absence makes the heart grow fonder?

[super_dave0001]

hmmm.... explain this... i don't see it happening for myself lol.....

[melrich]

"out of sight out of mind"

 

Who knows which way a person will react.

[annie24]

gosh.... I think that mun on here had an even better one.... went something like this:

 

"distance is like the wind, in that it fans the flames of a large fire, and extingishes the candle."

 

I guess if the love is strong, the absense can make the heart grow fonder, but if the connection isn't much there, distance will make you forget....

[melrich]

Actually I think that is brilliant.

 

"distance is like the wind, in that it fans the flames of a large fire, and extingishes the candle."

 

Yep if there is a passionate love there then absense definitely makes the heart grow fonder. If not then the Out of sight probably applies.

[super_dave0001]

there was passionate love.... maybe still is but the fact that nc is in play is just making it go away.... for me, but its hard to know wut goes through the ex's mind

[melrich]

There is no passionate love if you are broken up. People who are passionately in love do not end the relationship.

[joyce1412]

it's a good thing that NC is making the "fire" go away for you. if the relationship is over then your job is coming to accept this, and dealing with it in an emotionally healthy way.

 

there's nothing bad about moving on with your life. if she comes back, she comes back, and it's going to have nothing to do with how much you're still in love with her. she's going to decide on her own. and she may never come back, too.

 

so in both cases your best bet is continuing to get over her, because it's the best mental and emotional insurance policy you've got.

[super_dave0001]

i agree, i still get the relapses n stuff, i also wonder wut shes thinking about alot....or if she talks to her friends about missing me n such... i believe that she thinks i dont have it in me to stay away n not talk to her.... so far so good lol

 

trick is to keep the mind occupied with other things..

[sharont]

What's the situation?

[bungalo]

Hey Super Dave,

 

Try not to listen to the doom and gloom reports about breakups being the complete death of your relationship forever. True I don't know your circumstances, but I know people who have broken up and reuinted and married! The key is staying positive and not pushing things. Don't be like all the other guys who whine and whine for an explanation to soothe your damaged ego. Be strong. Show her the male strength characteristic. True it's important to be vulnerable too...but save that for when the times are more solid. Pick up a copy of "How to get your ex Back" at the bookstore by Blase Harris. This guy's got a good-non manipulative strategy for rekindlling relationships..and it is designed for men and women. Of course nothing is 100% guaranteed....but this time for me,

I am staying positive no matter what happens! Best.

[bungalo]

Ok here's a quick explanation. The dance of love. Someone persues you-you run. They keep persuing you-you run even further! SO don't run after her...in other words no contact. It's a dynamic of relationships...the dance is always going on to some degree. So let her run after you-I know it takes time and patience, and if she doesn't let a month go by-ask her out for a causual date and try to spark things s-l-o-w-ly play it cool.

[TheFallenShadow]

actually i use to believe in that, but now, well i think its a load of crap...

[joyce1412]

Try not to listen to the doom and gloom reports about breakups being the complete death of your relationship forever. True I don't know your circumstances, but I know people who have broken up and reuinted and married!

 

bungalo, it's true that some couples do reunite. however, it's the healthiest idea to ASSUME that your relationship is over forever, and work on making yourself happy in the absense of a relationship.

 

i know that, for me, hanging onto the hope of reconciliation was the worst thing i could have done. hindered my progress quite a bit.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is no passionate love if you are broken up. People who are passionately in love do not end the relationship.

 

I would have to respectfully disagree. Lots of people, for whatever reason, break up. If there is indeed passionate love, they find their way back to each other. Many couples have broken up and do get back together and get married. I have known plenty of couples who have done that. Sometimes a little time away from each other helps people see just how much they want that person in their life.

[psu11]

Many couples have broken up and do get back together and get married. I have known plenty of couples who have done that. Sometimes a little time away from each other helps people see just how much they want that person in their life.

 

haha what exactly do you consider "a little time"?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

haha what exactly do you consider "a little time"?

 

Well, that depends on the couple involved. It could be a few months or a year or whatever. Getting back together in two weeks would not be sufficient because the point of having the separation is for both parties to really reflect on what went on. Getting together too soon would be simply fear of being alone and losing something comfortable. A longer separation gives a chance for the situation to calm down and cooler, more rational heads to prevail.

[Lealing]

haha what exactly do you consider "a little time"?

 

Just spoke to a friend who I haven't heard from in a long time. She broke up with her bf 6 years ago and got back together with him last year and is now planning to get married with him next year. So some people manage to make it work but 6 years is a very long time to be apart. My friend said that she had NC with her bf for 4 years and they carried on with their lives. She dated other guys in the meantime.

[Sinead]

I would have to disagree with you Joyce, though I certainly understand why you think if you're passionately in love with someone, you shouldnt break off. Well i was passionately and crazy in love with my ex and I still am. I broke off with him however as he wasn't reliable anymore, he took me for granted, he always made excuses not to see me, i just felt when I was going out with him (and this was a good few months before we split - we were together for nearly 4 yrs) I felt I didnt have a boyfriend and he made me cry and when I was in hospital one time he didnt care. I broke off with him not because I dont love him, I'm so in love with him but there was no point in going out with someone who was showing all the signs of not wanting me.

 

I know the majority of people on the forums stress that NC is used to strengthen yourself and move on. But I honestly admit i broke off with my ex in the hope he would realise what he's missing and the infinite amount of love and support I gave him. Unfortunately he hasnt realised it so far and I know at this moment he doesnt want me.

 

But I am still passionately in love with him

[Parky]

How long have you been separated? And how long has NC been?

[Sinead]

i have been separated from him exactly nearly 11 weeks and its been a whole of NC. Though i did text him after 3 weeks and said something along the lines of "thank you for your friendship and the times we had and i wish you all the best". He texted me back the next day and said "Thank you for that text last night. I hope the best for you too."

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sinead, time frame does not really have any bearing on whether or not two people get back together. In fact, the longer the better because then the person has had a lot of time to sit and reflect about things and really miss the other person. When people get back together soon after breaking off, it is a knee jerk reaction as opposed to a well-thought out, "gee this person really is for me". True, he may never want to get back with you, but on the other hand, you just never know what can happen in the future, just because it hasn't happened yet.

[Sinead]

That's a good point Crazyaboutdogs. I have a success story from my favourite cousin. I might actually put this into one of the success story posts.

 

My cousin Tracy - she is 36 and the nicest person ever!! Anyway she met her guy when they were both about 17, they were together for 6 years until he started acting the way my ex acted towards me and she broke off with him because of it.

 

10 months later they got back and in those 10 months there was absolutely zero contact from either side and she had given up and thought that was it, it was well and truly over - he was doing a gig in a bar and she happened to be there(she didnt know about him being there). She went up talking to him and he spoke to her. He drove her home that night and they got back only days later. They're married now and have a beautiful, very perceptive 8 years old son (whom Im babysitting tomorrow night )

[Griever]

Wow Sinead those kind of stories bring joy to my heart

 

But On topic i was always wondering.

IF absense makes the heart grow fonder.

Then why does it heal ours ???

 

Ok usally we are the dumped ones but still

[DreamsCometrue]

If it's really love, then no amount of distance will tamper with that love. Yes it's hard (i just moved an hour away from my boyfriend b/c of school), but if you think you can make it through, then you will. Distance will either make or break a relationship...

[psu11]

i think exes who get back together after a period of time have a better shot at working out in the long run depending on the reasons for breaking up.

 

relationships that end due to 1. trust issues 2. different personalites and 3. different goals in life, i dont see this couples working out whether you stay apart for 2 months or 2 years.

 

relationships that end because of 1. distance 2. not sure what they want 3. timing 4. personal issues unrelated to the relationship and 5. fear of long term commitment seem to have the best chance at reconciliation.

 

i still believe NC and getting over the relationship should be your #1 priority, especially if your the dumpee...like Crazyaboutdogs said--you dont what the future holds....