Attracting the Kinda Guy I Like, When Im Attractive but Shy Inside

[meant_to_love]

Im a 19 year old girl. I use to be like 100% shy in high school and now Im about 50% shy and 50% outgoing and in my second year of college. (I lost a lot of weight these last few years and also gained more friends/social experience through working at jobs) I guess I have a really attractive and cute face. Im short and I look a couple years younger than I am. I get hit on a lot by guys(not the kind i care for), and it really annoys me. Im also a very friendly girl to everyone which way be a problem cause guys think maybe I like them back when Im just being my nice myself. When I get all quiet sometimes they think there is something wrong or maybe Im stuck up who knows, and they dont understand thats just the introverted person coming out who Ive been most of my life. The kind of guys I like dont ever approach me. I like the cute, quiet, mysterious, sensitive and intellectual guys kinda like my former self. I also like younger guys and it hard to find any that arent immature. Ive only had one boyfriend he was 16 when i was 18.. and I thought he was wonderful even though he convinced me had personal problems and left the relationship just as I thought it was going good and it left me deeply sad and hurt. ...But I even had to first ask him out back then.

I use to not have any guy friends which is kinda weird.. but now I have quite a few.. I just dont find myself stirred by any of them.

 

I guess Im wondering how I get the kind of guy I like to approach me? Will they? Or do you think I intimidate them? Or am I doomed to be asking them out even though its hard when Im still kinda shy.

[Stinkweed]

Just be direct... Shy guys like to look for "signals"... Believe me I would know (it is a stupid practice I am trying my best to avoid). Know what I mean? So if you're direct, well... What more obvious "signal" can you get that a girl likes you than her asking you out? Don't think of it as being "doomed". It SHOULD be perfectly normal for girls to ask guys out, in my opinion. That way you'll get a more definite answer from the guy, as well, than if you keep waiting and hoping and looking for signs. You'll be able to move on and ask another guy out, and there will be no waste of time. Chances are you're going to get positive responses, even if not always. Best wishes and good luck.

[meant_to_love]

Thanks.. Stinkweed! lol : )

[Stinkweed]

No problemo

[Batya33]

What I've seen work many times for people in your age range is to get involved - either back stage or front stage - with community theater. Something about working on a play together (and if you're shy, you can do backstage - costume design, lighting, set construction, etc) seems to bond people both friendships and romantically in a low-key but really fun setting where the focus is not on finding a mate. If not theater then find something similar where you're working on a fun project and the project, not socializing, is the main focus.

 

Good luck!

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Quite honestly, you'll be making his day and could end up with a winner. If a girl approaches me, I'm grinning all day. If a stunning girl approaches me, you couldn't wipe that smile off my face with a scud missle.

 

I hate it that the guys have to ask the girls out. If you like someone, let it be known. They may like you too and then what are you stuck with: happiness and bliss. Me lika bliss. Me lika bliss alot.

[atraceofblood]

Just be direct... Shy guys like to look for "signals"... Believe me I would know (it is a stupid practice I am trying my best to avoid). Know what I mean? So if you're direct, well... What more obvious "signal" can you get that a girl likes you than her asking you out? Don't think of it as being "doomed". It SHOULD be perfectly normal for girls to ask guys out, in my opinion. That way you'll get a more definite answer from the guy, as well, than if you keep waiting and hoping and looking for signs. You'll be able to move on and ask another guy out, and there will be no waste of time. Chances are you're going to get positive responses, even if not always. Best wishes and good luck.

 

I agree and well said!

[Batya33]

Quite honestly, you'll be making his day and could end up with a winner. If a girl approaches me, I'm grinning all day. If a stunning girl approaches me, you couldn't wipe that smile off my face with a scud missle.

 

I hate it that the guys have to ask the girls out. If you like someone, let it be known. They may like you too and then what are you stuck with: happiness and bliss. Me lika bliss. Me lika bliss alot.

 

If a girl is very friendly and approachable - lets you know she likes you - you know she is interested- then you will ask her out if you are interested too, right? She doesn't have to be the one to actually ask you out on a date for you to know she's interested, right?

 

I understand that a woman makes your day by asking you out. How many of these women have you gone out with long term? How many of your friends are in long term happy relationships where the women did most of the asking out on each date for the first month or more (i.e. the woman not only asked the man out for the first time but for most of the subsequent dates in the next month or two?).

 

For what it's worth - I have asked out several guys and it's not easy and not that hard either. I've flattered most of those guys, ended up going on a date or two with most of them. None of them turned into real relationships. Not sure if that shows anything, but did want to share.

[Stinkweed]

How many of these women have you gone out with long term? How many of your friends are in long term happy relationships where the women did most of the asking out on each date for the first month or more (i.e. the woman not only asked the man out for the first time but for most of the subsequent dates in the next month or two?).

 

For what it's worth - I have asked out several guys and it's not easy and not that hard either. I've flattered most of those guys, ended up going on a date or two with most of them. None of them turned into real relationships. Not sure if that shows anything, but did want to share.

 

That might be true, but then again, compare the number of times a girl asks guys out in her life to the number of times she, herself, gets asked out by guys... I doubt those numbers are even close to similar at least in the vast majority of cases (and yes, I'm talking about the latter being much more numerous than the former ^). Only a few of those guys who ask you out turn into significant relationships as well. It's just that the number might seem greater because the total number of times they asked you out instead of you asking them out is much greater. Now I'm going in circles, but I hope it makes sense... I dunno, it's what I think.

[Batya33]

That might be true, but then again, compare the number of times a girl asks guys out in her life to the number of times she, herself, gets asked out by guys... I doubt those numbers are even close to similar at least in the vast majority of cases (and yes, I'm talking about the latter being much more numerous than the former ^). Only a few of those guys who ask you out turn into significant relationships as well. It's just that the number might seem greater because the total number of times they asked you out instead of you asking them out is much greater. Now I'm going in circles, but I hope it makes sense... I dunno, it's what I think.

 

All I know from my own experience and that of the hundreds of women I have met and spoken to about this (ages 20s to 40s mostly) is that I know of no happy long term healthy relationships where the woman did most of the asking out on dates and planning for dates, and calling in the first month or so of the relationship. Now, of course, that might be because no one wants to change the way things are currently done, but unless a person wants to be a crusader and work to change the way it is, I would say that on the whole it is ineffective for a woman interested in a man for a long term relationship to do most of the asking out on dates in the beginning stages (before they are dating steadily/exclusively).

 

Typically, a man who is interested, emotionally available and emotionally stable will ask a woman out first even if he is shy. I think it's fine for women to ask men out - I am talking more of a woman who does most of the asking for the first month - bu typically those do not turn into happy long term relationships.

 

You are correct - I have been asked out far more than I have done the asking - but my reason for not asking is not because I am afraid of rejection or don't want to put in the effort but because it is ineffective unless I am looking for a fling (which I never am).

 

I also know of many men who are flattered to be asked out but for whatever reason choose the woman who they initiate the dates with in the beginning to be with on a long term basis. Often I hear the stories of "how we met" and it is with pride that the men describe the initial way they courted the woman - true, sometimes it is with a tinge of "ugh I had to do all that work" but it is mostly pride. On the other hand, women must put in the effort to show sincere interest and to be friendly and approachable to make the asking part easier for the man.

Perhaps someday things will change.

[Markers]

"I am talking more of a woman who does most of the asking for the first month". Nobody suggested that woman should do most of the asking out, the point was that women could ask a guy out immediately they feel interested, and not wait and tell themselves "nah, I'll wait for the guy to make the move because he should". Whoever feels interested, should act immediately - even girls.

[Batya33]

"I am talking more of a woman who does most of the asking for the first month". Nobody suggested that woman should do most of the asking out, the point was that women could ask a guy out immediately they feel interested, and not wait and tell themselves "nah, I'll wait for the guy to make the move because he should". Whoever feels interested, should act immediately - even girls.

 

I respect your opinion. The majority of the time, when a man is single, truly interested in a woman and emotionally available and stable he will do the asking. Most of the time, if the woman does the asking it is ineffective because the man is not that interested. Part of the time I have found that men, initially interested in the woman or at least considering it, are turned off by the woman initiating a date. You are correct that it "should" be the way you described. I have found that it is not the way you described and thereforeeee advising women to do the asking is not the best advice I find.

[Stinkweed]

The majority of the time, when a man is single, truly interested in a woman and emotionally available and stable he will do the asking.

 

 

But how is the guy supposed to guess? I mean, I consider myself decent-looking, yet that's not nearly all it takes for a girl to like me. I get rejected a lot, even by girls I THOUGHT were interested in me(and was pretty sure they did, but I guess I was really wrong then). lol. So, it's just a matter of trying and trying till it works. And I'm gonna stop trying to look at signs, cause all it's done to me is waste my time. I mean, let's be frank here: It's much much more rare for a girl to be interested in a guy before the guy is interested in the girl. Reason being, the majority of guys are more visual-oriented, probably. I don't really know the reason, ok? It's just what I've observed over the years. And you don't hear girls talking about guys unless they look like Brad Pitt when he was younger (first example that came to my mind... You fill in the blank if I'm wrong). As for the rest: girls like more qualities that are not visible at first sight (but they might be move visible on a first date as they get to know each other).

 

Ideally it shouldn't matter who makes the initiative. BUT, as the original poster said: She keeps getting asked out by the guys she doesn't like, who presumably don't have a hard time asking a girl out and they do all the asking out and get on more dates than the shy guys, BUT it is mostly because they try A LOT more, so chances of them getting a date are logically greater, because the more you shoot at a target, the more chances you'll have of hitting it in the center. The shy guy, in turn will keep looking for signs and wasting time. It'll take a lot longer for the shy guy to hit the target, cause he tries a lot less often. There's no magical force that says "Shy guy asks the right girl and they live happily ever after". It's still as much a matter of hit or miss as it is with the regular guy, who will miss a lot more cause he tries a lot more, but will also hit a lot more.

 

As for the first month thing: If either one of the people in the couple does ALL the asking, then it's because the other one is not genuinely interested. The way I see it: The guy might ask the girl out, but she has to call him back if she really wants to go out again. Otherwise if the guy has to be the one doing all the calling, it's cause the girl doesn't wanna really be with him... It's what I think. Same thing vice-versa. I typed this up in a hurry, so I hope it made sense... And I might be wrong then as well, lol. Best wishes.

[Batya33]

I think the woman should return all calls promptly, express appreciation for the guy putting effort into planning dates, thank him while on the date, etc - but in the first month or so of dating before it is exclusive/serious I think it works best for the guy to do most of the asking out (not all, just most).

 

In my experience with dating (25 years of it) I realize that people might misread no interest as interest, etc. but I have found that if a man is truly interested in me and available, he will ask me out on a date, in advance, that he plans. I realize that you might ask women out who say no - that you might misread signs as "interest" when they are not truly interested or that they might have been interested but changed their minds- the same has happened to me when I have asked out men and when men I thought for sure were interested didn't call for another date. Dating requires a thick skin on both sides.

 

As I mentioned, perhaps some day men and women will ask each other out on dates equal parts of the time and there won't be this sort of "structure" where the man is typically the main "pursuer" for lack of a better term - in the beginning. But for me to advise someone to buck the trend and pursue men - do most of the asking in the beginning - would be bad advice if she wanted a relationship.

 

I do not agree that if the man does most of the asking he is more interested than the woman. I let a man take that role because I find that it works best for both of us. I may be equally or more interested and thereforeeee I will return his calls promptly and make it clear that I would love to see him again, etc. (but even if I don't for some reason -- maybe I am tired that night or not feeling well and he misreads that as a sign of non-interest -- a man who is truly interested will call anyway).

[Stinkweed]

I let a man take that role because I find that it works best for both of us.

 

But why? Is there a logical reason to this? Or is it just cause it's the way you subconsciously think the "ritual" should be performed?

 

Dating requires a thick skin on both sides.

 

Yes, I have been saying this as well. Just that women shouldn't be a prize to the guy who gets his act together and asks her out the best... It should be just people dealing with people. And also, those signs I thought I saw were the typical signs all girls supposedly give off when they like someone: the giggling, and for shy girls: the acting a little nervous, and stuff, staring constantly. All those cliches. I learned that in the end it's better not to stress out and read into things, and just go ahead and ask the girl out. Many will say no, but one is bound to say yes in the entire world. So I'm sayin for the original poster who's having trouble meeting the type of guy she likes who just happens to be introverted: Her chances will be better if she makes it obvious. And what is more obvious than asking him out? If you start dropping all those little signs you might confuse him. I mean what if he misreads the signals? What if he doubts them (and lets not get into the "Then they're insecure so they're not good enough" argument... I mean, what? so guys aren't allowed to be insecure? If they are they'll die alone without having been on a single date in their life? So they're not guys anymore, then? Plus, if they're so shy, they're most likely gonna be at least a little bit insecure, at least when it comes to dating and love).

 

Anyway, I'm not saying that I'm just gonna sit on my butt and wait for a girl to ask ME out cause I know it ain't gonna happen. I'm just sayin that if a girl liked me and I didn't even know she existed, what could I do? I mean, I would ask her out if I knew, but what if I don't? Is she gonna have to throw me a spit ball from the back row for me to notice her staring and smiling? Cause I think that would do her more harm than good when it comes to her making me be friendly to her. What If I already know the girl? In high school i had plenty friends who were girls who were VERY flirty. And we played like that, jokingly flirting with each other. It didn't mean they liked me, and I know it for a fact.

 

I mean, Ok, I agree with you Batya... The way you say it should be is the way it should be... I mean, it's tradition, how it's always been done. But if she wants a certain type of guy to date her, she's gonna have to work for it. And it's gonna be a little harder than when dealing with the more extroverted types who do actually read signals and have more confidence in what they read. Just what I think... I mean, she's probably a good looking girl... She shouldn't have to settle for the type of guy she doesn't like when she could pretty easily get the type she does like to date her. And chances are that if she keeps trying she will hit the jackpot.

[Batya33]

I have been asked out by many shy and introverted men. One of them is my bf (when we first met many years ago he was extremely shy - we dated a short time then and then got back together last year after 8 years apart). I don't think it takes more work.

 

If she wants to be more obvious, she can say "there's this movie I've been dying to see" or "are you going to _____ event on campus" etc. - just let him "pull the trigger" so that he feels comfortable being "the man." Also I think it's fine to say "hey you want to grab lunch one of these days" - again, so that she lets him do most of the initiating and doesn't upset the balance.

 

I know this sounds silly - so old fashioned - but this is the way I've seen it work for even very shy men. If the man is that shy that he is literally unable to speak to anyone - men or women - then I would say that man doesn't need a bigger push, he needs to work on himself to be ready for a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship.

[Stinkweed]

If the man is that shy that he is literally unable to speak to anyone - men or women - then I would say that man doesn't need a bigger push, he needs to work on himself to be ready for a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship.

 

True, I guess. Well, the way you suggested is good. I mean, it's basically askiing out, just not 100% up front but it's basically "Hey, I'm telling you to ask me out". Either way, she can't just smile at a shy guy and expect him to guess she likes him. She's gotta do something! Best wishes.

[Batya33]

True, I guess. Well, the way you suggested is good. I mean, it's basically askiing out, just not 100% up front but it's basically "Hey, I'm telling you to ask me out". Either way, she can't just smile at a shy guy and expect him to guess she likes him. She's gotta do something! Best wishes.

 

Hmmm. I do want to emphasize that I do not think it is necessary to even go that far in most cases, even with shy men, based on my experience with shy men asking me out no matter if I gave signs or not. But, yes, it's a way for a woman to make sure in those rare cases that she is welcoming an invitation for a date.

[Stinkweed]

Hmmm. I do want to emphasize that I do not think it is necessary to even go that far in most cases, even with shy men, based on my experience with shy men asking me out no matter if I gave signs or not.

 

Well yes, it's better to just do it even if you don't think there are any signs. The more you try (even if you're not sure how good your chances are), the more chances you'll have of getting a positive response. It's what I've been trying to do recently. But yes, I mean, if a girl smiles at me and acts pleasant to be around of, it increases the chances of me asking her out. But that's ME, and probably any other guy who is socially inept (no offense if that sounded to harsh you guys) but trying his best to get better or those guys who are more extroverted. Some of us just don't wanna stay shy/introverted forever and need the practice and trial and error. For those shy guys who are not trying, but still are good people at the core, and once you get to know them they are cool and stuff, but they just don't have people skills around strangers then it might be a different story (I used to be a LOT like that, now I'm just a little... I mean not so long ago I behaved in school JUSt like I did at home, but currently I do behave a little different but still try to act amicable around strangers whenever I can); it's all I'm sayin. I guess people from both sides have to make an effort in the end either way.