I feel pretty awful and too depressed to sleep, so I decided to look this up online... thinking that, you know, I am human and I cannot possibly be the only person who is dealing with these terrible feelings right now. Well, let's back track a little bit... So, I have been with a girl for about 5 and a half years now... roughly 1/4 of my entire life... and I find out that she has been seeing another guy for about 2 months now. And to top it off, this guy sounds like a real shallow jerk who is just telling her the usual things that he thinks she wants to hear... And, to be frank, I really feel betrayed because I really loved this girl for a long time. I was always honest with her and she wasn't honest with me.... she basically stabbed me in the back. I don't really know what I did wrong; she claims that this guy loves her more than I do...
So, I know that it is over. We have had our close calls in the past, but this time it is different -- she already has someone else. I have been replaced. And even though I don't want to feel sorry for myself, I just cannot shake these feelings, you know? We have had our fair share of fights in the past and we have stopped talking entirely at times... and during most of these times I felt kind of empty, like a void was eating away at me... or that she left a hole behind in my life. This is the hardest thing for me to deal with... this hole... it really wears me down and it is like being in a terrible deep depression that lasts all day, everyday.
I know that I have to be strong, but it is so hard. I want to believe deep down that I can go back to her because I really felt comfortable with her. No matter how confident I may have initially been that we had a rock solid relationship that would last well until the end of our lifetimes, it's over. And all I can keep thinking about is the philosophical idea that all relationships have a life span... that eventually everything you love will leave you. Whether you drift apart from each other or whether your partner dies, we all have to go through this experience someday in our lifetimes... unless, of course, you die before your partner.
But, the thing is, I have always kind of been an introverted loner. I have a hard time getting close to other people, so this break up really hurts. This girl meant the world to me. I told her my most intimate and personal secrets. I don't think that I can just "go out" and immediately find someone else like she did. I have to get to know them first... and then I have to feel like there is some kind of deeper connection between us.
Another feeling I keep getting is this feeling that she is not serious about this guy... and that she will be back.... and here is where my conflicting emotions come in... If she comes back I know that I will want to take her back immediately, but deep down I know that I shouldn't. I would never in a million years want to go through this hurt again... I have been through it mildly before, but it has never been this bad... and this is just the beginning.
In any case, I know that most of these questions are rhetorical. I know what I must do... take this one day at a time, but it seems like such a long road. Five years is an awfully long time... and thinking about how much I will miss her everyday is just too unbearable to deal with....
