What do I make of this..?

[Kimmikazi]

I'm about to lose it. >>

 

Here's my "issue"....

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for quite some while...he's an amazing guy and I couldn't ask for more...(or could I?...) I've never considered myself as a person that gave to much until recently.

 

Time and time again my boyfriend is claiming that I'm "selfish","ungreatful", and other sorts of things along those lines. To some extent, he may be right, but I believe that it's because I give way too much, so when I get something in return that isn't up to par, I get let down to the point where I just don't know what to do.

 

I'm a creative mind, always trying to think of others, trying to make things beyond the norm, and trying to rid myself from being just the "average" person. My theory is...anyone can SETTLE for the guy who goes out to bars, spends time with the girlfriend, works, and comes home to bed. I want the guy that goes out with friends, bars when it's the right time, remembers his friends birthdays, good head on the shoulders, a brain, spends not only time with his girlfriend...but showing what she REALLY means to him, and before going to bed...call his girlfriend to say I love you...once in a while tells his mom what she means to him etc. I want the guy that's just not the average Joe basically. Someone that has more to give than just what is basic and necessary. More action; Less words.

 

I found him.

 

He has his downfalls, but he knows what I expect and he tries to be it all, and I DO appreciate it.

 

Now, what's going on at the moment in this mind of mine...is...

He's in Mexico with his Mom, Dad and Sister...visiting his family that he has not seen in over 10 years. His Grandparents, Cousins, etc. He also went for his Little Cousin's Catillion(sweet 15). He's gone for 2 weeks...and although I knew I'd miss him...I didn't know how much. Before he left, he was so amazing, he took me to this place I've always been dying to go to, he surprised me with roses at work, and spent all his time with me...he usually does, but he just really showed how much he'd be missing me...he wanted things perfect before he left.....and told me that when he's gone he'll call me as much as possible. So, the day after he got there, he called and left me a v-mail saying he got there safe, said it was so awesome to see his Grandma, and all that stuff. Well, Saturday morning I set off (with a hangover, lol) and got a tattoo on my pelvis...of ... his name. Insane, I know. But, this is the man I plan to marry, already have been trying to have a baby(I'm not able to easily), and be content with for the rest of my life.

 

So, finally he called again that night...he bought 2 calling cards with only 10 min on each...since his cell phone won't work out there. Within those 10 min. a fight evolved. I told him how frustrated I was that I couldn't talk to him when I wanted...and he replied with "you are selfish", and that I don't even care to consider what he had to go through in order to get the cards...it's pretty ghetto where he's staying...and the walk isn't safe at all...etc!

 

So, I understood and said I'm sorry and that I loved him...the card ran out of time.

 

So, the next day he called when I got off work and he said he went to the Catillion Saturday, and something just got to me, and I was like...So how were the women there and basically I just talked crap to him. He was REALLY upset. (I rarely pull the "jealousy" card). SO he told me he'd just let me go and call me later that night. No call...nor the morning or when I got off work. Off to school I dragged myself.

 

I've always been the person to do more than what I should and receive less...or does it just "feel" that way cause others aren't going to the extent I would go to...Although I am this way, once someone takes advantage of that, I've never been one to be a fool. I am strong, and I won't crack.

 

So, he called me today finally-and said he had no more minutes other than the 5 that remained and I was furious that he didn't buy more. If it were ME...I would have STOCKED up on cards... I would have walked 10 miles in the pouring rain...through the ghetto...ANYTHING. That is just the PERSON I am. Naturally, I'll do ABOVE AND BEYOND. I'd want to be able to call at random and say I love you, say I miss you...I know he'd be back at home waiting on a call..or would he? He knows this, and although I didn't think I expected the same, I DO. He asked why I was doing this...why I wanted to keep fighting every time he had a chance to call. I told him it was PROBABLY because he never called me back last night nor this morning OR after work...and how he KNEW I'd be waiting. He told me that he couldn't put up with what I was doing and that maybe I should just move on.

 

MOVE ON?? I gave my life to this guy...tattooed him on my body!, and now he's saying such words??

 

I almost lost it, and he said..."Kim, do you have something on your mind? Maybe a guilty conscious, maybe you got the tattoo cause you cheated. Then things got heated and it got to a you, I don't believe you" thing.. SO NOT LIKE US!!!

 

I couldn't believe the words he just said. He swore, got angry...that's NOT like him. I asked when I'd talk to him again, and he said he didn't know and that he had to go cause the card was almost out...he then said "I Love You"..and the phone went out.

 

 

 

Now, I know that from this long scenario, it may seem that I am selfish, self centered, and not letting him be with family etc. But, from my end-it's not like that...I am so happy he gets to visit his family and go to his roots in Mexico, that's awesome. But, I don't expect that he leaves and forgets what's here for him day in and day out on an every day basis...the girl he goes to sleep with every night...the girl that will give him the WORLD, the girl that he goes to with every bit of advice..the one he is trying to have a LIFE with. I am the one that WOULD NEVER just not call...or only buy 2 damn calling cards, or make it a point to say "appreciate this". It should be a given to call me every day in my eyes. Possibly because it's what I would do naturally. There's been way more than one incident where he would never go to the extent to show me his love that I just do naturally. He's very stubborn, when we fight...it's me doing everything in MY power to pull things together. We DO NOT have a jealous relationship either...so when that situation occurred I couldn't believe it.

 

I think it's in general..the person I am...For instance, before this... I was in a "serious" relationship, I took a vacation with my girlfriends to Cancun..not the best place to be when you're serious...but besides all that...I stocked up on so many calling cards, the cost was outrageous...just to say good morning, goodnight, etc. To me, it was more important to think ahead and to secere the relationship I had back home, than to be SELFISH and just concentrate on what I had going on there on Vacation. Eventually...he moved to Arizona and left me cause things ended up going bad in our relationship...when he did that, a week later, I flew out there to try and turn my wrongs around. In the past, I had made plenty of mistakes and learned so much in the process. With the guy I'm with now, I have been what every guy would want a girlfriend to be. Even more. I can think of so many instances where I've done things that I don't think most people would find the normal thing to do...I do things on a normal basis that most people would be blown away by.

 

My girl friend today told me that I need to stop revolving my life around trying to be everything for people, because I'll never be satisfied with what I get in return. I think she may be right. Maybe if I stopped being so naturally giving and doing things for people even if it means hurting myself...maybe when people DO do things for me, I'll be able to appreciate it.

 

I think that saying "treat others how you want to be treated" is bogus...because... how can anyone ever compare to the one that's treating others better then themselves? Other people must be normal...cause I feel if I acted in such ways that are "average"...I'd be so half-assed.

 

Do I stop caring about others and this relationship so much? Do I start thinking only of myself? Do I stop expecting things in return? Am I really SELFISH? God...I'm so hurt and confused. I want to show my boyfriend that he's my world...but why do I have to get so hurt in the process...? Same with people on an every day basis...I want to be the over caring person...but if I'm never going to get it in return...what's the point. I never expected it in return...until I realized that it's what gets me down so much.. I can't eat, sleep, think...nothing.

 

 

...............Thank you so much for taking time to read this all!

[DN]

I take it you want honest opinions?

 

I think you were totally out of line and owe him a huge apology.

[eviljedi]

I take it you want honest opinions?

 

I think you were totally out of line and owe him a huge apology.

 

I totally agree.

[avman]

Sorry I agree. You are being completely selfish and you are writing as if the world revolves around you. You are doing nothing but complaining about how you can't have what you want, when you want it and that he hasn't dragged himself through machine gun fire to buy more cell phone cards.

 

Portraying yourself as a martyr to your partner isn't going to earn you any points. It will create resentment as you have highly unrealistic expectations of what kinds of sacrifices you want from them. When you don't get it, then you get hurt and angry.

 

Love your boyfriend the way you want to show it, but let him love you the way that HE does - not the way that YOU'D do it. He is not you and you don't have the right to expect him to be.

[Kimmikazi]

You guys are right...and I should've known he was right as well. He's an amazing guy and I couldn't want a single thing more. I just wish I could stop myself from getting the way I get...I'm going to push him over the edge if anything.

 

It's so hard to except that you yourself has a problem Trying to fix it is even harder.

 

Thanks for the advice though...I'm seeing it more clearly...I'm kinda...an idiot!

[avman]

Why not put that energy you have while you are missing him into a gift for him when he returns? Make something special that he'll really like and remember. It need not be expensive.

 

Then you'll be doing something constructive with your time instead of letting the loneliness drive you crazy.

[Kimmikazi]

Funny you say that!! I started a scrap book about a month ago, and since I've gotten home I've been going back and forth to it! Although, it mayyy take longer than another week, I'm sure! It sure does work well with time though! I like that idea a lot though! A LOT. I'm going to do that tomorrow...start looking for something sentimental!!

[avman]

A scrap book is an excellent idea! Hunt down all those things that you and he have but is never organized. Movie stubs from dates, silly notes and poetry, etc.

 

Good luck, I'm sure he'll love it!