So hard...

[amb1873]

Long story short, my ex and I broke up in January. Got back together for a month in May. We don't talk when we are broken up really (I do break down once in a while and send him a stupid drunk "thinking about you text" but that's really it). It's so hard because he will flat out tell me that he still cares about me, that there are times that it's "excrutiating" being without me, that he's never cared about or connected with someone the way he did with me... but he just won't be with me! Granted- the reason we broke up was because I cheated on him. He says that he's still in a lot of pain about that, although it's 6 months later. Anyway- I ended up going over there last night and we had a really good night together. Yes, we were physical, and that was of course incredible. But we were also romantic, and honest, and emotionally supportive, and real, and laughed and it was just like being in the arms of my best friend again. I definitely felt like the feelings were still just as strong there on both of our ends- but he's broken up with me TWICE over this issue. I mean- I know the feelings are there- I have been trying to move on but just haven't met ANYONE with whom I feel a connection like I did with him and he has told me that he hasn't either and doesn't expect to for a while- we both said there are some pretty high standards out there. So what is frustrating is that I FEEL how much he still cares for me, he broke down at one point last night and even started to cry, but he just cannot forgive me and I have tried and tried and tried for 6 months now to just prove to him what a huge mistake it was and how much I love him and just want to be with him and know that more than ever. I mean- maybe I'm naive, but I really do still have hope for us. My friends have said that I need to cut off initiating the contact with him- that if he truly loves me then he will come back to me on his own. I just feel like my romantic texts that I send him telling him I miss him and love him have kind of led to this evening last night- where we were able to be together and talk and share feelings. This is a VERY stubborn man who does not do ANYTHING he doesn't want to and had I not been persistent last night never would have happened. So I just feel like if I cut off contact instead of hanging on and letting him know how much I care that it will just fade away or something... or I'm just giving him the go-ahead to go out and find another person where maybe what I'm doing now will keep me top of mind and he'll be reminded how great we were together (which he also freely admits). I know everyone on here is going to tell me that NC is the way to go. I really just want to know why that is always the resounding opinion and if, in my heart, I just really want to be persistent and do as much as it takes to let him know that I am still in love with him and cannot imagine my life without him in it how do I convince myself otherwise and do NC?

[amb1873]

Thank you and I agree with what you said about the NC. I feel like the 2 months we were apart the first time and the recent 3 I have done a lot of that. I am the queen of self-help books! LOL. I know exactly what caused the infidelity and I think that I've helped him to understand that too. He says he has forgiven me in his own way but "not in mine" (meaning returning to being together). I am starting to feel a little sick to my stomach because I think that in his mind he has already accepted the fact that it's "over" between us but just wanted to re-connect for one last time last night- while I, on the other hand, still just want more than anything for us to work it out eventually. I mean, is it possible for someone to know in their heart that something is "over" but still agree to see and be with that person and talk and cuddle and kiss and remember the good times and talk about how wonderful it was until the point of crying? I guess I need to listen to my friends and my mom.... if he wants me, he knows I am here, and he knows how to find me and it will have to be his decision. I'm so scared that I'm just going to be sitting here the rest of my life, just hoping and waiting and crossing my fingers waiting for the day that might happen though. That's my whole problem with "inaction" vs. "action". It's very easy for me to DO something- but to NOT DO something is much harder. I mean, yes, I can go out and meet guys and date but then what if I'm with someone and he finally decides he wants me back? I guess things will have a way of working themselves out... or else I'll be an 80 year old sad sad woman still posting on eNotAlone..... LOL

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It's so hard because he will flat out tell me that he still cares about me, that there are times that it's "excrutiating" being without me, that he's never cared about or connected with someone the way he did with me... but he just won't be with me! Granted- the reason we broke up was because I cheated on him. He says that he's still in a lot of pain about that, although it's 6 months later.

 

You can't put a time limit on how people deal with their partner cheating. Everyone is different. Some people work through it while others can't. He clearly loves you but is still having problems with the infidelity and that is holding him back. You have apologized, shown remorse and shown him how much you care about him. That is all you can do, the rest is up to him.

 

I mean, is it possible for someone to know in their heart that something is "over" but still agree to see and be with that person and talk and cuddle and kiss and remember the good times and talk about how wonderful it was until the point of crying?

 

I don't think it is a matter of knowing it is over. This is a matter of the heart wanting something and the brain saying something else. So his heart wants you but his brain still can't get around the fact that you cheated. He is conflicted and probably just as heartbroken as you are over this (more so because he is dealing with images of you with another man).

 

guess I need to listen to my friends and my mom.... if he wants me, he knows I am here, and he knows how to find me and it will have to be his decision

They are absolutely right.

 

I'm so scared that I'm just going to be sitting here the rest of my life, just hoping and waiting and crossing my fingers waiting for the day that might happen though. That's my whole problem with "inaction" vs. "action". It's very easy for me to DO something- but to NOT DO something is much harder. I mean, yes, I can go out and meet guys and date but then what if I'm with someone and he finally decides he wants me back? I guess things will have a way of working themselves out... or else I'll be an 80 year old sad sad woman still posting on eNotAlone

 

You can't sit and wait until he decides whether or not he wants to put the past where it belongs and start fresh with you. You have to continue with your life. It sounds to me that you need to do a little more healing before you are ready for another relationship. If you are in another relationship and then he decides he wants you back, you will have a choice to make as to where your heart lies...with him or with the new guy. He has been grappling with this for 6 months...you can't put your life on hold and wait until he can deal with what happened.

[amb1873]

Again, thank you so much for the replies to this... I really am a very logical person most of the time and I can give the best advice! When it's my own problems though, sometimes it just REALLY helps to hear those words from other people, even though every single thing that I just read that you wrote I know within my heart to be true. I may be posting a lot on here in the near future! This site is so therapeutic- when I get the urge to call him and beg him to be with me I guess I'll just come here and post instead. And my friends' ears are sure getting a lot of use lately... luckily I have an incredible support group. I am a very fortunate and happy person- I just adore him and am very sad that I did something to cause us both so much pain.

 

Also- he kept referring to our time together last night as "pleasant fiction", apparently a quote from the movie Gladiator. Again, just makes me want to give up hope when he refers to the good times we now have together as "fiction".

[amb1873]

Ok, my head is spinning again.

 

Ex-boyfriend and I are both big music and live music lovers, and Friday night when I was over there he was telling me that he was not going to be able to go to this concert he had gotten tickets for on Thursday night. I did initiate contact on Monday because my roommate and I are both big fans of this band as well and I was hoping he could cut us a deal on the tickets. We talked on the phone, sticking strictly to the subject of the concert tickets (although he did tell me that he still had me banned from his email and he'd fix that the next day). Tickets didn't end up working out, but again, that is all we talked about.

 

Then, different music story, but when we were dating we had purchased tickets to this big music festival over Halloween. After we broke up I realized that I didn't have the money or desire to really go without him and 3 of my friends that had tickets pretty much decided the same thing. I knew he and some of his friends were still going so I IM'd him and asked if he knew anyone else who was looking to buy them because we could sell ours for cheaper than what they are going for online right now. Ended up having about an hour long conversation on IM about random things- mostly music, etc. I said I needed to get back to work and ended it... but then later in the afternoon I emailed him and told him about this band coming to town that I burned him the CD of and we both really like it. He said he'd absolutely love to go to the show with me and he'd also ask a mutual concert-going friend of ours as well to see if he'd want to join.

 

So last night I'm at home and my phone rings and it's him. This is the first initiation of contact he has made since we broke up. However, I think his reasons were selfish as he just basically tried to convince me to buy the extra concert tickets he has, even though I'd already told him my roommate and I had decided we couldn't afford them. We made idle chit chat for a few minutes, I told him some sites he might try to check out online to sell them, and then he brought up the upcoming concert again- said he is DEFINITELY DOWN with going to see them, and had looked for tickets online but couldn't find anything but we should let each other know when we do find them. It was nice, polite, light and then we hung up. My roommate has been through the whole thing with me and was standing next to me and commented that it had sounded like an easy conversation and she was surprised.

 

I don't know what to do. A part of me doesn't want to give up that friendship and all of those common interests we had together but I know that I'm still in love with him and underneath it all I'm hoping we'll end up together. I realize that I have broken my own rule by contacting him first, but as one of my friends pointed out, I have created an "opportunity" for communication.

 

I realize, however, that his priorities and my priorities are not necessarily in sync at the moment though. He is a year younger than me, and on top of that, not incredibly mature or experienced for his age. His life, to me, seems to revolve around hanging out with his buddies every night, drinking, watching sports, going out, etc. And all of his good friends are single and oddly, two of them broke up with their girlfriends after we broke up as well. I guess it shouldn't matter but I'm just torn because I want him and maybe having some form of relationship/friendship is better than having nothing at all, but the logical part of me is yelling at me and telling me that he's just not ready for anything and it doesn't matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to change that. Should I be happy with what he is willing to give and just try to maintain a casual friendship with him? Has anyone been successful at doing this? I am still dating other people, and seeing him on a monthly or bi-monthly basis will not change that. It's been hard though because I've met and went on at least a date with like 5 guys since we broke up in June, all of whom were very sweet, and very interested in me and made that more than clear. I feel like I am trying but I wonder if a part of me isn't giving them a fair chance? I also am confident though, that if one did come along and really did blow me away, that I would be more than willing to be open and try it out with him, because as I said, I know that in the present moment there is no hope for that kind of relationshp with the ex. And really, in the past 3 months, I've reconnected with all a lot of wonderful friends and have been having a lot of fun. I don't want to settle, it's the last thing I want to do. I would definitely rather be single that pretend to be happy with someone I'm not! I guess I'm just trying to figure out what positives my ex is getting out of maintaining a casual frienship with me. I know that I personally don't choose to spend time with people unless I enjoy their company or being around them- I tend to fairly easily cut people out of my life after a relationship if I no longer feel any desire to be around them, and he's not good friends with any of his exes- so I guess I'm just confused!

 

Anyway- I am rambling now. I just can't afford to go see my therapist anymore (cr@ppy health insurance!) and I like that I tend to get a variety of opinions back from this website. Thanks for any advice!

[istillluvu06]

I've been reading all the posts for about a month now and I wanted to reply to this because it is so similar to mine, althouh I did'nt cheat on my ex I hurt him deeply because of some emotional problems I was going through. I am 40 years old and he is 37 and both of us agreed that this was our "REAL" first true love. I am so devastated. It hurts even more because of the guilt I have for hurting someone so much that I truly love!! Sometimes it's more than I can bear.I want so much for him to be able to trust me agian, he was my soulmate, and I am so lost without him. I am so sorry for what you are going through, I fully understand. But if I was to get physical or even see him right now I would crumble, it would reopen wounds and bring back all the pain of wanting and missing him sooooo much. Soon I will post my story, it's been hard to put it all into perspective cause it's very complicated and different. I wish ALL of you the best of luck. I know it hurts like HELL

[Relax]

Remember what's good about you. This one is really important. Sometimes people with broken hearts start to blame themselves for what's happened.

 

They may be really down on themselves, exaggerating their faults as though they did something to deserve the unhappiness they're experiencing. If you find this happening to you, nip it in the bud! Remind yourself of your good qualities, and if you can't think of them because your broken heart is clouding your view, get your friends to remind you.

 

Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful so don't let the rest of your body get broken too. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize stress and depression and give your self-esteem a boost.