Why Does She Want To Continue To Hurt Me?

[FinchFreak2002]

As some of you may know from my previous posts, I dated the same girl for 8 years. We had a nasty breakup in January. I have talked to her on and off several times since, but there have been weeks and even months that have passed at a time with no contact. She's with another guy and jumped into that relationship 1 week or so after our breakup. She's 25, He's 20, and I'm 25. She worked with this guy though and got to know him over a year. Anyway, in June I called her and we had a nice conversation for about 45 min, but she refused to take my number because she said that she didn't want to lie to "him" and say that she didn't have my number when she really did. Then in July I saw her because I went to the mall where she works. Now believe me, I've been strong and I've kept my distance from her to give her space and time, but I do hope we'll get back together. I've been dating other people, going out with friends, meeting new people, doing new things...it's really been okay. I was a total wreck for a good 3 months after all this, but I started feeling better in June and you can tell from the way I write that I'm doing a lot better, but believe me, I was heartbroken for such a long time. Over the last couple of months, I've been working out regularly and have lost 50 lbs since the breakup. Anyway, when I bumped into her in July, I was real happy cuz I had lost all that weight and I looked real good. She still looked the same.

 

 

 

I'm still not over her and I still love her and miss her. I was talking to a friend recently and he said it was great I was doing better. He suggested that I send her flowers labeled: To: ________ Thinking of You From: YSA short for "Your Secret Admirer". So sure enough, I figured it was a nice gesture and plus it would make her think about me and it would also make that jerk she is with think about me. So I did it last week. A few days later I got an email from the guy she's with basically just letting me know he's still around. All it said was "HI". I ignored it...so yesterday I went to the mall with the express intent of bumping into her. I saw her and said hello, asked her how things were and she basically said she was fine...she told me how she went on a week vacation with him and that her summer was going great. She asked me if I had a girlfriend and I said I was seeing a couple of people. She then asked me if I was "keeping my options open" and I said yes. Then she told me that "the strangest thing happened to her" She came home one day and got flowers from a secret admirer. I told her that it was nice that she has a secret admirer...now she's pretty sure that I'm the one that sent the flowers, but regardless, I think it was a nice gesture and it was cute and innocent. We had some small talk then I left. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and a hug and told her it was nice to see her. She seemed a little cold towards me though the entire conversation. I feel like she wants me to continue to be in pain. She won't give me any indication of hope between us. It seems as if she doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that we were together for all those years. It's as if we are strangers. I felt distant from her. I was thinking of sending her a letter. Do any of you think it will do any good whatsoever or is it best to just not do anything. I've not done anything for awhile. I just don't see how she can just continue to pour salt in my wounds. I treated this girl with a lot of love over 8 years. Tell me what you think.

 

 

 

Dear ___________,

 

 

 

It's easier for me to write to you and tell you how I feel than it is in person. Whenever I see you, I feel like I am walking on thin ice and I'm afraid of saying the wrong things. I actually feel like no matter what I say, it won't be right to you, but I have to get this off my chest. I just want you to know that I am here for you if you ever need me ___________. Of course it was me who is "Your Secret Admirer". I always have and always will be your admirer. I'm glad you enjoyed the roses and next time I'll send you pink ones since pink is your favorite.

 

 

 

___________, I hold no animosity towards you and I hope you hold none against me. As I've said before, I know it's tough but I'd like to still be friends with you. If you ever want to contact me, you know where to reach me. I wish that we could go somewhere together once in awhile or talk more often but I'm leaving that up to you because I don't want to put any pressure on you whatsoever. I would like you to feel comfortable contacting me. Don't be afraid to reach out to me once in awhile, we're not strangers.

 

 

 

Believe it or not ___________, I care about your happiness. I mean, we were together for 8 years. I can't just turn my feelings for you off like a light switch and just go on with my life as if you never existed. The truth is that we spent some very happy years together ___________. I reminisce fondly when I think of how we met at ___________ surprise party. I remember you beeping me on my old beeper with "07734", short for "hello". I always thought that was the cutest thing in the world. I remember our first date at ________'s Valentine's party, your 50's themed 17th birthday party, our junior and senior proms, the fun we had going to those Yankees/Mets subway series games (especially in 1998), my fraternity formals in Atlantic city, our Hawaiian vacation, and even more recently, our drive to Philadelphia in the wintertime. We had some really nice times together and I look back on those memories with warm feelings.

 

 

 

I want you to know ___________, that if you are happy with _______, then that is great. I am happy if you are happy. The truth is ___________, you know that I will always have feelings for you. You were very special to me for a very long time. I am sad at times that you are not in my life, but if you are happy then that is all that matters to me.

[crookster_man]

Hmm, Well I'm glad that you're concerned about her happiness... How about your own? The letter sounds good to me, send it if you wish. Though I'm not sure what you wish to accomplish with it. Is it for closure, or an attempt to get her to notice you again?

 

Honestly, not to be blunt, well actually to be blunt. I think she is trying to tell you that she and you are over. I'm sorry to say this but chances are she doesn't want to get back together with you. I remember responding to an older post of yours and I stick by what I said.

 

This "Butthead" guy is most likely a rebound guy, like I said he will get his in the end. However, I think she is using him to get over you. I fear it may have succeeded. She is telling you that she went off with him on a trip not to hurt you, but to tell you (suggestively) that she is over you and has moved on. I doubt she really loves this other guy (then again you never know). But she is saying loud and clear that she is not going to date you anymore.

 

I'm sure she still thinks of you, No one can just turn off emotions (unless you're a psychopath). But they are not strong romantic feelings. I'm sorry, but this is how I see it.

 

Please let her go. Setting her free is not an insult to the past 8 years. It's not erasing their existence or diminishing the feelings you have felt and are feeling now. Letting her go will actually allow you to cherish the memories more, because they will be a source of inspiration and fondness rather then pain and regret.

 

Remember you are not alone, we are here for you.

[wildworld]

Frankly, like many people here have experienced, trying to convince the ex to forgive u is a really tricky if not impossible task. For me it was a 3 year relationship but we have spent everyday of those 3 years together. its like the hardest thing that i had to experience in my 24 years of existence. like u, i have resolved to not contact her for sometime. Also, I feel that feelings especially with somone whom u feel so close to cannot be turned off like a like switch. Additionally, She recently got attached with this guy who became her confidant after our break up. ( After about 5 months.) I feel terrible, i cant imagine her being with someone else. hell, I have tried persuading her to be frens and stuff. But what she said is true. Can we ever JUST be friends? And think about it for us the inentions of being friends is so that we may get back together with our exs right? So i no i aint offering any advice but im just empathising. For me, Ill just continue my regime of not contacting her and i leave everything else to the hands of fate. Anybody with some advice?

[babycristy456]

Yea crookster hit it right where it hurts, the probable truth!

If she was acting cold towards you, its not that she is trying to pour salt on your wounds, I mean, your the one pouring salt on your own wounds...being the one going to the mall to run into her. She was just trying to tell you that she is moving on, there is nothing between the two of you anymore.

 

I can understand after 8 years, you still want her back. I mean i was really sad after ending it with my ex of 2 years. But you have to move on, isn't she moving on?

 

Try to seek your own hapiness.

 

Cristina

[FinchFreak2002]

I guess she's moving on...but it's definitely a lot easier for her because she has someone to fall back on. I have friends but its not the same. My friends aren't going to bend over backwards for me and be there for me every moment. She was always there for me and I was always there for her. Now, I have no one to be there for me all the time, no one to talk to at night about things going on in my life. I know this site is enotalone, but I am alone. I feel very alone.

 

I'm at work right now. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a total wreck again...and I did it to myself. I was doing fine when I stayed away and had no contact...now I feel like crap again. How can she just act as if I never meant anything to her? She never went through this pain like I'm going through this pain. She jumped from me to him in a matter of a few days. Heck, for all I know this was going on before our breakup. I'm a total wreck guys.

 

She is a totally dependent person. She's dependent on others for everything. I realize that in order to be happy, I have to learn to be independent and to not let someone else have the power to make me happy or sad. I have to be in control of my own happiness. I understand that and for awhile I was doing good, I just so wanted some type of indication that she still had feelings for me. I want there to be hope for us. I know I should move on and I will move on for now. You guys are right. It may be over, for now. For now, it is over and it has been over for the last 6 months, but there is always the possibility of getting back together, right? She has to be the one to make that decision though, right?

[crookster_man]

Hello, FinchFreak2002

 

1. You are not alone, unless you shut us and your friends out.

 

2. Are you a mind reader? How do you know what she is feeling and thinking? Do you really think she can just turn off her feelings and memories? Never assume what someone is thinking, that is a mistake which has cost many dearly.

 

3. You should move on. Is there a chance you will get back together? Well the person you were and the person she was does not exist anymore. So No you two will never get back together. Is there a possibility that the new you and she might form a completely new relationship? Maybe, but I would strongly advise against it. You are still clinging onto the old her. You are still in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore.

 

4. I was just given this web site by one of the members, very good. Check it out you will find something that will help you. link removed

[oinmd]

It's not that she is trying to hurt you. She probably wants to move on with her life, and if she smiles at you or shows you that she cares about you then you will take it as a glimpse of hope. She doesn't want to hurt you by misleading you. My fiance broke up with me a month ago and I still hold on to that hope that she will come to her sense and come back to me, but I know that is what everyone feels when things like this happen. If it was meant to be then it will be, but you can't force it on her. Chances are you two will never be together again, I hate to say it and believe me I know exactly what you are going through right now because I am going through the same thing. I havn't really spoken to my ex in only a week and it's already getting difficult, but I know I need to give her space and that is the only way that I will be able to heal. Every time she IMs me or e-mails me it brings back all those feelings that I have been trying so hard to get over. I almost feel like I want to just go somewhere for 6 months where she can't contact me. Showing up unexpectedly at her work is definitely not a good thing. You catch her off guard and that is why she probably acted cold towards you. Also, she was probably holding back her feelings because she didn't want to make a scene in public.

 

Read this post, it gave me a new perspective on things. link removed

Breakups are very difficult to accept, but you must understand that later on you will see it as a growing and learning experience. I am just getting started with my breakup, and I know I will have a lot of tough times ahead, but I know in the end it will make me stronger. Always remember, you can't make someone love you.

[vampyr]

Your post has your own answers in it. She is completely dependent on someone. My ex is the same way... we've only been apart for a month and she jumped out of my house and into this other guy's apartment. I'm stuck taking over all the responsibility and she has none because he is more than happy to pay for her happiness.

So I know exactly what you are going through too. When I don't hear from her for a week, I slowly get stronger. But as soon as she calls or I get a chance to be alone with my ex, I'm right back where I started. I'm amazed too that my ex seems to let 4 years just go right out the door. But then I stop and think about something. She is completely dependent on someone, but I became dependent on her for my happiness. She can't depend on someone who depends on her. So basically I changed myself throughout the relationship. I've also thought about how I am alone, coping with this break up and she is with a guy who is helping her be distracted from the pain and emotions of a break up. The funny thing about it is I will eventually get over it completely, but she isn't giving herself the chance to get over it. Once that guy is gone, she will suddenly be hit with 2 break ups to deal with. I could never be with a woman who just broke up from a 4 year relationship, TOO MUCH BAGGAGE. But hey, some people have low standards and could care less, as long as they get sex.

[FinchFreak2002]

To answer all of you...I happen to disagree. I still believe there is hope for us. If there is no hope, what reason would I have to go on in life? I love this girl and I know she loves me. You can't take away 8 years. You can't erase the pages. I know that she is with this guy and he is basically helping her get over me. But as many of you have said, she hasn't dealt with any of the emotions of our breakup because she went right to him. And, you are right. When it ends between the two of them because they jumped into the relationship for all the wrong reasons, she will be forced to deal with 2 breakups. That is when she'll come and seek me out. Who knows where I'll be or who I'll be with at that point in my life. It could be 6 months from now, 1 year, 2 years, or 3 weeks. The point is, I will be moving on with my life and not sitting and waiting for her.

 

When I did see her, she asked me bluntly if I had a girlfriend. Because I'm not in a steady relationship right now, she's gloating. She feels good that she's in a relationship and I'm not...but boy once the tables are turned, I'm almost positive it will bother her. So I am going to stay away, I'm going to meet and date other people and I'm sure if 6 months or a year passes, she'll be wondering where I've been.

 

Finally, I still have hope for us. Listen to this story. I bumped into a guy last night in a bar with a couple of my friends. He happened to be a guy that my ex worked with almost 8 years ago in a retail store. I remembered him and I spoke with him for a bit at the bar. His girlfriend also happens to work at the restaurant there. Anyway, his current girlfriend and my ex happened to be friends 8 years ago. At the time, me and my girl were 17 and she was 15. We had gone to an amusement park together and somehow my girl and this girl had a falling out and stopped being friends. But this guy and his girl got together because of me and my girl. They met through her at this job. I was amazed that him and his girlfriend were together for so long because me and my exgirlfriend were together for the same amount of time. He told me how their relationship was on again off again over the 8 years. Funny thing is, me and my girl never broke up once. This is why I have hope. This guy told me that the longest point that they were not together was 1 year. 1 year of no contact whatsoever. I do have hope for me and my ex and if it means that we both have to date others and experience new things, so be it. I'm sure that one day the two of us will cross paths again though. You can never forget your first love, especially our long term relationship. Something will go wrong between her and "butthead" because they jumped into the relationship for all the wrong reasons. I do have hope for us.

 

FinchFreak 2002

[babycristy456]

Of course nothing is going to erase the past or the memories etc.

I guess you know what you know and if you feel she still loves you, then I guess you got a reason to believe. But when you move on, and she comes back, as you said she would, are you going to want her back?

 

Its funny bc my ex-bf of 2 years dumped me and it took me a whole year to get over him, but I always thought since we had a great relationship, and since he was my first love, and we were together for so long, that when he would come back, I would just go back to him.

 

To my surprise, he called me to hang out last week and I can't even imagine hanging out w/ him since me and him have grown so far apart over the year that we've been broken up. I feel like I dont even know him anymore. The past is gonna stay the past for me, as a beautiful memory. but there is no future for us. Ive gone too far to turn back.

 

Maybe youll feel the same way one day. But anyhow, I just hope it turns out for the better at the end! Good Luck!

[FinchFreak2002]

Well, I do know several stories of people who have been separated for a period of time, be it 6 months, a year, or more and have gotten back together. I actually work with a guy who is married to his high school sweetheart. He's my age, 25. They were together when they were 16 also. At one point, 3 years into the relationship they broke up and had no contact for a year. They managed to get back together after this 1 year of no contact. Today they are happily married. These are stories that give me hope. I know a lot of you feel maybe that you're trying to give me a reality check, but I need this hope to keep me going. I will date others and I will move on for now, but I still love her and she is my true love. I want to believe that after 8 years I still mean something to her even though she will not show it. She is with another guy and she wants me to believe she is very happy. Heck, she may very well be happy, but she is hiding her feelings and emotions about our breakup as she never dealt with it. When it ends between her and him, as long as I've stayed away from her, I'm sure she will seek me out. How do all of you feel about this? Do you have happy stories? Happy endings? Sadness over a breakup and then jubiliation after getting back together? I'm all ears.

 

FinchFreak2002

[babycristy456]

My stories are nothing to get happy about...

well you heard my story with the ex-bf of 2 yrs....beautiful story but i dont see us together...maybe one day in the future.

My last ex-bf...cheated on me and i kicked him to the curb!

Im single now...

but I do got some good news...Ever since 10th grade, ive had a crush on some guy that Ive spent the rest of my summer with. HeHe. Now thats a great thing to cheer up my spirits about relationships! only one thing, he is going bak to college in another city this Sunday! Bummer!

 

But im not surprised. I always have these shitty endings.

 

Scary Beginnings, Incredible Middle, Crappy Endings...But that's okay. I still got my spirits up. I got hope. If hope is keeping you together, then hold on to it.

 

Sorry, my stories have nothing to do with anything, and you probably dont care to hear them, but i just felt like spilling them.

[FinchFreak2002]

Well everybody, I'm happy to say that I met my ex the other day in the mall again. She actually seemed happy to see me and we went for coffee together. We spoke for about a half hour and she gave me her new cell number. We're supposed to go out one night this week. All this after 7 months of not really seeing her or speaking much to her. I don't know what her intentions are or what she's thinking, but nonetheless, I'm really happy we're talking and we're going to go out together. Any advice or ideas about how to proceed? I know I should take things real slow and not rush anything. I don't want to ruin this. I'm still sort of walking on egg shells here. Anyone have experience with this?

[crookster_man]

Why do you want this to start back up? What are your intentions? Answer these questions, honestly. Becareful you are not getting back into this for the wrong reasons. You will just get hurt in the end if so.

 

As for getting back with an ex, just treat them like a new date. That's how I do it. Basically don't treat them like an ex, treat them like a friend you know who you are trying to date. Catch my drift? That means don't talk about the old relationship, it's in the past.

 

I dated one of my ex's again for about 6-7 months. It was pretty good; it was a whole new relationship. Yes it was the same person as before, (we had been split for 9 months). But we didn't talk about the old relationship. You don't have to either, just view this as a new person to start a relationship with.

 

That being said, you should make damn sure that you have addressed the issues why you broke up in the first place. If not, then you are DOOMED to repeat the past. Only positive growth and development can harbour a successful relationship, never forget that.

[reborn]

Hey Finch,

Been following your story for a while now. So glad you are doing a lot better. I know its a difficult situation to deal with. After 8 years of relationship and your girl seemeenly so over it,´is a very difficult pill to swallow. It is a day by day thing. And it is ok and to be expected that after doing really good you may start thinking of her, wondering how she forgot about you so fast, bump into her, whatever... and feel like you are back to square one. All in all, I think you are doing very well. And considering all the feelings you have bottled up inside I think you are handeling things very well when you were around her.

Glad you guys met and had some coffee. I suggest you take it slow. Crookster gave you really good advice about treating her as a new date. However, I would go further and tell you to treat her just as a friend not even a date. Do be your self, be natural and have fun together, enjoy her company and this way she will enjoy yours. But I would hold off on the flowers, gifts, declaring to her that you are the secret admirer person, and romantic talk--no I love yous, miss you, etc. At least not for now.

For now I think you should just make it safe and enjoyable for her to be around you. For her not to feel threated at all around you, and by this I mean in the romantic sense, in the trying to woo her sense, specifically. Since she has pushed this efforts by you away, and "Butthead" seems to butt his little head in anytime you make a move. The key is putting down her defences.

Even if you play strictly friend, you should use what you know to your advantage. After all, 8 years is a long time, and that is an advantage that "Butthead" can´t surpass you in. You know this woman. You know what she enjoys in general and about you. Lets say if she liked your sense of humor, just enjoy yourselfs together so this comes out. If she likes how generous you are, next time you see her for coffee treat her, you get the drift stuff like that. Don´t overdo it. Just use that to ur advantage in the new friendship but in a positive and very subtle way.

By the way, I am so glad and proud you lost 50 pounds, have been going to the gym, etc. Breakups are a very trying time and it has taken me 4 months to finally get over my deppression and to the gym. So good for you!

I think everyone at the forum is giving you the best advice they can. It is rough to get a reality check but sometimes that is the only thing that can save us. I know it hurts a lot when you hear advice telling you: "She is obviously over you, she will not come back, move on cause she has and is trying to tell you". And even though it is with the best of intentions, and wise, we in fact do not know what will happen. I know what you really want to hear is that we think this is just a matter of time and you too will go back together. Maybe you do go back together. Hopefully you will but nobody knows. However, we only give you the best advice we can based on the situation NOW. And although we all understand it is easier to talk than to do stuff like to move on, accept she is over you, etc. we just say what from an objective perspective seems the healthiest, emotionally self preserving response based on the events and situation you describe.

 

I can totally see why you are not moving on, or why it seems so difficult for you too completely do it, and for you to still feel alone. No matter what the reasons for the breakup, 8 years is 8 years. And it is EXTREMELY painful and shocking for the emotions, ego and soul to observe the other person just seem to not care. You were emotionally adbandoned by your gf. It must be really shocking, hard and undescribable for the heart and soul to suddenly see that the person you were with for 8 years is now treating you like a stranger. It is a total negation of what has happened. LIke you don´t exist, or like nothing mattered. Specially if she was so dependent, it is just a total shock. Like a alien took over the body of your girl. It took me months and lots of emotional work to admit that my ex no longer loves me in a romantic way. This is very painful and shoking, because there was no real prelude to the breakup. It was one day I love and kisses, and next day was breakup day. I think until you come to digest this a little you will not be in a position to move on. We can tell you, but it is not enough for you to know things at an intellectual level. You must understand them at an emotional level. This takes time, and it is a journey that you must take alone. It hurt a lot, but for me it started when I just started telling my self, that my ex does not love me. I would cry and cry and it was painful, but little by little... the heart begings to understand. Let yours take the time it needs. Even if you and her go back you do need to heal.

 

You may get back together. But if you keep holding on to this, emotionally you will be weak and down. However if you do accept it is over, at an emotional level and start really healing and will be able to handle the situation better, from a stronger position.

Put it this way. Is like if you are expecting to go to a big party. And there is a dance with the princes (your girl) maybe you could dance for ever. Right now from the outside you look good, strong, with great dress. But if under your clothing you keep picking at your skin, and wounds when the time really comes to dance you will not be strong enough, and just fall down. Do you get the drift?

Relationships happen between equals Finch. Unless you are in the same place she is emotionally you will not be able to carry it on. Your girl is not going anywhere. You should not give up on your wish to go back but please do try to let go so you are stronger. It is contradictory, but we cannot ignore the wound that is there. A breakup is the death of a relationship. You must grow new skin, like a snake Finch. It is a painful process, but you must let go. Try to.

Love is like a wild horse, it says in a chinese oracle, the book of changes. If it has gone and you chase it, it will go farther and farther. However if you just let it go without trying to retain it, it will come back from its free will.

So do practice this attitude in your friendship with your girl. Do not be anxious. No matter how much you wish and try, we cannot make a fruit become ripe when it is green, no matter how hard we wish it to be. Nature takes care of that.

Read some buddhist stuff, and trust in life and God if you believe, that all is taken care of everything will work out great. Best of luck Finch and remember to take it easy and to just let things be. You will have more chances of being together if you truly let go, as contradictory as it sounds.

-Reborn