Girl is Confusing Me!!!!

[mnuttster]

Hey all, I will keep this short, but it is something that just frustrates me and kinda makes me think I should just quit with it today. If you want to check out the last few threads I posted about things with this girl, check em out and it might give a little more light to the situation.

 

Basically I work with this girl that I am crazy about, she is such an awesome person and we connect on so many different levels than any other girl I have been with before. We started off by being friends for a few months and finally told each other that we liked each other. She said she didn't want a serious relationship because she has a lot of baggage and things going on in her life (she really does, family, money, law probs, etc..), so I understood and just played things chill even when I wanted more. So she started staying the night a few times and we would fool around and eventually became Friends with benefits.

 

From there she started asking me to stay the night more and to spend basically all the time that either of us weren't at work together. I started none of this, every time it would be her calling me up asking "when I was going to pick her up that day or night for her to sleep over or for us to chill". I figured that her newfound interest was meaning that she wanted more from us and so I went along with it obviously since I had deep feelings for her. We always had fun and she told me I was an amazing guy because I was so nice to her and that she had a blast whenever she was around me and could tell me anything and feel comfortable about it.

 

So basically for an entire month, I would drop her off at work in the morning and go to my job, talk to her a time or two while we were at work, pick her up from work to drive her home and either chill with her if I didn't have to work at night or pick her up after I got off of work to stay at my house. I would always ask tell her if she ever got sick of me that she could always stay the night at hers, but she would want to stay 5 nights a week at mine it seemed like. (Also one of her friends move to Cali and her roommate/best friend went crazy and said she was going to move way out of state to marry this guy she barely knew, and she knew this girl for 15 years, so I don't know if she just was clinging onto me because I cared about her and everyone else was leaving) So things were going well, physical aspect was amazing, and we always had fun together. I thought an amazing relationship was blossoming! But, that's where it changes.

 

Two friday's ago, we went out with her roomie, her roomies fiance to a haunted house and bowling. A day or two before, her roomie told her that she wasn't going to move away anymore and that she might never, she didn't know how she felt about leaving her life back here. So her roomie and her bf are all lovey-dovey and my girl doesn't like PDA , so all night she was acting really weird and distant, unlike the past two months out of the blue. So we have a great time and I drop her off like normal and go home. It ends up that we don't talk for three days except for a text here and there. I finally call her and ask her what was going on and we have this huge talk:

 

She says "I am sorry, but I am not your girlfriend and it's all my fault that I didn't think about your feelings when we were hanging out all the time and that I saw you expecting me to be cutesy with you the other day and I don't want that." She would go on and cry and say how it was all her fault that she would ask me to hang out all the time and that she needed time and space to herself. All of this I was cool with because obviously I don't want to throw away the amazing friendship we have, I mean what other choice do I have.

 

So now whenever we hang out or do things, we don't kiss, hold hands, or anything we used to before. I am just so confused because all of a sudden it seemed like in a few hours time she flipped on everything. I don't know how she could do and say everything that she had and then all of a sudden not want to be physucal with me or wanting to just go back to friends.

 

We even went to a wedding last night and we both got drunk and I totally wanted to kiss/make out with her, but I restrained, even though she was pretty much all over me at points in the night. (I was an all-star date too, every one of her closest friends fell in love with me and how nice and fun I was, even her friend made comments to the group that I was amazing and a great guy, that the girl I like was stupid for being a POS to me with the whole situation and breaking my heart)

 

What should I do? I am so confused and it seems like she is too. How can she go from wanting to see me everyday, to just back to friends without anything? Any help is appreciated. Should I give up and throw our friendship away because she is going to keep hurting me? Or is she just confused and I just should keep playing my cards right and maybe she will come around eventually because she is scared of what we had? Please it is driving me nuts everyday because for once in my life, I didn't do anything wrong except care about someone and did everything I could to help them be happy

[heloladies21]

The reason things have turned out like this is because you failed her test. Whenever you accepted this FWB situation, you basically told her with your actions that you don't have enough guts to stick up for what you want and are willing to take whatever you're given, and that you don't truly care about her because if you did, then you wouldn't have accepted anything less that a relationship with her. So in the end, you got yourself all attached to someone who is still keeping one eye open and playing the field, and now it's come back to bite you because she's finally convinced you're not the one.

 

So best thing to do now would be to tell her no way to friends, and if she's just interested in anything less than a relationship at this point, it's time to hit the road. So next time, don't surpress your emotions and stick up for yourself and what you want. That way nobody has their time wasted.

[mnuttster]

Well it definitely sounds like that situation. But I did push our relationship farther than just FWB. I would invite her to places only a bf would invite his gf and would be cutsey and hold her hand, just things that FWB wouldn't even touch. She even said on numerous occasions that we were dating and would tell her parents and family that we were together. I mean part of me wanted to tell her off when we had "the talk" and tell her that it was crap that she just changed her mind like that out of nowhere. I still want to, but I guess I've already put my tail between my legs and caved because I told her that I was cool with giving her space and time. It just sucks because I am one of those guys that attract girls that "need to be saved". I guess that is my unconsious perogative to try and do anything I can to help these girls out. Is there anything I can do to dig myself out of this hole and maybe save a possible relationship/what we had before?

[heloladies21]

Yeah, but all of that doing stuff that only a couple would do doesn't make a difference. What matters is how she views the situation personally with you, and if there was no agreement to a monogamous relationship, then all bets are off and everyone is free to do as they please. This is very common for guys, to think there is a relationship by implication. It doesn't work that way.

 

You have every right to change your position, and the sooner the better. You don't owe her time, you two aren't in a relationship and you're only hurting the situation by letting things slide. By giving her time, you're only giving yourself false hope and her time to find another guy at which point you'll be broken. The best thing you could do right now to have any chance is to lay it on her like I said before and give her the ultimatum.

[goodguy78]

helo is right..i have a similar situation right now and i took his advice. I let her know (in a respectful way) that i wasn't going to put up with her crap anymore. While i am still having a few problems, they are nowhere near as bad as they used to be.

 

The girl i like is VERY feminine and she likes only MANLY men. Men don't respect guys that whine, act like girls and can't stand up for themselves. And you know what? when i told her that she agreed with me! so tell her like it is and what you want..at least you can say you tried..

[mnuttster]

Very true, it sucks because all I was trying to do was be a decent guy, but sometimes with me being a decent guy does compromise my integrity because I am easy going and chill with a lot of things. A part of me wanted to be in a serious relationship with her and part of me didn't because of her past as well. I always was apprehensive because she has so much bad things that she still needs to dig herself out of and doesn't seem like she is doing anything to fix those things, so is that someone I really want to be with in the first place? I think that the part that I really like about her is still the friend aspect, we match on a lot of things and have tons of fun, especially because we have a lot of mutual friends, but there was always that thought in the back of my mind that said "do I want to get involved with her and the things that come along with her?"

 

I don't think she is really intent on finding anyone to be with, she barely has time to hang out with a majority of her friends and still contends that she doesn't want to even think about marriage till she is at least 30, so even right there our life plans are different. I kinda just went along for the ride and never made a clear decision with myself on whether or not she was the best for me. I would hate to throw her friendship because I can't get over feelings that I might or might not have for her. That's why I am stuck and still deciding on what I want to do.

 

I have another wedding tomorrow to go with her (yesterday's was her friends and tomorrow's is my friends), so maybe I will see how I feel through tomorrow and give her the ultimatum at the end of the night so it can be either a clean break or a new beginning, how does that sound?

[heloladies21]

It's fine not to have your mind made up about her, but trust me, if you are showing this indecision to her through your actions (which you are), she will notice. Then you close her off as an option because she won't take you seriously.

 

I don't think she is really intent on finding anyone to be with

This is most likely not true. She seems very interested in keeping an eye open for someone who she can be serious about.

 

and still contends that she doesn't want to even think about marriage till she is at least 30

This is also not true. If there is one thing a chick can't deny, it's her own emotions and if she were to meet a guy who captures her emotions tomorrow, she would emotionally commit to him and be receptive to taking this all the way no matter what she says about her biological clock timeline.

 

so maybe I will see how I feel through tomorrow and give her the ultimatum at the end of the night so it can be either a clean break or a new beginning, how does that sound?

Sounds great, but realize that this is for real and if you decide to have this talk with her, you have to have it set in your mind that this is for real and you're not messing around with this in an indecisive way. You give it your best shot and if it doesn't work out, then you walk away.

[mnuttster]

This just sucks too because things were going so great for a few months, so great I probably couldn't have dreamed anything better. And all of a sudden they just fell apart. It's frustrating me to no end and I want to go both ways. One part of me wants to throw her away and tell her to shove it if she doesn't want to be with me (which would throw a lot of my new found friends away as well because we usually hang out in a big group), but the other part says that I want to be friends and try to stick it out that way, with that hope that she isn't screwing me around (which probably isn't true). I am just torn and it sucks, I couldn't go to bed last night because I was brought to tears, it hurts to have that carpet that I thought everything was going so well, ripped out from underneath me all of a sudden. I almost think that a clean break would be the best and just heal from all of this and start new, I've even been thinking of moving away to somewhere brand new to meet new people and try new things. Who knows, but I guess I will see how today goes.