ugh....agony

[sillygurl]

I just need to "talk"...

Oh man, this hurts. God does it ever... I have to be up in a few hours to go to work and I can't sleep. All I want to do is feel my ex laying next to me, hold his warm, sleeping form close to me and tell him I love him.

 

I'm having a really hard time with the reality of the situation; that I just can't have him in my life anymore. I miss the good times so much, I miss loving him, and his hugs and kisses...and I don't really know what went wrong, but I do know that he isn't now, nor is he ever going to be the person he once was in my life. He's changed too much, too many things have gone wrong, too many fights have happened for him to think of me the way he used to. I can't trust him anymore, I know he lies too much. He has deceived me and I can't allow myself to settle for what I know isn't the best I can do.

 

I've emailed him twice tonight, I need to remember these things, these reasons why it will never work the next time I am feeling weak for him. Like now, when I am so lonely, and so stressed out and worried about the future. Thinking about not having him in my future is too painful for words. I love and miss him too much. God I wish I could sleep.

[friscodj]

I've emailed him twice tonight, I need to remember these things, these reasons why it will never work the next time I am feeling weak for him. Like now, when I am so lonely, and so stressed out and worried about the future. Thinking about not having him in my future is too painful for words. I love and miss him too much. God I wish I could sleep.

 

Hey SG-

 

Oh believe me, I know exactly how you feel...

 

But you said something important here, that you have to remember the bad with the good. It's normal to have the good thoughts and memories overwhelm you but it is only fair to match these with the bad memories too, right? They count just as much as the good memories...and sometimes even more...

 

So don't forget to really think about the things that will make a relationship with him not work out, think of who he is now and not who he was or who you envision him as or hope he will be. Because right now...he is still that same person...

 

But this is all fine and dandy but you are suffering and can't sleep. Well, I like to get out and take a nice 3 am walk in the cool, calm nighttime air. Just walk around, look at the stars, cry, let out the grief inside of you clawing at your insides wanting to get out...take it for a little walk...

[arwen]

Hey girl...

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I send you a hug over the ocean! You are torn between your feelings of love and missing him, and the reason you broke up. Both are very painful, the good and the bad memories. I know how it feels, not sleeping, even maybe keeping yourself from sleep because waking up is so horrible. However, I think it's VERY good that you see why you guys have split up. It's a very good insight that you KNOW that you really can't be together. I promise you, this awareness will help you through this difficult time. And when you start healing, and can focus on the other aspects of life, you will start to be glad that things are over. You will still miss him, but less frequently.

 

I am very happy that you are not settling for less than you deserve, it shows GREAT inner strength to make such a decision. I think it's best to not email him anymore. Post here when you feel the urge to contact him, and let us talk it out of your head

 

Again a big hug,

 

Ilse

[whoops]

i feel for you - i am in the same boat but i think mine left me months ago even though we broke up a few weeks ago - my doing.

 

I have even left the door open for him if he decides i am the one. Psyco me i guess.

 

I havent slept at all i awoke like you did and stupidly text him - i regret it now having gone back to bed and waking again more refreshed.

 

I am grieving like you and i go out and talk to people and then get teary which is really embarrassing - why do we do it.

 

I dont know how long you were with your ex but last night when i couldnt sleep i thought of all the things that made me appealing to others and listed them in my head in a way i thought it would help me move on and realise there are others out there that will like me one day.

 

I then worked out that if i think of all the things i learnt in the relationship and the way i did things how i would learn to do them differently if i found another to love me. It takes me so long to find someone and i do fear that but one of the people on the forum said you have to love yourself first.

 

Additionally, and this is hard we cant give away anymore time then we wasted to the person we grieve we have to push our thoughts to other things. I am trying as i am sure you are.

 

One last thing is the person we wanted wasnt the choice for us and did you want to spend the next 50 years with someone who you fought with constantly and just stayed together cause you didnt deal with your feelings of grief you are experiencing now? I hope you say no.

 

Good luck to you - i hope our strength of character builds and we come through this not bitter but with fresh eyes.

[asha84]

I know how you feel gurl, im going through all this myself...

 

so hang in there... pull urself together... and take it easy...

[sandyv]

Hi, I'm also going through that painful hell, hard not to start sobbing in the worst placescry: such as work,hope we all pull through this stuff sooner rather than later. My bus route in the morning goes right by the ex's place, and I can't seem to help looking up at his window, 3 days NC now. Only problem is we both get our discount cigarettes at the same bar. I really can't stand the thought of seeing him right now, but its going to be hard to avoid as well.

 

We have mutual friends and people (probably meaning well) tell me how thev'e seen Jack (ex bf) and with who etc. etc...... its making me nuts. I'm wondering if he going to be bugging me about things of his that are at my place. At this point I have to pack them up, too depressing to have these sad reminders around..... hang in there you guys, and I'll be trying to do the same.

[sillygurl]

gee...thanks so much you all, I really appreciate the support!

 

I feel like such a loser again....gave in again and called him (thankfully no begging, just friendly banter) and we are going to see each other tomorrow night. I just wish I could just be done with him and move on, I know I'm just prolonging a final break that should have happened a long time ago.

 

Why do we do this to ourselves?! I know I have no future with my ex, I know that he won't change into the person that I want and treat me the way I want to be treated, and I know that the longer I keep seeing him, the less chance I have of actually meeting someone who could be my "forever after." Despite all of this, every time I see him, logic and takes a back seat to desire, and I forget that I need to move on. Aaargh!

 

thanks again...

[friscodj]

I feel like such a loser again....gave in again and called him (thankfully no begging, just friendly banter) and we are going to see each other tomorrow night. I just wish I could just be done with him and move on, I know I'm just prolonging a final break that should have happened a long time ago.

 

So what are you doing by talking to him and seeing him then?

 

You're flying a holding pattern here, that's what you're doing. In situations like this you just need to close your eyes and put the plane on the ground. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be to do this. The comfort generated by the procrastination will build and become more-and-more difficult to break from.

 

Yes, grief will happen after this ends, you will hurt, but you're going to have to do this anyway at some point and making "that point" later will only make this cycle of healing harder to initiate.

 

So quit feeling like a loser because you have no one to blame for that but yourself. You're going to get zero sympathy from me for putting off and subsequently chickening out of doing the right thing any longer...it's not fair to him and it isn't fair to you...

 

So do it...and then stick to it because that will be a challenge in-and-of itself...but we can help you with that part...

[sillygurl]

Actually, friscodj, there is a method to my madness, but tell me what you think about it. When we see each other tomorrow, we will be going on a daytrip that we'd been talking about for over a year. I think that taking the trip will be helpful to both of us. To me because it'll initiate closure, I've had it in my head for so long that we are taking this trip that I just want it to be done already and close that door of 'waiting' in my brain. (If that makes any sense, ha ha.) Helpful to him because it'll be a stress reliever, and he's under a lot of stress. I mean A LOT. ANd I do care about him enough to want to help him out where he needs it.

 

And I really need to 'splain better, THIS time I feel like a loser for calling him in the retelling that I did so, I'm actually really glad we're finally taking the trip! I didn't mean to imply that I intended to elicit sympathy, sorry about that. Just more of the "auugh I need to get over him because it's pointless" inner frustration at what we can have vs. what we want that I assume a lot of us are going through. I meant to comiserate, not whine...sorry!

 

I definitely did the begging and pleading for a full week, texted him, myspaced him, everything! I was even ready to present him with a powerpoint presentation as to why we should stay together, (more to be funny than anything else) but I finally gave in and was like, OK, you're over me, so here is your stuff and I'll be moving miserably on now. And he was like, why are you giving me my stuff back now, I don't need it immediately. And I was like, because you don't want me anymore and I still want you so why have painful reminders? To which he replied, well, maybe I do want you still... so I screamed and jumped into his arms and we cried happy tears and everything was wonderful for another month or two. That was in May, and we've been back and forth to extremes ever since.

 

I've come a long way since May, in that I'm able to look at the situation a lot more realisticly. I know what my contribution to the relationship's demise were, and I've been able to work on those things to fix myself. I've also been looking at his contributions, and been teaching myself that his jerky habits were about him being jerky, not me deserving it. So....I'm proud of the work I've done!

 

But ooooh there is lot more work to be done. I need to move on for me, he doesn't care too much either way because he doesn't have time for a girlfriend, BUT he really enjoys the time we have together. I know he still has feelings for me, but he's definitely not pining for me, nor seeing anyone else because he literally doesn't have time in his day to do so. (or doesn't want to make the time, one of the two)

 

But if he didn't want to see me, he wouldn't, and he still goes out of his way to do sweet, considerate things for me when I'm not around. I don't think he's intentionally stringing me along, I think he's just not realising how much hope swells up in my heart and pushes logic out the window when he does something sweet.... It's like I lose my ability to think clearly. Then once he's not around for a day or two, reality sets back in and the hurting begins again...

 

So anyway, there we are, the vicious cycle. Hopefully this trip will initiate the closure I need, since taking it will be completing one of our common goals. I'm almost praying that I can remember to spend the entire day looking at everything we do in terms of ok, this is IT, enjoy it for the last time. This will be the last time he holds your hand, the last time he hugs you tight, savor it like a delicious box of chocolates. You will get another box of chocolates, some day, and it will be equally lovely, so there is no reason to cry at its loss!

[sillygurl]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm currently in the same boat but not actually broken up yet because I haven't heard from her since last night. We have had countless of fights and arguments and we have ended and gotten back together numerous times. I haven't been sleeping well for a long while despite her still being in my life. We lost US somewhere along the way and it is really hard to get back. We've tried to make things work but it is just not the same. It's time to move on. It's really easy for me to type that but trust me it's a process we can overcome.

 

Are you having the same back-and-forth feelings that I am? It's so...FRUSTRATING, itn't it?! One day, he's the most beautiful, wonderful thing in the world and the next I can't stand the way he treats me. Arrrgh. We'll have to keep each other posted on our progress in finally seperating...

 

Good Luck to you!

[gfj]

good luck guys. I'm going to try and do myself some good tonight and tell her i need to move on, it's been 2 months since she told me and a month since she moved out, but it's killing me, so I started packing her stuff and I feel better as strange as it seems, we were together 7 years and my problem is I can't get her to tell me anything other that she needs time. I wrote her a letter so she knew where I was coming from and at the end I said just save me a place an I will wait. But she hasn't replied to the letter 4 days later. so we are going for a walk in 30 minutes and I'm standing up for myself whether it's what I really want to do or not, it's best for me I think

[sillygurl]

So here's what happening. All I wanted was time to think and calm down before I talk to her but she assumes I want to break up and tells me that this is on me. I hate it when she says those words, "Its on you if you wanna break up." I guess she hates responsibility. How she was treating this weekend led to this point and she doesnt realize that. One day she is there, another day it doesn't seem like she cares. I hate waking up every day wondering how she feels about me today.

 

It sounds like she isn't interested in taking responsibility for the relationship, nor it's future. Have you tried LC or NC? How did that work out?

 

My ex and I just spent the day together, he acted like we were a couple again in his actions, affection, (hugged & kissed me, held my hand) generosity...but all week prior to today he avoided me, didn't return any of my calls, answer the phone and blocked me on IM. I have no idea what to think. I'm going to go back to very LC. I'd like to say I can do NC, but that's a tough one...I'd rather commit myself to LC for now and try really really hard not to call or email him first. Maybe I can ease myself back into NC and make it last longer than 2 weeks this time....

[sillygurl]

it's killing me, so I started packing her stuff and I feel better as strange as it seems, we were together 7 years and my problem is I can't get her to tell me anything other that she needs time. I wrote her a letter so she knew where I was coming from and at the end I said just save me a place an I will wait. But she hasn't replied to the letter 4 days later. so we are going for a walk in 30 minutes and I'm standing up for myself whether it's what I really want to do or not, it's best for me I think

 

Good, Gfj, pack her stuff, you need the catharsis! but do you really think you want to wait for her to 'save you a place'? Sounds like you've been waiting for her already- for her to elaborate beyond saying she needs time, for her to respond to the letter... Maybe it would be best for you to decide how long YOU want to wait. Maybe putting a boundary up would be healthier for you, and help you heal.

 

What happened when you went on the walk?

[rightfromthestart]

my 2 cents

 

someone stated in this thread...that

 

"You are torn between your feelings of love and missing him, and the reason you broke up."

 

the key part being 'broke up'. i think that is where the confusion is. maybe u both have a different idea about that. was it clear? did anyone say 'its over?'

[sillygurl]

the key part being 'broke up'. i think that is where the confusion is. maybe u both have a different idea about that. was it clear? did anyone say 'its over?'

 

You know what, that is EXACTLY the problem in my case!!! Nobody ever said it was over, not me, not him. He just assumed we were broken up b/c we'd had a fight. Then we were suddenly not together anymore. Then we were back and forth...right now it's up in the air, and I don't know how to define it, nor ask him in a way that he'll actually answer. (When I ask him what we're doing, he says he doesn't know) When we're together he acts as though we are a couple, and seems genuinely happy to see me, and even wants to make plans for the future together, but when we're apart he's entirely too busy to bother with me. It's like he forgets I exist. He barely answers the phone, doesn't reply to my emails and rarely calls me back.

 

I just don't know, as soon as I start thinking he's a jerk and I'm ready to move on, he makes plans with me again, and is really excited to see me again. Arrgh.

[rightfromthestart]

hmmmmmmmm....i understand...sounds like a communication probably that is easily solved. if neither of u 'ended' the relationship, told the other one it is over, then maybe its time to clear the air - sounds like one thinks it was ended and the other doesn't. i would think the one that believes it isn't/wasn't should clarify things because can u imagine ending a relationship because of miscommunication? omg! time for you two to talk.

[rightfromthestart]

my 2 cents

 

it sounds like there is some confusion between u two. take the lead. personally, when my ex broke up with me she was very clear - there was no grey area. she said she was done and reforced it by months and months of silence even during my attempts to contact her. so, in my case, there was no confusion but in yers it sounds like there was - so, do something as soon as u can [if u still want it]

[whoops]

gfi - i did the same as you in order to make a decisison as the ex bf had no balls to do it i packed up his stuff in a bad and took it over to his house and said it was over - it went well i had warned him i would do this - he was still in denial. Anyway i still speak to him a bit when he calls but i inititated the no contact and have mostly held to it bar a few missing type texts and i agreed to see him but that was to wean myself of my best friend i guess - 7 years is a long time - what fears do you have? I am in my early 30s and really scared that is it?

 

Sillygurl- you need to talk to him and before you do make up your mind if you want to be with him or not? Go for it?

[gfj]

what fears do I have, none for myself, I fear my kids might not grow up to be the people they could have been if we stayed together, maybe that we could give up on a relationship with 2 people who really do get along and are very compatable but just don't communcate properly or argue enough to get problems out. My ex lost her mother (suddne death) at 12 and I think she has issues about that she has been hiding for years that may be coming out now. and I would like to help her through that even if we are not together now or ever again because she is a great person.

[sillygurl]

my 2 cents

 

it sounds like there is some confusion between u two. take the lead. personally, when my ex broke up with me she was very clear - there was no grey area. she said she was done and reforced it by months and months of silence even during my attempts to contact her. so, in my case, there was no confusion but in yers it sounds like there was - so, do something as soon as u can [if u still want it]

 

What do you mean? What do you think I should do??

 

thx- SG

[sillygurl]

... I want to be with him, very very much. But his actions (not calling me, not calling me back, etc) say that he does not want to be with me, despite how he acts when we are together. So I told him tonight, face to face, that I can't do it anymore.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think that if you have decided this, you should really NOT CONTACT him. He is not good for you. You are not happy with him.

 

Ilse

[sillygurl]

thank you ilse....

you're right, I'm initiating N/C tonight.

I told him I couldn't take the confusion anymore and he asked, what cofusuion?! And I was like the confusion I feel when I don't understand how you can ignore/not think of me for 4 days, then act like my adoring boyfriend on the 5th. The confusion that overwhelms and distracts me from doing what I need to do...

 

I told him I needed space to get my head together and accomplish things, and he was like, oK, though he looked pretty unhappy-- but none of that matters, because if he'd have wanted me, then he would have actually tried to get me right?

right?????

 

 

Right. so,,,I get to relax for now.

 

xoxox

[whoops]

you need to realise that you must be with someone who puts you first - to be always so confused about where you are is a travesty to your well being - to finish it is the best thing - to do your own thing find someone willing to be with you is the better option then messing around with your emotions - forget him move on

[angel1211]

Hang in there sillygurl. You have to be strong while in NC. It takes a lot from someone to initiate NC. I've done it in the past and it works wonders. If you fall back for any reason, you can always pick yourself back up again and start where you left off.