What should I do

[jensen128]

Hi, All,

 

I am very sad and confused now about the relationship with my girlfriend. We met in Denmark few months ago and then we started dating few weeks later. However, she back to the States in August and continues for her final semester. I will also graduate in December. At the time she back to US, we commited that I will come to visit her in December and I want to be together with her.

 

However, for the passed 2-3 weeks, she treated me v. cold. I really don't understand, at the beginning, I thought she should be busy in college so she didn't have time to talk to me. So I decided to give more support to her, send her email, letter, flowers, gift, sms.... But she doesn't has much response to these.

 

The day before, I was really mad, she was in her friend(a girl)'s home and I was talking to her in MSN, suddenly, she just went offline. I waited her for few hours and I send an offline message to her, tell her that I have some serious issues needed to talk to her in phone, ask her to go back home. She immediately goes online and told me that her friend is sick, asked me what's happened. She wants to talk in MSN. Then I need her to go back home immediately, she agreed and said she will be back in an hour because the bus comes every hour. After 3 hours, she was not still at home, I have been so worried and afraid that there is an accident. Finally, she goes online and told me that she had to go to a gathering to show up her face and she missed the bus. I was really mad! Then she told me that she is scared because she knows what I want to say and don't want to confront. Then I needed her to give her friend's phone number to me such that I can call her immediately. I asked her if she really want to work out for this relationship, she said it's depend on me, I said I did everything I can do but she just ignores me. She just said she is scared and don't know. Then I told her that I really want to be with her and I will come to the States. She said she is not worth for me to do that, because I have my own plans and goals. She feels sorry. I asked her if she doesn't like me, she said she never said that. She just said she doesn't know what she want to do after graduation.

 

Honestly, she is the best girl that I had ever met, we are very happy together all the time. She told me that she had 5 boyfriends before, but none of them treat her good and I am the sweetest and best one to her. And I really want to be with her. Actually, I asked her to come Denmark but she doesn't want. Then I asked I come to US but she also doesn't want because I have my own plan before. She just said she will see.

 

What should I do? I still really want to work out because I really love her. She now agreed that she will not ignore my feeling and try to care me. But I feel very uncomfortable all the time, really cannot do anything. I really want to wait until the graduation and see what will happen.

 

Sorry for this long email... Thanks.

[Daligal83]

It sounds to me like she's scared. You moving to the states to be with her is a HUGE step. It doesn't seem like you've been together long and this kind of commitment might be too fast for her. Especially for someone that doesn't know what they want to do with their life yet. She might feel restricted in her choice if you move to be with her. Maybe you should just commit to visiting each other for now and see where it goes from there.

[jensen128]

I really think that she is my true love and I know if I don't try my best to be together with her, it will be the regret in my life. But She just doesn't tell me what she is thinking and she is not happy. I am really sad and worried about her. What I can do now is just to take care her and I hope we can see after 2-3 months after the graduation.

[arwen]

Hey jensen,

 

I think that if it's already clear that both of you are not willing to move to each other's country, there is very little hope. You are separated by an ENORMOUS distance, not only geographically, but I imagine life in the states is also very different than life in Denmark. I recognize the problems with MSN and talking in LDR. It's difficult, you can't really imagine what her life is like when she is at home.

 

I think you can try to plan a visit, but if you are both students that might be very expensive. All is not lost, my friend (like me from Holland) is going to marry her LDR bf from Canada. But their relationship has been quite difficult with many ups and downs. It took a tremendous amount of commitment on both parts. It's hard to take it slow in LDR, things naturally move faster because the partners involved know that in order to make things work, they will eventually have to move to one of their countries.

 

Take care and keep us posted!

 

Ilse

[jensen128]

Hi, Ilse,

 

Thanks for your reply. I will try my best to do what can I do. I don't want to have a regret in my life. We still keep contact everyday but just short, the reason is that she is really busy in college and I understand about it. She likes to work and very independent. She can see her mum and dad only once and twice a year. I will go to see her in december or january for 2 weeks to plan our future or might be stop the relationship. Actually, I will finish my master degree in IT and already got a job offered here in Denmark. The salary is quite good. However, I will still keep an eye on any opportunity to work in the states. Hope there will be a chance.

[arwen]

I think that is the right way to approach it. Visit her (it's just a few months from now!) and keep all options open for the job possibilities. But keep in mind, I believe that in LDR BOTH partners have to be equally willing to live in each other's country. What if your mother becomes ill and needs to be taken care of for a long period? You need to find out in the future, if you stay together, if she would be able to move with you if circumstances would require that.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[jensen128]

Yes, Thanks a lot. By the way, I am not originated from Denmark, I just studied there and I left my home country for 2 years already. Actually, going to the states to work will be not problem for me, but I just need a way to get there. I really hope these coming 3 months can pass by v. soon and I can meet her at the end.