Help!!! Is it possible after 12yrs of N.C.?

[scornandtorn]

I wish I would of found this website a long time ago (19 mo. separated, 10 mo. divorced). I know, the math does not = the thread title. You will see why at the end of this post.

 

My story in short.

 

I spent all of 2005 going through a bitter divorce from my second wife of 8 yrs. We had what I thought was a great marriage, but she really started disconnecting from me the last year we were together. I fell into the trap and tried to be understanding and supportive of her needs. She was on a emotional roller coaster, you know what I mean, the more you try to meet her needs and repair the marriage the worst it gets?

 

Nothing made sense, everything was my fault, she didnt feel we were in love anymore, she was not good enough for me, (insert other excuses here...) blah, blah, blah. We separated and she went to stay with a couple who were our good friends. I attempted to save the marriage, went to counceling on my own, read self help books, and prayed to God. Nothing helped and after one month separated, she filed for divorce.

 

You see, I travel frequently for my job and she always supported me 100% because it is my dream job that I seeked my entire life. Our outlook on it was this_ our time together is precious and we use it wisely. We werent in that everyday rut and every minute spent together was romantic, tender, and perfect. Never angry, just enjoying our love for each other. When I was gone she would spend her time with another couple who were our best friends. I was so glad she wasnt always at home alone and really enjoyed there friendship.

 

We were equal partners in our marrige and I had total trust in her. Yeah, you guessed it, she was having an affair with the other husband, my friend!

 

After the divorce was final last Nov. I immediately declared N.C., changed my cell number, blocked her email, etc. She was very angry but I dont care. I lost my wife, my friends, and have been financially devistated. But I dont have to hear the lies anymore.

 

Here is where the thread title comes in to play. After our initial seperation I picked up one those self help books. It suggested I contact an old friend from the past, they would be glad to hear from me and will try to comfort me. The person I contacted I havent spoke to in 12 yrs. She was my first wife. Sure I used to be in love with her, but she was also my best friend. I found out her number and called. Me "Do you know who this is?" Her " oh my god I cant believe this is happening. Ive missed you so much." You see she was very receptive when I reached out to her. We already know each other on that level and she knows I am a good husband. We are now best friends after reconnecting a year and half ago. Sure I was needy, but am conscious that I could easily fall in love with her all over again, but am happy also just having her in my life again as a friend. Dont know what I would of done without her during those rough times.

 

 

Need your feed back, Thanks.

[DN]

I would enjoy the friendhip and see where it leads you. Sometimes a reconnection can work. Just be careful that you are not reaching out to her just for comfort.

[southerngirl]

Like DN said, a friendship is great. What I would like to point out is that in over 10 years a person can really change. So get to know her all over again.

 

Why did you split up in the first place?

[rose2summer]

I think it's great that she was so receptive to you,

 

My concern, however, are you JUST seeking friendship from her,

 

Or are you hoping that romantic feelings will rekindle?,

 

I usually don't see that people really change even after 12yrs,

 

The core of the individual usually remains the same,

 

Definitely enjoy your friendship but take great caution if you plan on getting closer,

 

Watch for red flags!

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi scornandtorn,

 

After my breakup with my gf of 3 years, my ex wife and I are on speaking terms. It is mostly about our 16 year old daughter, but we do talk about the old times, what has happened since our divorce (5 years ago), and the future.

 

I also wonder sometimes if we could ever get back together. Some in my family and some in her family think that it might happen. I don't know. I'm not sure if my daughter or I need all the drama of her coming back. See, she would have to break it off with the man she left me for. I really don't think about this too much, but it does pop in my mind from time to time. Especially when I need some support when I have to discipline our daughter.

 

So, I have to be careful and think about how far I've come since my divorce and my most recent breakup. I just don't think I can deal with the drama that would come from her. Again, that's my situation and my feedback.

 

Thanks and Good Luck!

becuzitwasfun

[scornandtorn]

bcuzitwasfun,

 

I appreciate your comments. I am glad neither of my marriages produced any children. Thats a whole different story. I think its great for you to maintain some type of relationship with your ex wife, at least for your daughters sake. If it grows to more than that in the future good on ya. Everything happens for a reason.

 

For me, I am truly content having her back in my life as a close friend. I have always loved her and always will, but I am thankful she is close to me at whatever level we are both comfortable with. If that is all we are I am happy, if it evolves into more great, but I am glad to have my best friend back.

 

scornandtorn

[moonflowers]

Here's an article from Psychology Today that might be relevant to your question:

 

link removed

 

Apparently, it seems that reignited flames burn longer and better than new ones. So yes, it is entirely possible after 12 yrs of NC; in fact, it might be even more likely that way - the more time spent apart, the more you have had a chance to let whatever it was that broke you up in the first place fade away.

 

That being said, it would be good to take it slowly, enjoy the friendship, and let it develop into something else - if it is meant to be, it will not suffer from the wait. Best wishes for you.

[scornandtorn]

Thank you for your insight, it is very inspirational. I read the article and it was inline with my situation. I am taking it slowly (17 months) and just enjoying her friendship. Dont have any expectations just happiness that she is back in my life.

[scornandtorn]

I think it's great that she was so receptive to you,

 

My concern, however, are you JUST seeking friendship from her,

 

Or are you hoping that romantic feelings will rekindle?,

 

I usually don't see that people really change even after 12yrs,

 

The core of the individual usually remains the same,

 

Definitely enjoy your friendship but take great caution if you plan on getting closer,

 

Watch for red flags!

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

 

 

Hey Rose

 

The thing is, I dont want her to change, I love her for who she is now and who she was then. Sure I hope it will grow into something more, but I am aware that it may not. Which will be ok, because at the minimum I have reunited with my best friend. I am just thankful she is there for me at what ever level she decides and I will not push it any farther.

 

She really is a great person and right now she is my angel.