lilac_indi Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 im feelin soo down these days. last night i cried soo much. i thought about everything in my life and i cried. the relationship with my mum is strained and i still feel very depressed about us. she shouts at me, mocks me, gives me idle threats which im sick to death of and brings up the fact that im a disappointment every chance she gets. ive lost count of how many times ive wanted to just end it. i dont feel like ive achieved anything in my life and i dont see a happy future either. i feel useless and worthless. i doubt i have made a difference to anyone's life. all im good at is hurting the people i care about. im a waste of space. i find myself staring at the kitchen knife and just having the urge of grabbing it and slitting my wrists. sometimes i feel happy, other times i feel soo low. i let down the people who counted on me. they had expectations of me and i broke their dreams. im a pathetic excuse for a human being. these chest pains and seizures im getting, i pray to god that the next one kills me or that the doctor says there is nothing they can do. ive had enough. this will save me finishing the job myself. i cant do this anymore. Link to comment
Captain34 Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Lilac- wanna drop a quick post so you know someone's out there listening. Give me a few minutes and I'll send another. C34 Link to comment
Captain34 Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Lilac, I come from a broken household where I was made to feel terrible. There were many times I felt like I failed, like those close to me had to be right when they were demeaning to me...but time has given me perspective. First, realize that no one on this Earth is without frustration, anger, feelings that they aren't living life to its fullest. And unfortunately many of these people will take out their own frustrations on others, even the ones they love. They do this on the ones they love because they know it will stick, and because they hope that their targets will forgive them. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Sometimes they are real low, sometimes they are damn high. You are just a couple years younger than me, but I can say I've learned a great deal the past two years. I am glad that you have the maturity to be able to take a hard look at yourself - many people are too afraid to do this. But the next step is to gain the composure, the perspective to also admit what is great about you. Then build on this. I'd be glad to respond more, just keep posting. Hang in there, life is so beautiful because it is a struggle. Nothing is worth it without a fight, so hang in there! C34 Link to comment
Spugly Fuglet Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Your good. I'm sorry to have to brake this news to you but after long and very experience reserch our panel of experts I.e. me came to the irefutabul conclution YOU GOOD sound, grate, lovily, sweet, nice, corking, tarific, stupendus but most of all a one of a kind fabulous human being. come say it with me "I AM GOOD" from the tips of my feet to the end of my noses , good all the way around, top to bottem and all the way throw. My problem is not that I am not good its the the rest of the world is to stupid to see this glaring fact! it true you know, you can not hid from me, I know in my hart of harts you good and I'm not scared to tell the hole ****** world. In fact wait a moment..... there just told my wife your good (now shes looking at me like I'm nuts and you know what I DON'T CARE you are GOOD. spugly Link to comment
Fallout Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Ok lilac...you know what I believe, I'll try again and I hope you'll be rational about it and that this will get through the relationship with my mum is strained and i still feel very depressed about us. she shouts at me, mocks me, gives me idle threats which im sick to death of and brings up the fact that im a disappointment every chance she gets. Your relationship with your mum is only one : she's abusing you and you're being abused. You are 21 years old and you have only been allowed out of the house 3 times in 5 months! You are not allowed to have friends, you are not allowed to talk on the phone. all im good at is hurting the people i care about. im a waste of space. You hurt NOONE. ALL you did was have a boyfriend and fell in love when you were 20 years old. That is not hurting anyone, only your family's ignorance and abusive ways hurt them, they hurt themselves. YOUR LIFE IS NOT ABOUT PLEASING YOUR FAMILY AND BEING THEIR SLAVE! You have every right in the world to be happy and be a normal person just like every one of us, and NOONE has the right to make you their slave, even if they gave birth to you! i let down the people who counted on me. they had expectations of me and i broke their dreams. im a pathetic excuse for a human being. Expectations can only be within reason, expecting your daughter to not have any friends, to not be allowed to date when 21 years old, to not be allowed out of the house but 3 times in 5 months!!!! are not expectations, but criminal and abusive acts. Listen sweetheart, you did NOTHING WRONG . I am sorry your family is ignorant, crazy, abusive and criminal, that isn't your fault!! They don't deserve you and you certainly don't deserve being emotionally tortured by them!! The way you suffer is telling you how much wrong they are, real families don't try their all to hurt the people they are supposed to love!! Please hang in there, things will get better once you allow them to, the power to get out of there is yours! Link to comment
Spugly Fuglet Posted October 1, 2006 Share Posted October 1, 2006 Fallout knows more of you background than me but if what he says it true you are being used as property not as a human being with rights, if your family says this is an honnor crime then they are wrong, it is they that have broken faith. you are not wrong for being true to your self. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Lilac, Why are you still living at home at 21- when it is so bad there? Do you have somewhere else to go- where you are not under control of your parents? Link to comment
Fallout Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Hope it's because she's in a similar situation to what you were in -abusive that is- and she's still in that denial stage and can't bring herself to get out...tho she seems to want to at time...I hope you can talk more to her and explain to her how abusive relationships work...I know yours was a partner and hers is the family but I think it's the same principle... Anyway she texted me on the cell not an hour ago that her mom told her dad how much she stays online so from now on she'll only be allowed 1 hour/day...if they don't cut the internet that is so I don't know how much she'll be able to post in here... Funny she's not allowed to go out of the house and not allowed to stay online...guess they think she should stare at the walls all day long. Link to comment
arwen Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Lilac, You are living in an abusive home, and you need to find a way to get out of there. This may mean a (temporary) break with your parents. You are an adult, they can't lock you up like this. It's not their right to treat you like this. They make you feel like you should be someone else, while you are perfect the way you are. You are in uni, please contact someone who can offer help there. I repeat: your parents don't have the right to lock you in the house. You are 21, I think it's best if you try to combine study with a job, contact a mentor in uni, so that people can help you to find a room in a dorm, move out asap and live by yourself. You are not the property of your parents. Ilse Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 2, 2006 Share Posted October 2, 2006 It can be a difficult situation to get out of. Unfortunately, only Lilac will be able to make that choice for herself if and when she is ready. She has progressed some in that she recognizes that it is wrong and unacceptable treatment, but now she must mobilize the strength to do something about it. Does she go to uni? If so, there are counselors there and she should go to one immediately and tell them what's going on. Unfortunately as an adult her best option would be to leave and find a safe place to stay... what about with you? You seem like a good friend, are you in a place where she would be safe, and welcome? Link to comment
Fallout Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Well Hope I would love to do that, except I live thousands of miles away in a diff country and more importantly I can't afford the plane tickets or anything otherwise I would... She goes to uni but again the problem is she doesn't have the will to do something...there are plenty women's shelters she could go to that would let her stay indefinitely but she can't make that step Today was a really bad day, the mods and royals know about it...she just told me that if she had found the sleeping pills she would have taken them all today, so now I don't know if she can stop herself in India for 2 weeks with noone to talk to.. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Fallout, I thought that you lived closer, so I can see your frustration. That is the eternal problem with this sort of situation...everyone can want to help her and go mad trying, but until and unless she wants to help herself, she won't- and nothing will change. Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 i dont know what to do anymore. im leavin for india in 12 hours and i dont want to go. i really dont want to go. on the upside ive managed to gain 4 pounds but i will probably lose that too now. im scared. i had to flush the tablets i found because im scared i will take them. im close to hitting rock bottom and i have no one around to help me. i cant stop crying now. i feel like an idiot Link to comment
Fallout Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 You know what to do I hope we can work this phone tlaking today and I can convince you... And no you're not an idiot, all this happening to you is not your fault. Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 im thinkin of throwin maself down the stairs - do u think that wud help? a few broken bones will get me out of india!!!! Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 before u go mad i was kidding Link to comment
Fallout Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Oh where's that laugh..I'll let you know when I find it Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 please do..or i can help you search for it Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Lilac Indi - What is the trip to India about and what will it be like? We need to get you thinking positive. Yes you will be with your parents but at least you will be out of your house. You've gotta find the will - to make things better. We care about you and will be here to support you through good times and bad. But - You have to WANT to get better, feel better, see that there is better. I'm glad to hear you gained 4 lbs. You have to start eating more often. Did you know that lack of nutrition is cause for serious chemical imbalance? You need to eat a little more each day. We need to get your mind back to good so you can start focusing on making changes. Changes like being positive, gaining independence, seeing the bright side of the day and finding a positive balance and life. Just remember - no matter how bad it seems, most problems can be fixed. You can feel better! Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 im goin to india to attend 2 weddings - both cousins. i cant be * * * *ed. the only reason i gained 4 pounds is cos i ate 3 meals both sat n sun plus i had snacks in between. its amazing what time away from my mum did to me that weekend heh. 12 hrs on a plane wi her - that thought is makin ma hair fall out lol. i dont know wot im gna do for 12 hrs on that effin flight. ive charged my ipod and im going to take a book to read. i just hope i cn get thru that flight without throttlin her cos she always manages to get under ma skin. she treats me like im 12, im an adult when it suits her, i should learn to cook and wash dishes - what will my in-laws think?! purleeeease! at least in india i can escape her n do ma own thing wi ma cousins. lets c wot happens Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 See - While in India you can do your own thing. That is a little freedom. Not as much as you would have if you were home alone but find happiness in what you do have. You have your ipod charged. Do you have books to take? What does she do to get under your skin? Find a way to re-focus EVERY time she gets under your skin. You can do this. I'm curious to know of other things she does. All moms nag. Is it at all possible that she may sense how fragile you are and she is worried about you Indi? That she is treating you like a child because she worries that your aren't strong enough? Just trying to get a full understanding so we can think up a plan to get you back to good. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 Congrats on eating 3 meals each day this weekend. You mentioned your mom wasn't home and that's why you ate. What does she do that upsets you so much that you won't eat if she's home? Is part of the reason you are hurting yourself - to punish your mom? Link to comment
Fallout Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 You should bring that new hit book "100 different ways to throw your mother off the plane and get away with it" - I heard it's really good Also, if by some miracle you happen to find an open minded cousin or other relative there that's not stuck in the stone age you should open up to them about your situation Link to comment
lilac_indi Posted October 3, 2006 Author Share Posted October 3, 2006 she has been like that since day one. a control freak. she has got a lot worse because i started dating and i had it drilled into my head that "indian girls dont do that" - i did the unthinkable so to speak. i will actually end up throwin her off the plane or maybe put sleeping pills in her food not sure which one to go with yet. truth is she wont let me grow up. everytime i show some independence she takes it away from me - she wants to groom me to be good for an arranged marriage. an ideal daughter-in-law. yeah rite - i will slit ma wrists before i go for an arranged marriage. she can go to hell Link to comment
Fallout Posted October 3, 2006 Share Posted October 3, 2006 I'm soo happy you're thinking this way Indi...guess we're making some progress after all, don't you dare go back in denial either! It's more even than treating you like a little kid, she was abusive when you were a lil kid too not letting you have friends and go out even then anyways good chance of food posioning happening in India - hope she gets it lol Link to comment
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