Is he joking or? Weighing on insecurities . . .

[ImThatGirl]

Okay - I'm trying to figure out how to word this. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months. I'm completely head over heels. Just last week and kind of now, I felt that everything was going perfectly.

 

Lately (over the weekend mostly,) he seems a little different. A little less "sweet." Lot less "smiles." Lot less "excited to visit..." He makes comments that are supposedly jokes. Ex: "Oh yeah - forgot you know it all..." "I'm gonna have to get you meds so you stop worrying so much." I asked him about the lipstick color I had on Sat because we were going to his friends and I forgot my normal color at home. He says "oh yeah we should go buy some more." I said "seriously? Okay let's stop by CVS." Then he says he was just kidding. Or calls me on the phone to remind me that "I really need to take the kids to the park and not to forget that there are clothes in the dryer."

 

I'm guessing that I'm being overly sensitive here. My past two relationships, I could never do anything good enough. I was single for a long time before I got into this relationship. I feel good about myself - know I can handle everything on my own and do it well. His little comments / jokes are making me question myself almost. It's making me feel like he thinks I'm incapable of handling what's on my plate. He says he's just extremely tired - reason for less smiles and less seeming happy. But those two combined with his comments? Blah!

 

I'm trying to have joking come backs to his comments rather than sit with a shocked look on my face. When I show shock or sadness to his comments, he says I need to take a joke. I told him this morning that it would help if he had more nice things to say rather than 70% of his words telling me things I need to do..

 

Anyone have any suggestions? Any at all? I can take constructive criticism but some things he comments about, need a full understanding before even criticizing about. I'm not really giving an explanation because I don't want to seem like I can't take constructive criticism and he says he's just joking...

 

Am I missing something here?

[southerngirl]

Well, be careful in staying with someone that allways seems to critisize. YOu deserve to be excepted for who you are not what someone wants you to become.

 

Maybe try talking to him and telling him that this bothers you.

 

t's making me feel like he thinks I'm incapable of handling what's on my plate. He says he's just extremely tired - reason for less smiles and less seeming happy. But those two combined with his comments?[/Quote]

 

Tell him how you feel if you havent already. Could be true he was just in a irritable mood because he was tired etc... but if he cares he will want to know it has hurt your feelings. Just a calm talk about how it made you feel is whats needed. You have nothing to lose. You have invested a few months with this guy, by now he knows you and either he loves you for who you are or not.

[whatchamacallit]

Wow...I'd like to know about this behavior also, cause my ex S/O was EXACTLY like this. Their rude comments seem real to us, but then they say they're "only kidding"! It's hard to tell if they really are kidding, or telling the truth. It makes you doubt yourself and it's VERY confusing!!! I'm gonna keep track of this post!

[ImThatGirl]

Whatchamacallit - I'm sorry to hear that you have the need to figure this out too. It's comforting knowing someone else understands.

 

I handle my own well. I have two children and have been single for 2+ years. How is it that under his scrutiny, I almost feel like I'm not capable of staying positive and strong. Two of the main reasons he "fell" for me. Unless I figure out how to take his "jokes," he will begin to dislike me because of my "sad" and unpositive reactions. He often comments to me "I hope you don't change - I hope things don't change."

 

I don't know how to act or feel or be myself (normally happy go lucky) when I am under a scope.

 

Southern - I believe in him; I believe we could have a beautiful future together. He's either trying to be helpful or doesn't like the way I do things. If he wants to change all the things he comments about, then he won't like me for long. I know I have room to improve but to change everything. Just like I don't expect him to change (asking him to stop joking,) I don't feel like he should want to change everything about me.

[ImThatGirl]

I'm not going to see him again until Wednesday. He made a comment about how nice that will be to finally see each other again on Wed. I responded "yeah maybe you'll miss me and be nice again..." He responded "Maybe I'll have gotten enough rest by then and feel better."

 

I have been bringing up the subject all weekend. But I don't want it to seem that I'm not thankful for the little things he does. I don't want to seem defensive or argumentative. I did tell him this morning it'd be nice if he started saying positive things more often rather than 70% unpositive things. He knows my insecurities. He knows that my last really serious ex (my daughters dad) acted like I was the most terrible, weak, lazy girl in the world. I just feel like it could be happening all over again. Unless I can figure out how to live up to the expectations....

[southerngirl]

If he was only like this for a few days maybe he was just in mood. Have you read that book 'Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus' ? (If thats how its spelled haha) There is a whole chapter about men's moodswings.

 

I know my husband sure has them. Sometimes I tease him and tell him its like he is PMSing...

 

Well I still think you should tell him if some of his comments hurt your feelings, talking about it is the only way to resolve it. If you say nothing he isnt going to realise it. In my experiance the best way is to be strait forward and honest, not hostile just upfront.

 

If he continues it over a course of weeks or months and its become a pattern, well, thats a different story all together.

[southerngirl]

Well good so you did talk to him about how your feeling. Its also possible that you have memories of how it made you feel before with your ex and that your carrying that onto the rest of your life.

 

Have to be very careful with that I know I struggle with it myself! My ex husband was very abusive emotionally and finally physically. When it turned physical I was gone not long after that. But its like there are still echo's remaining that I can remember.

 

The way it made me feel and I wonder will I allways struggle with this.

[ImThatGirl]

I agree with you completely. I did talk to him a bit this morning. And asked him to think about what I was saying. When I brought it up this weekend he said, "Oh - Well- Guess I'll just stop joking with you. I've only been joking with you." I will find a way to talk about it further. I just don't want to push him away.........

[ImThatGirl]

After thinking a little, I think I should also note that he often talks about our future and how excited he is about our future. And he has been looking for houses in the town I live in. For him to consider moving out of A-town (the town I moved from recently) and away from family, is big.

[southerngirl]

Oh yeah. Sounds like he really cares about you. For anyone to move like that is a big step.

 

For now since you have talked to him, I guess its wait and see time. Your right you dont want to talk about it too much and make a big deal out of it.

[ImThatGirl]

Any men that have a moment to respond - plllease!

 

More thinking: I think that men generally like to run things. Feeling needed and fixing things seems like instinct. Is that right or completely wrong?

 

Help - If you've ever had any experience close to this or acted the same way, please explain....

[whatchamacallit]

That girl, your guy sounds just like my guy did. I have concluded that they are very insecure people and they find that the one thing they can control...is YOU and your emotions. If he wants to move away from family and get married in a hurry, RED FLAG!!! I recently googled "contolling and manipulative behaviors". It gave me some good information on this personality trait that took me a while to figure out. This type person is deceptive and they always make it seem like "it's your fault"! And, your sitting there wondering....whaaaat???

[Batya33]

My advice is slightly different. I would change his behavior through negative reinforcement in this way. When he makes a harsh comment - and trust yourself on whether it is harsh and yes of course keep in mind if you are feeling extra-sensitive that day - have a neutral reaction and change the subject. No reaction is far better in stopping the behavior than a negative reaction (you are a mom so you know that kids would prefer to have negative attention than to be ignored).

 

I do think - and again this is so subjective (!) that after the head over heels fades a bit couples can get more critical and sometimes in a joking way. But it's so individual - what bothers me might not bother you, etc. I am one who does not like senses of humor that are all-sarcasm-all-the-time - I like some sarcasm and I don't do well with ultra-sensitive either - there is a balance there.

 

I also think that yes you should have open communication so that if something is too harsh/below the belt you should talk about it but try your best (this is hard) to be direct rather than indirect such as not saying "well maybe you'll be nicer to me" - that brings it up in sort of an indirect way rather than at the time saying "hmmm- that was a bit harsh!"

 

And- if you sense he needs space - give him twice as much as he seems to need - with no bad feelings- just back off. If he says he misses you - don't question it - that might seem insecure.

 

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm asking you to act and not be yourself -it's more like the analogy I made to motherhood (and in my case, when I work with young children) - where you do the positive and negative reinforcement.

 

I have more examples but would prefer if you contact me privately on e-mail (it's up to you - I'd like to help).

 

Good luck with all and by the way -you sound like a great mom!

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you What!

 

He had none of the signs of being an insecure controlling person. He's not insecure for sure and I don't see him as being controlling.

 

I agree that if a guy wants to move away from family and get married in a hurry, that would typically be a red flag. I moved out of town earlier this summer. He knows I really don't want to move back there so I think he's just trying to make it clear that he'd be willing to relocate.

 

Darn it! I've lost all my red flag ability. With him it's different. He's so good natured, caring, sweet, and helpful. I think more than this being a red flag and more than the possibility that he's controlling, etc., is that he is just really trying to help me because he cares about me.

 

Maybe I'm just on defense because I've never had any help or suggestions? I'm so used to doing everything on my own...... I worry that I'm just not reacting well to being in a relationship and that what he does is normal.

[ImThatGirl]

Thank you for all your suggestions Batya and for your compliment. Your suggestions of using "that was a bit harsh" sounds good. Maybe those words will make him understand a little more rather than thinking I'm being a big baby that can take a "joke."

 

Going to pm you.

[engagedkitty]

Hmm- overreacting. I make smart-assed jokes all the time. They're jokes and nothing more. Sometimes people like you take offense- usually those with a lot of insecurities. I just find myself amusing and don't care if anyone else does.

 

He may be the same and you may be insecure- and just a little paranoid. I didn't see anything overly offensive or alarming in the things that you said he says. But if it starts escalating you'll know the difference between someone with an off sense of humor or a real * * * * * * *.