boyfriend/Debt

[MissJBug]

Ok...boyfriends great....well...one thing.... the kid doesnt know how how to manage money...hes so in debt...he took out a lone for $4,000 and BELIEVES somewere in his head that he doesnt have to pay that back...that he actually fixed the situation....

he buys stuff and later on regrets buying it...he has a 2006 mustang convertable that is $700 dollars a month = REGRETS IT

buys a bloflex=regrets it

buys me a $900 dollar ring 2 years ago = doesnt regret it but is still paying on it

 

i cant move in with someone like that... and on top of all this... on top of it all... he goes out and buys the newest x-box with that money... come ON ARE YOU SERIOUS?

 

ITS NOT FREE MONEY!!!!!

 

men...how do you talk to someone about that...expecially if there so use to giving there parents money for there gambling problem, giving everyone money...basically like being the father of the house...

 

what do i say. how do i say things?

does he know what is really going on...or in his mind...does he think hes really ok?

[renaissancewoman101]

If he doesnt know how to handle his money, I would be careful being in a relationship with him. My ex who was 4 months older than me, lived at home, and was always having money issues. It got so bad that I lent him $1800 to help him out of his problems. It didnt help because he ended up spending MY money on beer, cigarettes, toys, comics, etc. And he still complained about how much in the hole he was in. After a while, it will grate on you and hurt your relationship. Besides, if you move in with him and get more serious with him, what is going to happen when he spends all his money and is in serious debt and you guys decide to have a family.

 

He needs to grow up.

[BornToResist]

I've been in your shoes!!!!

 

You are very smart not to move in with him. My ex was TERRIBLE with money and is so in debt. I moved in with him and he never had money at the end of the month to cover the rent. So guess who had to? Yeap, me. I never figured out how to talk to him because he really didn't see himself as the problem...he just thought that "life is so hard!" and would go about doing the same thing over and over. It was so frustrating!!

 

I ended up resenting him.

[rocio]

You could take over control of the money for him. He might even appreciate it.

[babypink61]

I was somewhat like that when I was younger (college days) and now I find myself buried in school loans and credit card debt. I knew I shouldn't be buying stuff but I just couldn't resist the urge and now that I'm older I really regret not being able to manage my finances better. You can nag him all you want, but he's not gonna change unless he wants to. He's prolly just going to learn it the hard way like I did.

[MissJBug]

ive been with him for 5 years...theres NOTHING we cant talk about...but yet... when he talks to me about this...like

 

"so i bought an x box with the rest of the money" and i look at him and shake my head...he goes "what jess" and i say "scott, common" and he really seriously doesnt think of what hes doing as bad UNTIL 2/3 weeks later... why cant you THINK NOW...

 

but i love him...i want to move in with him... its been 5 years...were going strong... and i wouldnt let something like this jsut end our relationship... expecially if it can be fixed...

 

does anyone have anything that i might be able to say to him. or anything that might click...

 

everytime we drink... he always opens up to me...maybe i should see how hes really feeling when we drink and than go from there? I dont know... im clueless...

 

maybe when he gets his own house and has bills he will see that you cant just SPEND money...you need them for bills? maybe it takes MOVING IN to see that...but for now... he doesnt see that a house costs...???

 

 

i dont know.. it hurts ... it hurts that i cant think of what to say to him, this is one thing that is going to be hard to talk to him about

[babypink61]

I think like you said, if you guys do decide to move in together, maybe that will be an eye opener for him and make him realize that he'll need to start being more responsible financially. Before moving in with him I would recommend that you guys clearly define how the bills will be split between the two of you. Also, maybe you can get him to put a certain amount of money into a savings account every month and perhaps the incentive could be that you guys could use part of that money later for a mini vacation or something.

[itsallgrand]

No, Don't move in with him or expect this to change once he has his own bills and all that. It will not. It will probably get worse as he becomes more desperate.

 

His parents are gamblers who he 'helps out' and gets them out of holes when they have gambled the food money away? That sort of thing? Do they drink a lot too? (you don't have to answer here if you don't want). Gambling-Alcoholism: I grew up there!

 

I ain't no pysch-i-ologist. I do know that growing up around parents that are not responsible for grown-up stuff can really warp and f/with the unlucky kid that grows up around that. He may never have learned the value of money in the usual sense. He can learn, but it takes work.

 

He's gonna have to work through a lot of stuff to get it, i would think.

Have you ever heard of Gam Anon?

It is support group, resource center for people that have family/friends that are gamblers.

You might point him in that direction.

 

It's one concrete idea.

 

I can tell you do love him. good luck.

[rocio]

Please don't consider ending the relationship over this. It sounds like you have a good thing going.

 

You could ask him what he thinks. Like "We both know you're not so good with the finances. What do you think we could do to fix that?"

 

You could even make a list of some of the poor choices he's made, in case he denies it.

[agent1607307371]

You don't have to end the relationship but do not move in with him.

 

I've known a couple of people like this and in a quest to help out the other person, the money wise partner often ended up in debt also.

 

Don't move in if you think it will mature him, let him prove that he is mature enough to handle real life first.

[MissJBug]

wow...thank you everyone....i really appriciate the things you all are telling me...but when it comes down to it... i would never leave him... and again... i would move in with him...maybe i should just wait intil he pays off all of his debt ...that will be my altimatum... im not moving in with you until all your debt is fixed....

 

but again...maybe i need to talk to him...

i dont know... i will keep all of you posted ...and i would appreciate if anyone of you would check back on me later on in the week and by than i will have talked to him and told you all that he said...we usually go out on mon/tue...because those are the days hes off... i will see... check back everyone...

 

thank you a WHOLE BUNCH...it really helps to know that ppl are out there with the same problem.

[now_better]

absolutely positively a) do not move in with him (this money issue will tear you guys apart), b) do not lend him ANY money unless it is for a medical emergency. i think some of the best lessons you learn in life are when life kicks your butt which it will do eventually at his rate.

 

if you want to help him, you can help him build a financial plan. he makes X money per month, he needs to spend Y money on rent/food/debt per month, save Z in a savings account that he cannot easily access, and can only afford to spend the rest for leisure items. you can help him make this plan, but i'm pretty sure he's not going to follow it since he doesn't really see the problem. but showing him how this works will give him an idea of how to start acting responsible when he does finally acknowledge the problem.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Now Better, dont lend him any money. It wont help him clean up his act. You will just be enabling him and you probably wont ever see your money again. After my ex and I broke up, he promised me that he would pay me back slowly. He paid me $200 the last time I saw him in Dec., and I haven't seen a penny since then although he has my new address. I have long since given up on chasing him for the money since it isnt worth the hassle.

[Momene]

Quite honestly, this is a huge red flag. Ultimatimum time.

 

You're young and he's replaceable.

[rocio]

Quite honestly, this is a huge red flag. Ultimatimum time.

 

You're young and he's replaceable.

 

Wow, that's harsh. Don't you think people should be allowed to make mistakes? He's not disrespecting her or mistreating her.

 

I've never been great at managing my money (okay I just suck at it!). But I did eventually manage to put myself through school, get a masters, and now raise a kid independently. He can learn to budget, as I did, and deserves a chance.

[journey05]

I wouldnt end the realtionship over money managment issues. Just calmy and confident go up to him and say "god your an idiot, but I love you".

Seriously though sit down and have a chat with him. He's probably going to take some offense so be prepared but the guy has no idea what he is in for.

Sooner you straighten this out the better. Good luck.

 

 

Oh and don't lend him a dime or move in until this is squared away. If you do before hand then you'll have a new post to put in here..probably under "breaking up".