Dumpees WILL Survive!!!

[ConfusedBigTime]

I am posting this in hopes that it will help at least one person. Just a brief history of my situation.....I dated my ex for about 15 months. I felt we had a good relationship. We of course had a few minor issues but were always able to work through them. I feel and was often told that I was so good and treated my ex very well. Even her friends said she was so lucky. I felt so blessed to have her. It was a beautiful relationship. I just knew she was "the one".

 

The last few months of our relationship, nothing changed but for some reason, she became very distant. Her walls were up and she began shutting me out till one day she said she no longer wanted a relationship. I was devastated. She never gave me a true reason other than she did not want to be in a relationship. To this day, I do not know why she would end something with such potential.

 

We have been apart for about 6 months. From that terrible day, we have only spoken once about 3 months ago. Other than that day, it has been NC all the way.

 

I like anyone, went through all the emotions common with a breakup. I am happy to say I have almost completely healed. I say almost as there are days here and there where something reminds me of the breakup and I get angry. Anger attributed to how I could treat her so well and she threw me away. Anger that I agreed to be friends at her request only to find out she is even more distant and the friendship she wanted never materialized.

 

I say all of that to say this. I know there are people hurting out there just as I was but I promise, it will get better in time. How long? Well, that depends on many factors but there are things I did to help in this process. My hope is that this will help someone.

 

The first thing you have to realize is that chances are nothing you say or do will change their mind. Yes, there are exceptions but most of those only end up in another breakup in the near future because the people are still the same and the problems exist. Use this time to fix you. Get in shape, get a new wardrobe, change hairstyles, go out with friends/family/dates, be happy, etc. If your ex is not there to see the change in you, trust me, they will hear about it. No, it may not get the two of you back together but it will show you are independent, happy and maybe cause them to see just how crazy they were for letting you go. Basically, don't tell them, SHOW THEM.

 

If your ex is dating, don't fret. IT could be a rebound relationship. If not, if you were truly good to your ex, they will realize this the more they date this person as they will be comparing them to you and realize how crazy they were for letting you go.

 

To help you, don't think about the good times with your ex. Think about the things that you did not like or the things that irritated you.

 

Don't contact your ex. After all, they walked away from you. Give them the space they obviously want. If you are wanting to reconcile, this is very important. They need time to miss you. You can't miss someone who is always calling, talking or there in person. If your ex does contact you, proceed with caution...but try to be nice and most importantly LISTEN. Let them do most of the talking.

 

Realize that you are a catch. That someone, if not your ex, is out there for you and that you are only a day away from being with someone that makes you very happy.

 

I have done the things above and realize I have my power back. I feel like I am on top of the world and very happy. Yes, I still get angry every once in a while but only because I was rejected after treating someone so well.

 

For my situation, I know this girl is still the one. It is hard to explain and could take forever. Why she treated me this way, I have no idea. Maybe she needs space, maybe she needs to find out I am the one. I just don't know. What I do know is that I cannot sit around and wait for something that may not happen. I have got to live my life and I have and I am much happier. If that day comes when she does come back to me, I welcome it. If not, I am in a much better position and will not be disappointed.

 

I wish each and everyone of you the best of luck. While you may be confused, hurting, sad, lonely, etc, just know that it gets better with each day.

[Chibby33]

Many thanks Confused. Your post was so simple yet so full of clarity. You've pretty much covered everything written in over 200+ posts since 2002 - congratulations! I have actually been doing your recommendations and now I understand why I should keep doing it. Thanks again!

[ConfusedBigTime]

Thanks Chibby. You are right. The steps that helped me are no secret and probably can be found in just about every post on here. LOL I felt it was important for those (especially in the early stages of a breakup) to know they do work. It is not a miracle and by no means happens overnight but if you follow them, you will heal and begin to feel good about yourself. People will notice.

 

In most cases, the things we want to do as dumpees and feel that it will rectify things are the exact things that drive our ex's further away. I disagree with most in regards to a breakup. Yes, a lot of breakups are permanent; however, there are a lot as well that a breakup is the best thing for the long term relationship. It allows both people to fix themselves, realize they miss each other and allows them to reunite stronger individually which makes for a stronger relationship.

 

My hope is that if it is for the best that everyone will one day reunite with their loved one. Should that not happen, we will all realize one day that it was for the best in that there is someone even more special out there.

[Chibby33]

KUDOS once more Confused! I actually noticed and it saddens me that some say once the relationship ended, it's considered permanent. Except of course if a relationship has become abusive. But in others, we seem to easily toss hope away. Where is the hope for change and to love each other again? If God can forgive, why can't man do the same? That's all. . .

[Dako]

For my situation, I know this girl is still the one. It is hard to explain and could take forever. Why she treated me this way, I have no idea. Maybe she needs space, maybe she needs to find out I am the one.

 

You won't like this, but here it is based on my limited experience.

You haven't let go of the hope of reconciliation.

Until you realize it's over, you're not going to be free.

I understand the feeling, believe me.

 

This is a hard thing for a heartbroken person to hear, and you might take exception, but please consider it a possibility.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Personally, I really haven't let go of the hope of reconcilation, despite the possibility is really minor as we are not even stay in the same country.

 

Why am I still have this wish? We had no communications for quiet a month. How long it takes to get over this?

[ConfusedBigTime]

Dako....no offense taken. I appreciate your comments.

 

If this makes sense, yes, there is hope that one day she will wake up and realize she was wrong and want to start over; however, I am not waiting or couting on this to happen. I have totally let go of the relationship and I have moved on. I am happy and enjoying being single again. Yes, I hope she comes back but I am not letting that hope stand in my way of moving on and being happy. I believe there is a difference. I am controling the situation and NOT letting the situation control me. Does that make sense?

 

The thing I struggle with is that something will remind me of the breakup and I will get angry in how I was hurt and treated. This is not often but still does happen. I have forgiven her but forgiving and totally forgetting are two different things. I honestly believe time and distance/space will cause her to realize what a mistake she made....what she threw away.....but if it doesn't, I know I am in a better position as I am looking forward and not in the past.

 

Best of luck everyone!

[Dako]

Confused,

Thanks for taking it as intended.

I'm sure you could understand how it sounds to an outsider, when someone has moved on and let go yet still is concerned with how they appear to the ex...just in case.

 

In my case, one of the most helpful factors in my healing was knowing from the day of the breakup that there was no hope at all.

 

You seem to be in good shape!

[ConfusedBigTime]

Dako....I understand. I guess the best way to explain it is I hope I win the lottery and become very wealthy; however, I am not going to quit my job and wait until it happens. It may not happen. If it does, great! If not, I am going to continue along my career path until I reach all of my goals professionally.

 

IMHO, there is nothing wrong with having hope as long as the situation does not hold you back or control you. I have a good feeling that a lot of people that have visited in this site have successfully reunited with their ex; however, you don't hear about that because they no longer have a reason to return to this site to tell us. Some do and I am greatful for their stories and their success. Those that don't will in time see that it was for the best.

 

In these 6 months, I have used this time to fix myself mentally, physically and emotionally. I have recognized and fixed my faults and I have refused to stay at home and instead have gone out with friends and on many dates and have a lot of fun and made new friends. I hope my ex comes around but if she doesn't, I will be fine.

 

Why am I still on this site? Well, like many I have taken most of the advice of all the nice and knowledgeable people here. It is my hope that someone will see that it worked for me and hopefully that will help someone as well.