What's a girl to do?

[finneganswake]

Okay, you all are a smart bunch, so I'd really appreciate your input on this situation!

 

About two months ago, I met a guy on link removed. Our first date goes very well. However, the day after our date, he left for a weeklong business trip. I didn't angst over whether I'd hear from him again. But he surprised me and emailed me from his location. When he came back, we went on a second date during which he presented me with a very nice gift. From here on out, we kept seeing each other. Since we live about 25 mins apart, he often picks me up/takes me home from dates, pays for our dates (even though I managed to pay a couple of times). He always planned them in advance and never cancelled on me. After about five dates, he invited me to his place for dinner and we ended up fooling around, stopping short of sex. The next time we saw each other we finally did have sex and it was amazing.

 

 

Well about a month into dating, I had to leave for my senior year of college. We're separated by a 1.5hr plane ride. Before I leave we decide that we want to "see how things go" and "take it a day at a time." I've been gone for about 3.5 weeks now and am actually going back to visit in a couple of days for the weekend (I am home very frequently). Since I've been at school, we talk on the phone about 2 times a week, exchange some texts/emails here and there. My birthday was a couple weeks ago and he surprised me with a very thoughtful gift.

 

I'm pretty excited to see him this weekend and he says the same. He says he can't wait to take me out to some of his favorite local spots, make pancakes for me in the mornings, give me a bunch of Economist articles he's saved for me on climate change, etc. He's even talked about plans for us to take a weekend B&B excursion sometime in October.

 

So what's the hitch?

 

Well, his online profile is still active. As is mine, I'll admit (but mostly because I am checking to see if he's online!). A couple days ago, I broached the topic (albeit, in an indirect, non-angry way). He said that he wasn't a paying member anymore, that he's just curious to see who's winking, etc. He then followed with "I haven't contacted anyone from the site for a very long time" and "You're an angel, I can't imagine there being any more out there." I really believe him and actually didn't feel threatened by the fact that his profile was still active (because, mine has been too...).

 

BUT, I've done some googling on the issue and its making me worried. He and I haven't had a formal "defining the relationship talk" (quite frankly, I'd rather just wait to see how things iron themselves out), so I can't help but wonder: is he dating other women? Am I just a fling for him? I don't want to bring this issue up with him because things have been so easy-going and drama-free. And for what its worth, I'm 21 and he is 28.

 

Any insight would be soooo helpful. Is he into me or am I probably just one of many women he is wooing? Is his online profile activity a cause for concern or no?

 

I'm going back on Thursday afternoon and really want this weekend to be fun. Additionally, I want to be able to get past this online profile thing. Sorry this is so long, but I don't want to spare details for brevity! Thanks everyone!

[annie24]

hm. well, the last relationship i was in, it was a month into dating, and i had the same questions as you.

 

we were sitting down to watch a DVD together, and I turned to him and said, "I like you." he said, 'i like you too." then I said, "I'm not dating anyone else and don't feel like it either.' he said the same thing back to me.

 

so, that was that. we then watched the movie. so I guess it went really easily and well.

 

it sounds like your guy likes you, and is maybe even signing online to see if you are signing online

 

so.... good luck! i bet things will go well

[Batya33]

I did a lot of online dating - met over 100 men in person, dated several for a few months at a time. Here are my thoughts. Having an active on line profile where women can write to you, wink at you, etc is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship - it's telling the world that he is available and he is keeping his options open to a certain extent. However, you chose not to require exclusivity and to sleep with him relatively early on in the relationship. From this he is entitled to assume that you are comfortable with casual sex (sex without a commitment). He is entitled to keep his options open and to date others if he wishes.

 

Sure, it's fine to have the attitude of "we'll see how it goes" - for me, for example, that would never work if we were having sex - i would insist on exclusivity first, and likely not have sex for at least the first few months. But that's me. You are entitled to be fine with casual dating - with "let's see how it goes" but then it's not fair to expect him to take down the profile. All of the gifts, calls, dates and attention certainly reflect that he is interested in you but if he were interested in being exclusive, he would not want to have a profile up stating that he is single and certainly not one that was active.

 

I had a similar situation in that we dated for two months and he was logging in every few days. We were not exclusive (and thereforeeee didn't have sex yet) but he called me every day, bought me small gifts, took me out at least twice a week. However, at the two month mark I told him that I wasn't going to wait forever for a commitment. He understood and asked for a little more time. I decided internally to give him one more month. As luck would have it, on our third month "anniversary' I saw a side of him and watched him do something that was shocking and convinced me that we didn't have a future. I will also add that in that last month he slowly distanced himself - point being - anyone can romance you for the first few months - you have to get to know the person over time. This person likes you but is not yet ready for a committed relationship.

[finneganswake]

Well, before we had sex I told him that I was not going to do it if he was dating other women. He said that he was not dating other women and had no intentions of doing so. So I guess we didn't say that we were in an exclusive relationship, but we were exclusively being intimate with each other.

 

I'm okay with the notion that he may not be ready for a committed relationship yet. However, I am wondering if our relationship could progress to that stage at some point, and what I can do to move things in that direction. He has mentioned his dislike of the bar scene, and in particular the fact that since he feels his career and life are where he'd like them to be, he's ready to share his life with someone. His words, not mine. So it sounds like he's at least open to the idea?

 

Nothing so far has given me any indication that he's losing interest, but I feel like when you meet a person online, you must always expect the possibility that you'll be dropped rather abruptly because another profile or email has caught their fancy.

[annie24]

Well, before we had sex I told him that I was not going to do it if he was dating other women. He said that he was not dating other women and had no intentions of doing so.

 

This to me sounds like you are exclusive.

 

but, then why is he still on match? i don't know..... hm.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do that will make him WANT to commit. it's just something you feel. women often look for the words that will make a man want to committ, in the same way guys are always looking for "the pickup line" that will get them the girl of their dreams. it doesn't matter if you tell them that pickup lines are cheesy, and that it's not the line, it's the man himself that makes you interested or not. but, some guys refuse to get it. kind of how like lots of women are always looking for what they can do to move forward the relationship.

 

ever notice how a guy can say for years that he is not wanting a committment, etc, and then he meets a new girl one day, and he changes his tune? same thing....

 

hm... I would be careful here.... just see how things go.

[finneganswake]

Yes, but I am still on Match too. Admittedly, I'd been emailing a guy for a few days last week but then decided to tell him that while I appreciated his interest, I wanted to see how things panned out with someone else I was seeing from the site. So I guess for me, its like I'm kind of curious to see who is contacting me and stuff, but I would never seriously consider going on a date to meet someone. I wanted to email this other guy to serve as a test...to see if I was really into this guy I am currently seeing or not. Could it be the same way for him?

 

I just don't want to go there for the weekend and leave feeling cheap or anything. Should I not have sex with him? Should I act kind of detached? He's under the assumption that we're going to be spending the weekend together, but I just texted him and said: "Hey, so it looks like I'm going to be free on Saturday afternoon if you want to get lunch together. Let me know." I guess I am trying to see what his reaction will be.

[annie24]

what does your gut tell you you should do?

[finneganswake]

I don't know. Like I said, he's been great so far. But I was burned pretty badly this past summer by a guy I met on match. I don't want to assume this new guy is going to be the same. And, I'm quite aware of the quote from Doris Langley Moore, which reads that "it is generally only in the course of a light affair that the serious one springs up."

 

I just don't want to get hurt again.

[annie24]

do you feel that you are not so comfortable having sex with him while his profile is still up?

[finneganswake]

Mine is still up to, and from the looks of it I've been contacting people and he hasn't (I had a friend set up a fake profile and wink at him, he didn't respond). So maybe I should just with the flow? Its not as if I haven't been hurt before.

[Batya33]

Mine is still up to, and from the looks of it I've been contacting people and he hasn't (I had a friend set up a fake profile and wink at him, he didn't respond). So maybe I should just with the flow? Its not as if I haven't been hurt before.

 

It's a fairly bad start to a relationship to be playing all these games on match. Meeting men from on line is no different from real life- any man can meet someone while walking down the street, through a friend, at a party - it's no different from getting an email - it only depends on his mind set. Sounds like you are keeping your options open too- don't delude yourself into thinking that emailing another guy is just a test to see how you feel about this guy - it's not nice to use someone that way even someone "anonymous" from on line. You don't need a test to know how you feel other than perhaps not dating anyone at all for a few months and seeing how that feels.

 

Have a talk with him while you are both sober and fully clothed about where this is going. Don't be intimate unless you are comfortable. It's that simple.