I wrote a letter to my dad the truth

[blueangel]

First, before you read this, there are some things you should know. It goes in this order:

[*]My dad left my mom when I was little but I visited him every other weekend. (before me, he had another wife and kids)

[*]Ray, a verbally abusive man, moved in with my mom- he was nice to me most times though

[*]My dad moved in with an intimidating and jealous, insecure woman named Elaine and her little, beautiful son, Tanner. Elaine died of cancer in later years and I've also lost contact with Tanner though he fills up my heart so much

[*]While she was still alive in the hospital, my dad left her and moved in with a woman named Karen and her son, Derek. They got married.

[*]Karen felt the need to confront me about every little thing but eventually it faded out because I put her in her place everytime with my intellect

[*]I thought Elaine was haunting me for a while and I suffered a lot out of grief and guilt and my parents took me to the hospital and left me there

[*]life seems more normal now-less drama and I'm more at ease with myself, but now from afar...

[*]Derek, my stepbrother, moved out (he's 14) of my dad and Karen's house. My dad told me about it and I tried to express myself to him. It was hard so when I got to the public library, I went on internet and sent him this email

 

I could hardly believe it when you told me Derek moved out... but in a way, I felt I saw it coming. He's always had that essense of lonliness to him as does Karen in a way and you do too. I know that, being an adult now (yay!), you probably feel like you've tried everything you could in life and heard it all. Sometimes, I feel that way too. But we can't give up on other people or let them go. I'm sure this step hurt Derek as much as it hurt Karen. He obviously has trouble facing things- I doubt anybody ever just sat him down and just had a heart to heart talk to him about his life... I doubt anyone has ever tried to give him real guidance or try to understand him and show him that.

 

I bet you're wondering where I'm going with all this and I know you hate thinking about relationship issues! image removed Then again, why would you confide in me? So I don't REALLY know how you deal with them. But I know how you dealt with me...

 

I remember once I almost sent you a letter telling you to leave my life. I felt like you just didn't care enough about me to take interest on a deeper level. I hate talking and feeling like someone isn't talking back. I try to talk to you about deep stuff and by doing that, I pass you right up. You try to talk to me about light stuff- briefly to keep it fun- and because I'm not always into it, you pass me up!

 

It's so hard to be real with people as well as ourselves. But I think it's the only important thing in this life: to really care.

 

Hope that helps and hope Karen finds her way also... maybe she can bring Derek back to her. It will take a lot of raw and hard love. A child's worth it though. When life reproduces its self, to preserve it and protect it is the only thing that matters... and the only thing that leads us to also understand life> when we really put ourselves out there into it.

 

Good luck, Dad.

 

Love,

 

Sarah

[blueangel]

Dear Angel,

 

I am deeply humbled by your degree of maturity and the kindness and the tenderness you have for your family. I am sending you a great big HUG! and hope your Dad is as deeply impacted by your letter as I was.

 

Best wishes to you and hope you're able to reconnect w/ Tanner soon ...

 

...thank you. That's all I wanted to hear honestly. I feel like crying. Life is hard... but reading the quotes in my signature helps me (lol)... because you just confirmed that I'm everything I've been trying to be. After much anger and depression and dread and emptiness, I am there. It is strangely possible. I feel so much love for life right now. I hope I can always hold onto this second... and come back to it. Even if I feel it all alone. I know God shines through my soul if I want him to. It's really a choice and a neverending one. i love having that choice. every moment in my life has been worth having now that I've achieved the right perspective. That's all that matters and I don't care how much I've suffered. I am who I am now. Finally.

[blueangel]

Here's what a good friend said to me in reply to this (I told him through email. He doesn't go to this site which is why he didn't post)

 

Wow...looks like you've as much family drama as I do. I never knew you had a stepbrother! Anyhoo, here's my two cents. You always tell me how important it is to tell people what you're really thinking, and I think you've done that here. Your dad's an ok guy. I know that because you'd never let yourself get close to someone who ever meant to hurt you. You just don't seem to see much of him, and it's hard to get close to someone that way. You and I talk like...every day! You're around your mom every day, too. That's how you get close. I know he cares about you; he's your dad! But he's also a man who probably spent his whole life never exploring his emotions. It's like exercising a muscle that you've never used. The longer you've let it sit, the harder it is to get it working again. So try not to be too hard on him. You've opened the door for him. Just...patience, grasshopper. ;-)

[Beec]

I think your father is a pretty flawed individual, but we all are flawed. I might critique his choices, but that would serve little purpose. However, I hope he takes it, what you wrote, well. Don't expect things to happen quickly.

 

Find Tanner. Get in touch with Derek.

[blueangel]

 

 

ps. Okay, this is totally off topic and maybe not very appropriate (sorry in advance if this is the case but) I looove "Princess Mononoke" too! Have you seen Miyazaki's other animated films? I love them all ... but my favorites are "Spirited Away" and "My Neighbor Totoro."

 

I've seen "Spirited Away" but not "My Neighbor Totoro." If you like these, I recommend watching "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" and then "Final Fantasy: Advent Children"... I only like "Advent Children" because of one high in the air, cool fight scene and then, the special features talk about life and "what is it trying to tell us?"

 

I like anything that gives me cool perspectives on life. I use them to help myself understands things in a way that won't make me hopeless. Only inspired.

 

Thank you, Ellie, for being who you are. Many times we forget how words can reach the soul. Yours reached me when I was feeling so doubtful and scared of what I did BECAUSE it left open a vulnerable door... that my dad may just leave untouched. He may neglect to walk through. He may in fact shut it... shut me out. I don't know. He hasn't responded yet. I don't know what that means. I won't try to judge it though. I will let it go until the time matters. It's not good to be totally serious about everything for TOO long. I know people at my school who have the same story every day, like, "What is this guy thinking? I can't believe he did that. I am wondering what to do. I just want him to be into me. Bla bla bla bla."

 

I've learned to let things go so I can be a healthy person. And I also feel like screaming at redundant people who only choose to contemplate about one thing always and then never move on. Some would call them "worrywarts."

 

There are bigger things to get to though...

[blueangel]

 

Find Tanner. Get in touch with Derek.

 

Okay! That'll be my mission (I have many, hehe)