The road goes ever on...

[Luck of the Irish]

Why do I do this to myself? So I met a new girl. She just got out of a 3 year relationship, like me. We fell in love. She won't stop talking to her ex. Whenever she does talk to him, it drives a wedge in between us. I LOVE her, but I'm losing my mind. She tells me today that she needs space to get rid of this guy. I can understand this, but how much space? How long? It hurts. I thought the pain would lessen from the last time. but it hurts more. I love her more than I've ever loved before. And it grows everyday. A wiser man than I once said that "Love will crown you or crucify you." Truer words can't be heard.

 

My life is a spiral. Sometimes I go from happy to depressed in an hour. I feel a torrent of love with her. It's an enigma, a spirit. Some days I can even tap into it, and I fly. Every move I make is solid. Every word I hear from her lips is like gold. Every time she smiles I almost cry. Those little butterflies never go away. I'm addicted to the most powerful drug there is.

 

It keeps me going long enough so I don't do something crazy... Some days I don't even want to wake up.

 

I've thought of the possibility of a mental imbalance. Like being bi-polar. I mean, I'm off my rocker a little bit... But I think it's more of an obsession. An obsession with a dream, which I will explain in a bit. A dream that can't be touched. The harder I grasp the thicker the veil grows. All I grab is mist and painful memories....

 

I'm converting to her religion so we can get engaged and then married. But yet, we are taking space apart. Talking of marriage yesterday, taking space today. tomorrow......? My life has never hit a plateau. I've always been way up for awhile, and way down for awhile. All I want is to love her. NO DRAMA. I want to LOVE, BE LOVED, and feel this as often as possible. I want to come together in a crisis, not take space.

 

I'm tired of hanging on. I'm tired of fighting. Day after day after day. Having to look inward for courage and strength that is harder and harder to find. I'm tired of hitting rock bottom. I always get so close to my dream, then it's ripped from me. And my dream is not so much to ask for, if you ask me...

 

All I want is peace.

 

I am very strong. I am a survivor. I am very good at it. I carry a rifle and wear boots for a living. I have cold grey eyes and deep lines on my face that show the weariness of my pursuit. Weariness that I shouldn't have at the ripe old age of twenty.

 

I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I will fight for what I love for as long as I live. But peace is where I thrive.

 

I want a house somewhere. Maybe somewhere private. With a nodescript outside, and happiness inside. A fireplace. Alot of pictures too. Open windows to let sun in and unlocked doors.

 

I want to mind my own business and have people keep me the hell out of theirs.

 

I want a marriage. A wife with a beautiful inside that shows through in a smile. A smile is the only exterior feature I absolutely care about. A smile that goes all the way up and shows the soul through the eyes. Looks are nice. Intelligence would be a bonus. But the sould is what I want.

 

I want a small family. Atleast one boy, to pass on what my father taught me. I want to provide and protect, and watch something bigger than me flourish. I want to stand for something that can be passed on in a last name and a handshake.

 

If possible, I want a few close friends to BS to and go fishing with on weekends. A decent job that has a high accomplishment salary, and an average monetary salary. Like maybe a firefighter. I want to work hard and earn my money.

 

But above all else, I want peace.

 

I seem no closer now than in the past. The fight is getting longer and harder. The days are getting greyer. I am young but I feel twice my age. I feel it in my soul and in my bones.

 

Right now... all I need is a cold one and somebody to talk to. Please.

[Daddy Bear]

wow... that may be the most well-written, highly focused and honestly-expressed post that i've read on ENA, and i've read a few.

 

anyway, listen... i totally hear where you're coming from. your goals are all completely reasonable, and i hope that you see each of them realized.

 

allow me to step into the role of Dutch uncle for a bit.

 

you may have heard the old expression, "You can't put ten pounds of s___ in a six-pound sack." what i mean is that even though you desire and deserve these things that you have so eloquently laid out in your post, you wouldn't want to make the mistake of putting the glass slipper on the wrong foot and not noticing that it didn't fit, just because you wanted a princess so badly. i'm not saying that this isn't the right girl for you. i have no idea about that. i'm telling you that you'd better make damn good and sure, and until you are positive that this is going to work to your satisfaction, you might be better off withholding judgment and keeping a little more of your heart to yourself. that's not a tragedy, it's just using your good sense. the last thing you want to do is plant your seed in rocky ground. understand what i'm trying to say?

[Aurian]

*hands you a beer*

 

Your dreams sound lovely. I hope you find them someday and you walk down the path the leads to it soon. I don't really have much to say, I'm afraid, but I just wanted to let you know that someone is reading your words and is sharing your pain.

[WorkNProgress]

WOW!! You both just got out of 3 year relationships and your talking about converting to her religion? That is a huge step for someone that is clearly not over her ex. Converting is a serious commitment, not something to take lightly at all. IMHO I think this is an obsession.....an obsession for happiness and not being alone. She nor anyone can give you that. It is you and you alone who can make you happy and fullfilled.

 

If you want all the things you state, you must go after them. No one can achieve those things but you. This relationship was never destined to take off. There were too many barriers to let it blast off successfully.

 

The smartest thing you can do is to step back, reassess how you are living your life, and go after the goals you can right now. Start small and work your way up.

 

Im sorry to say but this relationship is in the dreaded rebound realm.

[Luck of the Irish]

Im sorry to say but this relationship is in the dreaded rebound realm.

I hate to hear this, but so be it. I am looking through rose colored glasses I suppose. I know it sounds horrible, but she is not a rebound for me. I was over my ex months before I met her, and I was dating a bit at the time. I love her more than I did after years with someone else. I have more fun with her.

 

Last night we get to talking. She finally tells her ex that she never wants to talk to him again. So I think "Finally! Now we can get this going!" We had a pretty good day, not great, but very good. Then bam!, like clockwork, it hits again.

 

Her: "I'm confused again! You know I love you but I just don't feel it lately."

 

Her: "I don't know what I want."

 

Her: "It's not you, it's me. You treat me perfectly and I don't put my all into it like you do. I always told myself, if I ever met a guy like you I would do anything I could to keep him around forever."

 

So this whole time I just sit there with a * * * look on my face. I was at a loss for words. Like my stupid self, I told her I'd wait right beside her until she knew.

 

I haven't slept in 3 days and today I just called off work at my civilian job. I really don't know what to do anymore. Just grin and bear it I guess.

 

i have no idea about that. i'm telling you that you'd better make damn good and sure, and until you are positive that this is going to work to your satisfaction

I will! I'm not planning on proposing (if things go right) for a very long time.

 

you might be better off withholding judgment and keeping a little more of your heart to yourself.

I will toast to that. Thank you.