Broke up with my longtime girlfriend tonight....

[Ross123]

I feel pretty awful and too depressed to sleep, so I decided to look this up online... thinking that, you know, I am human and I cannot possibly be the only person who is dealing with these terrible feelings right now. Well, let's back track a little bit... So, I have been with a girl for about 5 and a half years now... roughly 1/4 of my entire life... and I find out that she has been seeing another guy for about 2 months now. And to top it off, this guy sounds like a real shallow jerk who is just telling her the usual things that he thinks she wants to hear... And, to be frank, I really feel betrayed because I really loved this girl for a long time. I was always honest with her and she wasn't honest with me.... she basically stabbed me in the back. I don't really know what I did wrong; she claims that this guy loves her more than I do...

 

So, I know that it is over. We have had our close calls in the past, but this time it is different -- she already has someone else. I have been replaced. And even though I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I just cannot shake these feelings, you know? We have had our fair share of fights in the past and we have stopped talking entirely at times... and during most of these times I felt kind of empty, like a void was eating away at me... or that she left a hole behind in my life. This is the hardest thing for me to deal with... this hole... it really wears me down and it is like being in a terrible deep depression that lasts all day, everyday.

 

I know that I have to be strong, but it is so hard. I want to believe deep down that I can go back to her because I really felt comfortable with her. No matter how confident I may have initially been that we had a rock solid relationship that would last well until the end of our lifetimes, it's over. And all I can keep thinking about is the philosophical idea that all relationships have a life span... that eventually everything you love will leave you. Whether you drift apart from each other or whether your partner dies, we all have to go through this experience someday in our lifetimes... unless, of course, you die before your partner.

 

But, the thing is, I have always kind of been an introverted loner. I have a hard time getting close to other people, so this break up really hurts. This girl meant the world to me. I told her my most intimate and personal secrets. I don't think that I can just "go out" and immediately find someone else like she did. I have to get to know them first... and then I have to feel like there is some kind of deeper connection between us.

 

Another feeling I keep getting is this feeling that she is not serious about this guy... and that she will be back.... and here is where my conflicting emotions come in... If she comes back I know that I will want to take her back immediately, but deep down I know that I shouldn't. I would never in a million years want to go through this hurt again... I have been through it mildly before, but it has never been this bad... and this is just the beginning.

 

In any case, I know that most of these questions are rhetorical. I know what I must do... take this one day at a time, but it seems like such a long road. Five years is an awfully long time... and thinking about how much I will miss her everyday is just too unbearable to deal with....

[arwen]

Hey Ross,

 

Welcome to ENA! I am sorry for your pain. This is an awful way to break up, but it is a good thing that you did. She betrayed you, she was another person than she seemed to be. No matter how shallow this new guy is, what matters is that she cheated on YOU. You may miss the comfort of her being a part of your life, but if she comes back pleeding and begging, will you ever be able to trust her again? If she did it once, and continues to see him, it's not like a one-time mistake (even that would be very hard to move past).

 

You will get better in time. A lot of people here are going through the same thing, they come here in deep misery, find new friends who support them here, and mostly we are happy to see that people get better (with ups and downs, but always moving forward!). You say that ultimately, everything you love leaves you. Yes, life is definite and people may part for various reasons, But that does not mean that love is insignificant. It hurts a great deal now, but we all learn from relationships-- from the good and the bad things.

 

I am also a bit of a loner, although I connect easily on a 'superficial' level, I prefer to be by myself most of the time. My friendships are thereforeeee not big in quantity, but they are true. You don't need to find someone else now. What she is doing is not 'the example'. I think that right now, it's most important that you share this with some of your friends and your family, and get the support you need.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[sparkle1]

Hey Ross

 

You are not alone with these feelings. 99% of the people on this forum would have been or are going throu the same emotions as you are right now.

 

5 years is a long long time. However, don't regret those years together. Try and remember the good times, and be thank ful (if you can) that she was in your life for the time she was.

 

Many people will enter your life and leave a 'footprint'. WHy they enter, we may not know for a long time - but in the end we will be able to see. She was a special person to you, but don't confuse the void and lonliness with love.

 

SHe has betrayed you in the worse way possible. Its more then likely she doesn't want this new man, and in a little while once all of the lust and initial honeymoon period has passed, she may well be on your doorstep begging for forgiveness.

 

You need to ask yourself if you were to rekindle the romance - would it ever be the same? Someone who you loved so much, and believed loved you - hurt you. It isn't saine for someone who 'loves' you to hurt you in such a way. So although you are hurting at the moment, and wishing things were different. you need to face reality, and move on.

 

YOu and her will never be what you once were. You'll never 100% get that back, but you can move on, meet someone new - who'll love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

Take care...

 

HUGS x

[bobo85]

sorry bro, i know how it feels. Same thing happened to me about 7 months ago. Though we didn't date as long as 5 1/2 years (we dated 3 years) it still stings sometimes. But you know what...you will feel better. The first month or so is gonna be a long drag but its something you have to go through. And look at it this way...now you are forced to move on because she is seeing this new guy. She isn't still calling you, wanting to be best friends. You get space from her so you can heal. In order to feel better about the breakup, you must feel the pain. Don't forget about her because you still had some good times with her...but take what you learned from this relationship and use it in your next relationship.

 

And if that doesn't make you feel better...imagine what other people go through. Married for 20 years...3 kids....and get divorced at age 50. Where do you go from there?...its hard to have 3 kids, be 50 years old and have to find someone knew all over again.

 

Your still young and believe it or not...you will have many other romantic relationships in the future. Its just that heartbreaks and breaking hearts come with the territory.

[iceman85]

Man thats rough, its gonna really suck for awhile, theres nothing you can do about it. I can just remember how I felt, and it was really painful for a month or so after, it was like I didnt want to live anymore, I didnt know how to do anything.

 

Your gonna be alright, your much better than her. You dont deserve to be second best, you ARE the best. IF shes is to dumb to realize that then there is some girl thats going to. I know you spent so long with her and probably thought you were destined to be together forver. I know how it feels. Then reality gives you a knockout punch and you gotta find a way to pick yourself up off the mat.

 

Going into NC with her is gonna be really tough and really hard but its gonna help you heal, and its gonna bring you to a place where you are gonna feel good about yourself.

 

Just keep going day by day, its gonna feel like its getting worse and that its unberable. But your gonna start to get better, it takes time. These boards are a great place to be, their a lot of help and you can also see that you are not the only one going through this horrible feeling.

[tobetterdays]

hey man,

so sorry to hear about your heartbreak..i've been there bro. although i didn't catch my girl red-handed, i found out 2 weeks after her dumping me that she was seeing somebody else. i was with her for 3.5 years and im 27. i was going to marry her..all that i can say is THANK GOD IT DIDNT!

 

im not going to sugarcoat it, you are going to be in a world of pain for a few weeks. it may be unbearable at times but try to keep this in mind..

IT WILL GET BETTER.

 

it really does..and i didnt believe it for a while.i know there is no solution to feeling better but i strongly advise you to go NC right away. as brutally hard as it is, it is really the only way to get over somebody, and the first major step you can take for healing.

spend some time crying, screaming, breaking things...get out all of your emotions out the first few weeks..lean on family and friends..keep busy, distract yourself..i did this and finally got sick and tired of being miserable.

 

with me, i thought about her every second of every day for the first month or so and it has slowly got better..i think about her less and less, my self esteem is back..

 

breaking up after a long relationship is one of the most painful things a human can go through IMO. but you can make it into a great learning experience and become an even better person. what doesnt kill you makes you stronger..remember that.. stay tough man, you just started round 1 in a 15 round bout.. get through each round..don't ever throw in the towel.

 

pm me if you ever need to talk.

 

TBD

[rimshot22]

Wow, that's tough! Maybe you can take some solace that at some point down the road she will realize what she did. Even if she doesn't reach out; she will experience those feelings of guilt, hurt and regret-particularly with the length of your relationship.

 

For the time being, stay as busy as possible. It's the only thing that worked for me. You truly have to make a strong effort at times, even to just get out of the house, but when you do, it will be worth it. Hang out with friends as much as possible. There's no better cure than being around people who care about you.

 

Start something new. Do you work out? If not, start. If you do, work out more, at a different place, with different excercises. Eat healthy-lots of fruits and veggies can have a remarkable effect on your attitude.

 

Best of luck!