Why would you want to be friends post breakup?

[sfindependent]

I really wish i can be friends with my ex, but there's no guarantees that things can get better. I keep expecting the same things she provided when we were together. but I know I wont be getting it and it drives me crazy. I have a great Great great deal of love for my ex. I cant bear to see her with other people or know that she's spending less time with me as well. the thing is, she's doing EXACTLY what we were doing when we were together, same shows, same people, same everything. some of them even with my old friends whom I've known for more than 5years.only without me. and that's what gets the better of me. I cant deal with that and she acts like its ok with her to be hanging out with them and even tells me to hangout with her and them (but not as a couple) and I simply cant.

[Mstyiyd]

I agree that every person and every situation is different, and my opinion is, if being friends with an ex works for you, than great--more power to you both.

But for me personally.....hell no. I have my circle of friends that I care about and cherish deeply. The few relationships I have had were disastrous, to say the least....and I've been cheated on or hurt emotionally each time. So I don't want my exes in my life. The last one, we were friends first, and she was the first friend I ever dated. I knew the risks going into it, and she turned out to be very cold emotionally and not even worth it as just a friend.

It pains me deeply, because I continue to dwell on the good times we had instead of how she dissed me and never called me after hanging up on me nearly 5 mos ago.

So NO.......for me......no. Can't do it. Not healthy, regardless of how much time goes by.

[g44]

ewwwwwwwwwwwwww..NJ don't tell me so? lovers come and go? u need a to get someone real good to stop that way of thinking...that's looking at it disposable style man

[Dako]

I don't agree with Dako. I think just as many friend to relationship situations turn sour as newly met to relationship. The determinate about whether it is desirable or not should not be because they were a friend before the relationship. .

 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I wrote friends before the breakup, not before the relationship.

In my view some married couples are not good friends at all.

[Relax]

It will always hurt, It's like deliberately keep pinching yourself with a hot niddle

[amb1873]

Funny because this is almost EXACTLY the situation I am in. We both like music and he's like asking me to go to shows with him and his friends! He knows I'm not over him and I just don't understand what part of him thinks this would any way be a good idea. AND we're in the same boat because he didn't have a very strong group of friends when we started dating and now still continues to hang out with a bunch of people he met through me! I don't know if he somehow thinks it will be "easier" for us if we all just hang out in a group but I feel like he's being selfish- like inviting all of our mutual friends to do things when he knows I'm not emotionally strong enough at this point. Anyway- I really am friends with every ex I have except him and I do realize it's just because I'm hurting and incredibly afraid of having to watch him move on and date someone else. It'll probably take a good year or two but I have a feeling he will be someone in my life again eventually. I just don't understand his motives at the moment.

[amb1873]

It will always hurt, It's like deliberately keep pinching yourself with a hot niddle

 

I can definitely see this point of view as well... I think I'd rather be naive and believe in my head he is at home miserable pining over me, the incredible "one who got away" then to actually see him out laughing and having a good time! My own delusional fiction is much easier on my well-being at the moment...

[sfindependent]

she calls me almost everyday on her own time, and we talk idly for a few minutes. a little awkward but it sets my clock back... we talked briefly today and now, i'm feeling miserable again. she's trying to be my friend but I can't be her friend and she knows it. why would she want to do this?

 

I told her once " i really want to be friends with you, I really do, but I want something that would eventually lead up to a relationship, that is open for that and i'll be fine with that" and she would say "what ever it is that I told you, stands. I want nothing more than friendship with you" and so I said "i dont want to be friends with you if thats all that it is, then. I just cant see you with other guys"

 

so now she's calling me and wondering why i havent called when I said I will (i told her i'll call her between 1230-2pm today and changed my mind), something she's done to me and would wonder why i havent called or would act surprised i havent bugged her all day about anything.she still hasnt given me an idea of what she wants out of it when she knows dam well i can't be friends with her and see and know about her life with other people without me.

 

women and their crazy ways. why can't i meet a normie? hehehe, no offense ladies. i'm just joking.

[jeffreyt]

Wow can I relate to this I went 6 weeks with NC and then out of the blue she contacted me and I fell for it hook, line and sinker lol, thinking she wanted back but really all that happen was she broke up with the rebound guy after we broke up and wanted me for emotional support. It was a big mistake on my part we started talking everyday and hanging out together but just as friends then I believe she went back with the rebound guy and she didn't need me anymore. We now are not talking because she broke a commitment that she made to come to my daughters birthday party and never showed up and 3 days later sends me this email saying how it slipped her mind(even though I reminded her every day up to the day of her party yeah whatever). Needless to say I don't need friends like that you don't mess with my daughters feelings. I guess it was a learning experience for me and help really see what type of person she was. So I don't think it's a good idea at all to try to be friends with ex especially right after a breakup.

[amb1873]

I told her once " i really want to be friends with you, I really do, but I want something that would eventually lead up to a relationship, that is open for that and i'll be fine with that"

 

So applicable. I JUST emailed him and told almost this exact same thing 2 days ago. Response? Nothing. I guess that's his answer! What a pansy to not even TELL me though you know? Again, who needs friends like that anyway...

[NCTuskie]

Can't do friends right now. I'm a little full in the friend department, and I can't even commit to them.

[sfindependent]

that's the thing. she's reaching out to become a friend. I keep messing it up becuase i can't deal with the emotional pain that's associated with it. I cant deal with having to keep thinking she's with someone else and with someone new.

 

I just got off the phone with her and it ended up being stalemate again.

 

she said "just call me if you want to" and I said "call me if you want to"

 

gad dang, i dont want to drive this into the ground but there's no way I can be civil with her knowing she wont spend time with me and would be hanging out with people I've particulary jealous of this weekend somewhere far to see a show.

 

I'm trying to move on but the desire to make things work for us still drives me insane.

[NJRon]

She sounds indifferent. Who wants to be with someone that is indifferent? I would rather be trying to get with someone who was mad with me... at least they care...

 

Stop hurting yourself.

[sfindependent]

she's become like that because I drove her to be that way after we broke up. i begged, pleaded and did just about everything that i shouldnt have. we dont talk about anything pleasant anymore, other than why we broke up. and if she does tell me stuff, its stuff that involves other people and what she's doing with them. Now, I dont mind it in particular if i get to go out with her once in a while, but i'm looking for something more from her. I dont know how to puit it into words anymore.

 

I called her again today, a few minutes after arguing with her. I told her earlier I'd call her at 8pm tonight, but then when i called her again at around 430pm and I told her, "listen, i wont call you tonight unless i feel that i can carry on a good conversation with you and not be dramatic and argumentative. i want to talk to you when I can be pleasant. I dont want to make u unhappy anymore and by talking to you and arguing with you like this makes you unhappy" She said, "just do what you need to do" and I said "there are things I WANT to be able to do, but in order for me to be able to do those things, i must do what I NEED to do" and she agreed.

 

did i say the right thing? we both mean a lot to each other and I know that. she said to me today that she can never be as close to anyone as she was to me (not in a flirty way, but more in a regular way).

 

i want to be as pleasant as i can towards her. it seems my emotions keep getting in the way, since she's doing lot of things that I'm particulary not happy with. they're not the wrong things to do, but then again I AM the ex boyfriend. so, naturally, there wouldnt be things i would be particulary happy with unless she's doing it with me. u know what i mean?

[Silentlyfor]

I couldn't be friends with my ex either despite the fact that she strongly, STRONGLY wanted some connection with myself. I thought the notion was selfish and unkind on her part just after she said "It wouldn't work". I couldn't and I wouldn't for anybody I've dated for... hell, as much as a week into any given relationship.

[andsherose]

I feel a thousands times more unhapppy when we are not talking because we were such great friends before we got involved and throughout the messiness of our relationship we still had this amazing friendship. We know so much about each other and although I think it is important to have a seperation period after the breakup, I think it is possible to maintain a friendship especially when that was really strong in the beginning. Of course, I may be completely fooling myself because it has only been 2 weeks since I told him I needed him to not call me anymore and I am having constant seperation anxiety and I miss his friendship all the time. At this point, I don't know what is best.