How to tell mother "No"

[renaissancewoman101]

WorkNProgress, I "love" my mother and I dont diss her or anything like that, but I dont like to be around her that much and I avoid her a lot. Sometimes I regret moving back to CA because now I am SO much closer to all this crap. There was a definite advantage to living 2000 miles away. I could have my own life. I still have my own life since I live 2 hours away from them, but now I have more "obligations".

[WorkNProgress]

Why did you say "love" like that? You need to like yourself despite what your mom tells you, her friends, or complete strangers. You and only you is the most important thing here. I cannot imagine what it must be like to hear your mother constantly badger and put you down. This sounds very very toxic. I know you mentioned that you were seeking or in therapy, what does your therapist say about your mother?

[charliepapa]

It's the parents, esp the other mothers I dont like. My mom hangs out with them on a weekly basis. I never liked my mom's friends.

 

Dont hold back, just tell her the truth. Your mother is obviously only interested of what her friends think, nothing to do with you.

 

p.s. If you are unhappy about the weight, lose it. That simple. I would not mention it if I had not lost 10 kgs lately. Though my trousers are falling down. Not pulled down by a woman however.

[shes2smart]

Well, long term standing up to and detaching from your mother and her opinions is something you're gonna have to deal with. To expect to change a lifetime pattern overnight is unreasonable. So you do it in little increments over time. Perhaps making a stand for this particular event is too big a step for you to take now, but just keep it in mind as a future goal.

 

In the short term, you can always claim illness the day of the event. Yeah, it's a kinda wimpy way out, but I know I've done it a time or two, and I bet just about everyone else has. If you "unexpectedly" develop a migraine or feel a cold coming on, people aren't so inclined to force you to show up or give you a lot of BS afterwards. It's hard to argue with sick, y'know?

 

I don't recommend the "I'm not feeling well" tactic as a permanent solution. However, used sparingly, it can help get you through until you're strong enough to politely and assertively say that you simply don't wish to attend.

[annie24]

I am not asian, but I am harassed by my mom a lot so I understand where you are coming from ren. my mom also felt this sense of "comparing" me to her friends' daughters, but I refused to play that game.

 

The thing is.... and my mom is like this too, even if you lost 10 pounds and wore a dress, she would still find something else to critisize you about. I know mine did! when I lost weight, then I was too skinny!

 

At the very least try to get her to stop nagging you about your height, that is not your fault.

 

I still think you need to stand up to her. Just because you are supposed to have "filial responsibility" to her doesn't mean she is allowed to treat you as her personal punching bag and dress up doll for weddings.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think fate or karma came through for me and now I probably dont have to go to the wedding because I am sick with the flu or something like that. The last day or so, I have been hacking, sneezing, sniffling, etc and I just got off the phone with my mother. She told me that if I am feeling bad and looking and sounding bad, she doesnt want me to go to the wedding. Apparently, it looks worse for me (in her eyes) if I go to the wedding all sick and having people stare at me for being sick!!!! .

 

I am probably not going to go because I feel like crap anyways. At least now I have an out.

[southerngirl]

Well, good at least now you dont have to go! If it comes up you can say you dont want to get the other people sick! =)

 

I hope you feel better soon hon.

[krissbrown]

I would not go, i can relate. My Mom tries to get me to go to events with her friends who are all gossipers, etc. I used to be a model and very skinny and they would say they feel bad for me because i'm single and my hair is too long- jealous remarks basically. So really no matter how you look people can make up stories about your looks or find fault in you.

 

I dont go with my Mom to any event with her friends, its her friends, her life.

 

Good luck but you know if you go their going to bother you and theres not much you can do once you are there.

[annie24]

She told me that if I am feeling bad and looking and sounding bad, she doesnt want me to go to the wedding. Apparently, it looks worse for me (in her eyes) if I go to the wedding all sick and having people stare at me for being sick!!!! .

 

I am probably not going to go because I feel like crap anyways. At least now I have an out.

 

sorry ren, I think what your mom said is a load of crap. I think people go to weddings to wish the happy couple well, not to show off. I am sorry you are not feeling well. I believe in not going to public functions when you are sick so you don't get others sick, not because you might look bad with watery eyes. I think your mom has done more to damage your self-esteem than anyone else in the world. really, it's time to discuss this in therapy and try to find a way to improve your relationship with her.