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I'm so lost and exhausted please help


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I've posted quite a few things oveer the last few months here on enotalone. I guess I've been skirting around the real problem with a few little issues and it's been really unsatisfying. I desperately need some kind of release.

 

I made lots of other posts before. Many of you may know I've been questioning my sexuality (I had a samesex relationship about a year ago which was messy) and that many people know about that, but my girlfriend isn't one of them.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for six months now. It was really refreshing when we got together. To finally have some intimacy after a year of pushing people away and not knowing who I was.

 

But I'm constantly paranoid that she'll find out. And I HATE all the people that know about it. Hate the power they have over me. I hang around with some friends, but I hate the way they make me feel- like they know something about me. I fantasise that people laugh about me all the time. That I'm a joke. My mental state isnt great and I guess I am a little bit unstable.

 

It made so much sense for me get out of here as soon as I could. But I didnt want to "run away" from this situation. I figured what didnt kill you makes you stronger. And I liked the idea that I could learn something from this difficult situation.

 

And so when I met my girlfriend I felt really happy. It felt good- it felt right- I was really happy.

 

I guess we dont have much in common but we have fun and we have common hobbies like going to restaurants and movies and we dont like to go out too much.

 

When we got together it was difficult for me because usually when I have a girlfriend we live very close and see each other nearly every day. But we have to work and live in different towns so it's difficult.

 

But then it got more serious and we had fun together.

 

But I'm a foreigner here and that gains me a certain amount of notoriety and so she got a bit jealous I think that I knew so many people. But its not that I have that many friends-- actually I have nobody I trust at all. But she saw it that way. So I dont feel she trusts me- like I caught her counting condoms a couple of times.

 

Then..... all these blonde hairs kept turning up in my apartment- we dont know who they belong too- but I'm sure thats in the back of her mind.

 

Then.... she was talking on the phone to some guy and was saying "I'm sorry I have a boyfriend- I'll put you on the waiting list!"- they have a professional relationship and she was just joking but I got really upset. She went out with another white guy (shes japanese) I barely knew a year before- and it just makes me feel so ORDINARY!! Like I could be anybody- but its ridiculous. I cant say anything. It doesnt make any sense. I'm jealous of a fling a year ago. But it makes me feel like any white guy would be fine.

 

But she's with me and she's serious about me and she cares and she's kind. She brought me a banana cake today to surprise me..........

 

 

But here's the thing. Two months ago I went back to the Uk where I'm from and I had a great time. It brought back lots of memories and I was happy. But when I came back to this town I really started to slip down.

I couldnt accept that I was a foreigner again. I didnt want to be back with the rumours that I'm gay. I didnt want to face a load of people who think I'm a bit of a joke.

 

My job is teaching- its a good job- essentially I talk to people eight hours a day. But I feel at the moment like an entertaining white monkey. They just want someone to be loud and exciting and interesting for them. They act like they're watching tv. all I have to do is crack jokes and they love it. And I get to teach some of the more serious students too and thats really rewarding.

 

But recently, since I got back from the UK its not enough. I feel so empty. There's nothing to do here. No time for a hobby. i'm studying Japanese every day which is a great distraction.

 

But the paranoia and the discomfort is taking over. When I walk past people its common for people to say "oh a foreigner!"- they dont mean it bad- its just a strange thing for them. But its starting to drive me crazy- I feel depressed and down and miserable where I am- and that makes it worse. Because I cant escape- and as apranoid as I am- everyone REALLY does notice me. --------- thats an exaggeration. But you know, I get attention which doesnt help me.

 

I love living in Japan. Its clean, polite and the food is plain but great. I love the challenge of learning a new language.

 

But what's happening now is making it so difficult.

 

I cant stop thinking. I cant relax. I cant sleep. I cant look at strangers in the street. I get angry over nothing. I'm avoiding all my friends. I have a history of depression. So I know what's happening. But I hate it. I know I have to pick myself up. But I cant.

 

I feel like I'm downward spiralling. I'm miserable.

 

My girlfriend is fun to be with. But we cant go out together with my friends because she's not comfortable with my friends for some reason- perhaps because it just seems to her like i'm really popular- she alwasy says that- but actually I'm just notorious. I'm not comfortable because I dont trust my friends to not tell her about my sexual past. I just dont have very high self esteem and I'm very mistrusting.

 

This is a horrible mess. Now the last week I've just completely turned into an uncontrollable moody guy.

 

I've been ignoring the miserable tension and anxiety over my social situation for so long. But its coming to a head- I'm really losing it now. And my girlfriend is so upset because my mood shifts massively every 30 minutes. She doesnt know whats wrong or what she can do about it.

 

I cant decide if I'm bored and miserable or I'm just insane. I'm so lost. I want to move and get out of here. But where can I go?

 

Also I have to give four months notice to quit my job in order to get a reference and my bonus.

 

Everythings up in the air and I dont know what I want from anything. I'm questioning eveerything. Nothing is secure-- my home, my job my relationship my sexuality my mind are all in constant flux. And I'm totally totally lost and in a deep dark hole.

 

I guess I'm venting. I guess I'm depressed and it may lift any moment. But I'm so exhauusted- I've been fighting the tide for 2 years since i arrived here.

 

I dont know what reply I want. Just some kind of objective view. Just to type all this out of myhead in the hope that when I wake tomorrow morning I wont feel more tired than when I went to sleep. I keep thinking- I have built the walls of my own prison. I'm a bitter, paranoid wreck and I'm so angry with no way to let it out.

 

Someone please help me!

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Wow happytown,

 

You seem to have a whole group of conflicting emotions at once,

 

You are confused about your sexual identity, gf, job, location, etc.

 

Have you thought about maybe telling someone how you feel,

 

Like your gf, if you are conflicted on your sexual identity,

 

She may be a good person to consult first,

 

I think the job and location stressors are related to your sexual identity,

 

You want a way out of your situation.

 

But first you must deal with what you feel deep down,

 

Are you maybe bisexual since you are predisposed to both woman and men?,

 

I would really think about how you feel,

 

Maybe go to an LGBT meeting somewhere and speak to one of their counselors,

 

I am sure they are anonymous, and they can give you some perspective.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

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I would avoid talking to the girlfriend personally for the time being, from your description of her, it doesn't sound like she would be one to really be able to emotionally support you. Her fear of your 'notoriety' would only grow if she felt she had to compete with *both* sexes.

 

In general, you just sound confused. You have a number of options laid out before you. They are all good. There are some terrific opportunities to explore and you are in a posiiton to take advantage of any number of them. The trick is, you are not allowing yourself to pick a path and follow it.

 

It sounds to me that you have fallen into the trap of analysis paralysis. You keep thinking instead of doing. Realize that you can always change your direction down the road. But, if you don't start taking some steps, you'll never get to a new place to begin with.

 

Try making some incremental changes and just *do* for a little while. I understand your sexuality struggles... but there again, you are trying to place a definitiion on something that may be indefinable. You are who you are. Right now, you are with a woman and it seems to be the right thing for you. If you fall in love with *people* regardless of their sex, then you can't really put a label on your sexuality...

 

Don't worry about what other people say or are likely to tell your girlfriend. If she can't accept that part of you, then she's not accepting you. Be yourself... there's really nothing wrong.

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Happytown, I think your main issue is your sexuality...I don't think it is necessarily the issue of her finding out or not. The root of the problem is your sexual confusion...

I can relate because I used to go out on dates with girls too...It was mainly my way of getting it all straight(no pun intended)inside of my head.

 

Do you think you might need to take some time out from the relationship? It seems like you have all of your problems and conflicts when you are inside a relationship. Maybe you need to take sometime out to get to know Happytown?

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You're not happy, it's like the center of every one of your troubles. Happiness. It's hard to find but easy to never let go once you have it. What makes you tick? What are the things you love?

 

You're in a new country, you have the comfort of a 6 month relationship with a girl you can't be totally honest with, and a past you are deeply affected by. But why? You had a relationship with a guy, and? So now you would like to find happiness and found freedom in a woman. Thats beautiful... if that's what your heart desires. I'm 26, I'm a woman. I've spent 8 years with women and now I'm trying to find a different path and connect with a man. My relationships were messy as well and yes there are times I run into old friends and I feel like crawling under a rock. But recently I've begun to see that every path is different in all of us. That every single thing we do makes us exactly who we are today... and we have a choice of making it positive or negative. I want to surround myself with people that love and embrace me for everything that I am... and cut the people out that don't. Or at least not offer them much of myself. It's not easy but its a choice that I have and that you have. I've lived in several cities over the past 10 years and while I've never been referred to as a foreignor I have however felt very much alone. I made a mental list of all the things I loved, no matter how simple and just explored those sides of me. I read a lot of books during those times. One of them was called "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. If we aren't truly satisfied in every situation or relationship then we are just "in the meantime."

 

You seem like you feel deeply and strongly and are very much in touch with your inner self... don't be afraid of anything, let go if you have to and find what makes you smile. Keep you head up because confidence just seeps out of us no matter how we truly feel on the inside. So you were with a guy... its just something that makes you YOU. And whether you fall for a woman or a man.. they will love every part of you. The truth will set you free, old saying but something to remember

 

I'm a rambler... and I speak in fragments. sorry. just offering objectivity.

 

namaste

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