only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 I am 32 and have been severly depressed for most of my adult life. I have had one boyfriend and one girlfriend my entire life. I am fat, ugly and just plain stupid. I have social anxiety which means that I have no friends because I can't get myself to leave my room except to go to work or to the bathroom. I have tried so hard to be positive, but everything seems to be against me. I am in therapy now, but my I cannot tell my therapist that I have thoughts about suicide that take over my mind. It is as though I have an obsession with it. I consistenly think of new ways I could do it. The only thing that keeps me alive today is my mother. She has cancer and I could not imagine making her life worse with my death. Should she die, I will too! I hate my life so much. I have tried to change it. The only thing I enjoy is going to therapy as I can be myself. I can tell her my deepest secrets and not feel judged. The only thing I can't tell her is about my suicidal thoughts. They seem to be bigger and badder than before and I really don't want it to come to that. I don't know why I am posting this, but I just needed to vent a little I guess! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElektraHere Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Read your signatures again....you must also believe you are brave too. There are good times and bad times. I empathize with you. I have been in your spot. You have to be honest with your therapist in order for them to help you. Tell her about your suicidal feelings. That is the only pathway out of the darkness. Post here and vent away just dont give the darkness anymore power. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 I am just so scared that if I tell her that she would put me in the hospital. I don't want to go back there. It was like I didn't belong. I try to read my signature, but you are right, I don't believe it. I just try to feel like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 I took that part of my sig off since I felt like a hypocrite! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElektraHere Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 NO!! Leave it on. It will inspire you to be brave. Do you feel you are a danger to yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 NO!! Leave it on. It will inspire you to be brave. Do you feel you are a danger to yourself? I can't leave it on. It is not something I feel in my heart! I know that I am a danger to myself. I have dissociated on many occasions and ended up at the cliffs near my house. I know that the option is always there and it would be sooooo very easy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElektraHere Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 You have to stop thinking this way. You have to as a friend once told me fake it till you make it. Meaning fake like you are brave and eventually you WILL feel brave. Are you on any medications right now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilgothicdevil5533 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 i kno what you feel like. i was/am extemely suicidal. it seems like nothing right. i could kill myself easily, but how will you kno if your life will get better and you will feel HAPPINESS after so long of suffering? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 You have to stop thinking this way. You have to as a friend once told me fake it till you make it. Meaning fake like you are brave and eventually you WILL feel brave. Are you on any medications right now? I have been "faking it" for my whole life. I have tried so incredibly hard that my stomach hurt. I can't tell you how hard I have tried. It is as though my only "job" in life has been faking it! I am on Zoloft and Remeron (for insomnia) as well as high blood pressure meds and Advair (for Asthma). So, yeah, I am on meds. I talked with my doctor today and we are uping the Zoloft because I told her that I just didn't feel like it was working very well. I don't have much faith in it, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 i kno what you feel like. i was/am extemely suicidal. it seems like nothing right. i could kill myself easily, but how will you kno if your life will get better and you will feel HAPPINESS after so long of suffering? I feel like I have been waiting long enough for the "happiness" that has never come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilgothicdevil5533 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 i have been waiting my whole life...altho i am 16....but perhaps u just need to wait a little more...im not sure, im not very good with giving information on this topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 only_me, are you getting any meds? more often than not, they can take care of problems like this. many members of this website swear by them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 Sorry I wasted your time. I don't know why I bothered posting. I am going to do it anyway. I know that the alcohol is a factor, but it is just a minor factor in my decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilgothicdevil5533 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 i think she should take natural vitamins then meds. thats just the way my mom raised me tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marlenasmith7 Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Sorry I wasted your time. I don't know why I bothered posting. I am going to do it anyway. I know that the alcohol is a factor, but it is just a minor factor in my decision. Oh gosh, please don't do anything! It would be a tragedy. Think about your family and friends! You don't want to do this. Please come back to us. We can help if you will just allow us. Marlena Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 Oh gosh, please don't do anything! It would be a tragedy. Think about your family and friends! You don't want to do this. Please come back to us. We can help if you will just allow us. Marlena Sorry to worry you. I guess I just feel like I shouldn't have posted. I feel like I am going to do it anyway so what was the point of posting?! I have no family or friends that would care anyway. They don't give a about me. I am going to just jump off the cliff and make it fast! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skyjuice Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 Hi Please don't give up your life so soon. Think of your mum. She would need your support. There is always ways to overcome what you are facing now. You have to faith in yourself. We make our own happiness. You are not happy with your life, so you need to take positive action to improve your life. This is because even though you have family members with you, they could not make you happy. Happiness that depends on others people actions is not true happiness, it is just a bonus that others give you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spugly Fuglet Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 dont ever feel sorry for posting here Only me 1974 above all things you are another human soul and to us preshus beyond words. As for freands here on ENA you will find them and whats more we are intrested in you, thats right you. we do give a **** I gove a **** so saying that tell us why here and now you feel like you should end your life and with it the hope of a better one, becouse thats what self death means, the last stand of hope gone. Always remember where there is life there is hope. The to grate tools we all have for a better life and a better self image is hope and time. Your death will rob you of time so I ask please dont end your life just yet give your self the gift of time and see where you end up. Im a Toaist and find that being such gives me a place to stand out side of myself. I can look in and see the pain and angwish running throw my mind. I coldly look at it and see that its just a set of tricks, tricks played on me by my illness and knowing that I know that I can get thrght the dark times. So you see if I had ended my life on the many times I have been under the spell of thows tricks I would never have some to the place where I can stand and look in. Now I see my dark times as a blessing I use them to my end, I paint and right. There are poems on this sit that have come from the darkness and to me that is a grate thing. Hope see hope. So I ask once more give your self Hope and time and let us here help if we can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daddy Bear Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 sorry, i missed your comment on meds. you might need an adjustment there, let your doctor know what you're feeling. listen, there are millions of less fortunate people out there who could use YOUR caring touch, you know. that's a damn good reason to live right there. and being lonely, overweight and in need of a sprucing up--i don't know where you're from, but you're talking about a huge chunk of the American population. hell, you're talking about ME! and think about this: there is only one way to be sure that you won't find happiness in this world, and that is to die. trip like i do, let's walk through the fire. you can email me through this website if you want to talk to somebody who's stood at the edge of the cliff and managed to back away from it. i hope to hear from you soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NKP Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 You say no one cares? well all of us here do and will always care. Dont end your life please, talk to us let us help you. I know what its like to want to die i have been the and tried it but there is only one person that wont care and thats yourself i swear everyone you know will be hurt and some will blame themself and just wished you talked to them and told them how yo felt And you came here coz you dont want to kill yourself, yo think its the only answer, thats why, but guess what its not there is twochoices you can be selfish and end your life or you can do the best thing for everyone and live and talk about what is upsetting you. I really hope you will live and get your life back to getting soon, i believe you can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toopainful Posted September 2, 2006 Share Posted September 2, 2006 I just posted one about wanting to end it all, but strangely when i read about someone else wanting to do it, i think 'No!! Don't do it!!' from one suicidal person to another i think you shouldn't do it. I think the fact that we have lived this long, feeling these feelings, i think we subconsciously believe things will be better. I know one of the reasons i haven't done it is coz i keep wanting to see what else there is and slowly without me realising it, i'm actually living! why don't you initially just force yourself to do all those things that people suggest to meet people? you know, like join a club, a gym, book club, volunteer for stuff at your local church or whatever and keep at it till you actually make some friends and it comes natural. don't base your life on the fact that your mum's still alive and when she dies so will you. i don't think thats what your mum would want for you. you're young and the world's your oyster. go get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 2, 2006 Author Share Posted September 2, 2006 I was supposed to go on a date with this girl tomorrow so I texted her to find out if she was picking me up, if I was meeting her there, etc. She tells me that she's "been sick since Thursday" and isn't going to be able to make it. Why the heck do I feel so bad about it? I feel like no one wants to go anywhere or be around me. I try to go out into the world and try to get over my anxiety by going head on into situations that make me uncomfortable and then I just get dumped. See, I was right, no one likes me anyway so what the heck is the point???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skyjuice Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 Hi May be she really has something important come out. I am glad that you go out into the world to overcome your anxiety instead of hidden inside your room. This is a brave thing to do for a person who has experiencing anxiety. So have hope in life and don't easily give up. I understand that nothing is easy in life, there is always the other factors that come out when we least expected. But that shouldn't stop you from having faith in life, because something happen for a reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spugly Fuglet Posted September 3, 2006 Share Posted September 3, 2006 O stop right there! if your going to point at all the bad things you see in your life and say to all around you "LOOK SEE THATS WHY MY LIFE SUCKS" your doing to sink with out trace Im sorry to say lifes like that, things just dont aways go our way and thats thr truth, but looking at them all the time blinds you from whats good in your life. Your bigest problem is your fear of others and the world around you, but what is there to fear but as some one once said fear its self. Me i have a fear of flying yet this your I did just that 15 hours in a plane to china. was I scared HELL YES, but I did it thats what counts I know now, no matter what I fast my fear and the other small fears in my life seem after that so muhc smaller. Why not do some thing very scary, like PArashoot from a plain or race a sports car. Read some of the posts here and you will see othere that have had life dump on them so much more than just one woman not making a date. Wemon beat up my mad men, men who have lost there loved one from illness and acsedent. Yet each trys to make a better life from where they started. Fear if we let it can over take our life and will, you need to face it to lose it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
only_me_1974 Posted September 4, 2006 Author Share Posted September 4, 2006 My life does suck. The only person I have is my mother. She is dying from cancer and I am dying too. My soul is dead and ready to give up. I am so ready to give up and just say forget everything. You don't know me or my life. No one does. No one knows how I hurt inside, how my prior childhood abuse affects me every single day. How I am fearful of being around children, not because I think I'd do anything (I never would) but just being around them scares me. How walking out the door makes me feel like I am being stared at by every person and animal out there. How going to work every day is like pulling teeth. I hate it. I don't really care about much anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore, not games, going to the mall, riding a bicycle, going to the amusement park, NOTHING. There is not a single reason for me to continue on this path of self-destruction. So I bid you farewell. Take care people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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