need help, confused, need advice plz

[super_dave0001]

sorry if this is long, im just in a dilly of a pickle lol and need some advice on wut to do

 

ok so let me give u a little run down of wut has happened..

 

some of u may know my story, me and my ex went out for 6 monthes then she broke up with me, 2 months later we got back together... she dated a guy in those 2 monthes but they broke it off cause she couldnt get over me, she was calling him my name and stuff like that.

 

so anyways, we ended up geting back together for almost 6 years steady (just a couple monthes shy of 6 years) and times were GREAT we had our ups and downs just like anyone else and to be honest things to me felt like we were unbreakable...

 

than the bomb droped. i went to her house on a friday night and she told me we had to talk. i could see in her face that something wasnt right. she ended up telling me that she dosent wanna see me anymore, that the realationship was boring and rutien and there wasnt a connection anymore. i pleeded my case and she then said she wanted time to herself....

i kinda lost it after that, crying, beging, wanting her back telling her id change things to the way they were n so on....it was all to no avail.. i tired talking to her online and she would freak out on me treating me like garbage n i felt worthless...

 

so i decided to give the nc a shot.... i stayed off the computer cause she would see me on msn steady... then i happened to pop online bout 2 weeks after the break and i was on for litterally 10 seconds and she msged me saying she wanted to talk to me. she appologised for the way she treated me after the break up, and that i didnt diserve that, and that she wants to be friends with me cause i was such a big part in her life that she dosent want to loose that..

 

now i found this suspicious like all of a sudden u want to be buddies, talk, hang out and stuff... this break up is still to fresh to me, and i told her this and she said she dosent wanna loose wut little she has left of me cause i was so important to her, such a big part in her life and that she still loves me...now to me theres different types of love, 1 which i feel towards her which is i cant live without her i eat sleep and breath her kinda love, and the other kind where its i love to have u around kinda like a good tv show so to speek..im kinda feeling like im the #2 love to her

 

anyways all this has me lost... she says she wants to move on with her life but yet wants to be friends and hang out and stuff... but couldnt that possibly make her feel for me again? kinda see wut shes missing out on? believe me ive learned a hella lot about myself an her from this site and just looking back on wut had...i totally agree with her when she says the realationship was getting boring, but if we hang out and do exciting things then she will just end up falling for me deeply again no?

 

i do want to get back with her, but i dont wanna rush things, i do honestly feel that if we hang out and talk to eachother she will see the person i was in the beginning of our realationship the person that wasnt lazy and was romantic, and in turn, want me back.... sometimes i just wanna scream lol

 

is she doing this on purpose to see if do become the man i was where i did care and make plans, where i was romantic and didnt become lazy? i admit i did reach this comfort zone and slacked off, and to be honest it was boring for me too lol

 

im in desperate need of sum advice from you guys and gals

[NJRon]

Hey there. You're in quite a spot here. You should look to your boundaries and set them in a way which provides for *your* well-being... not just hers. If you feel uncomfortable with the lop-sided nature of thise relationship, then I think it best to stand your ground. She made a decision to just call things up and needs to accept the responsibility of her actions. Being at her beck and call is not going to make for an exciting relationship... quite the contrary.

 

Also, to say that she doesn't want to lose you is exactly what she decided to do when you two broke up. I would suggest not pursuing friends at this time. It is way too soon.

 

There are many types of love... from infatuation, to companionship to famlial... however, there are healthy loves... one that offers freedom... and unhealthy loves... one that is driven by attachment. If she has any *real* love for you... at least as a friend, then she will respect your need to get some distance and move on a little bit. If it is meant to be, then doing so will not change that.

 

I would not try and read into what she is saying and wondering if she is tetsing you. That's outside of your control. Be the man you want to be and, no matter what happens, at least you will have your dignity.

 

Hang in there.

[Belgian girl]

Yes I think you should better not give in that friendship relationship too soon

no disadvantage for you if you give her time to miss you I guess

Maybe try to expand your 'own life' to prevent getting lazy and bored and getting into too much routine

Expand social contacts, practise sport if possible, search your own interests, become member of something, do something she could be proud of (and you as well). Guess it's the best to use your time for doing things you otherwise didn't find (enough) time to. Get an interesting person!

[super_dave0001]

i wonder tho if i do give her space that she will miss me? she tells me shes happy being apart and thinks it was for the best... but she wants to be friends... at the same time tho, shes going out partying and stuff, which was sumtin we never did.... i dunno if i stop talking to her if she will just slowly give up and kinda forget... or if she will grow fonder and miss me....

[NJRon]

Don't set up distance to get her back... give yourself distance so you can heal a bit. You need to emotionally detach a bit more so you can be objective. You want to be *more* than friends. Unless you two are wanting the same thing from each other, you will be setting yourself up for a long ride on the pain train.

[super_dave0001]

Don't set up distance to get her back... give yourself distance so you can heal a bit. You need to emotionally detach a bit more so you can be objective. You want to be *more* than friends. Unless you two are wanting the same thing from each other, you will be setting yourself up for a long ride on the pain train.

 

i dont really understand wut u mean by that? ur saying if i distance myself from her i will set up myself for heartache?

[NJRon]

I mean if you do anything with the intention to "win her back", as opposed to doing things in your *own* best interest, then you will be setting yourself up for heartache.

[super_dave0001]

I mean if you do anything with the intention to "win her back", as opposed to doing things in your *own* best interest, then you will be setting yourself up for heartache.

 

yea i just talked to her on msn now.... the whole friends thing u no? i even said wow were talking more now then we did ever b4.... and she agreed, we drifted apart.... but now she asks me if it would be weird if she dated other guys and i said i dunno, knowing damn well it would... then she said she had to go cause sum guy keeps calling her.... im in a world of heart ache... i dunno wut to do i think im gonna ignore her for a while... who knows how long that while will be since shes trying to be friends...

 

she keeps giving me mixed signals n it confuses me.... the impression i get from her telling me she wants to be friends and hang out is that shes playing hard to get and wants to see if ill fight for her, if i really have gone back to the man i was, but then she throws in the fact that shes happy and partying and has guys calling her which throws me off..

 

she also asks me alot of wut i did the night b4, and i just throw out sumtin stupid at her to avoid it...

[heloladies21]

Well your situation is so common it's easy to give advice on.

 

Do not misread signs. Your ex is not asking to be friends so you two can get back together. Most likely she feels guilty about dumping you so by being your friend she won't have to feel that guilt.

 

Being her friend will not bring her back to you. This method has been tried and failed so many times. So then what to do?

 

Once you believe that being her friend won't bring her back to you, you can have a final talk with her where you let her know either it's a relationship between the two of you or nothing at all. Then she can decide what she wants for good and at that point you'll know where you stand.

[super_dave0001]

well ive kinda come to this realisation that maybe i should start to kinda not talk to my ex... ill keep contact to a minimal because this is becoming to much for me to bear... i need to get out there and meet new ppl.... even tho i really dont no how? i think if theres any shot to me and my ex getting back together if it ever reaches that point then minamal contact probably is the way to go, at least tell these feelings in me disapate, cause everytime i talk to her now on msn, its nothing but memories and a world of heart ache, this is by far the hardest time in my life... i feel that she is possibly confused, dosent no wut she wants in life atm... maybe by doing very little to no contact will make her realise sumtin... at the same time i cant sit back and wait for that moment, incase it never shows up..

 

the whole friends deal is to much for me at this time, this break up is still to fresh, worse part is my bday is comin up, an she asked me wut i want...

i do still kinda feel that id be able to win her back if i stayed in her life... cause SHE is the 1 that wants the friendship, id be willing to accept either or... but that being said i get that little glimmer of hope that hey maybe she does want this to work, she just wants to be sure about things... thats y i think if i were to stick with it and really hang in tough that she would fall for me and the man i was when we first went out.... she just needs to see that im back to the way i was in the beginning

 

the way i see it is that absense makes the heart grow fonder... if its real love in her that she feels for me then she will come back, i just have to realise that it wont be an over night thing...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hmm, if your relationship was so boring, then why does she want to be friends with you? She obviously liked certain things about you otherwise she wouldn't want to hang out. Well, she can't have it both ways....hang out with you and date other people. You have feelings too. I would not do the friends thing with her. Let her find out what life is like without you in it to count on. Let her find out that other relationships can get just as "boring" once the thrill of newness wears off. Once the rose-coloured glasses and thrill wears off and you start seeing the true personality of a person, she might re-think things. Or, she might not. At any rate, move on with your life without her in it so you can heal properly without worrying about the signals she is sending you and who she is with when you can't reach her.