My daughter hates me!

[Gammy]

My daughter will be 38 years old; next month; and she is just recently, divorced; from an abusive husband. We had a family gathering in my home on 9/16/06; she brought her new boyfriend; whom she met over July 4th weekend. My daughter has 2 girls; ages 13 and 5. Our whole family was here; everyone was in the parting mood; and there was drinks! My son; who is 34 years old; and the boyfriend were in the kitchen; my daughter was in the livingroom...everyone else was outside...the boyfriend made a very sexually degrading comment; to my son; about his sister; and my son said; "my sister would not do that", and he opened the kitchen door; 2 differenet times; looking for his sister. Finally the boyfriend saw my daughter sitting in the livingroom; and said; "there she is, ask her"; and my son ASK her; and she laughed; and agreed. My son was; not only upset that the boyfriend disrespected his sister; but was upset for the fact; the boyfriend had the nerve to say what he did; to her brother....so he SMACKED him; in the face...about that time; I came into the house; not knowing what was going on; but break up the fight. My daughter took the boyfriend and left...of couse; after my son told me(and the whole family) what was said; everyone was upset. About 2 hous later; I called my daughter; to see if she was ok; and to my surprise; the boyfriend was still there.

The next day; I called my daughter; repeatedly, to hear her version of the story....when she finally answered the phone; she told me what happened...the same story my son told me....she said it was a joke between the two of them; and their friends...if it is a JOKE; someone for got to tell the joke; just told the punchline! My daughter has made tragic mistakes; with men, in the past; and I think this is another one...but she says SHE LOVES THIS MAN!

HE WAS VERY DISRESPECTFUL to her...and this is not the first time..in just 3 months.

Now my daughter will not speak to me; we did talk by e-mail; and I made the mistake of trying to tell her how disrespectful he was of her; and a man that would say such degrading things; can't love her; and that I am very worried about her; and the 2 grandchildren.

She said some very mean things to me; and will not talk to her brother; and now she will not answer my phone calls or anything...she lives less than a mile from me. I wanted to go to her house; and talk to her; but I don't think I could take it; if she shut the door in my face or cussed me out....so I have called and e-mailed her; and begged for us to talk this thing out....but ....nothing.

I understand her being angrey with brother; but it is thou she wants me to choose between my children....and I can not do that; no Mother could....she even gives the impression; that I owe the boyfriend; an apology. I could apologize to him....I am sorry; all this happened in my home. I do not understand all this; and I need some impartial party; to help me to HEAL this relationship.

[Meow18]

Your daughter is 38 years old. Unfortunantely, you are not "in charge" of her anymore. She is a grown woman who is now responsible for her own choices and what you say no longer goes.

 

She says she loves him. And hopefully he doesn't treat her as disrespectfully as you might think because it would be her being stupid if she allowed another guy to treat her bad.

 

As her mother, you need to support her. You don't have to like her boyfriend, but you need to respect the fact that she has chosen to be with him. You can of course tell her how you feel about him, but that's it. If she still chooses to stay with him, then nothing you say will make her think straight, it will only make her upset at you.. as you have learned.

 

If you want to heal the relationship, I would apologize to her for your actions. Just say "I'm sorry about what I said and I want you to know that I love you and want the best for you, but I also know that I need to respect the fact that you are an adult and should be making your own choices".

 

At that point, it will be up to her what happens next. Unfortunantely, if this boyfriend really is a bad guy, she's blinded by it. And she will need you if anything ever happens..

[Daddy Bear]

a most regrettable incident, to be sure. i think it's normal, or at least typical, for your daughter to defend her man, even though it sounds from your post as though he was the one to blame for the fiasco.

 

your daughter probably just wants all of this to go away. if it was me in your shoes, i'd just give it a little time without mentioning it and maybe things will go back to being relatively (no pun intended) normal.

 

you sound like a good mom; i hope everything gets smoothed over soon.

[Beec]

Stop trying to heal it right now. It won't get fixed overnight, and you begging to fix it is not helping. There is going to be a rift for a while.

 

When you do leave her alone, and then talk to her again, let her know that no matter what your son did, he did it because he cares about her, nothing else. He thought his sister was being disrepsected, and he did not like it. Frankly, she should be happy he did it. It shows how much he cares. And that's why you did what you did too. Let her know that and let it be, and see what happens.

 

It kind of sounds to me like your daughter thinks this is how she should be treated, either that or it attracts her to her boyfriend. Not much you can do about that, until she has had enough of it.

 

Good luck and welcome to enotalone. Stick around.

[Caterina]

If you've told her about what you think, there is nothing you can do about it. You can be there for her, and be kind to her when you see her, but she is old enough to make her own decisions, even if they are bad. However, keep in mind the idea that honey is more appealing then vinegar...be nice but firm with your convictions to your daughter.

[flower99]

Well first of all...if the son asked her & she LAUGHED & AGREED, What would than make him hit the bf? obviously she had no problem with whatever it is, he should have seen that from her reaction.Because it isn't something your son wouldn't joke about or wanted to hear...Should not lead him to hitting him..... that was out of line. And I do think he owes an apology. Yes he meant well, but acted poorly (without all the facts)

 

But if you voiced what you think & feel about her bf, there is nothing you can do about it. And the more you push your opinion on her the more it's really going to push her away. Just be there for her, pray for her.

Don't go her home yet. Send her a card (not asking to talk about it..cause i"m sure she doesn't want to) but just saying you're thinking of her & love her. You're her mother, she still loves you, she'll be back, be ready to receive her.

with you luck

[Gammy]

Thanks for the kind words! As aMother; this thing is tearing my heart out; but you are right; I know there is nothing I can do...she is a adult and this is her choice. But the family has been with her thru; these kinds of men before; and I worry so about her.

[Gammy]

Thank you for your reply; and you are exactly right...my daughter has been married 2 times; both BAD! Our whole family has been there for her; and now she is TAKING this from the new bf; (and she thinks it's funny!) I worry so about her.

[Meow18]

You sound like a very caring mother. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to see your daughter making the same mistakes with guys.

 

But you just have to show her you are there for her. If this guy really is a jerk, things will only get worse and she will leave him, or he will leave her. And she will need you then more than ever. So just make sure you let her know you respect her choices because the last thing you want is to lose her trust.. cause then who will she have when she needs someone the most?

[Gammy]

For a young lady; you are quite wise. Thank you for your post...I have said all that to my daughter; but she still will not talk to me...taking her anger out on me; I will always be here for her; and I have told her that...I just miss her so; and do not want to see her make another mistake...but you are right; she is an adult; and I made my own mistakes; she will have to make hers....I just want the best for her; because she deserves it.

[Gammy]

My daughter is a book smart girl; she is a register nurse; but she does not have common sense. I also worry about my 2 grand daughters..she is dragging them (again) down a road; and they have to follow. I WILL be here; if she falls; and down deep, I know that she KNOWS that; but it still breaks my heart. I just wanted to talk to someone who did not know me or her or our family...and outsider..so to speak...thank you for your kindness.

[Meow18]

I would give it a couple of weeks and then try calling her or something. I'm sure that right now she's just hurt and upset right now..

 

And maybe you don't need to verbally bring this whole thing up. Maybe you can just show her by your actions that you care so much about her and you won't lose respect for her just because you don't think she is making the smartest decisions..

 

But you know, sometimes I think that we get our point accross easier when we don't nag. When we can tell someone how we really feel and whether they take our advice or not is their choice. When you keep repeating yourself and really pushing it, it make the other person back off and resent you just because you were pushing your opinion on them.