i know you guys aren't mndreaders but...

[bighair]

Hi All:

 

Well, a few days ago I told you all about this guy I met on line. We live 100 miles apart, we chatted (phone, email, IM) for about 6 weeks, we had a date scheduled, he bailed due to distance, he changed his mind, we resumed contact, came time for a 2nd date, and then he cancelled again saying he had a family commitment that he forgot about. He said he'd be in touch to reschedule.

 

Well, that was 2 weeks ago. I haven't heard from him. I see him on line on msgr., and I know he's still on Match. I mistakenly sent him an IM (too long to get into here) and he wrote back write away and I quickly signed off. I knew he looked at my profile.

 

I believe that he he had a date the 2nd time he cancelled on me..a date closer to home.

 

Now, I was deleting match email and I noticed that his profile is hidden.

It's weird I know..but I grew to like this guy, and I thought he liked me. And, I haven't reached out to him but for that IM screw up. So now that his bloody profile is hidden, I wonder if he did meet someone else, and has taken himself off the market.

 

I know this is all guess work and speculation. But, it sucks that he didn't eve want to meet me because he was put off by the distance. I'm also angry that he didn't call me back even to say that he wasn't interested in going forward anymore.

 

This is the drawback of on line dating. You can be anyone you want to be on line, and on the phone. He seemed really into me. I don't know what I"m saying now. I"m definitely rambling.

 

Any thoughts are appreciated.

[annie24]

hey - don't get down on yourself. you never really knew him, and he didn't sound so great (ie, cancelling twice!!)

 

it does serve as a painful reminder not to get feelings for anyone before you meet them in person....

 

good luck

[bighair]

Hi Annie: Yes, I learned a big lesson here...not to invest too much time in the prior to first date chatting. It's a mistake, really. Anyway, this guy was so retarded about scheduling a date due to his various scheduling conflicts, I continued to meet and date other men on Match. I kept the on line stuff to a minimum. Thanks for writing back.

[annie24]

you know, I have found in my experience that if a man is single and truly interested in dating, he'll ask you out within the first 4 e-mails or so. maybe 5-8 e-mails if he is long distance.

 

more than that.... and i've found that something is off..... like one guy asked me out after 10 e-mails and we met for coffee, but.... it turned out he was moving out of the country shortly. another man seemed too hung up on his ex-wife. Most recently, a few months ago, this guy and I traded 17 e-mails, one phone call, and he never got around to asking me out! It was just odd... he seemed interested but shy, i have no idea what he was waiting for! we attend the same university, so it seemed odd that he didn't suggest meeting at a campus coffee shop within the first few e-mails.... i finally just closed the match, something there seemed very wrong, even though I never figured out what it was....

 

if he hasn't suggested meeting within a few e-mails, then just forget it. there is a good reason for it, and you don't want to be part of it!

[Batya33]

This is why when I did on line dating I emailed back and forth once or twice, spoke on the phone for about 20 minutes and then made a plan to meet if we clicked. That's it. I didn't want any further interaction because I didn't want to get attached or have unrealistic expectations of a complete stranger before meeting in person and seeing if there was even potential to go further. I agree that a person should treat others with courtesy and call to cancel a date if need be or not simply disappear, but on line dating, like all dating, requires somewhat of a thick skin.

 

If you email with someone for 6 weeks you are risking getting attached to the email image of the person, which feels real and if something like this happens you get upset. If you simply focus on those who are on link removed for the purpose of meeting in person as soon as possible, then you prevent this sort of attachment prior to meeting in person.

 

Once in awhile I made exceptions and e-mailed for longer and it was in general a mistake particularly when we met in person, there was no chemistry or we otherwise didn't click, and it was much harder to say no to a second date because of the history. It's not worth it in my opinion.

[bighair]

Thanks for the messages.

 

Yeah..I was really shocked that it took so long to schedule a first date. REally, I never wanted to email for that long. He made it a point of telling me that he had never spent so much time talking on line prior to meeting.

 

Whatever. Thick skin. Yeah..that's it. I got out of a pretty intense LTR and my radar needs to recalibrated. IN any case, lesson learned.

 

Thanks again for the wisdom.

[annie24]

There is a good book out there, "The rules for online dating" by sherrie schneider and ellen fein. i think that out of all "the rules" books, this one is their best.

 

I think it has very good suggestions on writing a personal profile, and weeding out time wasters and married men. if you are new to online dating and getting back into dating after a long relationship, i'd suggest picking up this book and taking note of its suggestions....

 

good luck

[renaissancewoman101]

Online dating is a PIA, but any type of dating is a PIA. Right now, I am afraid of dating. Have done the online thing and I do agree, it is best to meet as soon as possible, just so you dont get attached to what is not really there.

 

I wish dating was a lot easier than it is.

[NubianLove]

So true, only deal with folks willing to meet up soon, guy I met is accross the country but we're still meeting up. Another thing we dont do is talk too often on the phone which is great, so u dont build up too strong of an attachment

[timlondon]

Absolutely right about the thick skin - the key thing is not to be affected when it doesn't work out.

 

Personally I can't get into dating online, especially when there are so many great people out there to meet. IMO it's best to just get out there, meet loads of people, and be your confident, funny, interesting self

[bigredvick]

That happened to me. except I was forced into a relationship (don’t ask how) and during the time that this had happened I was using the myspace to talk to this girl. well I was in Tennessee and she was in California and while I was in Tennessee this girl came over constantly and I began to have feelings for her and I soon forgot about myspace. and that is how I ended up with my girlfriend. I told the other girl though. what I'm trying to say is next time you're out just look to your right and you'll find someone.

[zer0effect]

Don't sweat it, there are plenty of fish in the sea and 100 miles is a far hike for a date. Try not to do the email/IM thing. Talk on the phone and setup a date quickly, so much can come accross in email, in person reality is different.