My jealousy

[Endofmytether]

Hi All

 

Im new to this forum and not sure if this is the right place to post.

Anyway, I'm writing this as an exercise to somehow communicate to the world what I'm going through, and maybe to have some other peoples views, and possibly to knock some sense in to me.

Im a 27 year old guy, I have my own company which is doing great, am told I am attractive, physically and emotionally. I have loads of friends, and I'm seen to be the life and soul of a party.

But everyday is a struggle, and somedays the struggle seems to much to bear.

I am on anti-depressants, I am seeing a counsellor, and I try to pull myself out of the slumps, but it is so so hard.

I am in the the second serious relationship of my life, and the same destructive pattern which ended my first relationship, with my first true love, is happening all over again.

I am jealous. Big wow you are probably thinking, loads of people are. But for some reason, yet to be discovered through counselling, I am insanely jealous. On the outside, I hide it well, but internally, my life is a walking nightmare, and everywhere I see threats.

 

To give some background, my partner and I are going out three years now, the first of which was wonderful, the latter two have being going downhill due to my jealousy taking over, just as it did my first relationship of four years, again the first of which was amazing...

What are my fears? That my partner will leave me for another man? Not really, I know she loves me. That my partner will have an affair? Nope, I really dont think she is interested in that, and I fully trust her.

So what then am I so worried about!?

The answer is that I am worried about my partner noticing and appreciating good looking men. Big deal you might think, but for some reason her noticing them kills me inside. Just seeing mens faces I can barely handle, bodies is a nightmare, and for some unknown reason, if she sees another mans penis, I can have panic attacks and struggle to breath, my stomach heaves and I get sick, I sweat and sometimes I come close to feinting.

Again, the strange thing is I do not have a small penis, so I am not worried about that either.

 

My fear is that my partners interest levels rise when she sees a good looking man, or worse still a naked man, and that she 'checks them out'.

I guess I want to be the only man that she is interested in, not just in being with but also looking at.

 

My partner does say she does not check men out, but that its only natural that she notices if a guy is good looking, or if she notices a nice body on a beach, but she assures me she does not stare and check out.

She also says that she has no interest in looking at a mans penis, but that if one was on tv she would notice as its not something you commonly see.

Even the thoughts of her seeing a Mans penis as I write this has my stomach in ribbons....

 

My life is a living nightmare because of the world in which we live in. Everywhere we go - shopping, the beach, a park, the cinema, even a doctors office with magazines in reception, I panic at all the men and dangers i see- Is there a Man getting changed behind a towel on the beach? Is there a half naked man in a magazine? What movie does she want to see, what is the rating on it or does it have sex scenes or a good looking man? Even at a friends house the other day, looking thru photos there were a few dodge ones of a lads holiday, I had to leave because of the fear that a penis might be visible, through shorts or naked...

I cant live like this anymore, I want to let go if it but for some reason it hangs on, its like its a control that is trying to keep me safe but no longer works and is doing more harm than good

 

One thing that could help is if there is any women reading this (still at this point!), if they could let me know the thought patterns that go through their heads when they see a mans penis. If they are in a solid relationship too, that would help to know. Are they interested, do they stare? Do they check out the size, does it really mean anything to them?

If I see a naked woman on tv, to be honest I'm not that interested, sure I notice and might think they look good or not, but I dont stare or leer.

But maybe thats because its more commonplace than a penis?

 

If any other men have similar fears ( or is this so weird Im on my own) Id love to hear from you.

 

Thanks for reading this, happy to receive any advice.

Yours, in need.

[mmd]

sounds like serious problem... sounds like a phobia, well first off welcome to the forums and that you've come to the right place.

 

Well first off, yes women will notice good looking guys. But to them it mean nothing much than just another guy who seems to have better qualities than the average person. But SHE LOVES YOU all your qualities..

 

"I know she loves me. That my partner will have an affair? Nope, I really dont think she is interested in that, and I fully trust her."

 

Other men mean nothing to her you mean EVERYTHING to her, you are attractive and you have lasted 4 years which is amazing so far. The other men she notices means nothing she only "notices" them Im sure the same for you, you would notice attractive women im sure. Just relax... They mean NOTHING to her. And if she sees a penis? whats the worry? shes got YOU and she would not care... Maybe your issue is above what im saying but I hope this helps and did not offend u in any way...

[Strictly4MyGrind]

I am not as old as you. I am not as wise as you. We are completely diffrent proberly. But i have exactly the same problem.

 

I was with a girl whom i loved so deeply so much, first everything was okay, but soon my jealousy started taking over, i become so obsessed that even when my ex g/f talked to i would be depressed and depressed, i would act like i wasnt but after a while she knew all to well.

 

It wasnt that i never trusted her i trusted her fully, i just didnt trust the guys. I dont know what it was even her lookin at a guy made me feel a little sick. And if she complimented (sp?) someone i would nearly cry. I dont know what it is, maybe that im insecure? But i am not normally.

 

Well my advice is try something anything to control it, anything because it will destroy what you have. It destroyed the best thing i had in my life ever. And i reep what i sow (sp??).

 

So please try and control your jealousy, i found the best thing was taking to my ex about it she reassured me and made me calm down. But in the end i lost everything i ever had. Her.

 

But im not sayng that will happen to you!! Your jealously can be controlled, just remember how much you love her and how much you want to be with her, and that you WILL NOT let your stupid jealousy get in the way.

 

I was scarred that another guy might steal my girl away from me, but in the end my own jealous stole her away.

[rose2summer]

I personally do NOT check out other men at all,

 

If I am in a relationship, I keep my focus forward,

 

Of course, if I am talking a man at work, I keep steady eye contact,

 

But my eyes stay at his eye level and don't veer elsewhere,

 

If she isn't blatantly checking out other men,

 

It's definitely a jealousy problem,

 

Have you tried anti-anxiety meds instead of just anti-depressants,

 

I know that some patients can get prescibed a beta-blocker,

 

To calm down nerves, beta blockers are usually prescribed for high blood pressure,

 

But have worked great for those individuals who have anxiety,

 

And it seems you have anxiety with your SO,

 

Maybe check that out and work on loving yourself,

 

I am sure that you are great,

 

Keep reminding yourself that and that your SO is lucky to have you,

 

In response to your question about a man's penis,

 

I don't care the size or anything,

 

As long as a guy has good hygeine,

 

Woman are not peering at men's penises,

 

Like men peer at women's breasts.

 

Cheers,

 

Rose

[nmduipd]

What are my fears? That my partner will leave me for another man? Not really, I know she loves me. That my partner will have an affair? Nope, I really dont think she is interested in that, and I fully trust her.

So what then am I so worried about!?

The answer is that I am worried about my partner noticing and appreciating good looking men.

 

My fear is that my partners interest levels rise when she sees a good looking man, or worse still a naked man, and that she 'checks them out'.

I guess I want to be the only man that she is interested in, not just in being with but also looking at.

I can relate to this only too well!

 

To answer your questions:

I may not be typical example of the 'female species', but when I'm in love I really don't notice other men. I don't even notice if they look good or not. Only if someone points out a guy, I would pay attention to the details and make a 'judgment' – good looking or not. It ends there.

 

Someone on this forum once said that all men become sexless to her when in love.

That pretty much describes how I feel.

The way I look at other men changes totally when I'm in love.

 

When I see a penis it doesn't mean anything to me. Don't get me wrong, for me size does matter, but I simply cannot look at a penis 'detached' from his owner. If I'm not interested in the 'owner', penis itself means nothing.

 

I was wondering, if you knew your gf reacted to other men in the same way you react to other women, would that calm you down or only aggravate your jealousy?

 

I'm not saying you are like that, but some men, who find themselves attracted to other women, project their feelings to their SO and get jealous of the idea that their partners may feel the same attraction they are feeling. (same goes for women, of course)

 

(On the bright side, things would be even worse if you were a women with the same problem – with all this half-naked women everywhere and men telling us they are 'visual creatures, biologically hardwired to look and to be attracted to other women' )

[HollyTN]

I know exactly how you feel. Im a 24 year old female and get literally sick to my stomach over the same things. But honestly I dont think anything of seeing a mans penis. The only one that I care to see at all is my husband's.I love my husband very much and my focus is very much on him. Women dont look at men the same way men look at women.In my opinion or what seems to be the majoity of women are more into the feelings in a relationship. I know how you are feeling and it is pure hell. If you are thinking about marrying or staying with her it would probably help to have some couples counseling. Maybe that could give you a better insight to how she thinks and at the same time she can better understand your feelings.

[want2bhappy]

hello, i am new to this site but looks like i'm right where i need to be... like you, i am SUPER jealous! I am dating a man who just came out of a 15 yr marriage. i definitely consider myself prettier than his x but i am still jealous!! he has to go by there to get the kids or drop them off & it puts a knot in my stomach!! let me tell you from my female viewpoint about the penis issue....i personally don't think they are an attractive part of a man's body. i think when a woman is in love with a man, she doesn't care to see anything like that! i am totally in love with the man i'm dating! i may notice that a man looks better than another one but i don't care. i have no thoughts of them other than hmmm. you sound like you're a very dedicated person as am i...so why in the world are we still so jealous. like you, i get that awful feeling in my stomach when i know he's going to be around another woman that is the least bit attractive!! i have been told that i am pretty & he makes me feel beautiful but i can't get past feeling jealous all the time. if he goes to play golf with his friends, i'm SO afraid there will be a woman there who might be attractive. WTH?? i want to get to the point where my boyfriend is-he doesn't worry about anything-as he shouldn't! i am totally in love with him-now, if i can just see that he feels the same about me, i'll be good! so, as you can see, i'm totally jealous like you-i'm hoping this site will knock some sense into me before i push away the best thing that has ever happened to me! good luck! maybe we'll talk again soon!