Gradual disintegration of love – Please help me..

[shhalone54]

My boyfriend and I (naturally this problem has to do with him!) have been dating for 4 months. During these months never have I been so elated, happy and euphoric and yet depressed, scared and isolated. Ever. My life has never been exponentially bad or good. My family is middle class; we have the average financial problems like most people do, but beyond that I strive pretty well.

 

We started dating and it was the most amazing second of my life when he asked me. He is an outstanding guy. He has been hurt in the past, unlike me, him being my first boyfriend, so I'm sure h most of felt something different with me because we only knew each other a few months before dating.

In fact, those few months: He had a girlfriend. This is where the troubles began.

 

He dumped her and a few weeks later we went out, well, I didn't have any initial problems: He hugged and kissed me, cuddled and talked to me like I was the only girl in the world, and put me on the highest, gold plated stool, if you will. It was wonderful to feel so absolutely unconditionally loved by someone.

Because, I can admit, I was not very attractive when we first started dating (I have had some improvement if you will, done as of late and I look heaps better. ^.^) And he has always had girls crushing on him, so to have someone like that notice ME, well, it felt surreal.

 

My first bouts of jealousy came, of course, over his Ex. I feel ashamed to admit that most of my insecurities were about him having dumped her for me meaning he might dump me for someone else. I have never told him that because it's so absolutely selfish and conceited of me I hate myself for thinking it. But... Onwards.

So our dating started over summer and ever day he'd call and wake me up just so I could come over and see him. We didn't play the computer or anything like that, we'd sit and talk, watch some TV but laugh and giggle at our own jokes during it. It was amazing.

 

Of course, the fall was hard. Our arguments, when they showed up, were devastating. It was like he had another personality. He would go from calm, loving, hilarious, charming to angry and spiteful, saying things just to get me saying things.

It hurt.

 

He could also be quite a hypocrite. Because of my looks I've had low self esteem for quite awhile and I would tell him exactly how I felt compared to other girls. He'd tell me I was stupid, and to stop acting like that. It didn't help my esteem much, but I'd stop talking about it.

 

Yet at the same time, when he'd call himself stupid because of his grades and I'd say "no, you are NOT STUPID." And pretty much beg him to believe me, it was okay for him not to. Because somehow he has some better judgment I don't have.

 

 

Opposites were supposed to attract, that was my thought, because we really are. I excel academically whereas he doesn't, not because he CAN'T, but because he won't put the effort forward. But the differences extend farther then just school music, friends, etc. It goes to religious themes as well. I'm agnostic, I'm just can't claim to know the meaning of life at 15 and I just can't accept religious doctrines that do at this point.

He, on the other hand, is a devout Christian, but doesn't let that show unless it's to prove me wrong.

 

One of our nastiest arguments came when he started calling agnostics and atheists idiots, and I, of course, felt offended. I said, "So, you think I'm an idiot?" and he replies mockingly, "I didn't say you, did I?"

 

He has the tendency to be like that in fights. He can be VERY verbally abusive (Not in that he ever calls me names which he hasn't), demeaning and spiteful. We argued and argued, and he finally said words that have hurt like nothing else. He told me I was going to hell and there was nothing he could do about it because I was so headstrong I couldn't change.

 

He told me that.

 

I was crushed and I just went to bed, crying and hating myself.

Of course, as always, the next day he acted as if nothing happened and it's me dwelling. It always happens like that: our fights end with me being to one most hurt and sad dwelling over them while he thought I was being girly.

 

Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy but that's his drawback. He can be so frustratingly spiteful to me and I don't think he will ever understand how much it truly hurts me.

 

He's accused me of being bipolar, which is funny because my 'random' mood swings are all because of him.

 

Of course, more arguments followed, and I would cry and hurt myself, I went to far as to burn myself, hit myself, never cut: I didn't want him to know he made me fele like that. That the things he says have so much influence over me I will go so far hs to hurt myself to get me to change.

It bothers me that my words aren't so influencing, but then, I can hardly speak my mind. It's okay for him to yell at me.

Demean me.

And me get mad and them him say, "Don't even START."

But if the same thing happens and I do that.

Well. He can argue until the night ends.

It just isn't FAIR. I feel like a five year old getting sent to her room by her dad.

 

So our summer ended, we went back to school and things changed. We didn't sit around together in each other's arms and laugh; he'd go to his video game and tell me to get on the computer so I won't be bored. Naturally to say I would continue going over every day just to be with him, even if he just sat there and played a game. That routine is still carrying on to this day, but he now has a new game in which to ignore me with, even when I try to talk to him via AIM. It's very isolating. I feel rather helpless.

 

Infact, I have been up since 10 and he hasn't once IMed me because he is on his game at this moment. I'm going to wait around until he does message me. Maybe it will show him how he's acting.

That's all I want to do. When he argues, I wan to pull a fast one and make HIM feel like the jerk. I want when he says another girl is pretty, to say, "WOW, THAT GUY IS GORGEOUS!" just so he can feel lowly for 5 seconds like I do whenever he says that. I want when he ignores me for me to be able to do it right back at him and him not get MAD, because I sure as hell DON'T hold a grudge every time he ignores me. I just come back the next day to get ignored or argued with the next day.

 

I love him. Even when he decides to be spiteful and not say it back, I love him. Because, he's held me when I most scared and he's listened to me when I couldn't even tell my own family.

 

I just wish I could not be so scared and just tell him all I've wrote here. But I know if I did he'd just somehow twist it around and make it seem like I was attacking him; that he was a bad person.

 

Just the other night things got rather awkward when he kept putting him feet in my face. I was getting very frustrated because I told him to stop many times, and I was eh, "on the rag" and finally I poked him with my nail and he got very sullen and mad.

"You tried to hurt me."

"I asked you to stop!"

"There are times you do things I want you to stop and I don't hurt YOU. LIKE NOW." Of course I felt horrible for doing it, I said sorry numerous times.

 

I was lying there crying. He just sat there and stared at the ceiling and I lay there and chewed on my tongue until I stopped. Just like he asked me to.

You can't do that to people. He used to hold me when I cried. Tell me it was okay. But lately…It's me I hold.

 

Of course, last night, I told him a rather horrifying story about my child hood tat my mom just revealed to me. I was very scared because she had said the doctors thought I had leukemia at one point and it had 'mysteriously' disappeared. Naturally, I went back to my room in a rather weird mood and told him.

I go this response.

(10:55:49 PM): erm gimme like 10 mins to finish up this quest okay? x.x

30 minutes later he finally talked to me. That he was tired and he wanted to go to bed.

 

Is that what I'm worth to him?

I know it can't be. I know he loves me. I know he gets his feelings trampled on by me just like he does mine. Sometimes I ask myself why I hit myself. Bit myself. Hurt myself just so I can feel bad. To make the pain he gives me go away for my own pain.

 

He makes me feel loved.

He makes me feel beautiful.

He makes me feel isolated.

He makes me feel crazy.

 

I really need advice.

I really do.

I don't know how to handle all my problems, because I just simply can't talk to him. I've tried and he always manipulates my words, compares me to Exs and all around makes it difficult to talk to him.

 

I'm sure I must have caused that somehow, but I want to know peoples advice for me, I do not want this relationship to end. It was so wonderful in the beginning when he acted like he cared and I didn't have to always say "I love you" first.

[Caterina]

You're only fifteen. But your feelings are real. Trust me, there is so much more out there. Break up with him and stay away from him...he doesn't sound like a positive influence. You shouldn't be treated like a child or verbally abused. And he seems to be a poor example of a Christian.

[Jayar]

You shouldn't date anyone that makes you cry at any point after just 4 months. He's very negative and belittling. You will find yourself in a rapidly downward spiral if you don't get out while you still seem to have the power to. Remember that even the most abusive guys (physically abusive too) are sweet and gentle and caring at times. Obviously that's what keeps their victim hanging on.

 

Tell this guy to hit the bricks, and don't you DARE look back. If you break up with him he will become sweet. Trust me. But don't trust it or him.

[Momene]

He sounds very controlling and he probably dumped his ex because he couldn't control her.

[Daligal83]

This guy sounds so much like my ex. He constantly put me down and shut me out. He was only nice when I got upset enough or he wanted something. It turned into a cycle of me getting upset over everything just to get him to be nicer. It's not going to get better hun, it's only going to get worse. I know you love him but that doesn't mean he's the right one for you. You WILL get over him. You deserve so much better than this. It sounds like he has some serious self-esteem issues that have nothing to do with you, and you can't make them go away. If I were you, I'd move on before you get in deeper and it gets harder to leave.

[Lunabelle]

He makes me feel loved.

He makes me feel beautiful.

He makes me feel isolated.

He makes me feel crazy.

 

These are normal feelings people have.

It's okay that you feel that way.

But those feelings don't obligate you to stay in a painful relationship. They don't have to be this way.

 

You seem very mature, bright, a lot of thinking going on. Just know that relationships are supposed to enhance your life, to improve the quality of life so you have someone to share it with. I don't hear that in your post.

 

Don't be with someone who hurts you. Life is too short. Don't settle for controlling, manipulating nonsense like this.

 

In my opinion, the sooner you are away from this guy, the better.

 

PS -- Based on your post, in no way would I describe this person as a devout Christian.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Hmm. You're 15- it's been 4 months- and he's rebounding. Clearly. I'd go find someone else.