Like my name says, I'm confused & lonely. Advice appreci

[ConfusedLonely]

Okay, I don't really have a specific problem. It's more of a general thing. And just like my name says I am both confused and lonely.

 

I guess I'll start off with some background. I'm just about 17 years old and I've only been in one, four-month long, relationship. I'm a really shy girl, not just around guys but girls as well. Until I get to know them that is. If I'm with my really close friends, or at the time I had a bf when I was with him, I don't shut up. You wouldn't think I was the same person. I'm also pretty smart, and I guess could be considered a nerd to a lot of guys. The one guy I went out with didn't go to my school and didn't know that, I'm not sure if that had anything to do with it or not. My relationship with this guy wasn't really normal, or what I guess I would consider normal. He tried to finger me on the third date, and I didn't really want him to but I was too shy to say anything. From that day on all he ever wanted to do when we were alone was sexual. Even when I wasn't shy around him anymore I still wouldn't tell him no. A couple of times we tried to go through with sex. The first time I chickened out before I even got undressed. But the second time I let him try to stick it up in me but it hurt too much and I pushed him off. Five minutes later I let him try again but it hurt even more (which I didn't think was possible after the first time) so I pushed him off me again and wouldn't let him try anymore. He actually sulked and started to cry because I wouldn't let him. He also said it would ruin his reputation. (I know, what a jerk! I see that now.) I then started crying because I disappointed him. Anyway.. that was it for the trying to have sex thing. Things weren't that good over the next month, we stopped spending as much time together, although when we were together things were fine. Then after than month he broke up with me. And that wasn't the first time but every other time he took me back. This time was final. He said I was too attached and took up too much of his time. (We had seen each other every day for about the first two months or more, and almost every day after that til things got rocky) I know I was trying to see him too much, but I didn't have many good friends at the time and was just so happy that someone was actually interested in me and wanted to put all their attention on me. I never wanted to hang around with anyone but him. Thing is, I wasn't even sad when he broke up with me. It's like I wanted to be with him but at the same time I didn't.

After we broke up I called him twice (talked for only 5 minutes each time) and saw him in the mall or library a few times but then that was it. Seven months after that relationship ended I moved away, out of the province completely. I haven't even heard anything about him since, which in my eyes is a good thing. I totally regret going out with him and I ABSOLUTELY regret trying to have sex. He popped my cherry but we didn't go through with sex so I have no clue whether I am a virgin or not. I guess that is my first question. Whether you guys think I am or not.

 

It has been two years since then and I still have not been in another relationship. I met this one guy online who I talked to every day for a month, but that couldn't really be a relationship. A couple of times he hinted at thinking he was in love with me, but I don't know if thats possible. We never really talked about sex, only beating around the bush type thing. Like joking around about punishing me when I'm bad and then making me feel really good afterwards, or how if we went to sleep at the same time that we were sleeping in the same bed, but if he went to sleep earlier then me he was made to sleep on the couch... like an old married couple really At one point I was actually thinking of telling him I wanted to meet him and wanted more then just something online, but the online thing ended about a week ago when he stopped coming online often and I got pissed at him about not wanting to talk to me anymore. (He is 25 by the way, and I'm only 17. I know, not a good combination.)

 

Anyway, it's probably just my low self-esteem, as I don't think I'm very pretty or anything.. but I don't understand why guys don't like me, or don't seem to at least. They hardly ever try to talk to me even as a friend. I only have one guy from school that I talk to online but never in person. I can't understand what's wrong with me. For a while I felt better because the new friends I met up here haven't had many boyfriends either, but this summer they've started to date a few different people while I have nobody.

 

I often fantasize about having sex with a guy. Recently it's been about that guy I had a month-long online 'thing' with. It makes me feel good to think about them making love to me. It also makes me feel good to watch people kiss or lead up to sex on tv. I always try to watch shows or movies with that in them when I can. All of this is normal, right? Although I guess you'll say its different for different people. I'm not really into one-night stands, but recently I want a guy to make love too, even if its when I first meet him. I just want someone to make me feel that way. I can't really picture myself dating someone before-hand because I'm so shy. I only picture myself in bed with them. I guess I feel lonely. Most of my friends have been really busy this summer so I have nothing to take my mind off of not having a boyfriend.

 

Well, that was just me venting about how my love life sucks. Sorry it took such a really long time. If anyone wants to reply to give me advice on anything I've said I'd really appreciate it Thanks so much.

 

Oh and theres one more thing. If I ever do find a boyfriend I'd want to go on the pill.. or the patch, or those every-three-month injections, or something other than using a condom. The thing is I don't want my mother to know.. plus I've heard that you have to see a gynecologist and they have to look at you down there, which I don't want them to do. I guess cause I'm so shy. So I was wondering if that was actually true? Is there any other way to get that kind of birth control? Any tips would be helpful thanks.

[Ash]

Okay, there's a lot of stuff in your post to respond to. I doubt I'll hit on all of it.

 

You're shy. THat's fine, nothing wrong with that. Many boys will actually like that. I'm shy too. One of the things that shy people seem to think is that they're disliked or unpopular, but that really isn't the case. People are disliked or unpopular for a completely different set of reasons. Folks just don't know you. If they did, I'm sure they'd talk to you more. You get going with your friends from the sounds of things, so I doubt there's really anything wrong with your social skills. You just need to break the ice with somebody before you can chat with them.

 

One thing to try is just to say 'Hi' to people and smile as you pass by. Nothing more. Then maybe a few days later, comment on something dumb like the weather, or the latest movie, or something like that. Just a single sentence. You're not trying to pick anybody up here, just let them know you exist and have a voice.

 

As for being smart, that will only help you in life, not hinder. Maybe being smart has you over analyzing things. Some guys may be a bit threatened by somebody a lot smarter than them, but on the other hand, being smart will likely allow you to connect on more levels than otherwise.

 

It doesn't sound at all like you were ready for sex. Don't let the next guy push you. It also sounds like he may have scared you away from relationships because of it. That's too bad. Many people get into their 20's before loosing their virginity, so don't feel there's any big rush to get there. Trying learning about yourself and what things work and don't work, so when you are with the next guy, you'll know when you're ready.

 

I doesn't sound like you were physically ready the first time. You need to reach a certain state of arousal before it will be comfortable. As to whether you're technically still a virgin, it's not very easy to tell with seeing a doctor and being examined. If there was no blood, you probably still are.

 

Doctors are dosctors. Don't quite think of them as people taking a look at you down there. When you need to be examined for whatever reason, just try to relax and go through with it. They'll have complete confidentiality and will treat you with respect. Consider the possible side effects of the pill should you decide to take it.

 

Anyway, don't shy away from dating because you're shy. It's okay to fanasize, everybody does. That's perfectly normal. You likely will even when you're dating. But don't rush into bed with somebody just because you think you might want to. Get to learn him first, it will make the experience more reqarding.

 

Work on just talking to some guys first. It will all follow on from that. Think highly of yourself, I'm sure you'll appear attractive to a large segment of the population if you are ahppy within.

 

Smile!!