Considering breaking up.

[Corridor Fog]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my current girlfriend for almost 10 months. I have been unhappy with the relationship for awhile now. She has told me that she loves me, yet I can't seem to bring myself to say those words back to her. Not because I'm afraid of saying "I love you", but because honestly inside I don't feel that I do. I cannot see this changing in the future. She has always had more emotionally invested in the relationship than I. I've always felt like she was more into me than I was into her. Unrequited love is the term I believe. That's not to say I didn't have fun and care for her, but just not to the extent she does for me.

 

Anyway, lately I've been seriously considering breaking up. This isn't the first time I've considered it, but right now I am pretty confident that is what I want to do. My reasons for wanting to break up are many. First, I know I don't love her and my feelings for her aren't growing but lessening. I don't want to hang out with her anymore, I don't want to spend the night at her place, and honestly I don't even want to have sex with her anymore. I plan on moving out of state within the next two years and I have no desire to ask her to come with me. I feel like I would be much happier if I broke it off and found someone who I am into. I think the longer I stay in this relationship, the more time (both mine and hers) that I'm wasting. I feel that we would both be better off in the long run by splitting up. Basically, everything in my head is telling me it's time to break up and move on. As I'm sure everyone knows, It's just hard to go through with it due to the fear of being single again and the fact that I will inevitably be causing her pain. Though I feel I'm already doing that by being so distant with her.

 

I went on vacation at the end of September with some friends and I haven't seen my girlfriend since then (Sept. 28th). We've barely even talked on the phone. I called her tonight and we talked for about 30 minutes, just catching up on her new job. She was obviously frustrated that I made no effort to call her for the past two weeks, which is understandable. I'm looking for advice on the best method to break up with her. I want it to end amicably if possible, I don't want it to end with anger and hurt feelings. We were each others "first" so I think that might make it more difficult for her. I have a key to her apartment that I would like to give back also. I'm not sure if it would be better to break up in person or over the phone. If in person, where? I feel like it should either be at my place or hers. That way, after it's done we can part ways quickly and make a clean break. I'm also not really sure what to say so it ends on a peaceful note, and not angry with hurt feelings.

 

One last thing... she is starting school this week and I'm worried that breaking up with her now will negatively affect her performance and start her off on the wrong foot. She is 19 and has worked very hard to be able to go to school and I don't want to mess that up by breaking up with her before or right after she starts. Should I wait a few weeks or...?

 

Thanks for any advice.

[ButterflyWrists]

Ok, don't do it at either of your appartments, as it is a place where you're supposed to feel happy and secure.

Secondly, do it in person, as it has more hurt and anger if anyother way.

Thirdly, tell her exactly how you feel, it would hurt her more if you just string her along.

 

If you're wanting an example of dumping:

'I'm sorry (insert name), I don't think this relationship is right for us, we're eachother's firsts, and I think it is time we move on.'

 

Hope this helps

__X

[AngelEyez]

Hey Corridor Fog,

 

It's beneficial that you break up with your girlfriend. If you don't feel the zest between you guys, then I'm sure nothing can change that. I think you should go to her place one night, asking her to have a talk. Sit on the couch and hold her hand. If I were you, I'd say, "[Name of girlfriend], it's best if we weren't together anymore. Lately, I've been having different feelings about us. I don't think there's anything that can change my feelings, except breaking up. It's not that I don't love you or care about you, but I want something else. I've tried so hard to make myself happy being together, but it just doesn't work. I think you are a great girl, but maybe not for me. I know it's going to be tough now that you are starting school, but it may be like a fresh start. You can meet new people. I'm sorry..." Most likely, she's going to start crying, so ask her how she feels. If she gets aggressive or gives you a swift kick in the groin, hehe (sorry just making a joke), hug her, and if she tells you to leave, leave the key on the table, and tell her you care about the way she feels. Try to get her to talk to you after you have blurted out your feelings to her. This way, you can be reassured after her talk that she will be alright. Girls get awfully sensitive during break ups. You shouldn't really wait after a few weeks of her being in school. She'll get assignments and midterms. It's not worth the hassle. Tell her as soon as you can. Goodluck!

 

AngelEyez

[whoops]

just tell her no way around it no zest then break it off

[Corridor Fog]

Update

It's been a rough night. I decided to finally commit to ending my 10-month relationship last night. I went over to her apartment for the first time in months. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and even harder to go through with. The only thing I can be grateful for is that it didn't end in anger as I feared so much it would. In some ways it might have been easier if it did. There would have been less heartache I'm sure, at least early on. But I'm very thankful it ended more peacefully.

 

I didn't expect it to hurt so much, I don't think I realized how much I still cared about her and the relationship. I'm having so many second thoughts about my decision to end it, but I'm pretty sure that those thoughts are normal and that when all is said and done I made the right decision. The decision that would be best for both of us in the long run.

 

I knew I was making her feel like * * * * because I wasn't giving anything to the relationship anymore. I hated that. I didn't feel the spark between us anymore and I constantly had that feeling like something in the relationship was missing. I felt like she had much more invested emotionally in it than I did. I had never said "those three words" to her because I didn't want to be dishonest, either to her or myself. Even when she said them to me, I couldn't say them back. I wanted so bad to feel that in my heart, but never could. That doesn't mean I don't care for her a great deal, not by any means. I sure found that out seeing her for the last time last night. It absolutely ripped my heart out.

 

Though I decided it would be best for both of us to end it, she doesn't see that now, maybe she will in the future. We talked for a few hours on the couch. There was no yelling, no anger was outwardly visible throughout the entire ordeal. Sadness, loneliness, doubt and humor were all present, but no anger. It was so hard to go through with, I wanted so badly to change my mind. To stay and spend the night at her apartment and make it like it was before. I still want to change my mind, even though It's likely too late for that. There are so many things about our relationship that I will miss. There are many good memories that I will keep forever, but there is definitely something new missing in my life. Hopefully time will help heal the wounds I inflicted on myself and those I inflicted her last night.

 

 

Is it normal to feel like you might have made a mistake? To be very worried and anxious about the future? I'm feeling like complete * * * * right now. I'm still dealing with the loss of my dog (who was my absolute best friend and baby) after 13 years. I'm having an unbelievably hard time with that still, even though I had to put her down back in June. It now feels like I've only added to that pain.

[gattsuga]

yes it is completely normal to think you made a mistake. you're remembering all the good times and memories you shared, and you're probably missing them already. it's really hard if you still care about her. But if you think about the reason why you broke up, and keep that in your mind... you should be able to reassure yourself.

 

like you said, you don't love her.. so it is really for the best you broke up. Maybe a few months down the road, you'll miss her so much, you'll mistake that as love.... but don't be fooled, cuz if you get back together, you'll probably end up with the same problems.

 

nobody likes to hurt someone they care about... but i think you did a good job. you two are each other's first, so that made it even harder. hopefully now you'll have a better idea of what kind of girl you're looking for to give you those loving feelings.

[Donster]

what you are experiencing is "dumper's remorse". perfectly normal, and very common. But you did the brave thing, no matter how difficult it was, and you will find your life better and yourself more happy in due time. But for now you will probably have to go through all the typical steps of the grieving process (as will she).

 

Your original post really struck a chord with me, because that is exactly what my relationship had turned into...my ex just wasnt giving me what he knew he should be giving me, and he just wasnt mentally or emotionally invested in the relationship any more, even though he still loved me deeply. But unlike you, he actually didnt have the balls to break up...but rather he acted out a lot (and I enabled a lot of bad behaviour)...and in my own way, I did a lot of acting out too.

 

But it sounds like you are quite mature, and have done the right thing for both of you, even though it might not feel like that in the short term.

 

good luck!

[Corridor Fog]

Thanks to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it. Well, I haven't talked to her since we said goodbye Sunday night. She sent me a text message 5-10 minutes after I drove off basically saying please don't hesitate to call if I ever need anything. She called the next afternoon (I didn't pick up) and she left a voicemail making sure I got home alright that night and to give her a call when I felt like it. I'm wondering how long I should keep up no contact? Keep in mind in the last couple months of our relationship I routinely went over a week without any contact. While we were breaking up I told her I wanted to stay friends with her if possible (after we both healed a bit from the breakup) but I left it entirely up to her if she wanted that. She ended up giving me a sarcastic response that we aren't interested in the same things (which does have some truth to it). However, I did get the impression that she was open to this.

 

I'm dealing a lot better with the breakup now than I was the morning after it happened. Right now I'm just confused about where to proceed from here. What is a good minimum length of time should be before I initiate contact again? I know some people might suggest to not even attempt to remain friends. I'd like to at least give it a try though... but I know it won't have a chance to be successful if I try to move the relationship into that area too soon. Does anyone have experience with this? Thanks in advance!

[Derailed]

All I can say is it sucks to be her right now. BIG TIME. You think you have it bad? Oi.

 

Trying to reach out to her as friends will only confuse her at this point and push back her recovery. That won't be a good thing to do. BUT I don't know if total NC is a good thing. What I can say though, from experience, is that sometimes, the dumper will have questions they would want answers to -- for their own peace of mind. When my ex dumped me, I had questions, but he had shut me off so I was stuck with them, and found the questions plaguing my mind. I would have liked for him to be there to answer those questions.

 

If she comes, be there to answer, in a gentle manner, without leading her on. Understand that she is not only feeling the loss of a loved one (you), but also rejection and a very bruised ego. You are forever responsible for what you tame. Isn't that from the little prince? Take that responsibility to see that she makes it through. Don't block her out completely.

 

Some people might disagree, but this is just my opinion as a recent dumpee.