I don't know why I get depressed

[Rickster]

I wasnt sure whether I would post this here or in the personal growth forums. But it had to do with a breakup to start it off. Basically, after my ex dumped me I was depressed about it for a year, basically mourning about it for a year. After that, and a few months of NC here and there (I broke NC occasionally and felt better about it), I finally came to my senses and understood things, and gave in to what my ex wanted (to let her go). I fully understand the situation, and if I could prevent the breakup I would have done so, and I do regret my actions, but I know I can't change it.

 

Its been a year and a half after the break up, and I finally managed to talk to my ex and to chat for the first time about our feelings during the breakup and we both understood what happened in each other's views. Im glad that we had that conversation, because for once I understand her, and for once I feel that Ive explained my actions to her and that she understands me now. I don't deny I miss her. She's changed me to become a better person, and for the first time in my life I managed to show my feelings that I normally keep for myself.

 

Recently, I have been feeling bored most of a the time. Im not sure of the actual reason. I have interest in computers and soccer. I play soccer with my college friends once a week and fix up my computer as a hobby, but it's an expensive hobby so I can't do too much of it. Despite doing all this, I still feel bored. When I do these activities for some reason I start getting bored aswell. I don't have a sense of direction in my life and Im living it day by day, letting the days control me. I don't know what I ultimately want, no goals, no objectives, no mission, no future. Im in university now and I hate it. I have few friends as Ive always had in my life, and I only speak and visit my best friend from high school almost every weekend, and I guess it's the only time when my mind is drawn away from boredom. I don't even know what I want a career in. I started talking to this girl, in university and aswell as on the phone, but I feel that I cannot accept her personality, and thus I cannot accept her being more than friends. I have no religion, and I don't plan on getting one, I feel quite lazy most of the time to carry out religious duties, though friends have asked me to go for service in their "charismatic"(sp) church, I did go, and I didn't enjoy it too much. I don't know what excites me now. Life is dull and boring.

 

I think I took the break up quite badly. I think it started this boredom I have and it slowly carried on.

 

Sorry I can't write properly, I type my mind. I had to start this thread, I felt I was getting out of hand.

[rose2summer]

Rick,

 

You are going through a mild form of depression,

 

I would seek therapy to work out what is going on,

 

In terms of your future, you are taking a very passive role,

 

You live on a day to day basis without much direction,

 

Your first step is to take an active role in your life,

 

Research into careers, does your university have a career center?,

 

You should talk to a mentor there and see what interests you,

 

I have found in my own life that when I have a goal or destination,

 

I am so excited about my life,

 

You need to have some direction, what would make you happy,

 

Once you figure that out, I assure you, life will be very exciting,

 

Because you have SOMETHING to look forward to.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[Rickster]

I think Im going through a mild depression as a matter of fact. Well, the only thing that Ive achieved in the past was in accounting, and I think Im doing that because it's the only thing which Ive done good in, but I don't neccessarily like it, it's kind of a 50-50 thing. Ive kind of lost the mood to carry on studies. My sister has got goals in her life, and she plans to do a doctrate degree. Sometimes I envy her because of this. Relatives talk on about her and stuff. Im 18 at the moment, and I have to think about my goals, Im worried Ill be stuck in the future if I dont take it seriously now. I had this double degree in mind earlier, but Im planning to scrap that plan since it requires me to go overseas. And frankly speaking, I just despite going overseas after my breakup with my ex (its a long story). I have this phobia after the breakup and since then when I go for holidays I feel afraid to stay there too long.

 

Maybe it's got something to do with lonliness? The reason why I started talking to this girl in university was because I felt bored and lonely, but I stopped talking to her because I find that contacts her most of the time and she doesnt do the same. I felt that she was the one that I could contact outside university, however, its not the case.

 

Maybe I suffer from some sort of personality disorder. I did this personality test, and it described me as having a schizoid personality. I did some research on this and basically it says that I like to stay away from crowds and don't like to participate much. Which is quite true. I do like to keep away from people and thats why I always had a small circle of friends. Im kind of a loner to think about it. My ex didnt quite like the non-participation part of me, although I tried to fix it and managed to accomplish it in certain areas. Maybe the reason why I dont have goals is because I dont have to care much about anything now. I dont know, Im quite confused.