Mutual friends keep passing ex's news along despite being asked not to

[moonflowers]

Hey everybody,

 

Thanks so much for all the support these forums give. They're the ultimate support group, available 24-7.

 

Anyway... mutual friend of the ex and mine has decided to keep dropping sporadic information about the ex to me. To be honest, although I do still care about him, I know I need complete NC to get over my ex and move on, since he clearly has not attempted to contact me at all after the breakup, and is with someone new right now.

 

I've already told the mutual friend before not to tell me anything about the ex because I don't feel it benefits me to hear about him. I came down harsh on the mutual friend tonight and basically told him I'm sick and tired of the whole mess and am actually looking forward to not seeing the ex for at least a year, if not forever.

 

The mutual friend was my ex's best friend for a while, so that's probably where his loyalties still lie. He became my friend through my ex, and after my ex dumped me, he was one of the few people whom I was close enough to to actually talk about the ex with. (Yes, I sacrificed my friendships for the relationship - seriously bad move on my part, I now realize.) I thought I was safe at the time because my ex and this friend had gotten rather distant and weren't talking too much at that point in time.

 

Is it true that a mutual friend will often pass information about one party to the other without the first party's knowledge? He tells me my ex never asks about me, so he never tells him anything about how I'm doing. He could be lying right through his teeth, which I would find sad, but since I've stopped asking about my ex for a while, and he's still feeding me info about the ex, it makes me wonder if he's doing the same thing with the ex, too.

 

Anybody have any experience with this?

[Spawn]

well what are friends for if they don't respect your feelings.

 

Your ex is your past and if your friend can't understand whats good and bad for you then i believe he is not a friend of yours.

 

Seriously i don't blame you for thinkin whether this person is passin on info about you to your ex...there is no trust cause he is really not lookin at where your best interests are.

 

If he is not understandin you then he is not a person to hang out with.

[hjc]

Very timely. Was about to post something similar (although slightly different situation).

 

A mutual acquaintance told me this morning that she saw my ex who told her that she really misses me and still loves me. To which I replied "well it was her choice to break up with me and so it isn't for me to resolve". She just kept saying "you guys clearly love each other and are great...sort it out!". And I just kept reiterating that it wasn't my situation to sort. Clearly this person doesn't have all the facts, but boy did it blindside me to hear those words.

 

Made me realise that hearing things second hand and taking them at face value is very dangerous:

- I have no idea what my ex actually said

- I have no idea whether, if she did say these things, she meant them

- The person telling you may have misinterpreted, put their own spin on things, have their own agenda etc.

 

So in short, I got upset and then calmed down. There is no way I am paying any attention to what I am told 2nd hand. The only person who can tell me how my ex genuinely feels is her (and even then I have to watch out as she may be playing games).

 

moonflowers - I suspect that in your case, the mutual friend wants you guys to get back together (who doesn't want couples to reunite if they are friends with both) and/or thinks that he is satisfying some form of curiosity on your part. I find it very unlikely that info is only being passed one way although it is possible. And yes it is perfectly possible that information is being passed on without your ex knowing. In my case I suspect my acquaintance wasn't instructed to pass anything on, she just did because she hopes it will spur me into action because of what she wants to happen.

 

Bottom line: try to ignore it as you can't make any conclusions as to how your ex is behaving. I guess your friend thinks they are somehow helping you.

[moonflowers]

Uh oh - so, hjc, I guess it's very possible that everything I told the friend "in confidence" has been reaching my ex's ears?

 

Good gracious. In that case I really need to start ensuring that I only tell the friend things that I wouldn't mind the ex hearing too. Thankfully, I have finally been able to shake free of the futile hope of reconciliation.

[chattymcchatterson]

You never know someone elses motives. If he was your ex's best friend (i think that was the case, I got confused with all the party of the first part references, his loyalty is probably there. I think telling him only what you would be okay with the ex hearing is a good idea. Also, people don always want people to get back together. Especially if there is jealousy of their relationship or time that was taken away from this friend, etc. They could manipulate the information back and forth to suit their own needs. Sounds a little like a diabolical plot, biut I am forever being surprised by people.

[LONESOUL]

Chatty~what is said is very true about people not wanting people to get back together for their own selfish reasons, My ex and I have a friend like that. (well, now my ex HAS a friend like that~I'm dumping the friend, or have or whatever)

[Speedway]

This is one of the reasons I'm distancing myself from the mutual friends as well. The good thing is also that I don't have to deal with her friends anymore.

 

If the mutual friends don't understand when you tell them you don't want to hear about her things, you might condider ditching them.

[joyce1412]

just wanted to chime in on this.

 

i have a friend who dropped some absolutely DEVASTATING news about my ex last saturday after being told TWICE not to. i seriously thought about dropping her, but then i thought, "no, i can't do that..."

 

i actually think i might now. not drop her, but definitely create some distance. because hearing that news screwed. me. up. and if she's going to keep dropping information like this i'm going to lose it. i've been depressed all week, whereas if i hadn't gotten that piece of information i'd be blissfully ignorant.

 

my ex isn't in my life, i'm doing NC, so there's no reason for me to be hearing this stuff.

 

it looks like your friend isn't going to quit even though you've asked him. i can't imagine why somebody would still do this after being asked, but he is. so cut him loose, or at least limit your interactions.

[chattymcchatterson]

If someone hurts you like that, after being told not to pass along the info, they are not a friend.

 

My friends are loving and caring and doing anything they can to help me through this. This includes the friendships I developed through my ex. They never bring him up unless I do and they never tell me how is he doing or what he is saying, etc and I would not ask them. Anyone I suspected has ulterior motives has been removed from my circle.

[LONESOUL]

Yep same here, my one an only mutual friend who kept "dropping information bombs" has pretty much been removed, except that we work together and

she is very loud~so I have to really work hard not to hear her on the phone or whatever...other than that.... distance distance distance. You will make new friends who will respect your healing. I figure if I do NC with my ex, who I used to love madly...ditching a no good double crossing two faced friend can't be much harder.

[moonflowers]

Sorry if my original post was too hard to read; it was something like 4 AM and I was feeling really rotten.

 

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that my "friend" might not want me to get back with my ex for personal reasons. He probably would be trying to ask me out now, except that I keep driving it into his head that I'm really not interested in him. Now I'm starting to even wonder why I thought I should keep him as a friend, too. I'm definitely going to have to put more distance between him and I.

 

I know he's not making up the news about my ex though. Several other friends have gotten my ex's "not coming back to school this year" message. Of course, I didn't get that e-mail. I guess my ex thinks these acquaintances are more important than I am. It kind of hurts...

[bluegal79]

Moonflowers: How are you doing today?

 

I wonder if the friend is telling you these things because he wants to make sure you know your ex won't be back because he might think that information will make you get over your ex faster so he can then ask you out. You mentioned he has shown an interest in you. I think it would be best to distance yourself from him because you don't know what information he is passing on to your ex.

 

Sorry you didn't find out about your ex and his school situation from him. As you know, we are in the same boat as I found out about my ex's move for grad school also( not from him and no goodbye) and it sucks.

These men don't deserve to have us care for them when they have shown a lack of compassion and caring towards us.

 

Let's support each other!

We will get through this and maybe one day these guys will realize what they lost and by then we will be indifferent to them.

 

 

[moonflowers]

Hm... I did know for a while that my friend was really hoping I'd get over my ex faster, but I thought it was mainly because he was getting sick and tired of hearing about my problems. There's a slim chance he's hoping I'll notice him, but at the same time I've made it painfully clear to him that I am not interested in him in the least.

 

If anything, though, I think his feelings for me are more like lust (which he freely admitted to once) + companionship, not really love. He doesn't treat me like someone he's nuts about. I actually got really mad at him this weekend when he came to visit because all he did was whine and complain about everything. Yeah, that was the last straw - I'm not taking any more from this guy.

 

I know as an ex I'm not entitled to much, but I do believe that my ex's treatment of me (and your ex of you) is really low. I think what the real problem is is that these guys might just be too cowardly and immature to face the past, plus they've already dived into new relationships and are afraid of what could happen if they got back into contact with their exes. Imagine that, they're scared to death of us.

 

You know, it does feel GOOD to be rid of a massive coward like that. We're braver than them - we're working on making ourselves better each day, and we're not resorting to rebounds to prop our egos up while we heal. Here's to recovery!

[bluegal79]

You deserve someone great Moonflowers who appreciate you!

 

I can't even imagine casually dating right now, much less starting a relationship with all my hurt and emotional baggage. No rebounds for us!

We are going to heal and be strong and no more cowards,lol!

 

Have a good day