How do I control the anger?

[timlondon]

It's almost 2 months since I split up with my girlfriend, and I've been making a concerted effort to throw myself into life, and actually have had a great time and made some positive changes. All this time I've mostly managed to keep NC going, but we have had to speak occasionally to sort out our shared flat, and generally to try to disentangle our lives that have been spent together the past 9 years.

 

But when she called me today, I just couldn't help myself – I was just really angry and started having a go at her, even though she hasn't done anything particularly bad (except leave, of course…). It was a really odd feeling as all this really negative emotion just bubbled up seemingly from nowhere... and was made worse when she said she didn't understand why I was getting angry because all our friends had told her how well I'm doing. I knew I was doing it, and knew it was neither fair nor helping me, but just couldn't help myself.

 

So the problem is that I am clearly finding this pretty hard – harder than I'm letting on – and while I am doing very well on the surface there seems to be a dark undercurrent of bitterness inside me that I really don't want to be there. Our friends are all mutual so there's not really any possibility of just avoiding her, and nor do I want to be seen to be anything other than really happy and in control. I guess it's natural to feel angry at someone who leaves you, but how can I deal with it and maintain control?

[chai714]

It is very normal to go through the anger stage. Being rejected by someone you love dearly is the ultimate form of rejection and while you may be initially shocked and hurt, anger is likely not far down the road.

 

You can control your anger though by doing a couple of things. One way I found to be effective was to get your thoughts out either by talking with friends, writing in a journal, or both. This way you're not keeping your emotions bottled up or suppressed. Instead, you're getting an emotional release so that you will be able to better manage your anger.

 

Another higly effective way to manage anger is to physically take it out - in the gym, that is. Some of my best workouts ever in my life have been emotional ones. And best of all, you benefit in more than one way. The first benefit is that you get some of that bottled up negative energy and convert it into positive energy. The second benefit is the health benefits you're getting. And, I doubt you'll be complaining about looking and feeling better.

 

So, these two methods are something worth considering. Good luck.

[JoeWho]

I wish I was angry, anger can be easily channeled into something positive like the gym or motivation torwards ones career. Use the anger. Like you I was with her for 9 years and I havent got angry yet, but I would welcome the anger to takeover the saddness.

[amb1873]

I had an explosive outbreak like this with my ex a couple of months back- about a month after he ended it. I felt like I couldn't control it either, I just wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt me and said things that, although true, were just intended to hit him where he was weakest and hurt him the most. Unfortunately, it worked. We also share a large group of common friends and he told them all the things I said to him and has since gained a lot of loyalty from them. It's very hard but I guess I just have faith that my true friends will know that the anger came from sadness...

 

I will tell you that my anger subsided when I didn't talk to him. I made the mistake of having a "casual one nighter" with him this past Friday though, which was of course no where NEAR casual, and now I am feeling a lot of those anger issues rise up again. My only advice is to try to separate yourself from her as much as possible. Again, hard to do when you share friends. Time and space will numb all emotions...

[shamus]

if you cant hit the gym or it is late at night when you go through a bout of anger and you need a release

hit a pillow, punch it beat the crap out of it...let the emotion out.

post here to vent

write a journal

yell scream(if you live alone)

burn all letters, pictures, delete emails, texts, etc. (very therapuetic)

 

some of my examples may be extreme, but when we are hurting, having a physical outlet(like i said if at night and you cant get to the gym) such as punching the pillow, crying, or yelling can be a great emotional and physical release.

[timlondon]

Gheers guys, your support is a real help. I'm doing quite a lot of running at the moment - training for a 10k in a couple of weeks - but perhaps it's not quite aggressive enough. Glad to hear that it's not just guys who go through the anger phase though!

 

I'm actually supposed to be meeting up with her for lunch today, though I think I'll just call it off. God this is annoying.

 

I must admit to being pretty sceptical when I first visited these boards, but it has been a fantastic way to assess my situation and gain advice from people who have been there and come out smiling the other side. What a great resource!