It's over

[itsallgrand]

I broke up with my boyfriend. Doesn't even feel correct to say that. It was rather mutual. It's just that I was the one to say it out loud.

 

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. That is strange to me.

 

It's still sinking in. Today has been a real knee dropping day.

I woke up remembering he is no longer a part of my life. Dreamt of him last night. Scenes of us, of him. It was a beautiful dream too.

Also, I had to say good-bye to a friend of mine. I don't know if I will ever see him again. He made some bad choices when he was younger, and paying the concequences now. It means he is being taken away for a long time.

 

Two good-byes, and it became frighteningly clear to me how bad I am at good-byes.

Grumpiness and anger first, then avoidance.

Never could walk away at the right time. So stubbornly trying to hold on.

Believing, really really believing if I only try hard enough and last long enough I can make anything happen.

I'm ready to let that go now.

 

Truth : That is only a way to cover up the fear. It's scary letting go, especially when you care. Goodbyes, they are like mini-deaths, and they bring feelings to me of death.

 

Just wanted to write this out. Don't actually have any questions.

 

I feel oddly at peace. That doesn't make this suck any less. It sucks. I love him strongly. I'm just gonna take it day by day, being on my own. This has been a long time coming. What I feared most was that we would stop loving each other, and drain each other down. Couldn't let that happen.

Don't have explanations, never had this happen where I have loved some one so deeply and it just didn't work. Huh.

It's much better than the other options. He's given me so much, enriched my life so much.

 

Thanks for listening.

[FortunateOne]

Great attitude and healthy way to approach this. Her's a thought that a dear friend sent me.

 

 

"My thought for today ...

 

Love, it's such a fragile thing. I think we live our lives assuming that certain people, like family, have an automatic responsibility to love us -- and vice versa. What I seem to be discovering is that ALL love has the potential to be: taken for granted, ignored, misunderstood, beaten, abused, not reciprocated. More simply, all love has the ability to die.

 

Some deaths may be chaotic and violent -- like when one plucks the rose bud from its stem and shreds the lovely, delicate, fragile petals to pieces and discards them as something soiled and useless.

 

Other deaths may be silent, calm, still, with the stench that only death can bring -- like the rose in the garden that's left un kept, unseen, forgotten, abandoned, to slowly, painfully, wither ... a lonely, agonizing death.

 

I am beginning to understand what this means ..."

[friscodj]

Great post IAG, we'll be here for you through your time of grief...

[itsallgrand]

That is profound, MoneyGod. Thanks for sharing that with me.

 

Thanks friscodj. This is so completely different than anything I have experienced before. It'll be a great relief to have the support and wisdom of you guys.

[Ipso Fracto Man]

Somewhere, there is a fortune cookie with your name on it that says: You are a very strong, centered and self-aware person.

[FortunateOne]

Ellie,

 

Create a thread for advice on this.

 

MG

[Scout]

itsallgrand, I am really sorry to hear this news. Of course you have our support - you've helped so many folks on here, it's certainly your turn to be listened to, friend.

 

You point out, "Never had this happen where I have loved some one so deeply and it just didn't work. Huh." I've been going through something similar lately, although I know why it didn't work out. But it was also my first break up of a relationship that was, for the most part, really good and solid.

 

So, navigating this break up may take you through some new territory; you might even find it's difficult to discover a good frame of reference for it on here...I know I searched and searched for threads that told stories similar to my own break up, but couldn't find anything remotely close.

 

Maybe we can start our own forum..."When Good Relationships End."