Confusion. I'm lost I don't know what to do.

[Deckman33]

Hey everybody! Hope you're all doing good, just want to say thanks in advance to anyone who reads this or replies

A little bit of background before I talk about my problem. I'm 21, been single for about 2 years mainly because I went through a harsh break up with my ex. I've done some dating here and there during these two years, but nothing serious.

Early this year, a friend of mine introduced me to a girl over IM. I'm used to this, and for a couple of months chatting was random, she did most of the talking as I wasn't really interested because she had a boyfriend. However we started talking alot more when she took a "break" from her relationship with her boyfriend. She was saying that she wasn't going to go back with him anymore. Things started getting interesting between us, although I wasn't really hoping or wanting anything with her. We spoke on the phone for the first time, she had made it clear that she wanted to meet soon. Chatting online with her became more intense in the sense that it was more than a friendship. And then one day out of the blue, when I was calling her she tells me she's back with her boyfriend. I made no immediate reaction to this and acted normal for a couple of days, and then I stopped showing up too regularly online, and when I did I made sure not too make the talking go beyond the limits despite the fact that she was pushing it. Until one day I just disappeared, after I made it clear to her that I am not comfortable with this situation. Even if she felt like she wasn't doing anything wrong, I told her to me it didn't feel right. We were really talking as if we were more than just friends, and to be honest if my girlfriend was talking the way I was with a guy, it would really alarm me. I stayed as far away as possible from her, just a friend online. We tried to arrange a meeting twice and she backed down both times.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, we started getting cosy again online because she was having trouble with him, the whole time I was really uncomfortable with this, as I didn't want to hurt the guy eventhough I didn't know him, and I didn't want to hurt her because I knew she would be deeply hurt if I cut all contact with her. We eventually met, and I could tell she liked me more. Up until the meeting, she was just a friend to me ( I usually stay as far away from girls who have boyfriends but this was the only exception ) however, I started feeling things I haven't felt for at least 2 years. I regarded this as very wrong, I am not like that I can't have feelings for a girl who is in love and is with someone else. Right now, we have seen each other like 4 times, and I am starting to think about her more and more. And I know she is falling for me somehow..she's not saying it, she's hinting it... But she's still with him, she still loves him, she still talks about him. Right now, I am torn. I don't know if I should just simply forget about her and stop talking to her (which would be the best for her boyfriend and her relationship) or to give it a shot and try to win her. But I'm not like that...I really don't know what to do...she wanted me to meet him this week, I told her it wouldn't be a good idea as I don't think I would be comfortable around him. I don't know what's going through her mind. Will I be her rebound guy? Is she saving me for when their relationship will be over? (they have been together for over a year)...

Help!

[Aurian]

Rough situation. My initial feeling is that she sees you only as a friend, else why does she want to introduce you to her BF? (Unless she wants drama, and that's something to run away from!) If she is giving every indication that she loves him and plans to stay with him, then I would say back off. If she was acting more than friendly before, it was during mini-breakups with her boyfriend and you were just the rebound guy emotionally.

 

Even if she is hinting that she doesn't want to be with her boyfriend anymore, a year-long relationship implies to me that if she runs to you, it will be a rebound.

 

Sorry...... That's my feelings about the situation. Its rough when the heart finds love in the wrong places.

[Batya33]

The flaw here is in thinking you ever had more than a penpal in this woman. She is a complete stranger to you from a romantic perspective -- you may have developed feelings for the image you have of her from on line but until you spend consistent in-person time with a person you cannot know if your romantic feelings have any basis in reality. Ask yourself- if you are interested in dating people, why you are keeping the computer screen between you and meeting someone in person?

[heloladies21]

Well as far as the other guy is concerned, this isn't a team sport and you have no commitment issues so feel free to do as you please.

 

Then becomes the problem of how to deal with the situation if you decide to pursue it. Seeing the chick behind her bf's back sends a bad message that you are ok with her being with another man and thereforeeee she will assume you are just using her for sex. And if you have any kind of emotional attachment, this is a bad mix as you would get slapped/hurt when she finds some other guy who captures her and drops you for good.

 

At this point, it's either gonna come down to him or you and the sooner you get the answer to this the better.

[n83]

I have NO idea why on earth she would want you to meet her bf, other than to try to make him jealous. She has issues with him and uses you to feel desirable.. I don't really know what is making you stick around to find out how much worse things can get..

[Momene]

Tell her you've met someone yourself and see how she reacts!

[Deckman33]

Hey Everyone, first off thanks for your replies and advice

 

The flaw here is in thinking you ever had more than a penpal in this woman. She is a complete stranger to you from a romantic perspective -- you may have developed feelings for the image you have of her from on line but until you spend consistent in-person time with a person you cannot know if your romantic feelings have any basis in reality. Ask yourself- if you are interested in dating people, why you are keeping the computer screen between you and meeting someone in person?

 

I agree, but I did not classify the feelings as romantic... I just felt closer to her than I have been to anyone since I have been single and this made me think of her more often, or think about the possibility of going out with her in the future. I really like her as a person, but developping romantic feelings with her would definitely take time. (And just to clear it up, I never restricted myself to online dating in fact, I've done it less often than regular dating....)

 

Well as far as the other guy is concerned, this isn't a team sport and you have no commitment issues so feel free to do as you please.

 

Then becomes the problem of how to deal with the situation if you decide to pursue it. Seeing the chick behind her bf's back sends a bad message that you are ok with her being with another man and thereforeeee she will assume you are just using her for sex. And if you have any kind of emotional attachment, this is a bad mix as you would get slapped/hurt when she finds some other guy who captures her and drops you for good.

 

At this point, it's either gonna come down to him or you and the sooner you get the answer to this the better.

 

You are right as well, your last sentence describes just what I want...plus I definitely wouldn't want to be with her just for pleasure.

 

Tell her you've met someone yourself and see how she reacts!

 

I actually did this as a joke, and she was shocked and really disappointed at first, then I told her I was just joking...

 

I have NO idea why on earth she would want you to meet her bf, other than to try to make him jealous. She has issues with him and uses you to feel desirable.. I don't really know what is making you stick around to find out how much worse things can get..

 

This was a shock to me too. In point of fact, I don't even know why something like this would cross her mind. And you are completely right I shouldn't stick around and wait for things to get worse. I was just doing that because she was the only girl that caught my attention since my breakup so I thought it was worth the time, I guess not...

 

I am going to play it cool this week, I'll try not to see her as much as I can...for her own sake. My only concern was not to hurt her because I know I mean alot to her, and I know she cares about me. But to me, it's just out of the question to go any further with her still in a relationship and all that. Ah well, we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you guys up to date.

Thanks again!

Cheers,

[candy604]

Go find someone else , your going to be caught up in drama. Stay away! If she loves her bf and such, she shouldn't be meeting up with a guy and talking to them more than a friend. Don't be that 3rd wheel. I would hate to see you get hurt. Keep with your values! happened to a friend of mine, similar situation, it's not worth it. Find a girl who'd be true to you and wouldn't go meet guys. You said it yourself already :

 

"We were really talking as if we were more than just friends, and to be honest if my girlfriend was talking the way I was with a guy, it would really alarm me. I stayed as far away as possible from her, just a friend online."

 

What she is doing is not right and you could sense that already. You are right, don't go further b/c that's only going to hurt you in the end and it's really not fair for her bf either. If he found out, i bet he'd be very hurt.

[Batya33]

By romantic I mean that you are considering dating this person, not just being platonic friends. Don't confuse those "close" feelings for the close feelings you develop for someone who you spend time in person with - that is, from a dating perspective - of course you can feel close to a pen pal.

[Momene]

Actually, a third wheel can make a vehicle move where only 2 can't.