Confused

[dreynolds]

How do you break the viscious cycle of meeting the wrong women, giving too much and then ending up destroyed by it when SHE ends it?

 

I recently met a woman and we really clicked - things were great. She was coming on very strong, rush rush - but it didn't feel wrong - we just went with the flow. I trusted her, got closer to her - let her in...I didn't fall in love, but I did love her. From one weekend to the next - she was gone. Told me her emotions were all over the place, she probably just had cold feet, that she would probably feel completely the opposite next week....but something felt like it was missing and she was scared...things moved too fast. She left me that day, and I have never heard from her again.

 

It has been over 2 weeks - my birthday has just passed - and not as much as a text message on my phone.

 

For whatever reasons, I don't know - but it leaves me destroyed inside - and that is what I don't understand. No, she wasn't the greatest thing since sliced bread - but I still cared a great deal about her. Now she's gone completely - and I'm the one left thinking "SHE walked away from ME?"....and feelings of being absolutely good for nobody.

 

Before I met her, I was fine - single, totally fine. I was in 2 relationships prior to meeting her and I was fine with those too - with them ending - or going nowhere. I've dated - no problems - I'm still me, and I know who I am. Now, after her - after goign through this with her - my entire world has been shaken up - and I just don't get it. Why her? Why is this happening after what I went through with her?

 

I"ve been through thtis sort of thing before - and Ive come back each and every time....but my question is what am I doing wrong? Why does it still feel like the be all end all - that I am so worthless to her, and to any woman I may meet? It doesn't get easier the mor eit happens - it just gets harder it feels....so what am I doing wrong? What am I not learning? What am I supposed to do?

[Jayar]

There are givers in life, and there are takers. Takers can be happy together, and givers can be happy together, but a giver will NEVER be happy with a taker. The taker will, naturally, be very happy with the giver's giving, but will move on when there's something better to take.

 

Make sense? Good...

 

Now, you, my friend, are a giver. It seems you're asking how you can stop giving and thereforeeee stop getting hurt. I feel when givers date takers too many times they themselves start to become takers (or at best neutral) because they don't want to be hurt. But how about this: Instead of asking how you can stop giving so you can stop being hurt, learn from this experience, move on, and keep giving until someone says "Thank You!"

 

Good luck!

[AvsFan]

Well, you're not alone. (hence the name of the website). But I'm going through the same sort of thing, except it's with my best friend. She says I started getting a little too clingy... I don't know if that's your problem, but it is for me. But being clingy is a turn-off to alot of women. I've lost alot of them because of it... But let me know if thats not the case.

[dreynolds]

That's just the thing - I thought we were both the same - givers.

When we first met, she tried so hard - too hard - I told her she didn't have to make such an effort, I enjoyed just being with her.

 

Little things - one conversation we had on the phone, she asked what attracts me to a woman. I said this and that - then mentioned how I liked a woman in a skirt or dress, casual, hair in a pony tail or tied back - just being specific. She laughed and said that wasn't her - she's a jeans girl, not into the dresses or wearing shorts and stuff....but then a week later she surprises me by picking me up at my place with a picnic packed, wearing a nice skirt and top, hair in a pony tail....it was just the little things..the effort. She rushed to my house to make me dinner one evening - because she was a bit late she was in such a rush - I'm telling her to slow down, relax, have a glass of wine and don't stress.

 

Things were fine - I thought WE were fine - she wanted me to meet her brothers, her sisters - telling me which ones we would be spendign time with over the others. Her parents....big family bbq....then after one great weekend up at my uncles cottage just the two of us - a few days pass and she is different. She's being cold to me - treated me like crap at the family BBQ..then the next day comes over to tell me she was confused, her emotions everything, feels something is missing, cold feet maybe, she wasn't going to say anythign to me because she just doesn't know....etc...and then out of my life she went.

 

No - i was not clingy - for sure. If anything, I made sure to give her space. She was the one complaining that I didn't want to spend time with her or see her because I had plans with friends or something. As fast as things were moving - I was tryign to keep a grasp of it all.

 

Then - poof, she's gone, just like that - and I'm left feeling like this.

[AvsFan]

No - i was not clingy - for sure. If anything, I made sure to give her space. She was the one complaining that I didn't want to spend time with her or see her because I had plans with friends or something. As fast as things were moving - I was tryign to keep a grasp of it all.

 

Then - poof, she's gone, just like that - and I'm left feeling like this.

 

 

 

Then do you think that you've given her too much space? Enough to make her feel "unwanted"?

[zippitt]

Sounds like you did not really have enough time to know her past, sounds like she had some baggage to me. Possibly and abusive ex, or an ex that was still lingering in the background. She obviously was in the wrong place at the wrong time as it seems she was generally interested in you but other things in her life were keeping her back.

 

Always be concerned about people taking things fast. I made a similar mistake when I knew something was up with this woman but I let things happen anyway. Things went south with me when she started pressuring me with kids and marriage after only dating a few months.

[dreynolds]

How can you spend all day, everyday with someone? That's not what either of us wanted. She said in the beginning - how in the past, she always stopped spending time with friends and stuff in a relationship - which she won't do again. Thing is - other than one friend, she has never made plans or done anythign with anybody.

 

I can only do so much - and she knows how much I cared about her...so if because I wasn't calling her every 10 minutes ended up ruining our relationship, i don't knwo what to say to that.

 

I didn't do anything wrong - as far as I'm concerned. We had plans to go places, do things, everythign was fine. We had a big trip planned for last week and this week - and she came to me to tell me she was scared to go on that trip, things moved too fast....her emotions were everywhere - maybe just cold feet. But then - poof - out of my life.

I sent her a text message 2 days later saying that I missed her very much - she didn't even bother replying. My sister actually talked to her as well - in an email - and she told my sister that she wasn't ending the relatoinships, that I was a great guy and she was emotionally all over the place - it wasn't fiar to me to keep me waiting while she went through this....So my sister replied and said that there was a huge misunderstanding then - because I understood that, but i also understood that she was ending our relationships - something I didn't expect. My sister said to her "you two need to talk - sit down and talk about all this because there is a huge misunderstanding here"....but she never called.

 

My sister told me about this email afterwards - because she couldn't believe she didn't call either. She told HER not to tell me that they spoke about this - which she promised....but I never heard from her...nothing. Not a phone call, text message, email, nothing....

[dreynolds]

I hear you, Zippit - and that was why I wasn't cautious about this situation with her.

 

We talked for a while at first - about both of our pasts. She had been single for over a year, because she needed that time to sort things out for herself. But now she was ready for a relationship - she knew that now. She talked as if she had her head on straight - her world together. thereforeeee - we went with it and everything was fine. Now - THis....

 

It makes me wonder just who she is - how much was an act..how much was real. I just don't u ndersatnd pushing me away the way she did - so far - so mean in doing so.

[Momene]

I think a lot of relationships seem like that. A common cause for a sudden change of heart is a 3rd party, possibly an ex returned to the scene.

 

I'd stop analyzing and move on, hard though it may seem.

 

Good luck.