I really need some advice here

[Jupiter]

My girl broke up with me about a month ago. Im a few years older than her.

I run a business, she has been in community collage for 3 years. we went on vacation to celebrate our 4 years together. When we got back from the beach she was due to start at a new BIGGER School in a week. She broke up with me then ... saying"she thinks she needs to be on her own" also saying" shes not even sure she is doing the right thing. Needless to say I was absolutly Floored.

We had a good thing , we hardly ever argued.

Well its been a month since the "break up " . At first i did all the calling, crying,

pleading, reasoning, ect... everything i could think of. I told her I thought she was making a mistake, and "cant we talk or work this out? "

She says she still wants to be friends , but she knows how I feel. Im madly in love with her.

Since the "break up " weve seen each other 3 times , never has 4 days gone by without one of us calling the other. Ive kissed her, shes kissed me ,

Shes come over to my house to chill out and have drinks , she even stayed in the same bed with me here(she was tired and a little tipsy) so why drive?

but nothing happened,

Ive asked her if it was my imagination or if she kissed me back when i kissed her. She sighed , and said, "yes I kissed you back"

Ive made the mistake of trying to talk about us , and she doesnt want to.

She said she needs some time to clear her head ect.....

I feel like Im the one doing all the trying here , but just when i make up my mind that i should move on , she seems to give me a little hint to keep me hanging on.

Its gotten to the point to where I dont know if those hints are real , or if its just what I want to believe.

She called me on thursday kinda upset , she just moved into an appartment with some collage roomates , ( Her first time moving away from parents house) since she started school , in the past month she has been in 3 car accedents and school is really stressing her out. She started crying and told me " Its so hard , Im beginning to think that im not cut out for this . "

Im trying to handle this situation delicatly , cous I do love her truly.

I asked her this past weekend , if I should bail out, and stop trying for something that I cant have. because she has told me before that she wanted me to know that she hasnt closed the door to us working out.

but last weekend she said I cant expect for you to wait for me , " If you feel the need to go out with someone or even make love to someone,

I cant be selfish and expect you to wait on me , cous i dont know if im ever gonna be able to tell you what you wanna hear" ? OUCH

That was not what i wanted to hear, but she came by the next day for about an hour. This weekend i saw her 2 times in one weekend.

I just dont know what to do , everytime I see her it all comes back , I want her so much its hard to be her friend. She wanted to hug me when she left me last but I told her that might not be good. She said "why not" and I said

its because I want a kiss, not a hug, and for a second , she looked like she was gonna kiss me , but she didnt , and she left.

Should I stop calling/talking to her? Sometimes I think she hasnt really lost anything cousIm here for her all the time. I think maybe she needs to miss me. What do you guys think ??

[sfindependent]

I'm in the same boat as you. she wants to be friends, but you dont know whether you should leave or not. You want to do stuff, but its like there's a wall of uncertainty with them. hope you keep your cool. I didnt. not a nice thing to happen.

[iceman85]

I'm sorry what your going through its tough. But right now this girl is confused and she doesnt know where life is leading her or what she wants. I think she feels generally unhappy with her life. You see when someone doesnt know about anything and is unhappy they tend to push others away alot. Their feelings can evaporate. I fear that might be whats going on here.

 

She needs to still do alot of growing up, its hard for her to be away from her parents for the first time, this new college is daunting for her, all of the car accidents, all of the stress. Its become too much for her to handle, she doesnt know how to deal with it. BUT YOU CANT HELP HER, she doesnt want your help, because she wants to do things on her own now. I know how it feels to want to rescue them, to want to help them, but they always dont want it.

 

I dont know what hints shes giving, but the way shes talking makes me believe that she doesnt know, that shes trying to be a friend with you because she doesnt want to lose you completley, because you have meant alot to her and you still do. She feels bad for having to do what she had to do. However you need to stop the cycle now. Going into NC is only going to help you in this. Its also going to give her the time and space she needs to sort herself out. Its a VERY VERY hard thing to do, but if you love her then you can let her go, if she comes back you know its true. I know its a saying but it really does ring true. If she loves you that much shes going to have to realize it in time and by herself.

[Jupiter]

So , what should I do if she calls me this week ? or asks me what im doing this weekend ?

I dont know about the NC thing , maybe its just cous I want her.

Im lost though really , but Ive been gettin in shape, and trying to be frustrated in a positive way.

Anyone else think I should NC ?

[iceman85]

Its tough it really is, it feels like the wrong thing to do, it feels like its insane, against everything you ever felt, but I think you should. Its good youve been getting in shape and doing things for yourself. Continue to do that. Its your call whether you want to be her friend and continue down that road

[Jupiter]

I guess i should throw this out there too.

Part of the reason she says she broke up with me is because i was depessed.

I mean for real , she told me she thought i was about 2 months ago.

I believed her and got on some pills for it , they really are helping me and I am alot better now , she even said and noticed that I seemed to be alot better the last month we were togeather as anti-depressants take like a month to really kick in. Anyhow , so I know Im partially to balme , she said that she

lost some feelings for me during my rough time.

But I honestly think she is making my problems seem like the soul caus of the breakup. Trust me , I might have been a little depressed but not that bad.

I mean we still had fun and we never fought or argued .

I dunno , Is there anything I can do to show her that things are better for me , and that Im the same guy she fell in love with?

That I see the whole world clearer and better now?

She will probably think thats just me tryin to get her back, and saying anything to make it happen

[sarge17]

Yes, go NC

 

No form of contact. If you think you are going to be in an area where she is going to be go somewhere else. The above poster is right. NC is the only way to go.

 

Some questions and advice.........

 

 

First off she is using you as her emotional tampon. The only thing you are good for is a shoulder to cry on. Man up you can do better. Would you want to be married to someone who acted like this??? It will not get better.

 

Go out and date other women. This is the best way to get her out of your mind. Be prepared far her to start pursuing you in an aggressive way once she knows you are dating other women and have other things going on in your life. Make her know she is no longer the center of your life without contacting her or being around her. Her curiosity will eventually start to get the best of her. DO NOT CONTACT HER.

[Maverick32x]

agree with sarge. NC is the only thing you can do... she is simply using you as support until something better comes along

[frigginexes]

Being her friend will only end up in heartache, she will never make up her mind if your always around, cause she won't have to. If she knows your always pining away for her she will think "I can have him if I want him, so let's see what else is out there." I say go NC all the way, then you will see her true colors - in time.

[Jupiter]

This is helping me , please keep the comments coming

Now what should I do if she calls me during the NC ?

What if she wants to "hang out" ?

[sillygurl]

I guess i should throw this out there too.

Part of the reason she says she broke up with me is because i was depessed.

I mean for real , she told me she thought i was about 2 months ago.

 

hmmm...so she abandoned you when you needed her most? If she left you because of what you consider a mild depression, what is she going to do when tragedy strikes, completely disappear?!? Think about your future, and what you want out of it... a supportive partner who will stick by you when times are tough is better in the long run than someone who is only around during the good times. You can't trust this girl.

 

If that's not the entire truth and there are other reasons that she left beyond you being depressed, then she's not being completely honest with you, and you can't trust her.

 

Either way, she's showing you now that in the future you can't trust her.

 

Hope this helps!

[iceman85]

Jupiter if she wants to hang out its not going to be as boyfriend/girlfriend. Its going to be because she knows she can pull you in, and get what she wants. Which is your company and shoulder to cry on. Dont allow that to happen.

 

Nothing short of her professing her love and her mistake should get you talking to her or seeing her again. Anything else will cause you more pain and suffering.

[Jupiter]

So , ok I wont call her but if she calls me should I answer the phone?

and if so , what just talk to her casually, lol sad , Im almoast scared

to talk about the wrong thing with her.

[sarge17]

Dont answer

 

Your statement your "almost scared to talk about the wrong thing with her" is a bad sign.

 

Do you feel you are always walking on eggshells when you are around her?

[Jupiter]

I just decided not to call , now its been only 2 days , but they have been the

hardest days to get through. funnny how that works huh?

I feel like she might call me today, I wonder what I should do ?

I got caller ID , I can avoid her , but I love her ,

If I answer what will I say , Im sure it will be another normal everyday,

uneventful discussion, *sigh*

Love shouldnt be this hard , shes stubborn , she has even called

getting back with me ,"Giving in "

She says there is a big part of her that wants me back , but another that

thinks its time to move on. She says " I feel like Im waiting for something ,

but I dont know what it is, maybe someone needs to slap me "

LOL who knows , who knows,

Im so lost

[sarge17]

In your last post you come accross as knowing she is not for you.

 

I think your gut is telling you to go a different direction with your life.

 

If, you got back together would things change or be different?? Most likly NO

 

So why go thru it again. Something to think about.

 

Start thinking of all the negative things about her, the ones that hurt you and how much they hurt you. Do people who love each other treat each other this way??

[Jupiter]

Actually , I love her , she is a Great person ,

I only ment that im scared to talk to her about us ,

She seems to get anoyed ,

Bottom line is , I want her back

I love her

[Jupiter]

Im really having a hard time now , its been 3 days since i totally decided

for NC. funny how it seems like 30 years. I was halfway expecting her to call me tonight , we will see , she has never let it go more than 4 days.

Im starting to see how silly I am sounding , maybe thats a good thing,

you guys know how it is ,

I just cant stop thinking about her,

Im still not sure how I should handel it if she does call soon though,

any advice?

[ibenhad]

Just do something, anything. Read posts on here. Go to a chat room. Go for a walk. Take up cigar smoking. I am serious I think about mine 24-7 and cant stop but I try and do stuff and keep myself occupied. It is not easy my friend but nothing worth havin is easy to come by is it? Think about that. Work on you...

[iceman85]

Exactly, do whatever you can, your gonna have her on my mind, I know I have mine on my mind and its months later. However, I am embarking on NC just like you right now, its tough as hell but you know its for the best. Stay strong. DO NOT check your phone. DO NOT expect her to call, forget about her, lower your expectations. Just keep goin forward your gonna be ok.

[Rabican]

Jupiter, you are probably what we would all call a security blanket. She comes to you when she wants a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, a place to hang out, sex if she wanted it and on and on. Meanwhile you are stuck in heartbreak limbo, wanting to get back together with her. She gets all the goodies of having a man, without having a man. She can come and go as she pleases, do whomever she wants, and she isnt required to ok any of this with you. All the while you wait patiently for her to give in to your pleading and take you back. I would tell her one last time that you love her, and that you want to be with her. But that you are done with the limbo, done with the 'friend' business, done being her man, without being her man. Go no contact, or at the very least just be CIVIL and nothing more when you see or talk to her. Get it out of your mind (or at least out of your actions) that you will get back together. You need to move on, or at least prepare yourself for as much. Leave the ball in her court, but quit trying until she says she is ready.

[Rabican]

I guess i should throw this out there too.

Part of the reason she says she broke up with me is because i was depessed.

I mean for real , she told me she thought i was about 2 months ago.

I believed her and got on some pills for it , they really are helping me and I am alot better now , she even said and noticed that I seemed to be alot better the last month we were togeather as anti-depressants take like a month to really kick in. Anyhow , so I know Im partially to balme , she said that she

lost some feelings for me during my rough time.

 

 

I would really reconsider being with anyone who couldnt handle the rough times. If you have depression (my dad does) you are gonna have some rough times here and there most likely. Do you want someone whos gonna bail on you, and get 'confused' every time the going gets rough. I watched my mom stand by my dad through some pretty rough times, no job, talking about suicide, being hospitalized due to being so depressed. They stuck it out, and get along great today. My mom loves my dad to death, shes not the type to run when the going gets rough. So ask yourself do you want someone who can stick it out with the hard times, or someoen who disapears.

[Jupiter]

4th day of NC,

Anyone lese think I should tell her I love her and want to be with her

one last time ? Like in the above post?

Anyone think that NC is gonna make her wonder ?

Im scared , I dont want to give up

She told me when we broke up that she lost some feelings for me.

Ive really come out of my depression (Zoloft Smile)

I really do feel better , she thinks Im just acting this way to get her

to come back. Im close to breaking down and calling her.

Why do I think I can fix it somehow?

Thank goodness for you guys : )

keep comments coming it helps me

[Jupiter]

She called today , complained a little about her roomates cleanliness.

Talked about regualr suff . I kept it short ,

She told me a few things she had to do , then she asked me

if it would be weird if she showed up to my band practice.

(I play guitar in a band , people hang out at practice)

Anyway , I told her yes it would be weird , she said, "so I shouldnt come?"

I said no, dont come

SHe is friends with alot of people that hang out there.

She siad, " I just havent seen everybody in a while."

I cut the conversation kinda short , told her I had to go ,

I had someone stopping by. (It was on of my customers) but she didnt

need to know that.

She also told me she was going to come home for a few days from school.

 

I wonder what will come next?

Did I do good? Handeling the call I mean ?