Will he or won't he?

[kellbell]

If he does not call you early next week, I would move on.

[rose2summer]

Well, if you are just looking for a fling,

 

Then don't worry about the logistics of dating,

 

You will be great!

 

Good luck,

 

Rose

[finewhine]

Thanks, kellbell. A fling's gotta be reciprocated!

[finewhine]

What's the difference between a fling and dating? I am SO CONFUSED! Ugh, I need a manual or something. Sometimes I think I'm too dumb to date.

[finewhine]

Also, thanks Rose!

[rose2summer]

Well, I think the definitions will vary by the individual,

 

But in my book,

 

Dating is where you spend time to get to know the person,

 

And it could develop into something more,

 

Whereas a fling is where you are already assuming it will end in time,

 

And you are not serious about it,

 

Like a summer fling, they only last for the summer,

 

And then the spark is gone, and it's over.

 

Rose

[finewhine]

That makes sense to me. Thank you.

[Batya33]

To me a fling is where the people involved do not see much potential for a future but want someone to be physical or intimate. Dating is more formal - the man typically asks the woman out in advance and they go out in public - the focus is not on fooling around. Most of the time the people who are dating see at least some potential for the long term but if they don't, they continue to do activities together as a couple.

 

As far as you wanting a fling my suspicion is that if you only wanted a fling you wouldn't care much whether he called or when he would call. You would know he would call if he felt like hooking up again - the typical "dating rules" about calling would not apply.

 

Definitely men do marry women they are intimate with before they date them. For me, a man who made a habit of doing that would not have values that were compatible with mine. I also would be far more concerned about STD's because there is less likely to be testing and a waiting period if necessary to make sure the tests were accurate - sounds far more casual and that would be of concern to me.

[finewhine]

Batya:

 

1. I am concerned as to whether or not he'll call merely because I am wondering if he'll pursue the fling. As it stands, it's an unconsummated fling, a dangling fling, a fling unflung. I am not 100% certain it's merely a fling, but I am also not looking for a relationship. I would, however, like a second date. If I don't get one, I won't cry or nuthin', but I am kinda hoping for one, ya know? I was just wondering if I should bother hoping any more, hence the post.

 

2. Vive le difference! You won't ever have to date a guy who enjoys sleeping around, just as I hope never to date a guy who dismisses a woman for kissing with tongue on the first date. I run with a bunch of urbanite artist/poseurs who move kinda fast, so I guess it's a different scene for me and mine.

 

3. By your definition, we did go on a date. He asked me a week in advance, we spent our time predominantly in public, he paid, and the "fooling around" only comprised about 1/6th of the overall date time. I am hesitant to say "fooling around," because, to me, fooling around is a lot heavier than frenching and holding hands. But that's just me.

[Batya33]

I never said a man would "dimiss" a woman for kissing on the first date - what I did say was that some men might be confused as to a woman's intentions if she fools around with him before they are even properly dating. That's not the same thing at all.

 

LOL - I know many artists and hipsters and I never understood someone's chosen hobby, interest, profession or creative bent to affect one's values about relationships and how to treat another person. My last serious boyfriend (before this one) was a very active artist and he was traditional when it came to dating. I know many like him. I also have dated other creative types/hipsters as you call them who, when they met me and got to know me just a little bit, realized that I wanted to be treated a certain way and were more than happy to oblige out of interest in me as well as respect. So, I respectfully disagree with your link between artists and moving fast with respect to dating, etc.

 

As I mentioned above, I think he will call if he is interested in continuing to hook up with you. As you said, you are not sure if it is just a fling so it's reasonable to assume neither is he and thereforeeee he sees no urgency in calling right away (in part because you were willing to kiss, etc before he asked you out so some of that challenge is gone, if you care about that sort of thing). I find generally that when men see potential for the long term they get more conservative in their approach - whether artist or otherwise ;-). Most of the men I date have raised the subject of long term potential within the first two dates - i.e. they want to make sure I know that they are not interested in just a fling, in general.

 

I believe that people can't have it both ways when it comes to dating and I am seeing from your subsequent posts that neither do you. If you take a casual approach to dating - nothing wrong with that - can be loads of fun - you have to be prepared for the same treatment back meaning no typical "courting" schedule for lack of a better term. The reason I care when a guy calls again is because I won't date someone who I don't see long term potential with so they way I am treated in the beginning is important to my evaluating whether we have compatible values.

 

I have no hard or fast rules, but if guy didn't call me fairly soon after a date I would want to know the reasons why - if he gave me no reason I might very well see him again but probably not more than once unless he stepped up to the plate on his own without my having to "teach" him how to treat me (since at least in my experience, most of the men I have dated know pretty much what's expected in the early stages as far as calling and planning).

[DN]

I think everyone is over-thinking this. You said it was apparent that you would not be able to do anything until after Labor Day, so he may well be waiting until that weekend has passed before calling you. No one knows what he is thinking and their guesses could be way off the mark.

[hosswhispra]

I think everyone is over-thinking this. You said it was apparent that you would not be able to do anything until after Labor Day, so he may well be waiting until that weekend has passed before calling you. No one knows what he is thinking and their guesses could be way off the mark.

 

Over-thinking....yes, you're probably right DN.

 

But this is what women do

[JimmerJammer]

i just find this all completely amusing. and by amusing i mean that in the sense that its remarkable to hear how people think in regards to this situation.

 

i know for me (a guy) that what finewhine has described as far as things have gone with this guy, that it wouldn't give me any indication that he doesn't like her or isn't interested. in fact if i had known that the girl i was interested and made out with was interested in a fling, then chances are i would have called sooner but wouldn't out of courtesy of not being too eager. heck i've gotten myself all riled up because i would want to call her but wouldn't because i thought it'd be bad to call too soon or too frequently.

 

things like that have me always second guessing the amount of contact and the extent at which i persue someone. this could be one of those cases where the guy could very well be interested still and is simply in no rush or hurry to take it anywhere simply from the fact that he already feels comfortable with the attraction.

 

understand that this guy could have no idea if you'll agree to his date when he calls nor does he know how interested you are and to what extent you'd take that interest. but if he's interested, i'm sure he'll be thinking of you before he calls and will be happy to go out again should you say yes.

 

and ya kissing and making out isn't such a big deal to me either and in fact i like it when i feel a strong connection with someone and they're open and receptive enough to embrace me in one such way. i don't even think about kissing on the first date and all that, i do my best to recognize how i feel and to see if i can get an idea of how she feels in that moment and the moments leading up to it.

 

i'm a rather bit interested into what it is you're looking for at this point in your life? as that might help to know if and when this guy calls back to arrange for another date. it might end up in an unfortunate situation if he's looking to get involved and you're simply looking to ease back and try dating for a while.

 

if fling to you means you feel attraction for this guy and are simply interested in the benefits of a relationship WITHOUT all the negative attachments (clinginess, passiveness, being overbearing, jealousy, anger/hostility, lack of sex drive, etc.). so if you have a pretty strong understanding of what it is you're looking for at this point, do your best at showing that and perhaps bringing it up when he does or if it seems he's trying to pull you in a direction you don't want to go.

[DN]

Over-thinking....yes, you're probably right DN.

 

But this is what women do

LOL - well, so much has changed over the last number of years. Maybe this will be something else that will as well.

[Batya33]

Hmm - why wait for him to call you given how laid back your crowd is? And, for the record, lol, I think kissing on the first date is just fine - I also think kissing before the first date is fine (which is what I understood occurred here).