Should I expect her to make a decision?

[ILovePasta]

Hello,

 

Here is the background on my situation:

 

 

 

Things seem to be going pretty good and indications SEEM to be going in a positive direction, however I do get confused at times.

 

It has been two weeks since our breakup, our initial talks of giving it a second chance and the subsequent attempt at it.

 

We see each other almost daily. She has noticed a change in my attitude (granted it has only been two weeks) and my question is this:

 

I've asked her the other day, "do you want to give it a second go?" and she responded "I don't know". She says that I still need to prove to her tha I have infact turned from my neglectful ways.

 

My problem is that it is frustrating. She can be very loving one day, and very cold the next...especially when I am around her friends. My feeling is that, they knew I wasn't treating her right and by showing any feeling towards me would upset them or dissappoint them...which I understand.

 

Has enough time passed that she should be giving me a second chance if that is her intention? Or am I expecting things to soon? Naturally, I don't expect her to jump right back in to how things were before...I dont expect her to move back in with me. I'd only ask to be given the chance to continue to show her that I've learned from my mistakes, as her boyfriend. I have told her this and how I feel and her response was "I don't know, I'm confused".

 

In summary...

 

Is it too soon to expect what I do?

 

Am I a victim of being a backup plan to a bad day?

 

Thanks,

ILP

[Lealing]

I think that it is too soon (after two weeks) for you to be asking your ex whether you can get back together again. I think that you should be giving her some space. She knows that you want to get back together again so it's no use repeating this to her. It will just make you sound clingy and needy. She'll let you know whether she wants to get back with you when she's ready.

[ILovePasta]

I guess the thing is that it is her asking to see me and wanting me to stay over etc...

 

We are affectionate and what not. I guess it is almost like we are together, so I just wonder why not agree to 'make it official', or sort of speak.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One of the things I have noticed from reading these boards (and from seeing similar behaviour from people I know), is that when one person in a relationship finally acknowledges that they had not treated their ex very well and wants to get back together and prove they have changed, they so desperately want to prove it that they think it should be done according to their time frame. Yet, in the end, that is more of the same kind of behaviour that drove the other person away in the first place....the need to always control the pace and dynamics of the relationship. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. It took a long time for a relationship to crash so why should it take no time at all to re-build. The injured party needs to set the pace because re-gaining trust is a process and can't be done immediately because the other person says they have changed. I knew someone who routinely treated her boyfriend like crap. One day he blurted out that he didn't trust her anymore. She was shocked and upset. After some reflection she understood why and said that she would change her ways. For a few days she was no longer hostile to him and was as sweet as pie. However, she couldn't understand that since she had made those changes, why couldn't he bring himself to trust her again (even though it had only been a few days of good behaviour). Well, she got fed up and within a week she was up to her old tricks again. Change has to be permanent and you can only tell that over time.

[ILovePasta]

It seems though, especially from reading these forums, that when an ex doesn't want to get back together, it is due to another person involved; whether immediate or potential. Generally, the person wanting to get back together is religated to a safety net role and that is unsettling.

 

Speaking from the perspective of a person trying to get his ex back, the range of emotion and the thoughts that run through my head are very unsettling. Whether the reason and logic make sense, these emotions are VERY difficult to deal with. The quickest and most assuring answers never seem to come, and we push and push for them. Is that really unfair of us to do so though?

 

In my case for example, my ex endured many months of neglect from me. She would bring it up, and I would ignore them. She met another person and finally ended our relationship. We have talked, and she is in the process of deciding whether or not to give it a second go. The other person, as in most cases, is obviously a rebound, and in light of our attempt at fixing things, I do think he is on the backburner (perhaps not even in the kitchen anymore). I could be dead wrong about this, but at this point, that is my gut feeling. Then again, after reading some similar posts on here, Im not so sure. Maybe it's someone else, or rather the potential of someone else, and Im just here if he or another potential doesn't come along.

 

Either way, she is still unwilling to give a definite decision one way or another as to try again with me. I do understand the advice, and that perhaps 2 weeks is too short of a time. On the otherhand, I can't seem to shake the uncertainty of why. My belief is that, it is not something that requires many days of comtemplating. Either you have faith that a person can change and are willing to go through the ups and downs to see, or you don't. All of life is a risk. We assume those risks in any choice that we make....nothing is ever garunteed. The reasons for NOT doing so are what I indicated in the third paragraph.

 

If you don't agree, then please tell me why?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My belief is that, it is not something that requires many days of comtemplating.

 

Ah, but that is YOUR belief. But she was the injured party so she needs more time to figure this out. When someone violates your trust, it is a big decision whether or not to put your heart on the line again. You need to be patient and in the meantime carrry on with your life. She was patient with you during all of the neglect and put up with a lot until she finally snapped. Loving someone means giving them some time to sort through their emotions, and two weeks is certainly not long enough to overcome the pain she has endured. She moved on to someone else because you were emotionally unavailable to her for a long time. Sometimes our actions come with consequences. You need to put yourself in her shoes for a while.

 

Not all cases does it boil down to someone else being in the picture. Sometimes the relationship caused too much angst and there was a breakup even though both parties loved each other.

[ILovePasta]

Just a lil update on how things are going.....

 

We still see each other often, but now it has moved to us being more physical as well. Kissing and intimacy, though she refuses to have sex, claiming that she will not until we are oficially back together (remember that she ended it with me).

 

I guess the only thing that has changed during our breakup has been me. Our main problem was that I neglected her and took the things that she did for me for granted. Since, I've tried to show her otherwise and that I am capable of being the guy I was in the beginging (lol, what a cliche). However, the frustration from my part is that I feel I give her the attention she so desperately wanted, but now it is almost as if the roles are reversed and she is the one who takes it for granted.

 

She is contantly texting people on her phone, and my biggest problem is that I wonder how often she is texting the guy that she started 'hanging out' with after we broke up. She claims she rarely texts him now that we are trying to work things out, but just the other day I was helping her with ringtones for her cell phone, and just as I transferred a tone, low and behold, a text message from him. I kinda smirked and gave her the phone. She knew it bothered me, but texted him back right then and there.

 

I've been reading these forums alot, and talking to different people about what is the best thing to do. Alot of people are in the general consensus that she is angry about the past 2.5 yrs of neglect, but still loves me very much and truly does want to get back together with me. Some feel she is playing a game and I am either a safety net till something better comes along, or she is keeping that other guy as a safety net should things not pan out between her and I. Either way, it has been quite an experience.

 

Some say that NC is the best thing to do at the moment.

 

Some say that I need to stick this out and ride the wave of emotion because this is just her time to let me know how much she was hurt.

 

The best advice I've heard, and maybe others will give feedback on this, is to let her make a decision, not based on what I prove to her now, but rather how she percieves me as a person. Spend time apart, with little talking and no seeing each other....force her to really contemplate things. Make her ask herself, is this guy genuinely a good person and do I have the faith in him that he will really change? Do I even really want to be in a commited relationship with him?

 

The idea is that, for me to have to make ammends under these circumstances is just not a fair shot. All the thoughts mentioned above, and more, keep running through my head and it makes it hard for me to be me. Being stuck in relationship limbo is one of the worst places to be.

 

Is this selfish of me to ask this of her?