No Contact is not always the answer?

[Juliana]

Just a thought here. I'm seeing No Contact being recommended a great deal, and I hope that everyone is leaving room for more gradual approaches to breaking up. Sometimes people need a little hand-holding; we shouldn't respect them, or ourselves, less if that is the case. Sometimes it's helpful to know that although the person doesn't want to be with you, they still care about your feelings and what happens to you. I'm sure everyone has been through break-ups where no contact wasn't used and wasn't needed. Unless there's abuse or real dependency issues involved, springing instantly into no contact seems to me to be a way of trying to avoid pain that can very easily back-fire and create more problems. It's not about closure; it's about respect.

[rose2summer]

Hey Juliana,

 

I think it largely depends on the person.

 

No contact was created to protect yourself from further inflicted wounds.

 

Usually the person who follows NC is the dumpee and not as much the dumper.

 

So the philosophy is that if someone decided to leave someone, they don't get dumper priviledges, persay.

 

NC isn't meant to hurt the other person in any way, but as you can imagine, if you keep contact with the ex and they are talking about their new significant other, it is going to inflict pain.

 

So in my opinion, I think NC isn't required but it can be beneficial for some, as it puts the ex out of the forefront of immediate memory.

 

Hugs, Rose

[DizzyDoris]

The man i had been seeing said he didnt want to do NC that he would miss me too much, and i would miss him too, since we split up he has rang me daily and stayed in touch by text messaging too. I have not been the one to initiate contact and feel strongly about that, i dont want to chase after him. But it has helped me to hear from him, kinda put my mind at rest, stopped me going crazy wondering what hes been doing? etc. What we had was too special to just throw away and sever all contact, and although its a strange situation and we know we cant be together any more, we feel able to remain friends and we both respect each other enough to do this. I honestly feel okay with this, i feel calm and peaceful. I would only recomend N/C when one or both partners is suffering immense pain and needs the break to heal. Us being in touch, weird as this sounds, is kinda helping us BOTH to heal.

I can honestly say though that i have never done the no contact thing, i have always managed to remain friends with all of my exes, but im not knocking it. Breaking up is always hard to do and not very nice at all for anyone, but everyone deals with these things in their own way. And eventually, everyone recovers!

[rose2summer]

DD brought up a good point.

 

NC is beneficial when you are in great pain or healing.

 

I followed NC with my exes for several months, and am now good friends with each of them (3 in total).

 

It took me some time to forgive and heal and move on, and when I was ready I called them back.

 

They had called me often during my NC but I wanted my time to heal, and now we talk often and I appreciate that.

 

So NC doesn't mean that you are being mean or cruel, it just means you need time to heal.

 

Hugs, Rose

[annie24]

I think it depends on many things. first, if you have children together, then NC is impossible and not recommended. better to have limited contact, where the focus of the conversations is the children.

 

The rest depends on person to person. I am the type of person who gets very emotionally involved and it is JUST TOO MUCH PAIN for me to remain on speaking terms with the ex while I am trying to get over them. I have tried it in the past and it made it harder for me to move on, because anytime they said anything or sent an e-mail, I would read it, no joke, 85 times, to look for deeper meaning, show it to my friends, ask them to analyze it.... etc.....

 

I've finally had enough of that goofiness and found that NC just is easier on me so I don't get my head "messed with."

 

I think some others are the same way. if someone was broken up with, but they are still in love with their ex, while their ex is going off, dating someone new, then staying in contact will only hurt them. especially if they are staying in contact with the hopes the ex will want them back. When people are obsessed with their ex, I think NC is the way to go, cold turkey. Try to break the addiction.

 

In the book, "It's called a breakup because it's broken," the authors make a really good suggestion. do NC for 60 days and then decide from there what you want, if you are ready to talk again, or if you just don't care anymore. 60 days gives you enough time and distance to evaluate the situation reasonably and rationally.

[Orlander]

No contact was created to protect yourself from further inflicted wounds.

...pretty much sums it up. It also depends on the nature of the break whether you can again be friends. I mean, if your ex cheated on you with your best friend could you or would you ever want to be their friend again?

 

 

Orlander

[Dako]

Certainly there are gray areas!

If both people have the will, staying in touch can be a big benefits as well as some pain.

I doubt this is for everybody, because both people have to respect and care for each other. Really angry folks need to blame someone for the loss of the relationship, and quickly turn on that person thay swore they loved.

Those people should probably let go to prevent mutual pain.

 

In my breakup there were two times that talking to my ex saved me a world of hurt, but I otherwise kept emotionally distant while doing the hell thing. We talked almost daily about mundane matters and the progress of our healing.

[annie24]

yeah, I also see a difference between a long-term marriage and a person you dated for only a few months. If there is a long marriage, then it seems kind of impossible to just stop talking to them forever and ever. but if the relationship was a short one, no real committment, and there is no real reason to stay in contact, then why hurt yourself more?

[heyduh]

NC is not always the answer. but it can be the best medicine to stop the pain.

 

personally, I go the LC route (its been a good 6 months now so its easier) ... I find it hard to stop caring about someone you once loved, and I don't see how even a dumper suddenly flicks a switch that makes them not care about you or be curious about how you are doing.

 

trying to "be friends" can be create a lot of agony. instead be friendly, remain casual acquaintences and "keep in touch" ... you need some emotional control to do this and if you have an agenda to get back the ex, you will only end up hurting yourself.

 

eventually, "keeping in touch" will fade like the scores of other casual acquaintences over the years ... or, turn into a true, deep and caring friendship (seems like what Dako has going on) ... perhaps 2% of the times you may actually get your deepest darkest desire .. get back the ex!! but DO NOT COUNT ON THIS .... LIKE I SAID ABOVE, YOU'LL ONLY END UP HURTING YOURSELF

[Dako]

Please bear with my weird perspective,

 

IMHO, folks ending a short relationship are hurt over the loss of a promising relationship that once seemed destined to become a life-assuring main event. All those dreams are dashed by a breakup, tarnishing the memory of a few good years. Ending contact, healing and moving on to the next bright promising relationship are only natural. Been there, never stayed friends, but no animosity.

 

To someone with a relationship that formed a huge percentage of their adult life, and those with complex family connections or kids, that past relationship can't be swept under the rug in deference to the next "better" relationship. It's a different matter when that past is monumental in your life even when it's over. Both people might feel a gravitaional pull to remain friends, and I know a few couples who still hug each other way after the divorce. It's a good feeling.

 

That's why I feel sad about breakups destined for a cold silent ending.

[Royltnxile]

There is no "LC". I see "LC" alot on this board, and I think it's a cop out. "NC" doesn't mean you stop caring about, or loving the other person. It's about self protection and healing. If the person who broke your heart really crapped on you (cheated, lied, ..etc...etc) then why would you even want them as a friend anyway? Practicing "NC" gives you strength, power, and control...and goes along way in getting your confidence back. Like I said, NC doesn't mean you stop caring about, or loving, the other person...it just means that you aren't in contact with them. Think of them as just another person you know, or used to know, that you haven't seen or heard from in a long time...like a childhood or college friend that you have lost touch with. You aren't in "contact" with them are you? Yet you still care about them as much you ever did right? You just don't talk to, or see, them regularly, if at all. The same should apply to the person who dumped you.

 

The only time NC isn't beneficial, or necessary is when the break up in question was a mutual and amicable one. The only way a true friendship can blossom between two people who have been in a relationship is if the break up was mutual and amicable...or if a sufficient amount of time has passed since. Sometimes that could take years, and it will only happen if neither person has an "agenda". IMO, anyone who wants to stay friends with someone who dumped them has one agenda only - to get that person back, so they foolishy cling to any contact and crumbs the dumper may offer. Most of the time, if the dumper wants to stay friends, that's only to assuage their own guilt for ending it, or worse, to validate their own ego and self esteem...and that happens all the time.

 

NC is the way to go! And in most cases, NC is exactly what the dumper deserves based on him/her behavior at the time of the break up they initiated.

[SFKID]

Wow..this post came at the right time. I have been in NC with my ex for 3 days and last night went to a club to get my mind off her but surely enough i almost called her on the late night. I pretty much dialed the number but didn't hit send.....

SO NC or Call? I would say right now i still feel crappy for not being able to hear her voice but alot of me feels alot better that I did not. I think everyone needs to give themselves sometime at least 2 weeks to really be able to think clearly about the relationship and all the things that weren't good and then decide to call or not call. Hopefully I can gain the strength to continue NC...

[Juliana]

It doesn't matter to me whether I'm the one who brought up "the talk" or not. What matters is the quality of the relationship. Some relationships die a natural death -- old age. If we're both kind of looking at each other thinking, "no, we're not in love," but we still like to get pizza together and we share half the same friends...what possible reason to do no contact? I think it's important to know what you want. The "please love me again" stage is not the one you want to initiate contact in. For some relationships, that stage passes before the break-up; for others, 20 years later you still wince and grit your teeth when you think of them. I've always found "I wish you still loved me but I understand that you don't" acceptable, in myself and others. You have to know which one you're in.

[annie24]

hold on juliana -

 

 

 

you posted this on another thread about whether or not it is ok to meet with a long-lost love if you are already married.

 

are you still meeting up with your ex, even though you are married?

[Juliana]

Which ex are you referring to? I had a number of relationships prior to my marriage. Only one of those ended so badly that I really can't see the other person.

[annie24]

ahh... nevermind, i got my posts mixed up.....