Toughest decision i'll probably ever make.

[heartbreakhell]

OK, i'll try to make this as short as possible

 

I met this guy, (let's call him J) about 2 years ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off straight away, after about 2 months of becoming really close friends, he asked me out and we were soon a couple.

 

He was honestly the most amazing person i've ever met, i've never trusted, got on, felt for or loved someone this much before. He was my rock, we were best friends aswell as a couple and i couldn't see my life without him. I think he too felt the same way about me, we were just perfect together, talked about the future with each other, he always told me he couldn't wait to marry me and that i was the one for him etc etc.

 

Ok, so after about 15 months (ish) of being together, we started to go through a rocky patch, constantly arguing over the most stupid things, falling out, ignoring each other, fighting etc. However, i was still madly in love with him and we both admitted that we loved each other, but we should go on a BREAK to clear our heads and start a fresh.

 

OK, so the break lasted about 2 weeks, i heard from him a few times in those 2 weeks, which was hard to get used to because i was used to him txting me all the time and phoning me to see how i was. But there was nothing.

 

So one afternoon (during the break) i was on an instant messenger and was talking to one J's friends, who let it slip that J had created a new e-mail and was using it to contact everyone other than me. I was a bit hurt by this but hey, maybe it was just part of the break. The next day i find out he's been introduced to some of his mates friends and they were all going to the cinemas together. One of these mates being a new girl, we'll call her Em.

Story goes that the break ended but he said "we didn't feel right together anymore" and he broke up with me.

 

We stopped talking for about 3 months of which i suffered from serious depression, stopped eating and constantly cried myself to sleep at night because i just can't find it in myself to stop loving him. (i really wish i could) i tried to talk to him, phone him but he tells me he doesn't want to speak to me and that we're not gonna be together again.

 

A few months later he gets in touch with me, telling me he wants to see me. He invites himself around to my house, and tells me that he still loves me but things are "difficult at the moment" and he just needs time to sort things out before he works on us again. He starts to come round my house more often and we end up having sex. He tells me it isn't wrong, why should it be when we're going to get back together. (Yes i was probably very stupid to believe this.)

 

So we have sex, then that night he lets it slip that his mates are "pressuring him" to go out with Em and that he doesn't know what to do. The day after this he goes to his mates party (i didn't know about this i found out from one of his friends). They all get drunk and i find out that he shared a bed with Em and kissed her that night. I ofcourse, break down but eventually decide that i'm better off without him.

 

 

Recently (the last week) i've found out from a few of his mates that he's told them all that he regrets waht he did with Em and it was because he was drunk and he cant even remember kissing her. His friends took photos of him that night and showed them to him the next day.

I also find out that he's told Em that he doesn't want to be with her and that he's still in love with me. He hardly talks to her anymore and he's told his mates that he's going to be with "me or nobody because i was the love of his life"

 

 

I REALLY do not know what to do. Yes, i love him and yes i am probably stupid for doing so. But he is not going away, he phones me every day to tell me that he loves me, he says he'll wait for me forever no matter how long it takes and that he refuses to ever be or ever love anyone else again. He told me that he knows what he did was wrong and he regrets splitting with me in the first place. He said he wants a future with me and me only and all his friends have been told so.

 

I don't know what to do, the thing is, he is starting to college and Em is going to be there and i don't think i'm going to be able to trust him while she's there. Maybe the paranoia will be too much.

 

I don't think i can ever forgive him for what he's done but i don't think he's going to give up till he gets me back. Do i give him one last chance purely because i'm stupid enough to still love him or move on and forget him? I keep finding reasons to fall out with him purely because what he's done is haunting me and turning me bitter.

[RayKay]

To me, it sounds like he really is not interested in this other girl, so I would take out of your factoring in process that they will be at the same college. Because the fact is, that our partners will always be around many others, that does not mean they are interested or are going to cheat - not if they don't want too!

 

I think you have to ask yourself if you really want to be with him, or not. If you do, you have to work TOGETHER to come back together. Yes, it would not be easy to deal with the hurt of being broken up with, but if he seriously does want to be with you, you need to work together.

 

It to me sounds like he knows he made a mistake in ending it and wants to try again, if you will allow it. This does happen time to time - one of the Royal Members here had her bf break things off - she moved out and everything, they both worked on their own issues, and they came back together in time and are doing very well since!

 

But, if you feel you cannot forgive what happened, and are going to remain resentful towards him, and bitter, you DO need to move on, and let him know firmly that you are moving on without him. Because unless you are ready to let go of that resentment and move on ahead together, it is only unfair to both of you to "try" when your heart and mind are not really in it 100%.

[heartbreakhell]

Wow...thank you so much. I do love him and i guess the best thing i can do right now is just try to make it work, or else i'll probably never know.

 

I'll just have to deal with my own issues myself and see what happens.

 

But thank you, you've really helped put a lot of things into perspective, i was feeling really unsure.

[RayKay]

I would not deal with them all yourself, I would communicate with him that you DO feel a bit "hesitant" but love him, and are willing to try working together on this to rebuild the relationship.

 

It's important that you both together address the issues that broke you up in the first place, maybe he "lost is feelings" but WHY? Was it because you both took one another for granted? Was it because the fighting eroded the relationship? In those cases, some good doses of learning to communicate better, and to take the time together to nourish the relationship will do a lot of good. Of course, there could be other reasons you need to discuss, and decide how to address them and solve them as you start "fresh".

[heartbreakhell]

Yeah it definitely was the fighting that destroyed the relationship. We were so used to being in each other's pockets every day that we began to take each other for granted.

 

Perhaps being at separate colleges, will turn out to be for the best and diminish the boredom that occurred because we were together almost every day.

[tylercdurden2004]

they both worked on their own issues

 

 

This is so key to any kind of reconcilliation if its to happen.

[caring person]

If he says he is sorry for what happened in the past and is willing to grow up and change, then yes, forgive and give him a chance. But if time goes by and you see that he continues to drink alcohol too much and he still goes weeks without keeping in touch, then he doesn't love you. I mean, do you want your babies to grow up like him? Does he love his friends more than you?

If his behavior is still immature, find yourself a nice man that would make a good future father and let your old boyfriend keep going to the outback where he'll end up like crocodile dundee's bar friends, lonely (except for each other) and drunk.

[heartbreakhell]

yeah, i guess the only thing i can do is talk everything out with him and mutually decide what's going to happen. I'll explain the issues i have with the jealousy and see what his response is but i know that it's up to me personally to get rid of them.

 

Thanks for your advice

[Momene]

I'm inclined to be VERY cautious about proceeding and going to separate colleges is in th elong term likely to do more harm than good, especially if you're in the UK.

 

I wish you luck, as I think you'll need it.