My still bleeding wounds have been torn open further...

[ataurusguy]

Hello everyone,

 

I've only posted one topic on this forum, and received useful feedback from some empathic and helpful people. Now, certain events have been revealed to me, and I need to try and work through them with your help.

 

My girlfriend of over 3 1/2 years left me in January 2006. I could only cope with the suffocating loneliness of my breakup until May 06', when I decided I needed to move back to my homecountry (Greece). I pretty much left my whole life, as I know it, behind me. I have been here now for 3 months and I am trying to put my life back together. To say the least, it is a very slow and very painful process.

 

Last night, I discovered something that is causing me distress that can not be fully described with words. I found out that she visited Greece this summer (we have the same ethnic background) and was here for at least a month, during which she was ceaselessly trying to contact me. I verified this by looking at my caller list over the past month and noticed about 50 calls from a private caller, which I now know was her. I frequently don't answer my phone because of the blues, and private callers don't allow for the luxury of returning the call at a later time. But would I, and should have I answered the phone had I known it was her?

 

We have not spoken even once since our breakup and it confuses me beyond belief as to why she was so persistent to get in touch with me this summer. My mind is destroyed by thoughts that I have missed my chance to rekindle a relationship with the one person I have ever had true feelings for. At the same time, I know that a relationship is like a beautiful vase and once it is shattered, it will never be the same no matter how carefully you try to piece it back together.

 

I can not stop thinking about what she wanted to tell me. I really can't. This shows me that 8 months has done nothing in the way of healing my gaping wounds. If anything, this whole ordeal has caused my pain to deepen. Did she want closure? (It is true that she didn't leave me in the most tactful of ways). Or did she wan't to attempt rebuilding the bridges between us? (She did say that leaving me may turn out to be the biggest mistake she ever made).

 

More importantly, what do I want? If I am honest with myself, I know that I still love her, and I always will. She was my first real love. That same honesty, however, tells me that it can never work again between us. (She didn't cheat on me or leave me for another guy, but said that I simply didn't meet her needs anymore, although I tried and gave my very best for her. It is that inherent feeling of failure and inadequacy that she made me feel towards myself that prevents me from ever seeing myself with her again. I was truly offended).

 

I find that my imagination gets carried away often, and I frequently wonder about what could have been, had fate taken a different course. I wonder about why she wanted to speak to me so badly this summer.

 

I know I have not come far in my healing process, but now, everything has come to a grinding halt. I sit and ask myself why I hold these broken shards in my hands. Am I reluctant to throw them away, because they signify what another poster referred to as "the death of a dream", or do I hold on to them because deep inside, I want to rebuild my shattered vase?

 

What do I do now? If I could work through these thoughts and reach some kind of conclusion, I would consider such an event to be divine intervention at this point. Be well.

[DN]

Does she have your address or is there another way of contacting you other than by phone?

 

If there is, then I think if she really wanted to get in touch with you then she would have tried another method.

[ataurusguy]

Yes, DN, she does have my address here and she has been in my home here more than once for vacations. You are right that she could have used other methods to contact me. Probably more correct would be to say it the way you did: "if she really wanted to get in touch with me, then she would have tried another method". Still, I wonder why she followed up on her attempts when she returned home (interestingly enough, to Ontario, Canada) by calling my aunt, with whom she had a close relationship. She called my aunt on the first or second day of her return and told her how she tried to contact me many times while she was in Greece this summer, but could not get a hold of me. Is this simply a guilty and half-hearted attempt at seeing how i've been doing, or was it a genuine attempt to contact me (50 calls...), but shame and embarrassement prevented her from trying more face to face methods, like visiting me? I kind of wish I knew.

[DN]

Did she tell your aunt why she wanted to contact you? If she has a close relationship with her it seems strange that your aunt either doesn't know or didn't tell you.

[ataurusguy]

I don't know the details of their conversation either, DN. Last night, my uncle called from canada and told me that my ex contacted his wife (my aunt) and told her she was in Greece and how she tried to get in touch with me. I know her attempts seem completely half-hearted, but maybe that was her way of reaching out to me. I don't know. I wish I did.

[rose2summer]

I think that you are holding onto a hope,

 

That has already left long ago,

 

She may be contacting you for her own selfish reasons,

 

Are you hoping to get back together?,

 

Would anything be different this time if you did?,

 

People rarely change their inner core,

 

If as you say her attempts are half-hearted,

 

Why subject your heart to a half-hearted attempt at rekindled love?

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[Nikki23]

Hiya, read through your post, do you not have a mobile no. or email address for her? xx

[DN]

If your need to know what she wanted outweighs the potential disappointment if it turns out she doesn't want to get back with you then I think you should call her and find out.

 

Saying that you know a reconciliation would not work is true - but only from your present perpective. Should the chance actually occur you may think differently.

 

But whatever you do - guard your heart and think rationally as well as emotionally. Emotions tell us what we want, rational thought tells us if we can get it or should be trying.

[ataurusguy]

rose2summer,

 

i know very well that i am holding onto a hope that has left long ago. everyday is a battle where i try to convince myself that there is a purpose to all this. i know there is one, but right now i am to damaged to see it. life goes on and i must move on aswell. i just feel pretty empty right now. i really don't know if i will ever come full circle. i hope i do. that is why i visit sites like this. i always believed that i was born to love once, and only once did i ever really love. this belief is part of my problem. after my heart was torn from my chest, i feel the collateral damage done was robbing me of my ability to love again. i truly hope i am wrong. until i figure everything out and find my heart again, i must suffer the phantom pains it left behind. thanks for your response.

[chattymcchatterson]

I wouldnt say you havent made progress as you are quite clear that you know and remember that this relationship was broken. That she did not make you feel good about yourself, and you didnt work together. I think the shock of hearing about her trying to contact you (pretty half heartedly, when you stop and think about it though) is causing these thoughts to swirl around your head.

 

You will never fully understand someone elses motives. Maybe while in Greece she was flooded with memories herself and wsa looking for that connection as well. A mometary fleeting connection if she did not take it further.

 

You will come full circle and you will learn from this. I promise you this. There is no set amount of time, there is no magic recipe of cure. No one is born to love once. We change throughout our lives and I believe we find the people that match us at that next stage of our life.

 

Dont give up hope for a happy loving life. Give up hope for reviving a relationship that was broken, that vase will never be the same.

 

Now sit up, go have yourself some Ouzo and continue to heal!

[ataurusguy]

DN,

thanks for the advice. in this situation, "potential diappointment" is not a factor, because my diappointment meter is already totally maxed out. it is impossible to be disappointed further. i know this site is all about maintaining non contact with exes, and so far i have not caved in over 8 months. the urge to contact her is very strong right now, simply to hear what caused her to make 50 calls in less than a month. if i do, i know i will have failed myself. i know i will be exposing my wounds for further injury. i know nothing ideal can come of it. maybe i must feel more pain to know that this is my reality reality; to learn and grow from it. to stop living in the past. it may be, in the end, that i was put here to know the face of failure and learn to despise it. only then, parched with failure, will i pick myself up and truly thirst for success with another soul.

[ataurusguy]

thanks for the encouraging words, chattymcchatterson. may your path ahead be well lit. i drink ouzo for you! be well.

[ataurusguy]

well everyone,

 

i did not have to personally break non contact with my ex because she finally got a hold of me. talking to her was painful but cathartic. she was like a cold block of granite. the only emotion she showed was anger. she was upset that i have not yet moved on and she could tell this from my voice. i did not bother telling her in my own words how i felt, and simply answered her questions factually. i gave her no guilt trip, although any hu(man) in my position probably would have. the tone of her voice and the cold distance therein told me that it is not worth it. the ship has sailed for good. i know how to swim, so it is up to me to stop drowning. thanks everyone and be well.

[Tshwane]

dnt worry, u'll get through this. She's cold and selfish, you deserve someone better.

[chattymcchatterson]

I am glad you have the closure you were seeking. I hope this makes things clearer, if not easier for you. Good luck.

[joyce1412]

i did not have to personally break non contact with my ex because she finally got a hold of me. talking to her was painful but cathartic. she was like a cold block of granite. the only emotion she showed was anger. she was upset that i have not yet moved on and she could tell this from my voice. i did not bother telling her in my own words how i felt, and simply answered her questions factually. i gave her no guilt trip, although any hu(man) in my position probably would have. the tone of her voice and the cold distance therein told me that it is not worth it. the ship has sailed for good. i know how to swim, so it is up to me to stop drowning. thanks everyone and be well.

 

DAMN. what was her reason for calling you, then? and i don't understand why she's angry with you for "not moving on." weren't YOU the one who got hurt?

 

i'm really sorry talking to her was such a letdown. you didn't need that. i wonder why she tried to call so many times if she clearly had nothing important to say? after reading your first few posts i figured she would have been calling to ask to get back with you. wow...

 

i'm so sorry. this girl is cold.