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Very Personal Issue


Anotherday
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Okay, something in another thread prompted me to post this. I almost feel queasy and like crying. Yes, yes, it's over, but I am very good at denial. I think if I can talk about this and get some input, it may help me move on.

 

So, here goes. Oh Gosh. This is so personal.

 

I was with someone for some months and we really never had sex. The first date we had, he smelled like he'd been with another woman. I actually would notice this on several occasions, but not always. I put it off to some huge sexual attraction I felt for him, but it's haunted me and I would like some feedback.

 

He kissed me and I smelled "sex," if you know what I mean. Now, he's a very clean person, always showers, so it's not that.

 

This, combined with the fact that we never really made love (although he would always talk about it and told me he wanted me), gives me pause. Sure, I have my sexual problems. Two weeks into the relationship he wanted to be with me, and I said I wasn't ready. But seven months later? There have been other issues. He does live with a woman, but swears it's just platonic and that he's not even attracted to her. Still, I never once went to where he lives, despite my repeatedly asking him to at least let me see where he lives and to meet his roommate. He says it's just a very small place and my house is a palace compared to his. So maybe he's embarrassed? I have called him many times and she always sounds nice enough. He's spent nights at my house and told her he was spending the night at my house.

 

I could really use some honest feedback. Thanks.

 

P.S. It's over, but I really need a reality check here.

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yeah, red flags all over the place. something is up. maybe he is having sex with a man? maybe you are just his "beard."

 

anyways, i'd forget him. it sounds like something is up, he is either with a woman or another man. 7 months you haven't seen his place? bad sign.

 

leave now.

 

good luck

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Typical dog leash thing. If you hold the leash too long the dog will run away, too short it will suffocate, moderation is the key.

 

I think by giving him signs of sexual rejection, and letting him stay with another woman you really lost control over this guy. I mean isn't it simple, if you aren't ready, he will just get his sexual needs with a woman who is ready.

 

Personally i think he was attracted to you, and you pushed him out of your intimite life because of your sexual problems. And basically this is the reason why your relationship has been shallow and platonic, this sexual blockade of yours prevented it to bring your relationship with him on to the next level, meaning he was ready , you where not, you couldn't provide, and he couldn't maintain the unhealthy relationship. This probably resulted in him cheating on you, i might be wrong on some things but i guess its untracable what really happened, but for me that would be my first suspicion.

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yeah, red flags all over the place. something is up. maybe he is having sex with a man? maybe you are just his "beard."

 

anyways, i'd forget him. it sounds like something is up, he is either with a woman or another man. 7 months you haven't seen his place? bad sign.

 

leave now.

 

good luck

 

Sorry, but what does "beard" mean?

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LOL (almost), so because I didn't have sex with him in the first two weeks I blew it? That's funny. BTW, he smelled like sex the first night of our very first date, if you know what I mean. I went so far as to ask him what he had for dinner, I really did, and he said steak (which doesn't smell like fish).

 

He's been living with that roommate for three years, FWIW. But I am looking for honest feedback here, so I do appreciate your perspective, even if I don't want to be blamed for things.

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by beard, I mean, he might be a gay man dating a woman as a "cover." so that his coworkers, roommates, and friends think he is straight. ie, he is using you as his beard.

 

just wondering, what would happen when you would try to intiate sex with him? why didn't he want it?

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I wouldn't want to be intimate with a guy who smelled fishy either! lol. Really, it may have been that you just didn't find his smell attractive. When you are really attracted to someone, all your senses are being fired and you love their smell, their touch, the sound of them. I would definitely say that YOU were not attracted to him and quite possibly, he was hoping to get laid but was in a relationship already (hence keeping you hidden etc).

 

I would just put it away now. You weren't attracted to him. Finito.

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by beard, I mean, he might be a gay man dating a woman as a "cover." so that his coworkers, roommates, and friends think he is straight. ie, he is using you as his beard.

 

just wondering, what would happen when you would try to intiate sex with him? why didn't he want it?

 

Well, I am sort of shy. I've been sexually assaulted, so I have some problems. The times I did come on to him he said it wasn't the right time, or he was tired. He did not want to initiate anything, rather for me to do so. To be honest, maybe it was the birth control thing, but I have something I would have been happy to use. He does have a daughter that is not in his life, and he says it's because this evil woman seduced him, after he'd had a few. "She had all the right moves." It just seemed like he'd talk about all these things we were going to do, but never did them. He kept saying, it will happen when it happens. Don't plan it. You are too fast. I'm slow. Stuff like that.

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I wouldn't want to be intimate with a guy who smelled fishy either! lol. Really, it may have been that you just didn't find his smell attractive. When you are really attracted to someone, all your senses are being fired and you love their smell, their touch, the sound of them. I would definitely say that YOU were not attracted to him and quite possibly, he was hoping to get laid but was in a relationship already (hence keeping you hidden etc).

 

I would just put it away now. You weren't attracted to him. Finito.

 

Thing is, I was extremely attracted to him. When I'd see him at work, over the lunch hour, things were different. He was all over me (but maybe because it couldn't lead to anything).

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he says it's because this evil woman seduced him, after he'd had a few. "She had all the right moves."

 

It takes two to tango, this guy screams red flags.

 

He hides you, has strange sex smells, and turns down your advances.

 

Run away and don't look back, let him have his fish plate while you get a decent man.

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well.... it sounds like you definitely made an effort, so I disagree with robo saying that you were treating him like he was on a leash. it sounds like he has some other things going on, what, I have no idea. i don't think you are "too fast" after 7 months. the gay hypothesis is looking stronger....

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well.... it sounds like you definitely made an effort, so I disagree with robo saying that you were treating him like he was on a leash. it sounds like he has some other things going on, what, I have no idea. i don't think you are "too fast" after 7 months. the gay hypothesis is looking stronger....

 

 

Geez, Annie, you might be right. My ex husband...I thought/I had the same suspicions, and he didn't want me either. He came home from a trip from CA and I found a receipt for a porno film purchase and some lubricant. He'd been staying with his brother. Still, he had a three year relationship with another woman (married) and said the sex was great, and had a subscription to Playboy. Maybe it's me!

 

Oh, I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter, except it weakens my sense of self esteem and my ability to have a relationship with anyone else.

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i think you're just picking the wrong men. have you had therapy for your sexual assault?

 

I told a therapist once and she didn't think it was a big deal. Actually, I guess I feel responsible for it, as I was UTI. Now, I know that gives no one the right, but I don't think it would have happened otherwise. It wasn't one of those, oops, I got drunk deals and accidentally slept with someone. It was a brutal assault by a former employer at my going away party. Still, who would have believed me...

 

I do pick the wrong men.

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