Me, my partner and his daughters mother

[ohmygosh]

I've been with my partner for nearly 2 years. I knew from day one that he had a daughter, and I was fine with that...until I experienced what that entails-

 

Him constantly having to be in contact with his ex, "hiding our relationship in the beginning so he could see his daughter" ? And dealing with him going alone to his ex's house to pick up his daughter while I am at work- I worry sometimes about what could/may be happening.

 

Last night he called his ex to organise to pick his daughter up. Long story short they ended up in an extremely heated argument about each other, their 6 year old daughter, why she wasn't attending school and I could hear his ex yelling in the phone to him "where are you? where are you?". It ended by him throwing his phone, storming outside and crying. I offered my ears and my hugs but he wasnt interested and we have not spoken since. He came back inside and grabbed his phone then disappeared into the garage...when I found him he was on the phone to who I can only guess

 

This bothers me!!! Why are they still arguing? Why do they even use their energy on each other? Why are they calling each other names and "throwing mud" so to speak? There's obviously some unresolved issues he has...how do I comprehend all this, I don't know what to make of it.

 

I have never been told what happened between them by my partner, I only hear little bits and pieces from other people. He alwasy keeps me in the dark with issues that arise with his ex. They were together for 4 years so I suppose would have only just broken up prior to my arrival in his life.

 

Im really after some words of advice, Im trying my best to be patient, understanding and trust him but when he doesn't talk to me, and seems to be hiding on the phone - it's hard!

 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this

[melrich]

This is what you have bought into. Expect similar to continue for another 10 or so years. He has to deal with his ex. Those dealings will not always be easy. That is going to be a fact of your life.

[blender]

if you don't like the picture you see, stay out of it... I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is the truth, this man has some deep unresolved issues with his ex, and it all has nothing to do with you, but it will eventually cause you to become a part of the "memory of this hostile and unresolved" part of his life, be loving enough to tell him (when and if he contacts you) that you care for him enough to let him have time to figure out his life, because it's too disturbing for you to be in the middle of all this...can you see yourself having the self respect to do this?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hi ohmygosh,

 

i think you already know that this is not normal behavior for a man who is over his ex wife. It's apparant that he still cares for her.

 

Where that is going to go..only time can tell.

 

I think you have to ask yourself if you want to be second in line to his wife.

[ohmygosh]

Blender, I like your suggestion. I thought about this last night but held back from saying anything in the heat of the moment that may have upset him more. Thanks.

 

Healing Hands, she is an ex girlfriend, they were never married. He has never made me feel like I am second in line to her.

 

They were together for 4 years, we are going on 2 years in december and their daughter is 6 so she became pregnant soon after meeting him. Unfortunately I was told she lied to him that she was on the pill (which makes me feel ill) and he has not agreed nor dissagreed when I questioned him about it, but that's another story.

 

Thanks for everyones comments.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I don't know how you can handle it. But it's similar types of baby-mama-drama that keeps me from dating men with kids; not the kids themselves. I guess you just have to think of it as a choice, either you're willing to deal with it, or you're not.

[ohmygosh]

The worst part was hearing him scream like I've never heard before! It was horrible hearing him like that, it gave me the shivers.

 

His daughter is suffering, she told me her mum is on the computer 24/7, she watches tv all the time, she's been missing school and never gets to go out, not even to the park. Last night he said he would be the full time carer of their daughter...I didn't see that coming and I don't have a problem with that at all (I think it's a great idea), its just that he doesnt talk with me about this subject.

 

I do Love him a lot and I'll put up with as much as I can. I think if they can't talk civil, why don't they just strictly stick to the subject of picking up his daughter and him paying child support.

[DN]

It is likely that this situation could get worse if his daughter is not being looked after properly by her mother. He is going to need your support or, if you can't provide that, the absense of any sort of pressure. That may mean ending his relationship with you.

 

It is all very well for people to trivialize this situation as drama but the fact is that his child is very important to him and he is concerned for her well-being. As he should be.

 

If you can't support him as he goes through the enormous pain of not being able to be a full time father to his child and knowing she is unhappy then perhaps you should reconsider the relationship. Maybe he senses a resentment from you about his ex or his daughter and that is why he doesn't want to talk about it.

[Momene]

I agree with DN and others in that you must respect that he's a dad BUT it's a 2-way thing. Even if he hasn't lied to you, he certainly hasn't told you the whole truth either, so it's time for him to lay his cards on the table.

[blender]

the truth is in the middle of he and his wife, not just on one side... and I feel for you, I know you love him, but try to separate the "feelings" from the "facts" and the fact is, he's in an unhealthy situation, and it has NOTHING to do with you, unless you CHOOSE to be okay with it, and that's fine if you are okay with it....just be careful not to fool yourself with what is "okay" because your heart is so involved... that poor little girl... and I think it's a "red-flag" that he does not discuss his full custody of his daughter with you...you might want to be strong enough and self respecting enough to lovingly ask him what the "plan/goal here is" for him, his daughter and YOU....

 

I know you don't want to add to his burdens, but if you say it in a way of "I"m looking forward to us being there for your daughter in the future, would you like to talk about it?".. if he says NO, well then, you might want to step back look at the FACTS and remember that the way he is with his wife, is who HE is, it's not about HER... it's his choice to engage in this, and perhaps if you feel okay with it, you can suggest he sees a therapist so he can ease the strain and get some emotional tools on how to deal with all this....

 

Most importantly, take care of YOU, he can not do this for you, and it doesn't seem like he's even doing it for his daughter, whom you know he loves the best he can, and if he's responsible he would get into some kind of "therapy" for himself, his ex, and his daughter, so they can work on a way to communicate so it's best for his daughter...

 

Please, do not make the "heart indulged" mistake of putting all your energy into trying to reslove, or decode his issues, if there's not full disclosure after two years in a relationship, I don't see it being any different in the future, and YOU deserve more than this, no matter how much you love him, in this situation you will LOSE YOURSELF, and that is far too high a price to pay...

 

I hope you can gain the gift of clarity here... it's right in front of you.

 

keep coming here, let us know how you're doing....

[ohmygosh]

DN, I encourage him to get involved with his daughter as much as possible, I don't think he does enough regularly. We even argued a few weeks ago because he was spending too much time in the garage, rather than with his daughter.

 

I have no resentment towards his daughter at all, but I do resent his ex, he tells me he feels the same so I never considered it could be a problem.

 

Blender, thanks again, I'm still digesting your comments.

 

Thanks all, I'm starting to think clearer and be stronger.