Adult Child - terms of death biological parent

[nbkokp6]

I am a 32 year old adult. My biological father was married for the third time when I was 20 years old. His wife is 12 years older than me and has a 17 year old daughter.

 

My concern is my father (who has made questionable decision about women in the past) has an oral agreement with his wife that she will "take care of me" in his death. She and I have had a rocky relationship. We tolerate each other for my fathers benefit.

 

I plan to have a disussion with my father to hopelfully help him understand that he needs to make the decisions related to me in his death not anyone else.

 

Has anyone been in this type of situation. How did you handle it? What was the outcome?

 

Thanks!

[southerngirl]

Whatever his wishes are he needs to put them in writing. Too many people leave with no will written and then their wishes are not carried out.

 

My mother passed away, and luckily my step dad gave me her jewelry. I know this is what she wanted but thats about all I got. All of it is up to my step-dad and that is fine, in my case he did what she wanted.

 

Her sisters however, wanted it differently and expected that her stuff be split up among her 3 sisters, me, my step sister, and my neice.

 

Just sharing my own story about it, see if you can get him to put it in writing, whatever his wishes are. never know when he could go either. My mother was only 51 years old and has been gone 2 years now.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

what do you mean, your step mother is to "take care" of you? you are 32, you don't need taking care of anymore, do you?

 

I plan to have a disussion with my father to hopelfully help him understand that he needs to make the decisions related to me in his death not anyone else.

 

I don't understand.... elaborate?

[coollady1957]

I am a little confused as well about the " take care of me" part. If there is anything that you father wishes to be done for you or given to you at his death then it should be in the form of a Will, stating whom is to get what at his death.

[annie24]

oh, I agree, his wishes should be in writing.

 

I have had really bad family troubles surrounding wills and them being changed in the final days of life. it's really awful. people get greedy when someone dies in the family.

 

just have your dad write everything down, and then focus on your last few days together...

[nbkokp6]

Thanks to all for your responses. My father has a will. I have never seen it. He has an oral agreement with his wife that she will "take care of me" in his death. For those seekeing clarity on that statement I am sure you all know that terms of a will are not about someone being in need of support but making sure that the belongings (tangible and monetary) are distributed to people they designate. He has an insurance policy for more than $1MM dollars. Being his only biological child I do expect to receive some of the settlement and choice belongings. I am not seeking judgement but solutions. Thank you all.

[annie24]

I think you should ask to see a copy of the will.

 

is she the "executor" of the will?

 

i have been in a similar situation, and finally things got resolved once I hired a lawyer to enforce the will.

[coollady1957]

I am still lost on the part about " take care of you". Does that mean that everything is possibly going to be left to her, and that he has an oral agreement with her to give certain things , or money to you at his death?

 

Even is she is the chosen executrix of the estate, if there is anything designated to you in the will, then she must give it to you. Sometimes a spouse will leave everything to the surviving spouse and to no one else and sometimes assumes that the person will share with other members of the family through a prior oral agreement. Many times that ONE person that everything is left to , will NOT "take care of" as you have put it ,or share just based on an oral understanding.

 

If your dad and his wife only have an oral agreement, then I am not sure how that will hold up once he is gone.

 

IF there is anything specific that you want of your dads, then if it is not specifically spelled out in the will then I am not sure she can be forced to give you anything unless she choses to. If there is a life insurance policy he would have to have you listed as one of the beneficiaries for you to receive any of the money directly. Otherwise if the wife is the only beneficiary then she may or may not chose to share a portion of it with you.

 

Are you and your father close? Can you ask him to see a copy of the will or at least ask him specifics on what he intends to do with certain things ?

 

Does your father know that you and his wife only tolerate each other for his sake ? If she doesn't like you for some reason I wouldn't be so sure that she will follow through with any oral agreement she has with your father.

 

I am just throwing some thoughts out there, and not sure that it actually answers any question or concerns that you have.

[nbkokp6]

Thank you to everyone that responded to my question and concerns. I spoke with my father tonight and things went much better than I anticipated. He agreed to sit down with me so that we can discuss and exchange necessary documentation of terms in each others death. He also shared that he had reconsidered his original oral agreement with his wife to "take care of me" and will make the necessary adjustments to his policy and will to ensure that he makes all critical decisions.

Even though I dont know any of you personally, I have a huge respect for people who care enough to help a stranger solve a personal problem. I thank you all and hope that I can return the favor of advice in the future.

[annie24]

hey, no problem

 

just make sure that whatever his wishes are, that they are written down and made legal. consult an estate lawyer. it would be a shame for you and your step-mother to have a huge war when he is gone.

 

good luck, I hope things go as best as possible.