Please tell me, Am I crazy for staying?

[strawberry]

Hi all. Ok, this is a very sensitive story, but I really need all of your help. I need to know if Im crazy and doing the wrong thing.

Ok, so I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I actually just moved to Chicago to live with him (big step). Anyway, hes a year older than me and we went to college together. He actually spent a year in France while we were together - so obv. I think we have a pretty strong relationship. About 2 years ago, (4 months after he got back from France) I felt that he was acting strange (standoffish, not very interested in me) so I decided to do some investigating. I knew it was wrong, but I guessed his password to his email to check things out. Turns out, I found all these emails to and from this girl, Ola, in France. The ones he wrote to her were really intense, saying he loved her, couldnt wait to see her again etc. Hers were def. more intense, but STILL. I felt awful...I mean it seemed as though (or at least it looked like) he had been cheating on me since the beg. of our relationship. So, I told him everything, what I found etc. He got very defensive cause he thought I was breaking up w/ him. But I told him I would listen. He told me he met her in France yes, and she became obsessed w/ him. He admitted to cheating on me w/ her once when they first met but that they never had sex. (and I cant really be that upset b/c I also cheated on him w/ my exboyfriend). He told me she kept coming by uninvited, writing him emails. Apparenty, according to him, he tried to stop writing back to her, and she would then just show up at his apt. so he said he was just appeasing her so she would be calm and leave him alone. (they didnt live by each other). OK so I decided to believe him, even though the whole story seemed sketch. He then wrote her an email (I saw it) telling her to stop writing him and he didnt actually love her etc. It took a long time, but I got over it.

Soo, 2 years later (now) I felt as though this whole situation was behind me. Well (1st you need to know, I have lots of self-esteem issues). When my b/f, Brian, acts weird or is always "busy" I start to think hes cheating on me (maybe b/c of the whole previous situation.) Anyway, so I was cleaning our room, and there was a suspitious folder in the top drawer (I have never seen it.) So, being sketch I started to look through it, and in the back was this 6 page letter to Ola. My heart sank. He said everything in the letter that Ive always wanted him to say to me. "I love you more than life. I would kill for you. My heart is lost without you in my life" bla bla bla. So, of course at that moment, I decided he was an * * * * * * *, and a LIAR. But of course, I needed to talk to him about it.

He comes home from work and I led him into the bedroom. Before I even told him what was wrong, he said, "your upset because of the blue letter right?" Apparenty, or so he says, he wrote that and planted it there b/c he knew I was spying on him (which I was). He wanted me to feel hurt b/c he says he feels hurt everyday b/c I dont trust him. I dont think I buy it, but I dont know. I mean, why would he bring up such a sensitive issue just to hurt my feelings? Doesnt that seem a little far fetched? OH and this is the kicker. I also found a Chistmas card from her in polish. I showed him and he said he doesnt even remember receiving that and he doesnt even speak polish. He said she must have got his new address from Whitney (a mutual friend they have in France).

I just dont get it. I mean, hes lying right? But then I think to myself, why would he leave that letter there where I would clearly find it, I live there! I sleep 3 feet away from where that letter was. Also, hes always telling me how much he loves me, wants me, etc. So I dont think he doesnt love me. I truly asked him to: I said, Brian I really want you to tell me if you love this girl, b/c I have my own life and its not fair if youve been corresponding to this random person. My question is, if he really does love this person, why does he keep lying to me? Theres nothing keeping him here but me. I know he would rather be living in France. Is he lying? Please, give me your honest opinions. Thanks guys/gals

[Smile_83]

I personally think that this is a tough situation you are dealing with. The way he is hurting you to prove his point, I think is just wrong... you deserve to be treated better. Follow your heart, if you're willing to live a life like this then you know what you are getting yourself into. Follow your instincts and good luck

[Relationship Coach]

I don't believe his lies. He got caught and he is trying to lie his way out of it. He knows he will never have a real relationship with Miss. France so it's more of a fantasy. This is all of course just my opinion. Now do you really think this overly not so honest guy would tell you if he did have sex with her? Think hard before answering that one. The planted letter, that's a stretch but even if he did plant, bad idea. I can't ever see any trust being established and his actions and lack of interest in you are more than just a coincidence, his heart was back in France with her. Time to say Au revoir!

 

RC

[strawberry]

Ugh, I totally agree. I dont know what my problem is. Every time I think about breaking up w/ me I get sick to my stomach. Maybe b/c in breaking up w/ him, that means I have to admit to myself that hes been lying to me for 3 years. I dont know if Im a confident enough person to do this

[n83]

Hm.. well it looks like you have 2 options:

 

1) Stay with him and endure this for another however many years, or

 

2) Leave him, be on your own, and possibly find someone that actually cares about you and wouldn't SUPPOSEDLY plant letters around to drive you nuts

 

Honey.. being alone isn't bad.. why is it that you are confident you can continue in this relationship, but not confident that you can do better?

[candy604]

that's really odd..i don't believe it. Even if it was a test, that's very childish and hurtful. When would he have the time to sit down and write a 6 page letter? lol.

 

Sounds fishy too me. It's better to break -up instead of having a relationship that is not right and wasting time when you could find someone else who better suits you.

 

Good luck!

[yeawutever]

End it now, he's a loser!!!!!!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He claimed this women was running after him....women don't continually run after a guy unless they are getting very strong signals from the guy that he is interested. His excuses are very transparent. He is lying to you. Lots of men profess love to women they are with even if their heart is elsewhere. And who knows if his heart is really with this other woman either. It sounds to me like he is stringing both of you along. He says he loves you but he is also professing love to this other woman. He can't be with this other woman so he is writing mushy gushy letters instead. That letter was not a plant to test you. He just got caught. Your instincts are correct. Better to be alone than with a guy who is dishonest with you.

[Privately Playful]

Strawberry, I'm sorry you are going thru this. But... get the hell out!

 

Here is something that might shed a little light. I met a man, online, we corresponded for a while and a lot. After a few months we add talking on the phone. We didn't live near each other but he said he traveled just about every week for business. About a year after we first 'met' online we met in real life. By that time we had very, very strong feelings for each other and that meeting proved it to both of us that we loved one another. The relationship didn't last due to what I thought was a totally different reason - my health issues - but I later learned the real reason.

 

The reason was that he was living with a woman! He even became engaged to her while professing his love for me. After we had already said our goodbyes to the romantic relationship and were trying to maintain a friendship - that was tough for me and it hurt that he used my health issues as the cause. Bottom line -- he was living with another woman! He lied! It was well planned and executed. He lied!

 

A six page letter? Just to see if you were spying -- ha. That could have been done with a greeting card. He is right about it's tough to not be trusted but that isn't the way to work on building trust, it destroys it further.

 

Move on, wish him well and find your way to family and friends for comfort and love while you heal -- but move on.

[strawberry]

I totally agree with all of your advice. Ugh this is just so hard. I mean, its so weird to me that he knew exactly what I was talking about even before I approached him about that letter. Why would he want me to find it?

[Privately Playful]

I totally agree with all of your advice. Ugh this is just so hard. I mean, its so weird to me that he knew exactly what I was talking about even before I approached him about that letter. Why would he want me to find it?

 

Could be that he wants you to end the relationship. Odd as it might be I prefer to be the dumped not the dumpee -- I just hate to cause pain (and I 'retracted' my words on the two times I was the dumper).

 

And I know it is so very difficult... be gentle with yourself during this tough situation. Eat ice cream!

[strawberry]

aww thanks You have all been so helpful.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you- it must be very hard!

 

My first instinct when reading this is that he lied to you about sleeping with her (to avoid getting in MORE trouble than he already got caught for- do you really believe that he didn't??) and he continued to lie to you as long as he could get away with it- because you stayed with him and showed him that you accepted and forgave what he did, and he thought he could continue with it.

 

He really sounds awful. Then he tried to turn it around on you, saying that you spied on him. Do you really think he PLANTED a letter in the home that you share, hoping to catch you? Of course you don't trust him- he cheated and lied! The only question left now, is are you going to stay with him again and let him keep doing this to you, or are you going to cut your losses and run before he hurts you more than he already has.

[strawberry]

Im such a weak person. I know I need to break up w/ him. I just dont know how.

[Hope75]

Perhaps something along the lines of

 

"I deserve more than you are willing to give me. I want to break up."

 

Who's name is the apartment in? Yours, or his, or both?

 

Can you find somewhere else to live, or send him out?

[Rabican]

You deserve two things, one someone better, and two better treatment. He is not the guy for you. When you love someone, you dont tell other girls how much you love them, or build a relationship with them behind your partners back. Then you REALLY dont write a 6 page letter and say HA HA i just wrote that to catch you spying on me. Thats a load of crap, thats like going to the police and confessing to a crime that you didnt commit so that you can get out of a speeding ticket. doesnt make sense, and shows a total lack of respect and commitment on his part.

 

Id cut your losses and move on. Tell him to enjoy his life with Oleg or whatever her name is.

[Rabican]

Ugh, I totally agree. I dont know what my problem is. Every time I think about breaking up w/ me I get sick to my stomach. Maybe b/c in breaking up w/ him, that means I have to admit to myself that hes been lying to me for 3 years. I dont know if Im a confident enough person to do this

 

try to think of it this way instead, by breaking up with him you have realized that you saw his true colors, and decided that you DESERVE better. and you will not live your life putting up with someones crap, and someone who doesnt meet your rightly so higher expectations.

 

Hold your head up, and tell him to get lost.

[strawberry]

Thanks Rabican - Im working on it.

 

Hope - the apt. is in his name, so I cant technically find a place to live until Oct. 1st. (thats when my dad moves here). AND since I recently moved here, I dont have many friends to stay w/. Its a badddd sit.