should i talk to him

[ellie18]

my bf brokeup with me 2 weeks ago because we fight too much & i never tell him whats on my mind. im a really big party girl (in fact i met him on a couch when we were drunk)& hes the jeaolus type always worrying about me. he always knew how i was, how i dealt with things. i kinda keep things to myself (not everything obviously but a lot of stuff) when we broke up after 9months of this i told him everything.

 

i told him how i felt how much i love him how i want to change for him. i asked him to take me back he said no so i respected that he told me we should only be friends. i got so upset i beat myself up about it for a week because this whole thing is my fault. it was the first day of school i tried to do NC but i have a class with him so its so hard to like ignore him.. after school i felt awful seeing him & him like ignoring me. he showed up at my house when i got home from school. but it wasnt for me , he came to see my twin brother & go out with him. while my brother was getting ready to leave with him, my ex came over & hugged me & kissed me & winked then left. i was so confused because the weekend before that he was like "i dont want to give you false hope" well that what was that for ??!!

 

well the week went by really slow it hurt to see him at school everyday but he would act flirty around me. i felt like he replaced me with my twin brother (better than a girl tho !) he would hang out w him everyday. that weekend we kinda had plans to hang out but friday he never called me. saturday i was a party & he was there. i felt lonely that he didnt want me so i was drunk & wanted a lot of male attention. my ex saw me hugging a guy friend & he got angry & left. that night i was so upset & sad i hooked up with4 different guys. i felt over him kinda not really but it was something i felt i needed cuz my week sucked.

 

on sunday i didnt talk to him at all his away messege said "bad day" but i didnt talk to him at all. then at night he texted me saying, "are we done here ?" i called him he said we should talk the nextday & wanted to hang out after school. afterschool he came over & we watched tv. i hugged him i dont know why he started kissing me. we went upstairs & he kept kissing me then we had sex. he initiated everything. he left saying hed call me later. i thought evrything was fine again. he called me & said he doesnt know what he wants so he called me 2 days later & said he cannot be firends with me. i feel so confused. i feel like hes an & thats stupid. he says he loves me. he was being really mean to me last night but said he wanted to hangout today. he never called me but i thonk i was supposed to call him. should i talk to him online or leave him alone ? i love him i dont want him out of my life im scared. i dont know if he knows about the boys i hooked up with. i dont know what to do...

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

Ellie, the big thing that stuck out in this post for me was this:

 

im a really big party girl (in fact i met him on a couch when we were drunk)& hes the jeaolus type always worrying about me

he always knew how i was, how i dealt with things. i kinda keep things to myself (not everything obviously but a lot of stuff)

 

i felt lonely that he didnt want me so i was drunk & wanted a lot of male attention. my ex saw me hugging a guy friend & he got angry & left. that night i was so upset & sad i hooked up with4 different guys.

 

It sounds as though your life is a little bit out of control and you are using alcohol to cope with things you do not feel comfortable facing. I'm worried about you.

 

If I were your bf, I would have been worried about you, and when you shut down and would not talk to me, I think I would have left too.

 

Are you worried about the fact that you were drunk and hooked up with FOUR guys in one night? Do you think that might be a problem?

[tylercdurden2004]

Why is it that you need male attention?

[ellie18]

i was sad i thought i might make me feel better it just made me feel worse. well actually i just made out with one guy & like flirted with the others. i just want to talk to him. i dont know if i should talk to him or if that would make things worse

[blender]

your answers to your problems are not in the hands of a boyfriend, they are in your own heart, and until you find "happiness and self respect" for yourself, no relationship will work for you..

 

You are worthy of this self discovery and yeah at times it's painful to regret our own behavior, BUT, if you CHOOSE TO LEARN from it, then it's NOT a regret, it becomes a valuable life lesson. And then you become a more attractive, respectable, feeling good about yourself woman.

 

You know now that trying to be with guys when you are drunk is NOT a good feeling after the fact, so you're first step is to ask yourself WHY you are a "party girl"... is this something you admire in any of your friends, are you proud of being a "party girl?"

 

If not, then you have the power to change this, one day at a time, by making APPROPRIATE CHOICES for your own happiness.. do NOT drag an ex boyfriend into the mix right now, talk to him, tell him you have some "growing up to do" and you appreciate his concern and you realize he is "right" to be fearful for you and you are now going to take the steps to "heal your own life" before involving him or any other guy..

 

Can you go to an AA meeting? Find one online that is in your area, just sit in the back of the meeting and see if you "hear" something that applies to you... you might not be an alcoholic, but if you keep up this "cycle" of drinking, doing things you regret, then drinking to forget about them, then doing them again..etc, etc, etc... you will become an alcoholic and you do NOT want this to happen... you're too smart to do that to yourself...

 

You have the strength right now, because at least you have the "class and maturity" to be come to this site and be honest about what you've done and who you are becoming, so start to CHANGE IT right now, one day at a time.. don't you think you will start to "feel better" if you take these steps to a better you?

[Hope75]

Ok, I think I misunderstood when you said "hooked up" I thought you meant alot more than flirting with other guys.

 

I think, rather than focusing your attention on getting this guy back, you need to address the causes that made him leave in the first place.

 

You admit to being a party girl (does this mean drinking alot and putting yourself in dangerous situations?) and to not discussing your feelings with him and shutting him out.

 

Yes, you understand why he left, but are you working on changes to improve YOURSELF, regardless of whether or not he comes back?

 

In my experience, it's a big turn off to a guy when a girl can't handle herself around alcohol and is a frequent partier. By doing this she shows lack of respect for herself and also puts herself in risky situations, being impaired and around all these other people who are partying too.

 

Also, if you are in a healthy relationship, commiunication is key... and your bf felt like you pushed him away. Why is that? Do you have trouble opening up? Did you not trust him? How would it be different next time?

 

How old are you, BTW?

[ellie18]

im 18. i dont drink all the time i just drink with friends, everyone does it he does it too. i feel like he blows stuff out of proportion i drink socially. hes always had a problem with that tho hes just never really liked it. i always make sure hes there or i have someone to look out for me just in case too. im tiny i think thats why hes scared for me. i think we just fought over that a lot in our relationship & like i always had a hard time opening up to him because ive always been kinda bitter towards men i was molested when i was 8. he knows ive been trying to open more up to him. the day we broke up i was the most open ive ever been i told him everything. but i think its too late. i know he doesnt want to be in a relationship w me anymore & thats fine i just want him in my life. im confused by all of this i want to show him i can change but now he doesnt even want to be friends. i want to call him. i want to figure stuff out because i love him & he loves me i doesnt want to throw everything away. we see eachother all the time we have class together & hes bestfriends w my twin brother so its hard to do NC when i see him & think about him all the time

[tylercdurden2004]

I see the issue less with alcohol and more within yourself. Alcohol doesnt make someone do something it certainly can help you get up the nerve but again people dont do things under the influence if they dont want to.

 

Maybe I am reading it wrong but I am unsure as to why male attention is so important to you?

[blender]

This guy has NOTHING to do with how you feel about yourself, can you talk to a counselor at school or a therapist? You have insecurities and things you need to work on for YOURSELF before you can expect someone else to value your feelings, you need to respect yourself to not drink if it is hurtful to yourself or someone you love, no matter if EVERYONE is doing it, where are YOU inall this, who are YOU, what is YOUR choices, personal responsilbity, don't be at the mercy of "what is happening in the moment" have standards and values YOU choose to live by in ANY situation

 

, and then you will enjoy the consequences of this a whole lot more than what you are responsible for so far..

 

You were hurt and violated as a child, that is horrible and you need some therapy to work through this, acknowledge it and heal, but do NOT use it an EXCUSE to be NOT responsible for your actions/choices...

 

This guy is being caring and smart enough to remove himself from your life because he wants the BEST FOR YOU, and if losing him gives you the "wake up" call you need to getting some help for YOURSELF then be grateful that he cares enough to say to you, "I can't be around you when you choose to behave like a party girl, I don't like that it doesn't work for you or me"... that's a pretty great guy..so respect yourself enough to hear it and work on making yourself feel better, if you do this I promise he will notice.....

 

You are wonderful, caring, and you love him, so show him that you care enough about yourself, him and life to grow a bit and make some changes for yourself.. you can do it, and this will make you feel better about yourself and make you oh so more attractive...