Need advice about waiting to have a baby

[muffin cakes]

I have a 16 month old son. I had a miscarriage in May 2006. I found that after that I really wanted to have a second child. It took alot of work to convence my boyfriend to try for another baby. Lately, I have been feeling that I would like to take another six months before I try again. I have been finding that my son is enough for me to handle at the moment. Do u think that he will be upset by this request? WHat should I do?

[vandgsmom]

He shouldn't be.

 

As it seems that it took some wheeling and dealing to get him into the idea in the first place, he should be able to acccept that you came over to his way of thinking fairly easily...

 

Just tell him you decided you want a little more distance in between your other child and this one.

 

Things will be fine honey. It is the best decision you can make to listen to that voice in your head telling you to take more time. There is always time for more babies when you are ready.

[rose2summer]

Hi muffin cakes,

 

I am concerned that you want another baby before getting married,

 

What if you bf ends up leaving you,

 

And you have 2 children to care for,

 

I just worry about you,

 

I want you to be happy,

 

Is their a wedding planned anytime soon?

 

By the way, I applaud you on waiting to try again.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[muffin cakes]

AS far as my boyfriend leaving me I have no worries. I was the one to tell him I not ready for marriage yet. He is a great father to our child, and will be to any other childern we have. We would likely be financial able to support another child. He is 30 and I am 26. We certainly aren't kids, but my biological clock isn't exactly ticking either. He works full-time and I stay at home with our son.

 

One of the reasons that I came to this decision was that last night I was out with some girlfriends who both just had babies. I was holding one of their babies, and my son was in the highchair next to me. He begin to fuss. I begin to worry that he may be very jealous of a sibling right now and may not get all the attention that he needs. I guess it just really hit me I already have a baby.

It would be quite likely that I may not enjoy my second child as much as I have enjoyed him. If I feel overwhelmed, and am really stressed.

 

Sorry for the rant

[southerngirl]

Well, if you did have another baby your son would handle it. Theres enough love to go around so they say and he would have to adjust at first but then it would be fine. Also you would find a way to care for both of them.

 

I have a 20 month old and am expecting another in Dec.. I have much the same fears but ready or not here comes baby.

 

Waiting for now, theres nothing at all wrong with that. But , when you do have another coming it will be too late, he or she will be born.

[muffin cakes]

I am sure that you are right southerngirl. Congrats!!!! I by no means discourage anybody else from having children close together. I may be pregnant as it is we were trying this month and hit ovulation right on. I was charting. So it may be too late, but if I am I will deal with it and so will my son.

[southerngirl]

Either way good luck however it goes!

[Relationship Coach]

My wife and I have a son who turns one next week, we are waiting until he is 3 before trying again. I think 1-3 is a huge developmental stage for a child and this could be slighted if trying to take on too much. To each their own but having first hand experience with my 12 year old, they seem to flourish better when reared alone during those years.

 

RC

[southerngirl]

Yeah, I worry about that... But too late to go back now. Sometimes I wonder how I will even be able to handle this. There was a 7 year span between my first two. Now this will be 3rd

[DN]

My daughters were born eighteen months apart. They had the usual amount of quarrelling as kids but always played together. There were many times when they were each other's best enemies of course.

 

Now they are in their twenties and are each other's best friend. They and their SOs socialise together, go camping together and have some of their friends in common.

[Batya33]

Even though you don't want to get married yet give some thought to whether your child deserves a two-parent home where his or her father is committed by marriage to you. I understand he would be on the hook for child support but obviously it would be more stable from a legal standpoint if he were married to you as well as emotionally since it would make it far more difficult for him to leave the family. Might be an argument against bringing another child into this (legally) unstable situation.

[Hope75]

I'm also curious why, if you are not ready for a commitment such as marriage, why you are prepared to bring another child into your relationship. Do you think that having children together is not as much or more serious a commitment than marriage?

 

What's the hold up?

 

Why not marry him, if he wants that and you already have a child together and want another?

[muffin cakes]

I talked to my boyfriend. He agreed to waiting for the six months. My period is due this week some time so I guess I will find out this week if I am expecting #2 or not. I have thought about it some I am ok with having another child now, but if possible would like to wait.

[Batya33]

I understand that you are OK with having another child. Are you ok with your child being raised in the family and financial situation you are in?

[southerngirl]

I understand that you are OK with having another child. Are you ok with your child being raised in the family and financial situation you are in?

 

Why make assuptions of her financial situation?

 

Sorry, just dont feel thats needed.

[melrich]

Why make assuptions of her financial situation?

 

I agree. And really the marriage question is just a value judgement, your own, and nothing more. There are plenty of people out there whose value judgement does not see marriage as necessary for the health and happiness of a family (me being one, and that is my own value judgement).

 

To the OP. I can definitely see both sides here. DN said the now side best, the closer in age kids are the closer they tend to be growing up. Relationship Coach got the other right, 1 - 3 is a time of huge developmental change.

 

But you know what I reckon, the kids don't matter, they will adapt to whatever situation. It is really about you guys because you have to be able to manage things. Having 2 under the age of 3 is tough work and you need lots of support. The rewards can be fantastic. Waiting until your first is 3 will definitely make the second easier and I think they would still be of a close enough age to have a special relationship.

[muffin cakes]

I am just updating I am pregnant. I will be four weeks tomorrow. As far as financial, we will be alright. He works full-time. I get that everyone is thinking that marriage will make our relationship more stable, I disagree in fact if you do things before you are ready it may do the opposite. I feel that for the time being our relationship is as he and I are happy with. Marriage may be in our future in a couple of years. We will see.

 

I am not against marriage anyone who wishes to go that route certainly has my blessings, but for now it isn't for us.

[muffin cakes]

I guess I mean't to say that the wanting to wait was not due to finacial reasons, I just thought that it may have been easier for me if there was a bit of more age difference between my childern, but I think that I am pregnant now because it was meant to be this way.

[Batya33]

I guess my question is how is it that you are ready to bring a child into this world into a situation where you and the father are not legally committed, but you are not ready to marry the father? I wish you the best with your pregnancy and with deciding how best to act in the best interests of your children.

[BornToResist]

I personally understand how you feel.

 

I knew a couple who got married before they were ready due to having a baby, and it turned out completely horrible. They both destroyed each other's credit (community property state) as well as any healthy relationship they could have salvaged for the sake of their child due to just rushing into things.

 

I think it is smart of you to realize that while it is not society's norm, you do not have to marry to have a healthy relationship and family until you feel you are ready.

 

*thumbs up*

[Batya33]

I personally understand how you feel.

 

I knew a couple who got married before they were ready due to having a baby, and it turned out completely horrible. They both destroyed each other's credit (community property state) as well as any healthy relationship they could have salvaged for the sake of their child due to just rushing into things.

 

I think it is smart of you to realize that while it is not society's norm, you do not have to marry to have a healthy relationship and family until you feel you are ready.

 

*thumbs up*

 

I guess my view would be that if you cannot provide a two-parent stable committed family, then why have a baby and/or why not give the baby up for adoption to a stable family. It is not just society's norm, it is borne out by statistics that a two-parent stable committed home is better for the child's well being - I'm not just referring to tradition or convention but health and safety. Obviously you can do your own research/have your own opinions if you wish. Sounds to me like a situation where there is already a child from another relationship, now a second child and the father of course is legally obligated to pay child support to the second child but has no legal obligations to the mother whatsoever. Doesn't sound very stable to me, but again that's just me.

[BornToResist]

I guess my view would be that if you cannot provide a two-parent stable committed family, then why have a baby and/or why not give the baby up for adoption to a stable family. It is not just society's norm, it is borne out by statistics that a two-parent stable committed home is better for the child's well being - I'm not just referring to tradition or convention but health and safety. Obviously you can do your own research/have your own opinions if you wish. Sounds to me like a situation where there is already a child from another relationship, now a second child and the father of course is legally obligated to pay child support to the second child but has no legal obligations to the mother whatsoever. Doesn't sound very stable to me, but again that's just me.

 

From what I read, the first child is from the same man. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. It sounds like a stable two parent family to me, just without the papers and rings. It does not mean just because they are not married they cannot have a healthy family or should give their children up for adoption. Marraige does provide many benefits that could protect her in the long run, but if she's not ready, she's not ready. I have known people this has worked out for. It doesn't sound like their relationship was a problem to begin with or even a concern in her mind. I do have my own opinions, as does the OP, and I was just simply stating that I back her up.

[Batya33]

Of course you have your own opinions and I respectfully disagree. In my view a child deserves at minimum a two-parent stable home where the parents are committed to each other legally as well as emotionally. You disagree with that premise which of course is fine. I am probably mistaken about the first child's father although it troubles me that her boyfriend had to be convinced to have another child. I look at it entirely from the perspective of the best interests of the child, not whether the parents are ready to get married or otherwise. We agree that people who are not ready to be married should not get married, we just disagree on whether those who are not ready to get married (or otherwise legally committed) are acting in the best interests of their children when they decide to have children in that situation.

[melrich]

I guess my view would be that if you cannot provide a two-parent stable committed family, then why have a baby and/or why not give the baby up for adoption to a stable family. It is not just society's norm, it is borne out by statistics that a two-parent stable committed home is better for the child's well being - I'm not just referring to tradition or convention but health and safety.

 

This is a two parent stable family. You are assuming that somehow you can only have this arrangement if you are married. That is not the case. You are assuming you can only demonstrate commitment by being married. That is not the case.

 

Like the OP I am not married but have been with my partner for 7 years and two children. We are totally committed to each other but neither of us wants marriage. We have both been there and done that.

 

Legally there is absolutely NO difference to the responsibilities and financial arrangements if we were married compared to as we are now. In the eyes of the law we are deemed to be as married.

 

Like the OP, I respect people's right to be married but it is not for us. That does not mean that our relationship is in any way less committed or binding than any of our friends who are in married relationships.

[Batya33]

I respect your opinion and when it comes to the best interests of children, I respectfully disagree that it doesn't matter as far as their best interests whether there is a legal commitment between the two parents. I also disagree that marriage is just a piece of paper.

 

I do agree that it is far better for the children to live in a situation where the parents have been together for years such that it is likely a common law arrangement (in some states) than in a situation, like that of the OP where she had to convince her boyfriend to have another child and it sounds like she got pregnant before he was fully ready. I also agree that there is a continuum of arrangements as far as what is in the best interests of the children. In addition, I think it is important to show children the role model of a stable marriage but again, that's just me and I do not judge others' opinions or decisions on that front.