If I'm so smart then why do I allow this???

[I will do this]

Hello this is the first time I have ever posted anything on the net and was curious if anyone out there can relate to my situation. I would love to hear any comment or advise.

 

I'd like to begin by saying that before I was in this relationship I was a very strong, capable, independent woman. I am a teacher and often do home visits where I work with women who are in abusive situations and can recite all the warning signs as well as the necessary steps to get out and back on their feet. I know all the resources in my community for abused women and how to access them. I am a mother of two wonderful boys (9 & 14) and have several loving friends whom I could call upon in any time of need. I know I am more fortunate than some and for that I am truly grateful. All that being said I am at this moment in the first day of ending a 7year abusive relationship.

 

My day began today with a pounding on my door and window, then a barage of horrible names and accusations. All the while I needed to get ready for work and my kids up and ready for school. (Yes I did say I know the steps to get out.) My kids day began with their mother waking them up and turning the TV up so hopefully they didn't hear all the names I was being called. I knew from last nigts visit from our local police department (very, very small town) that I was not going to get any help from them in getting him to leave. They told me that because we had a previously established relationship that their hands were tied since I had dropped the restraining order I requested in the past. They were going to ask him to leave but if he came back don't bother calling because there was nothing they could do. I am fairly sure this is illegal and tried telling the officer this to no avail. Anyway on with my dilema, the kids and I got ready to leave and I needed to make sure the coast was clear to run to the car (I hid it the night before because of the threats he was making to do damage so I couldn't go to work at all). The time came when we could sneak out one door and make a run for it while he was on the other side of the house. A wonderful way for my kids to begin their day huh!! I do know this is wrong. We have been here before countless times.

 

My problem, I'm sure you are wondering, is I have always gone back and agreed to give it "one more chance" This morning once we got into the car my 14 yr old son asked "mom I hope you don't go talk to him this time." I asked what he meant and he said " He always says mean things to you and you always talk to him and then you let him come back but he will only do it again." I know he is right and I know the damage I am allowing to happen to my children as a result of living in fear like this. I don't ever plan on going back because "I know better" and each time I truly mean it. The problem is each time I do end up going back. Even today after he called me at work while I was in the classroom they put an urgent call through and it was him begging me to help him because his truck was sitting on the side of the road out of gas, and he has always been there for me so if his truck was towed it was my fault. He thought I cared more about him than that. When I refused and hung up he only called again with the same urgent call that was put through. Now I know I cannot get calls like this while I'm working so I agreed to pick him up after work and take him to get gas if he would be civil. Obviously he agreed, I was doing what he wanted again. I'm sure you can imagine what happened when I picked him up and tried to help him get his truck off the road. The money I was going to give him for gas wasn't enough and I may as well not even helped in the first place and on and on. All of this taking place on the side of the freeway and he had taken my keys out of the ignition so I couldn't drive away. Eventually 45 minutes later I managed to talk him down and he got out and I drove off.

 

This leads me to why I'm writing and looking up resources for myself instead of someone else. Maybe if I look at this from my own perspective or ask for feedback to my own situation then it may be more meaningful. I don't plan on taking him back ever again, and I will not help him or talk to him as this doesn't work anyway. Everything is always my fault. He gambled away 1,000 of his paycheck this weekend and of course it was my fault because I wasn't there to hold onto his money for him and stop him when he was spending too much. That didnt' work either by the way because when I did hold onto his money he only called me different names and accused me of trying to steal money from him. Ok I know I'm babbling and got off target there for a minute. Anyway I am not going to let him pursuade me into taking him back, and I also know I have said that so many times in the last 3 years I can no longer count them. I know he doesn't believe me, my kids don't and most of my friends won't either. We have been down this road too many times. I don't even blame them, I am a little scared too. I know this abuse will not change, I know I have to be strong and make a clean quick break and want to with all my heart and soul. I did every other time too. I also went back every other time as well. I don't want to go back ever. I want it over, I want to move on. I have recently taken a loan to pay off all my debt that I have acrewed due to letting him have my credit cards or bank card. It was easier to just give in than to go through the hours of ranting I got if I told him no. I did get him to move out last year and we have been more off than on since then but he still has all this controll. I know he wouldn't have it unless I allowed it as well. I want to stay strong and have every intentions of doing so but sometimes when he corners me and won't let me leave till I give in... Well its just easier to give in than continue to try to reason with someone who can't see things rationally when hes in a rage. When he's happy he is a wonderful man whom I truly love with all my heart. It's all those times when he is out of his mind mad and ranting I cant't deal with.

 

So anyone out there ever been in a situation like this. I have no excuses, I know better, I know what it's doing to me and my kids, I know what I have to do to get out and stay out, I have a wonderful support group of long time friends, and I somehow end up back in the relationship and try giving him one more chance. One more chance got old about 3 chances ago...

 

Love to hear anyones feedback.

[g44]

stay strong - like u always have been

 

best wishes

[Sad_now]

Hi. I totally relate to you. I was in a two-year old abusive 'interaction' (I won't call it a relationship) with a married man 14 years my senior who lied to me about his intentions and was the most disrepsectful, hurtful, cheating, cold, narcissistic **** you could have met 95% of the time. 5% of the time he was the perfect angel and all that a girl could want in a man.

 

I woke up today with this urge to call him despite the fact that he told me yesterday that he would not 'compromise to being in a relationship with me' and it was my choice to either see him or not. He was fine with both. How hurtful. But I still allowed him to speak to me like this and have this attitude for two whole years while I KNOW if this had happened to a friend I would have told her to get out the first DAY, let alone get involved with a man like that, and would have thought her crazy to do so.

 

But when it came to me, maybe I thought I could handle it/change it? I don't know why we allow ourselves to get involved in situations we wouldn't advise others to get into. All I can say it that maybe we should just accept that things will not change, cannto change, and just move on. Basically give up hope (of salvaging this). I know that I find it hard to relinquish hope and that's why I stayed so long - hoping things will work out. After a while you realise that mere hope is never enough...

 

I am sorry to hear your story and wish you all the best and strength... XX

[Daligal83]

Can I ask why you dropped the restraining order on him?

[Aurian]

I met a wonderful man. He was everything I wanted, kind, senstive, caring, loving. I married him. After 3 years together, he decided I wasn't good enough for him anymore. He convinced me that I wasn't, and I believed him. He loved me so much once, I must have done something to cause him to hate me now.

 

He put himself up on this pedestal and looked down his nose at me. He was very manipulative and good with words. He convinced me that I was worthless and emotional and not loving enough. If I protested, he would get angry and violent. And of course, it was my fault, because I was not listening to him or "respecting" him. He broke a lot of things, threatened to hit me, and waved a knife around.

 

He proceeded to drive anyone else I was close to out of my life, either by being nasty or throwing tantrums (if I visited my parents when he was not around, he would wave a knife around and threaten to kill himself and of course it was my fault for not being loving enough). I was given an endless list of things that were wrong with me and I had over 2 dozen self-help books to fix myself.

 

Thing is... all that crap I was "fixing" only made me stronger. He made a mistake. I learned to trust myself. I learned to control my emotions. I learned to be assertive. I finally drew a line and said, enough. He crossed the line and something inside me shattered. It was this love and trust I had for him. He crossed my line and shattered it.

 

It is hard. I filed for separation two months ago. I miss what I thought I had and what I hoped to "earn" back. I miss the periods when he was nice. I miss the routines I had. However...

 

I do not miss the tantrums. I do not miss being scared of saying the wrong thing. I do not miss being called worthless, selfish, lazy or a piece of sh*t. I do not miss forced to stay in the house all the time outside of work because his demands kept me there or left me too tired to leave (The first weekend after I filed, I went to a nearby market for the first time in 3 years. I walked for 2 hours and my legs hurt for a week - that's how cooped up I had been.) I know I did the right thing because I have no regret in ending it. I just wish I had ended it sooner. I always forgave him and gave him more chances. But when I make up my mind firmly about something, I am a very stubborn person indeed. He is gone.

 

Your guy likes to blame you for things too. Nothing you do is right, because either way, its wrong. If it helps, write down what he did to hurt you and when you are feeling weak, look at it. I also found it helpful to read this site and remember why I am ending it. link removed It reminds me of a lot of reasons why I am leaving. Cut off as much contact as you can and don't let him talk to you and manipulate you. Make him talk to you through a lawyer or email if you have to. Its easier when its not face-to-face.

 

You have decided. End it now. He will never change.

[candy604]

yeah are you able to get the restraining order back on him? that's so scary, i'm really worried about you. Stay strong and keep again. You deserve someone that is loving and caring and a person who'd be a good role model for your children. Children are affected by parental abuse ( even though it may not be direct to them). I am a victim of one and it's hard.

 

Coming from a family whose like the guy you mentioned, my dad is irrational and crazy when he's in rage but sweet when he's calm. it's hard to live with and it's affecting us all.

 

Yes his abuse won't change, it's very unhealthy and you need to protect yourself and children away from this man. Don't let him sweet talk you and apologize b/c ur just telling him " its okay that i'm doing this to her, she'll bounce back." Don't give him, he's just out of his mind. Imagine if you got married, life would be hellish and depressing with that sort of man.

 

GET a restraining order put back in! or move out, MOVE out and just block him. I did see one time this lady contacted dr.phil for help b/c her bf was abusive, a big stalker, and a cheater. Dr.phil advice was for him to leaveher alone ( stop bothering hte family) and get help.

 

You have to realize, this man does not love you. He needs help, but he must leave you alone.

Remember your not married, you can and have the will to end the relationship. Don't let your life slip away with living in fear and putting your children in danger. They will be affected emotionally and possibly could copy a bad behavior they see when they grow up ( even though they don't want it).

 

Be strong, move out or lock ur door, get a restraining order put back in. Make some new guy friends or something!

 

Name-calling, he's trying to get control over you and getting you to submit to him. It's wrong and no one in the world deserves to put up with crap like that.

[g44]

when children get effected that is horrible. i hope they are ok. and get all the love they need. and they look to the parent as role models. got to it right because its their future. that's what a parent is supposed to do.

[g44]

adults can put up with a lot of nonsense but when it comes to children...no deal. gotta take care of them. totally agree. i think this person needs some anger management courses and few other sessions on the old couch.

[g44]

because u loved him and stayed as long as u could. instead of beating yourself up for staying so long, think about how courageous you are that u did. that's a huge show of strength and trust in the other person. u did yer best. nothing to be sad about.

[sonjam]

The only way you are going to get away with it this time, and not go back like the coutless times before, is to simply IGNORE HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. He get's to you because he is persistent, and he knows how to push your buttons until you give in. He's done it too many times before to not know how.

 

Ive been in the same situation as you, but mine lasted 2 years, and coutless others have the same horrifying tale to tell.

 

You have to set your resolve, decide IT'S OVER, and make sure everybody around you knows it. Tell the school office to screen your calls, and to block him, no matter how urgent it is!!! Tell your friends and family (even if you think they won't believe you) and ask for their help. It will only force you too, to try and stay away from him in your moments of weakness. Rather call one of them, than calling or answering a call from him.

 

DON'T get into arguments about anything with him, he always wins because you always give in. Simply ignore his calls, his texts and mails. Ignore his banging on the door. - call the cops, even if you have to call them 7 x 7 times. They WILL eventually realise you and your kids are in danger. By simply IGNORING him you are giving him NO CONTROL and eventually you will break free of his hold on you. DON'T EVEN REPLY TO HIS requests with a NO, SIMPLY DON'T REPLY.

 

Believe me when I tell you this, it's the only way. Get somebody, a friend to come and stay with you on some nights of the week, to be safer.

 

And I feel very sorry for you kids, the way they think a relationship between a man and a woman should be is very warped by all this, and it's not something you should every put yourself or them through!!

 

PLEASE STAY STRONG AND GET OUT!!

 

Pm me any time if you need help or somebody to talk to!

[I will do this]

Because I was charmed by the sweet talk and the promise to go to counceling together. The counciling worked for awhile and then everything went back to the way it had been before.

[candy604]

sigh...well now you know, if it doesn't work then call it quits, can't live in fear and it's hurting you. Don't let him sweet talk you b/c u'll just be wasting another few years hoping things will change when you know they won't.

 

Don't take anymore promises and such, you can find a man that will treat you well. yeah it's one big cycle. Bottom line is he doesnt' respect or love you. Irrational people in rage are terrible ( living with my dad, i know, my mom would have divorced him long ago, but she has no financial earning power). We children want to move out soon.

[Daligal83]

Can you get the restraining order reinstated? Since the police said they can't do anything without it, maybe that'd be the next big step. Also, maybe you should find a women's shelter where you can talk to a counselor. They've helped many women through this kind of situation and would be able to help keep you and your children safe. If you would like help finding one, please let me know.

[deblez]

Hi,

When I was a child I witnessed the abuse of my father towards my mother. My father hit, kicked pushed, cursed etc. We (my sister and I) would always be in the middle trying to stop him. We took on the responsibility of making sure the house was clean, dinner cooked so that my father would not get angry. What you don't realize is my mother's non action (leaving my dad) builds resentment because we felt as kids that my mother was selfish. Choosing to be with this man instead of making sure that her children were safe and happy. It was hell and the damage is done. I am now 38 years old. I'm not close with either parents. My father eventually left my mother for another woman. So, learn from my story. Save yourself and your children. You don't want your son to think it's ok to abuse women. Stay strong

debbie

[Beyondthesea]

Don't go back babe, I did the same thing. I was with a very abusive man for 7 years and it was HELL getting away from him but you know what? It was MUCH worse living that way.

 

The most important thing you must do: Do NOT see him, talk to him, etc. Have your phone number changed, tell the people at your work you are not taking any calls from any males (talk to your boss and explain the situation truthfully).

 

Each time he contacts you is another chance to manipulate you which he is clearly doing. Running out of gas? Please. Obviously he had planned this out.

 

He will do everything he possibly can trying to reach you. I know it's mentally and physically exhausting, I've been there. But the point is, within a month or so, he will have completely given up and moved on to the next victim.

 

link removed

 

go to 'articles' then read "Identifying losers in relationships." Gives good advice on how to get rid of the loser.

 

DO NOT GO BACK. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

[sonjam]

I will do this, I worry about you, are you ok? Stay strong girl, you will get through this!