How can you do NC if you have kids?

[Seventh]

This is my first post and the breakup has been devastating.

 

almost 19 years together and two kids (12 yr old boy and 17 year old young lady)

 

It is a long and complex story. She was a child abuse "survivor" who has suffered severe depression for years - finally going on SSRI's which did deadly harm to our relationship.

 

Now she has moved out and so I have to see her almost daily and the pain is unbearable.

 

I am a mess. Have been extremely depressed. Barely have the energy to make myself coffee in the morning. Can't sleep well for the nightmares of infidelity.

 

She tells me she wants no "relationships" now but wants a {mod edit} buddy --- she thinks there are no complications and there are plenty of men willing to give her that.

 

It is so painful.

 

I fear the SSRI's are making her use her fantasy of other men to make up for a lack of compassion and romance and family that I thought we would share together for life.

 

Now she wants to bed hop and has been flirting with strangers online after being obsessed with two celebrities (a rock star and a dj)for years.

 

I cannot stay away from her (I am like a moth to the flame) but know that my jealousy, possessiveness and neediness is driving her away.

 

I can barely work, sleep, relax (my blood pressure is through the roof) and I have no insurance to get what I need...

 

And it is difficult to be there for the kids who spend a lot of time with her.

 

I am stuck with a house I can barely afford, pets she left ehind, and the gnawing agony that she may end up ihn her fantasies hurting herself and our kids and all we have sacrificed to try and build together.

 

It has been two weeks, almost three, that she moved out. But she said she was in "love " with a man she met only once (a celebrity dj who did not return her affection) and that made her realize she could not really love me or make it work. Her lust for other men (I think prompted by the SSRI's fantasy triggers and her abuse as a child by a male relativw which was never resolved - though he finally died recently) is making me crazy and nightmares of it are like every night.

 

I have to see her and I want to.

 

But how in the hell can we not see each other when we have to exchange the kids almost daily. Third parties are out of the question to do the transfer and honestly I live for seeing her if even for a few moments when the transfers take place.

 

There is more, but for now I just mostly wanted to vent a little.

 

Glad I found this site but frankly the stories are so sad and depressingly familiar (and the knowledge that this will take YEARS to get over if ever as I am now in my early 50's and am feeling the stress every day - almost too much to go on...) that I am afraid of glib responses and pat answers.

 

BTW too --- she says I must accpet her as she is ( I am trying) and that the possibility of our reunion is always there --- but she needs this time to find herself and have autonomy (says monogamy was not ever really the thing for her as she has pretty much always had some obsession - again I feel a way of coping from her abuse- with unattainable men).

 

She never had intercourse with anyone else but did "fool around" with a girlfriends brother who was impotent (testicular cancer) but they "did everything but..." about six or seven years ago. And she felt she needed more but he had a girlfriend.

 

Is it just that monogamy is unworkable? That all women get "bored". Is the side effect of mania or erotomania from the SSRI's to blame (her chilling began with the use of SSRI's when her father was dying of cancer and her brother, who was abused with her, basically killed himself in a car crash ten years earlier)?

 

And what can I do about any of this besides wait for the time to pass and see whether she changes her mind or the love just fades away? I do not see it fading. I am addicted to her and do not see ever falling in love with anyone else. Especially since we have kids...

 

Why do people have to sleep around?

 

When they are so loved?

 

Okay - let me have it.

 

I am so tired of hosting my own pity party but I just can't seem to pull out of it. But it has only been two weeks - so I am trying to accept that this grieving is natural and necessary.

 

And she will be here any minute.

 

Do any of you have experiences where ssri's played a destructive role in a relationship? The loss of romance and desire and the fantasy to fool around is he only thing that gets her excited?

 

Damn I hate this...

 

How long will it take?

 

I feel that true love doesn't ever really die. But she has hardened her heart to me for my failures to "protect her and giver her security". But she does not see how she has demoralized me and made me unable to function.

 

I believe she still loves me (told me just two summers ago at a wedding that she wanted us to get married (we never did) but now says it was just her being "whimsical".

 

I think her fantasies of a good {mod edit} buddy are "whimsical" too and dangerous (especially if they are guys she is meeting online or at myspace). It gives me the horrors.

 

I really could use some input from the women here who have felt this or experienced this need to "explore" or just to go wild to feel fulfilled ( I doubt it works but have to let her go to try it as I have no choices).

 

Sorry for the long ramble. I read about this place on democraticunderground and could not stop reading all night. Now I am wiped out and the kids are coming to see their daddy while she goes off galavanting.

 

It hurts.

 

Peace all.

 

Seven

[Beec]

Seventh,

 

Sorry to hear about this. Yikes. And welcome to enotalone.

 

First, I can understand that this is tearing you apart, but the first thing you should learn to do, especially when you see her is act. It may not be easy, but showing her your pain is not working for you, and it probably makes it hurt more. So, act, act like you are adjusting and things don't bother you. You will never be entirely successful, but it may help.

 

Also, work on adpting the attitude that she is the one who is dumb for throwing it all away. She is throwing away something fine and valueable to roll in crap. Convince yourself of that.

 

And do not take it easy on her. She is doing you wrong, regardless of the cause. She is responsible to some extent. Let her know that.

 

You need to try to keep busy and isolate your self from her as much as possible. Nothing will make you forget, but occuoying your mind will help, for a while.

 

Next, you will need to figure out some things, but this is the place to start.

 

Hang in there.

 

Beec

[rose2summer]

Hey Seven,

 

I am very sorry that you are going through this.

 

Her desire to be with other men is very worrisome.

 

she says I must accpet her as she is ( I am trying) and that the possibility of our reunion is always there

 

Don't let her keep you on a back-burner until she decides if she wants to.

 

She cannot have her cake and eat it too.

 

says monogamy was not ever really the thing for her as she has pretty much always had some obsession

 

This is a very weak excuse, she is fishing for reasons to explain her poor behavior, which is totally unacceptable.

 

I think prompted by the SSRI's fantasy triggers and her abuse as a child by a male relativw which was never resolved

 

SSRI's are serotonin-reuptake inhibitors, they do not make a person commit adultery or follow this type of lifestyle.

 

Many people are victims of assault and are mature enough to know that you cannot use the assault to cheat on your husband. I am a victim of assault and I have never cheated on anyone, never thought about it, and never will.

 

She is making incredibly poor excuses here and you are better off not trying to rekindle anything at the moment.

 

She has no excuse not to get counseling to deal with her abuse. It's absolutely free, the link is in my signature below if you want to suggest it to her.

 

Some people will use experiences in their life as excuses for everything that they do, and if someone has a problem, THEY need to work on it, you cannot change her or fix her.

 

She is her own person and her actions are in no way your fault.

 

I am sure you are a very loving man and you will find someone who can appreciate you if you choose to do so.

 

Do not settle for less than you deserve, it will only hurt you and set a bad example for your children.

 

Hugs, Rose

[BornToResist]

What's an SSRI?

[rose2summer]

SSRI = selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor.

 

They are used in treating depression.

[mynatahsa]

If someone is bi polar and taking SSRI's... that could cause mania.....which could be causing the acting out.

A doctor could put her on mood stabilizers to avoid the highs and lows.

They work really well.

[Juliana]

What if you knew, for a fact, that a year from now, you wouldn't be in this kind of pain. What if you knew that two years from now, you would have no feelings for her at all. Imagine your life, without a partner who is "secretly obsessed" with all kinds of strangers. Who is constantly threatening your peace of mind, and making you feel insufficient.

 

This woman has emotional problems that have devastated your relationship. I'm not going to demonize her, because who knows what kind of H*ll she has been through, or will go through. Being mentally ill is not a fun time.

 

You, at least, have the option of living a normal life. You can find support out there amongst other men, particularly those who have dealt with spouses or s/o's with Histrionic Personality Disorder. I'm not diagnosing her, but if you check out some support boards & forums dealing with this problem, you will find other men who have been tortured by their spouse's inability to remain faithful. Normal women do not have this problem, but you have not lived with a normal woman for a long, long time, so all this crazy behaviour looks normal to you -- as you say, you're addicted to it. I've heard this from other men in your position. And it hurts like crazy when they go; you think the pain is bad? Wait til the rage sets in, and you literally want to destroy her.

 

Just feel the feelings, recognize them as an emotional re-adjustment to a more normal state. You may want to find a therapist to help you recover your sense of who you are, which has probably been obscured by years of dealing with her. The level of her "emotional volume" in the relationship has probably been so high, for so long, you may be a little deaf to your own emotions.

 

In the meantime, when you see her, do not invite her in -- she will want your attention, don't provide it. Do not talk to her about anything but the kids. Get rid of her as quickly as possible.

 

In a couple of years time, possibly less, you could meet another woman, who doesn't have a mental illness, and whose idea of a good time is watching tv and cuddling with you on the couch. And maybe you'll both see your ex on the late night news, running after some limousine in her high heeled shoes....

[Seventh]

 

 

SSRI's are serotonin-reuptake inhibitors, they do not make a person commit adultery or follow this type of lifestyle.

 

 

Just for the record, there is plenty of info related to the side effects of ssri's and sexual acting out is one of them. Erotomania or hypomania (sexual obsessions) well-hidden, is one of them.

 

There is a very thorough Canadian women's health study on these issues --- how the pharmaceutical industry gets BILLIONS of dollars by getting women addicted to Prozac and other SSRIs (the withdrawal is way worse than the underlying depression ever was - I know - I have seen it the few times she tried to get off them) and they destroy families because the empathy and compassion is gone for the lover/husband and the fantasies are the only thing which can "float her boat".

 

But the underlying abuse, of a serious sexual nature from infancy to the age of nine when she was accused of encouraging it or that she was lying - plays a major role in her situation. Fantasy became her way of dealing with the sexual activities which she endured from infancy (with her brother) . Rock stars and hot celebrities were her way of finding a "normal" outlet for her sexuality. But she was never able to really find her own natural sexuality as an adult except for fantasy and an occasional fling.

 

It was always complicated for her to find the bliss.

 

Or maybe it was just not me.

 

But no matter what I still feel that i failed her miserably and I want so much to make it up to her. To win her back. To have my family back together.

 

I know, I know, you all will tell me this is futile.

 

But I know I must accpet her as she is if I am ever to have that romance with her again.

 

It may take years for her to "find herself" or discover that i am what she really wants and needs. And I feel the need to be there for her. For her kids and fior myself.

 

And from what I am reading here - most folks pine away for years and years over these things. Suffer almost endlessly and many still can't let go. Even after decades.

 

So is it still wrong to hope and have some faith that it might one day work out? I have to suffer anyway. Why not suffer with some hope?

 

I cannot stop loving her and will probably never ever, at my age, find a lover again who will make me love her like this.

 

I guess I am a hopeless case.

 

As for the edits by the moderator.

 

I am new here and uncertain which terms are allowable. But what she is looking for in a "blank" "buddy" is somebody to have uncommitted sex with. She says she wants to explore her sexuality with someone who is unaware of her past and just do it for fun - not for a relationship. And that is out there (myspace or adultspace or wherever, there are tons of almost anonymous sites that connect people who just want sex).

 

I fear for her. I fear for my kids. I worry about her getting sick or worse or injured.

 

I mean --- is there anyone here who WANTS this kind of uncommitted sexual relationship.

 

Is it just me or is this just the wrong place to ask. I suppose I could do a myspace or an adultspace or whatever and look around for people who really get off this way.

 

But it troubles me and I believe it is the combination of the prozac and the childhood sexual trauma that is driving it in huge part.

 

She even said she wants to stay on the prozac because it has made her lose her inhibitions and shyness. And --- much to my sorrow, has made her want to have sex with people she does not care about except for fun.

 

But I must say also --- she just hit 40.

 

She said also recently that she wanted to find love. But she is not looking for it. Right now she appears to be only looking for a "good time" and says so quite bluntly and hurtfully: get used to it - take me as I am. Let me do this --- and we will see what will come later.... She says she "HAS" to do it.

 

Damn it hurts.

[Beec]

Seventh, I am never going to be the one to tell you to give up hope, but you need to do certain things right now, because anythign else you do will probably have bad effects. If you chase her, she will run away. If you give in to her desires, she will have no repsect for you. If you do anything but separate, you will show how much you hurt. If you beg or plead, she is either going to walk all over you or run the other way.

 

You need to get your emotions under control by you, or there will be no hope to get her back.

[Seventh]

Thanks foer the perspective.

 

I just am wondering WHY it is that if you give in to someone they then have no respect for you.

 

I read somewhere recently that females like the BAD boys - the ones who treate them like a lady (i.e. with respect) then they are considered wimps.

 

I really want to understand this.

[melrich]

I think Beec is giving you some great advice here. I can make no comment on the SSRI angle but taking that out of the picture, you should get on the front foot with this.

 

At the moment she is watching you roll with the punches and she's evaluating her current behaviour as risk free. You need to act to ensure that she understands that there is an end game here, there will be apoint where she cannopt just go back to her old life.

 

Now that may be fine by her. But if that's the case it is going to be fine however you play it.

 

So I'd be getting busy (which will help you as well) conslting lawyers, drafting filings, drawing up custody arrangements, re-distributing finances.

 

She will get the message pretty quick. It may not change the ultimate result but it is better than just sitting around watching her make all the running.

 

Re. NC. Of course you can't do it. Reality is NC is a concept that does not translate well to mature long-term relationships. Nor should it. It is important that whatever happens you continue to co-parent your kids.

[Seventh]

just kicking for any more help.

 

This was my first post here and I am really trying to get it all out and take it all in.

 

Already it helps.

 

So many parallel situations and so much sadness and suffering.

 

This is a HUGE site (so many members) and it moves fast - so I hoped to get a little more support and feedback.

 

Thanks.

 

It has worked wonders but also has made me sad for all the folks out there like me and in such sorrow.

 

Gentleness helps. I have very sore wounds.

[Derailed]

Hi Seventh,

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It does put my own drama in perspective. You have gotten great advice from the earlier posters. Maintain indifference towards her. As hard as it may be.

 

I am not experienced as many of the other posters as far as giving advice (I've never heard of SSRI until now), but I can only offer my support and encouragement. You did not fail her. You seemed to have been understanding and supportive of her through out your relationship, and have not stopped caring for her after it has ended. There is no failure in that. But you can't look after someone who wants you out of their life. Instead look after yourself and your lovely kids. They are probably suffering just as much as you. Give them the love that you would have given your ex.

 

I don't want to judge, but I hate how people can act mindlessly on their lust. Love and security VS. scratching an itch. WHY?! It hurts that people would act like this. Sometimes I think the only way to not be affected is to act like this yourself. If you can't beat them, join them right? But that's my melodramatic side speaking. Just be proud in the fact that you have your morals and values to stand by. Honesty, Loyalty and Integrity are values that can not be dragged through the mud. Your ex can not stain that for you, as long as you have it. Youre a great guy. You can get through this. And love is always around the corner. Don't think you can never have it again.

 

Take care of yourself and your children. Your ex has chosen this path for herself. She is responsible for her own actions. You only have yourself and your kids to look after. Stay strong. We are here for you, and we want to listen.