Anotherday Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 Annie has a great suggestion about the therapy. I was sexually assaulted 3 yrs ago and just now finished therapy. It helped immensely and I am so happy I went through it and it was free. If you are interested in going to free counseling, the link is below in my signature. Hugs, Rose Thanks for the link, it's very good. Maybe I need to do this, even though it's been many years and you'd think I'd have gotten over things. Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 Yes, please do hun, I have been so ecstatic and happy since. I am doing everything I ever wanted with my life. I needed someone to open my eyes and show me that I can tackle what comes to me in the future and not hide away as a result of the assault. You have nothing to lose by going, it's free and completely confidential, and I had a fantastic experience there. It's been 3 yrs for me, and I thought it didn't effect me until recently with my break-up. I was completely torn apart I needed to understand why, and therapy really helped. it's been many years and you'd think I'd have gotten over things For some people it takes years for the effects to show up. You owe it to yourself to give it a try. Hugs, Rose Link to comment
Anotherday Posted October 22, 2006 Author Share Posted October 22, 2006 i think you need a new therapist! yikes!!!!! I certainly do think it is a big deal, and you need a therapist who will help you through this. Okay, you are probably correct. Thing is, if I didn't put myself in those situations it would not happen. And that is what a therapist will make it about. They'll blame my behavior, and not the behavior of the perpetrator. But I just may consider therapy again. Thank you. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 22, 2006 Share Posted October 22, 2006 I think you may find that other therapists can be more sympathetic. regardless of what you did, you didn't ask for the sexual assault. so don't let anyone blame you. the therapist may suggest to you how to avoid those situations in the future but don't take that as blame.... Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Okay, you are probably correct. Thing is, if I didn't put myself in those situations it would not happen. And that is what a therapist will make it about. They'll blame my behavior, and not the behavior of the perpetrator. But I just may consider therapy again. It's definitely not your fault, what you feel is completely normal for a survivor. When I went into therapy I had the same mentality. I too was under the influence of alcohol when it happened to me. Did it give the man any more right to do it, absolutely not! According to the laws, alcohol or no alcohol, it's still rape. We like to blame ourselves to try to curb the pain, but it actually makes it escalate. My counselor told me this: If you walked into a store and got robbed, and then went back again to the same store, and got robbed yet again, was it your fault? Absolutely not! You never meant for it to happen, you were taken advantage of, and you did not "set yourself up" to be raped, the man was a rapist, a criminal for doing that to you. You should really say a counselor trained in rape, like the ones from the link I gave you, they go through special classes and training to deal with situations like this, whereas regular counselors do not. At least try it out. Hugs, Rose Link to comment
Anotherday Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 I think you may find that other therapists can be more sympathetic. regardless of what you did, you didn't ask for the sexual assault. so don't let anyone blame you. the therapist may suggest to you how to avoid those situations in the future but don't take that as blame.... Thank you. Look, there's more to this than meets the eye, and I so appreciate your compassion and posts. I have so much stuff to sort through, but I know any therapist will blame me first. They will chalk it up to my having been under the influence, at the time, ignoring the fact it's illegal to rape people. I'll still get blamed. I don't know what the answer is, except I really don't want to burden you kind-hearted people with the stuff I have to sort through. The truth is there may even be childhood stuff going on, but I don't even want to get into that can of worms. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 it's what we're here for. feel free to talk to us about anything. i agree with rose - try finding a counselor that specializes in rape and sexual assault victims. Link to comment
Anotherday Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 Thanks, I will. The whole thing is just a horror. I will follow up on that link. Maybe it can help me. Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Check this site to find free rape/sexual assault counseling: link removed You can find the center nearest you. Link to comment
Anotherday Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 it's what we're here for. feel free to talk to us about anything. i agree with rose - try finding a counselor that specializes in rape and sexual assault victims. Yes, thank you. He used to walk around the office mimicking that stuff (you know, that stuff). Of course, he was just annoying. But, if I hadn't been in that spot for him to do so, it would not have happened, and that is the bottom line. I can be quite in control when I haven't had a few. So, thereforeeee, I allowed it to happen. But no one asks to be violated to the point of physical damage. I know that. Well, anyway, I'd best sign off for now, but I really appreciate all of your comments. I WILL check out that link. Thank you kind people Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I don't know about being gay, but you've never been to his house, and he lives with a female 'room mate'. Are you sure he doesn't live with his gf? That sounds a little more plausible to me then the 'gay' theory.... Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 re: the 'smell' thing, maybe this guy is taking medication or likes tuna fish sandwhiches... LOL! seriously though, someone told me that meth users have a distinct odor that smells like cat pee... so either you have a very sensitive nose, or this guy has a smelly cat or something... i wouldn't put too much weight on a smell as an indicator of sex, but it is a HUGE warning sign that he has never had you at his place over a 7 month period. maybe he and his live in have an 'arrangement' where they are allowed to sleep/dally with other people and still are committed to each other. regardless, this doesn't sound healthy for you, focus of whatever issues you have to find a man who is less 'mysterious' and more available to you than he is. Link to comment
HellFrost666 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 he might be a gay man dating a woman as a "cover." so that his coworkers, roommates, and friends think he is straight. just wondering, what would happen when you would try to intiate sex with him? why didn't he want it? This is exactly what I was thinking when I read this... Link to comment
Rabican Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 He does live with a woman, but swears it's just platonic and that he's not even attracted to her. Still, I never once went to where he lives, despite my repeatedly asking him to at least let me see where he lives and to meet his roommate. He says it's just a very small place and my house is a palace compared to his. So maybe he's embarrassed? I translate this into I have a live in girlfriend on the side of you, and I dont want you two to meet. Link to comment
Anotherday Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 He does live with a woman, but swears it's just platonic and that he's not even attracted to her. Still, I never once went to where he lives, despite my repeatedly asking him to at least let me see where he lives and to meet his roommate. He says it's just a very small place and my house is a palace compared to his. So maybe he's embarrassed? I translate this into I have a live in girlfriend on the side of you, and I dont want you two to meet. I had thought of this, but how come she answers the phone all nice. Oh sure, there have been the times she's said, can he call you back? I once went to pick him up and he met me in his parking lot, refused to let me even come in, says he never lets anyone in as he's got too much stuff everywhere. I've confronted him and asked him what is really going on between the two of them, but he says she's really unattractive and she could walk by him naked and he wouldn't be interested at this point. About the only thing I could do would be to actually drive there some morning, park and see what she really looks like. Ugh, I think I'd rather have him be gay. He did actually introduce me to his mother, but that was early on. Oh, who cares, I just need to be done with it. I'll never know the truth. He told me at one point he was having his daughter's mother followed by a private investigator. He also told this woman that if she didn't stay away from his family, he'd go over there and shoot her and then turn himself in the next time. What keeps him from doing this is he doesn't his daughter to be raised parentless. Oh, I am such a moron for having engaged in this. No more contact for me. I'll never know the truth and maybe I don't want to. Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Sweetie he sounds awful and you sound lovely. There's something there, whether it's a strange altar or an open marriage or a big closet. But let his weird secrets be his weird secrets and try and just be pleased with yourself that you're not wasting any more time with him. You're not a moron, we all engage occasionally in relationships that aren't right for us. Kudos should go to you instead for at least recognising this is a wrong'un. If it's what you want, you will meet a lovely man one day. No need to waste yourself on losers in the meantime. BTW I am still laughing at 'lunching at the Y', that's great Hey I have known the occasional yeasty smelling person, maybe it was just his chemicals after all. You never know, could have been a strange cologne mixed with his sweat, mixed with his lunch. He could just metabolise that smell. If it was actually fishy, then poor bloke I say Link to comment
Survictor Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Anotherday, I am with rose2summer on this one. Counselling is probably the way to go. 7 Months is a long time and it doesn't sound like you were not receptive or warm etc. It sounds like he wasn't ready. It is quite likely that because of your assault you are picking the wrong men. Less sexually aggressive maybe? A little more feminine perhaps? This could be because your rape was so aggressive and you need gentle, kindness and understanding. You and I have talked on another thread and so it is funny that here I am suggesting you go for counselling when I said something along the lines of raking up old feelings when you suggested the same to me. Whatever you do, this is not the man for you. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 it's entirely possible he just told her that you were a cousin, or a coworker (if his roommate really was his live in gf or wife!) Maybe she does not care, or they have an open relationship? Link to comment
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